Bizarre Biology Project

Since tropers are some of the smartest people I know, I thought someone here would be able to come up with a solution to this truly bizarre biology project.

The assignment is to "construct a plant".

This plant must be made of dead, organic material. You cannot use celery or any other plants. If your plant works you will receive an “A”. If your plant does not work, but you know why, you receive a “B”. If your plant does not work, and you don’t know why, you receive an “F”. If you give your plant a Latin name, you will get extra credit.

I don't even know if this thread goes here, but I'm desparate. Any ideas?

What does "work" mean?

Exactly what I was gonna ask. Like, does it actually have to be a living, breathing plant that you make out of Noodle Implements?

I'm unsure how this would even work.

Ask your teacher what the crap s/he was asking for exactly?

I'm less concerned with what "work" means, and more concerned with why your teacher wants you to kill off animals to make your "plant"...

Or worse *insert Soylent Green joke here*

Well, I guess you could come up with a series of tubes that suck up water to inflate some 'leaves'. Maybe make a sort of model of the vascular system of a plant?

Hm. For an artificial plant to truly "work", strictly speaking, it should be capable of growth and self-reproduction. Even disregarding the constraint on available materials, that's... well, rather beyond what one can do.

So I say that we have to cheat.

A seed is certainly capable of producing a "working" plant. And it is definitely made of organic material. And in a way, I suppose that one could say that it is not made of celery or other plants — it comes from a plant, obviously, but it is an independent entity.

But it is living, so it does not count as "dead material." However, seed that has been frozen can still germinate — that's an adaptation that most seeds have, they just enter hibernation and basically shut down until the conditions are right. A hibernating seed is dead, for all purposes — it has no metabolic functions, and it can stay that way for thousands of years (way more than the lifespan of the corresponding plant) and still germinate if returned to acceptable conditions.

So I say that you take the seeds of some hardy, fast-growing plant (common garden grass should work just fine, I think.) Store the bag on the freezer, and leave it there overnight. Then take it out, photograph it (for evidence), let it defrost, and plant the seeds in a vase with some good quality earth and perhaps a tiny bit of fertilizer (probably entirely unnecessary, but eh, since you can...)

Then water it and give it a few days. I'm pretty sure that you'll get bunches of perfectly "working" plants. And they have already a Latin name, obviously.

edited 21st Mar '12 10:46:22 PM by Carciofus

Weeeell, what you really need is a product to manufacture. I'm sure it could be something organic. Then you just have to get the machinery made with organic materials, and hire people to operate them.

Then you'd have a fully functional plant.

That's actually pretty clever.

Except for the part where it needs to be made from DEAD non-plant organic matter.

use zombies?

Seriously though, I really cannot see how to do this with the information given. What exactly is the teacher looking for? Something that simulates how plants absorb water? Something that simulates how plants grow? Or something that looks like a plant? Beccause frankly making an actual plant with dead, non-plant material is just not possible unless you can use magic.

She's really looking for the one person in class who's really a fairy, so that way she can trap the person and steal his or her power.

Once this Bizarre Biology Project is over, please come back and tell us how the teacher performed this task.

Make a steak tree.

If the requirement is just to build a working model that absorbs and transports water, you could cheat by using plastic. Since it's probably derived from crude oil, you could pass it off as "made from dead organic material", I guess.

Then you need to make sure that the preliminary interview job is awful enough that the people you hire have no souls. Since many people argue that life begins when the soul enters the body, then it follows to reason that having a soul-sucking job is making you into a zombie.

Actually, to put my biology hat on, anything that contains carbon is "organic". You'd need something that works via capillary action, so a small enough pipette would draw water up via the mix of cohesive and adhesive bonds between the water and the tube. That'd be close enough to simulate the action of water-soluble nutrients through the phloem.

edited 22nd Mar '12 7:28:56 AM by DrunkGirlfriend

I had the scene from "The Illusionist" with the Orange Tree go through my head when I read this. Could you make something like that? Like make a frame from hollow balsa rods (it's dead wood by that point.) That you could push steams with dead leaves on it through to make it "grow".

Your teacher needs to give better instructions. If you get an F I would contest it like hell for such vague direction.

Probably not, since he can't use plant matter.

Then recycled pvc or some other material. Principle doesn't change.

Hmm, if he can't use "plants" he might be able to use leafy algae like Caulerpa or Sargassum. If the teacher complains remind him/her that they're protists, not plants.

When is this project due?

Am VERY interested to hear the results.

If it were me, I'd take meat that comes in thin strips like Carne Asada or bacon, and reproduce a plant entirely from meat. Cut and twist it into the forms that you want it to be in to reproduce the actual structure of a plant(I think this qualifies as "a plant that can work" I.E. does it have all the systems and parts needed to work if it was actual plant matter. Then, either structure by structure, or as one whole piece, put it in the oven and cook it.

Something simple, like a fern made out of bacon. Then you can name it Pteridophyta Porcus. Edible A+ right there. You followed all the rules. It's dead organic matter that is not plant related, you made an effort to illustrate(Probably by carving the shapes) of the organs or systems of the plant(this means it "works") and then you gave it a latin name.

I should really go back to school.

Edit: The + comes from the fact that it's bacon. Bacon always = extra credit.

edited 24th Mar '12 10:34:11 AM by Barkey

...I keep rereading the OP.

Are you sure you copied the instructions down correctly?