The Constructive Criticism Thread

So I would like to share a writing project for a novel I have in the works to get some feedback, but I'm unsure how the process for this thread works. Do I just post my work here or do I need to get in some cue of sorts?

K, nevermind. I figured out I was supposed to post my work on the sanbox's waiting list. My writing project is a draft for a Light Novel temporarily called Project Alice and it tells the story of a girl named Alice who travels the world to search for answers to the collapse of her civilization. Assuming I did not break any rules, I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Edited by CytoZytokine on Oct 7th 2022 at 8:47:40 AM

I apologize, but you guys will have to continue this without me for now. I just cant spare the time.

I don't mean to sound impatient here but, is anyone going to review my story? It's been sitting in the sandbox for half a month now and I'm starting to wonder if con crit activity is truly dead. Did I break some rule that I'm not aware of that disqualified my story or something?

Decided to take a shot at this. To be honest, I don't have all that much positive to say about it, aside from the Doll setting being rather interesting. Here are the main points of criticism:

• Redundancy: There are a lot of redundant words scattered about. "The blue-haired girl named Alice" could probably be shortened to just "Alice". "Diamond-shapred jewel" could easily be "diamond".
• The flashback scene: I have two major qualms here:
  • Transitioning from one scene to another in the middle of a paragraph will probably be considered pretty jarring. Especially when you go from present-tense to past-tense.
  • Cosette's death doesn't really feel that emotional. Refrain from using technical language, and be sure to show us how characters feel rather than telling us.
• The black-haired girl's introduction: The paragraph she delivers at the end, more specifically, feels very forced and artificial. Perhaps you could try weaving the details into the scene more gradually. She also doesn't look like a student, let alone an archaeology one - perhaps you should put some clues into her character design.
• Big Sis: I can't really tell who Big Sis is, despite Alice's familiarity with her. If she's her literal big sister or a close friend, then why don't we know her name? If not, what is she, exactly?

All in all, this story could definitely use some further work. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you - this is my first time giving real concrit.

Thanks for your feedback. I'll be sure to take what you said and use them as reference to improve my writing. I'll probably have to write this from scratch though because this would require an overhaul to the current structure.

I would like some constructive feedback on my fanfic, please. https://www.wattpad.com/story/314803070-united-a-plants-vs-zombies-fanfiction

Edited by queenieAG on Nov 14th 2022 at 12:08:49 AM

Please follow the instructions in the OP pinned at the top of this thread.

What rules am I not following?

No, you did everything right. Wow, I did not look at the timestamps- the last post is from almost a month ago.

Personally, I don't believe there's actually any rules in this sub against people making their own separate threads for their stories, whether just to share them or for critique, and if there are, they were probably intended for when this subforum was more active and lots of people were requesting critique.

So I've read the first three chapters, and I have a few technical notes:

First: punctuation at the end of dialogue belongs inside the quotation marks- like "I'm talking," Bob said, instead of "I'm talking", or "I'm talking"!

Second: when you're writing scenes where multiple people are talking, each person gets their own paragraph. Instead of something like:

you should do:

It results in a lot of short lines, but it makes it much easier to follow who's saying what, especially when you start breaking up stretches of dialogue with actions.

There's more grammar and punctuation things, but they're comparatively small and don't impede understanding of the story. (Well, technically the first thing doesn't impede understanding, either, but it's one of my personal pet peeves.)

As for the artistic stuff, all I know about Plants vs. Zombies is that it's a cartoony mobile game popular with children, so I'm not part of your target audience, and I'm reading fully blind. There's not much description- of the environments, or what the characters look like. No, you shouldn't be going full Costume Porn or anything, and I imagine your audience would be familiar with these characters, but just one or two features would be adequate, I think, if only just for telling the characters apart. They all seem kinda interchangeable to me right now, and not separating each character's dialogue out into paragraphs isn't helping there.

They're zombies, right? Maybe one's missing an eye, or another has bugs in their head, or something. You could enhance the wackiness of the pirates by having them be slightly drunk all the time from drinking grog (water with a splash of rum), or have the parrot make fun of the zombies. Describing the environments more is good not just for putting the reader in 1678, but it can also enhance the comedy when the zombies walk into a darkened tavern packed with drunk people talking like Shakespeare (I know that's from earlier, but whatever) and lit only by fire and start having a disco rave.

One handy rule I've found is that sentences in a piece of writing should be saying or doing at least two things at once. A line where a character punches someone could move the plot forward in addition to showing that character's personality, perhaps the specific way or reasons why they're punching that person, or it could show the setting in the form of how the character was trained or what the local culture considers worthy of a punch to the face, or it could show something with the theme, or the line could show any combination of these things.

With that said, as best I can tell, this story follows in a similar vein as the source material- it's a wacky adventure. I wound up reading three chapters instead of just one because they're short and move pretty quickly, which is good for a fun adventure story. When I'm reading fanfic in my preferred fandoms and I'm in the mood for something more on the "comedic adventure" side, the fun of it is watching characters react to new situations, and I think it's worth slowing down just a bit and leaning into that more. Fanfic has a unique ability to create some truly hysterical stuff that I've never seen in published fiction, and done properly, the extra sentences won't hurt the pace at all.

Finally, don't forget to read. It helps your writing chops like nothing else. Read silly adventure stories, read serious stuff, read stuff you loved when you were younger, read as much as you can.

OK, I do intend to add some illustrations, as I also love to draw.

Alright, I've done housework for the Con Crit Thread. Tropers/queenieAG, if you are content with the critique, can the thread move on to Evelyn of the Valley by Kini 454? It's roughly a week since the last reply.

@Kini 454: I got round to reading this. Overall, it doesn't feel great to read.

A smaller issue to start with is the overuse of eppithets. You don't need to type out "the blonde maiden/teenager" so often. Just use "Evelyn". On a similar note, you seem to use too many alternative to "said".

The were-bear transformation scene, to pick out one specific paragraph, feels very dull and flat, not fear-inspiring at all. It's all technical language that is over and done with too quickly for horror, which is obviously what you're aiming for. Consider slowing down a little, breaking it up with character reactions, and figuring out what details to keep.

There are also a lot of typos and grammatical mistakes ("took a peak" instead of "took a peek", lower-case "I", inconsistent capitalisation of "Miss"). Give it a manual go-over.

The formal language used throughout the body of the text clashes heavily with the teenage protagonists' more casual style of speaking. For example:

You might want to adjust this to be a little less formal. I'd understand if you're not a native English speaker, but I can't confirm that at the moment.

On a more personal note, Trevor's stutter doesn't feel very genuine. I'm writing a stuttering character myself, and have done a lot of research into it. There're more to it than just repeating the first letter of a word.

Yeah, i ain't a native english speaker, so i have lots of trouble trying to find words. I also struggle a lot with grammar, cause i basically almost never write in real life. To be honest, i don't even know why i keep doing this, cause honestly, i don't find any enjoyment in it, and i find it incredibly frustrating, especially since i just can't seem to do anything right and that i have no clue what makes good writing. Like, i see those bokks and they all have those walls of texts with words i don't even know they existed or know the meaning of, so i'm completely lost as to what to do. Doesn't help that i mever found anything that showed me what to do on the internet, so yeah...

Also, Trevor wasn't really meant to stutter. He was supposed to be like me when i talk and shit, like, i dunno...

Anyways, thanks for the critique. I honestly should stop. Its all a foolish endeavour. I dunno, i wanna cry right now. Its so frustrating, not having any talent whatsoever and nobody caring and being incapable of doing anything right. Ugh, i don't know what to say anymore...

Edited by Kinni454 on Nov 23rd 2022 at 6:57:19 AM

Don't give up! They were trying to help you improve! You can't improve your writing if you don't write at all.

Yeah, sorry. Life has been dull and hard lately. I have a hard time with my emotions.

Likewise, I encourage you to keep on writing, even if it's such an odious experience doing it. If you're feeling better, don't be afraid to write stories. Eventually, you'll start seeing improvements in your writing and your own emotional state.

Okay, but like, what is considered good, then? Cause surely, the story behind the writing is good enough on its own, no? Like, people can see past the writing to enjoy the story, no? Otherwise nothing would be good enough...at least, that's how i feel. Its like...i dunno...i dunno...i dunno...this is too hard. Like, who cares? Surely, as long as the story's good, people would see past the problems and enjoy things?

Edited by Kinni454 on Nov 25th 2022 at 10:58:19 AM

I apologise for being so harsh, if that makes things any better. If I had to pick out a good aspect of your writing, however, I'd say that the plot was very interesting.

Execution is everything in art- the way you convey and present the story has the power to make even the coolest and most innovative ideas come across either as awesome as you intend, or like the dumbest thing ever. Lots of people have neat ideas, but pulling those ideas off is what produces effective stories and art. And the best ways to get better at execution are through practice and studying other works of fiction.

Instead of despairing at how awesome other novels are, try to figure out why they're so good and how they do what they do. Why did you laugh at this line? Why did you cry when the character said that? Why did you gasp, or cheer, or despair when that happened? How did the author make you feel like you were physically there in the setting? If you find a word you're not familiar with, look it up and try to see why the author used that word instead of something else, or why they said something in that particular way instead of some other way. You can do this with anything that causes you to think or feel something you wouldn't have otherwise, whether it's a novel, a forum or social media post, an ad, you name it, because at the end of the day, making people think and feel things is the end goal of all art.

With that said, if writing is genuinely making you feel bad and/or you got other stuff going on, you can always set your story aside and come back to it when you're in a better headspace. I know some people will say that you should push through it, but I consider writing a hobby, and hobbies are supposed to be fun. I walked away from my own WIP because I was going through some personal stuff and the words just weren't coming, and I only just now came back to it for the first time in three years, earlier this week. You do whatever you need to do to get the words flowing.

I never really ask questions when i consume art. I just relax and forget about life. I thought people did the same thing. Then again, i was never one to pay attention to the details. If i liekd the story, then i like it. I don't really care about the other stuff. It's easy for me to see past flaws.

I should probably stay away from writing...or the internet...or just life, in general. All i want right now is to be left alone and stay home watching shit and listening to silent hill music on repeat all day every day. I know it makes me sound like a loser, but that's what i want to do right now and for a long while, unironically.

Sorry for the troubles. I shouldn't have done that.

Edited by Kinni454 on Nov 25th 2022 at 1:16:45 AM

Thank you for your consideration, Kini 454.

We'll move on to the next entry on the Con Crit waitlist, which is Anime Movie. It's a sophomoric, noisy, and ill-conceived script that spoofs anime filled with crude and dark humor.

Just one last thing before i go. I appreciate your critique, and i will take notes. To be honest, i should have written that draft when i had a better state of mind. I'll work on it some more when i'll get better mentally. Or i could just write a different episode altogether.

Anyways, thank you and good day to you all.

Edited by Kinni454 on Nov 25th 2022 at 3:26:17 AM

@Adept Gaderius: Full disclaimer: I'm not a big Anime fan. I'm a fan of a lot of different Anime, but not too much in general. But either way, while it looks technically OK, the contents are very unappealing.

The whole thing reads like a Seltzer and Friedberg script, with random name-dropping taking up space where an actual parody would go, and the mish-mash of genre reference points gives the whole thing a random, disjointed feel. There's a lot of "stating the obvious" and long infodumps.

Additionally, there's a clear lack of research going into Japanese culture (The Japanese police won't casually carry assault rifles and Hoshiko is a relatively uncommon girl's name (if Hoshiko was the officer's surname, he wouldn't introduce himself surname-only to a family member).

The script also reads as downright offensive in parts. The Black Swordsman reads like a racist stereotype, and Betty seems to forget about his harem almost immediately, making her initial disgust at it irrelevant. Not to mention the casualness of Mr. Hoshiko's "waifus".

I couldn't bring myself to get past page 25.

Edited by GoldenCityBird on Nov 27th 2022 at 12:03:16 PM

I am sorry, it appears I cannot do a competent parody. I never wrote it with a coherent plot in mind. I just wanted to do something like Blazing Saddles for live-action anime adaptations, but somehow I made it wrong.