The Constructive Criticism Thread

Your going into the action too quickly. You need to establish her character a bit more. She has to do something or at least be described in some what that foreshadows what type of person she is, or what her role in the plot is going to be.

Well, that's gonna be difficult.

I mean, she's standing on a lamppost looking down at the crowd, trying to find a demon. Unless she suddenly decides to fly to the roof of a building or summon a weapon or something, I can't see what else she can do to foreshadow her true personality...well, other than this little thing I wrote previously:

A gust of wind blew past - it would have caused her to shiver, had she actually possessed the ability to feel cold.

Hmmm...or maybe this'll work:

Perhaps the most remarkable thing about the human race, she mused as she stood looking down at the glittering lights of the city, was that it still thrived.

Which do you like best?

edited 18th Jan '15 2:18:08 PM by fruitstripegum

Oh, the second, by far, because it reveals what she thinks like. But you cant leave it there. Why does she think human thriving is remarkable? The answer to that question will reveal something about her character.

Well, let's face it, humanity doesn't exactly have the world's greatest track record when it comes to wars, does it? Not to mention all the attempted genocides. Even if there weren't any demons, it's still amazing that we haven't obliterated ourselves, isn't it?

I think I might be going about this wrong, though. I wanna make her more of a Nice Girl than a cynical jerk.

That's exactly the kind of questions you should be asking yourself right now. A nice person might question humanity's survival but they would be, er, nicer about it. Like she's happy we survived but surprised at the same time.

Something like:

She had to admit - if only to herself - she was a little surprised that humanity still thrived. After all, when one took into account all the wars and attempted genocides, it was amazing that the human race hadn't wiped itself out. And a good thing that was too, she mused as she stood looking down at the glittering lights of the city, or she never would have been able to come to this fascinating planet.

Maybe?

Your getting closer. Your style still needs work- as it is, your narrative voice comes across as somewhat stilted and formal. But that's something you can iron out later- at this initial stage you should be focused on characterization and scene development.

Now she has to do something that foreshadows her role in the story. She's the protag's sidekick, right? You could foreshadow that by having her help some random stranger. Or something, it's up to you.

Actually, she's supposed to be his Magical Girlfriend. And I was thinking of maybe having her see the demon either entering or exiting the nightclub and following it, but it might be a little too early for that.

By the way, is this what you meant by less stilted (the stuff in bold)?

She folded her arms across her chest as she stood looking down at the waves of people entering and exiting the various buildings, observing each and every one. Had someone been watching her, they might have mistaken her for a statue. Only upon closer inspection would they have noticed the intensity of her stare, which never wavered, though it also never remained focused on any one thing, fluttering from person to person in rapid succession.

I'd say that's better. Improving style is one of the hardest and trickiest things a writer has to do, because there is no one hard and fast set of rules to follow. There's a thread about that here. I would suggest pasting your selection there and asking for feedback.

Well, I followed the advice of that thread and did a bit of a rewrite. Whadda we think now?

The night was peaceful and perfectly clear except for a few clouds, and a gust of cold wind blew overhead. Moonlight shone on the few people unlucky enough to be out this late as they made their way around, thinking of nothing more than the workload waiting for them or what they’d have for supper. They certainly didn’t think to look above their heads, and if any of them noticed the young woman perched atop a lamppost, they paid her no mind.

She folded her arms and looked down at the waves of people entering and exiting buildings, observing each one. Had someone been watching her, they might have mistaken her for a statue. If they'd looked closer, however, they would've noticed the intensity of her stare. Her gaze darted from person to person, never wavering while on a single target.

She had to admit - if only to herself - she was a little surprised that humanity still thrived. After all, considering all the wars and attempted genocides, it was amazing that the human race hadn't wiped itself out. And a good thing too, she mused as she stood looking down at the glittering lights of the city, or she never would have been able to come to this fascinating planet.

Now, I gotta say, that's a nice improvement. Now you just have to write the rest of it!

Well, that's gonna be difficult - I'm kinda just making it up as I go along. But I'll see what I can do.

Ok, I think I've got something. I'm posting it in separate paragraphs because I don't know if it should be part of the old paragraph or a separate one.

She had to admit - if only to herself - she was a little surprised that humanity still thrived. After all, considering all the wars and attempted genocides, it was amazing that the human race hadn't wiped itself out. And a good thing too, she mused as she stood looking down at the glittering lights of the city, or she never would have been able to come to this fascinating world.

Actually, fascinating didn't begin to describe it. So many hair colors - not just blonde, red or brunette but all the colors of the rainbow. So many different clothes - layers upon layers of shirts, belts, gloves, boots, etc. Nothing at all like home.

I changed "planet" to "world" since she's an angel from heaven, not an alien from space.

Other than that, whadda we think? I know it probably needs an edit, but other than that...

edited 26th Jan '15 4:06:51 PM by fruitstripegum

@fruitstripegum

I think you'll find writing good, clear and effective scenes a lot easier if you stop and figure out the fundamental elements of your story first. Who is your main character, and what do they want? What goals arise from those wants? Will the character achieve those goals by the end of the plot? How does the story begin, and how does it end? What are you trying to accomplish with your story?

Try to lay these details down in the simplest, broadest terms possible, then start building on top of them. What do your protagonist's desires, and the goals they settle on to achieve those desires, say about them as a person? If your protagonist is to achieve their goal by the end of the story, how do they do it? Or if they don't, what stops them? If you know how the story begins and ends, what happens in the middle? What elements can you include to achieve your overarching story goals? What elements should you exclude?

Then you can start applying these elements to individual scenes. What are your protagonist's goals in this scene? Will they achieve one or more of them before the scene's end? If not, what stops them? Where in the overall arc of your story does this scene take place? Does the scene fit within the goals you set out for yourself earlier? If not, how can it be made to fit?

Trying to improvise a story is a fine idea, but I guarantee that every writer who can do it already implicitly understands everything I've just described above. If you want to do the same, you've got to understand the fundamentals, same as they do. You can't run before you can walk.

Well, I'm planning on focusing on one chapter at a time.

Right now, the plan is that we meet the heroine standing atop the lamppost, then she detects a demon (it's either in human form or she hears its screech) and pursues it.

I meant the rest of the work. Focusing so much on one specific scene is ok if you're trying to work out details of your writing style, but the best thing to do is just get on with it. You can improve it later.

Thank you - I'll keep that in mind.

By the way, which of these sounds better?

Actually, fascinating probably wasn’t the right word for it

Or

Actually, fascinating didn't begin to describe it

The first sounds like you about to provide the right word for it, so it sets the reader up for a nuanced expression of whatever it is that is happening. The second sounds like nothing could ever express what is happening properly, so it sets the reader up for further expressions of wonder and awe, but no real explanation of what is happening.

That...doesn't answer my question.

The answer to "What sounds better?" depends on the context. If they're going to give a better word, then go with the first. If they're just gonna leave it at that, go with the second.

Hi, I'm writing a Witch professor, specifically in the field of potions. She's based off of Dos Equis and she has a literal Miss Frizzle style of teaching: she never lets her students use recipe cards for her potions.

It's all about memory, trial and error, and group interaction with her. I'm just wondering if there's something that resembles this in real life.

edited 3rd Feb '15 10:14:58 AM by SPDUDE48

Hey everyone! I wrote a new part for my novel.

Actually, fascinating didn't begin to describe it. In fact, perhaps the right word didn’t exist – in any language – for how she felt about this planet and its people, for how deep her yearning to visit had been, for how excited she’d been when the Council had chosen her for this mission...

The mission...

So, what do we think?

edited 12th Feb '15 3:22:24 PM by fruitstripegum

Hey, I decided to give part of my novel a bit of a rewrite. What do we think?

The white glow of the bulb below glinted off of her silver sandals as she folded her arms and looked down at the waves of people entering and exiting buildings, observing each one. Had someone been watching her, they might have mistaken her for a statue. If they'd looked closer, however, they would've noticed the intensity of her stare. Her gaze darted from person to person, never wavering while on a single target.

She had to admit, she mused to herself, she was a little surprised that humanity still thrived. After all, considering all the wars and attempted genocides, it was amazing that the human race hadn't wiped itself out. And a good thing too, she mused as she stood looking down at the glittering lights of the city, or she never would have been able to come to this fascinating world.

To be honest, I'm thinking of giving it all a rewrite, since I'm getting nowhere.

By the way, remember that idea I had for an Unwanted Harem story? I tried giving the opening of THAT a bit of a rewrite too:

Luke was never the type to be late. Not usually, at least. He had always made it a personal rule to try to be at least five minutes early for any and all appointments, be they dentist, doctor, or even something as mundane as the opening of a new kebab shop in town. Tardiness was simply not a word in his vocabulary.

And yet, as he barrelled through the double doors of the Mc Grady, Kennedy and Lewis law firm, he could tell even without looking at his watch that he was cutting it very fine indeed. WHY did alarm clocks have snooze buttons? Especially ones inconveniently situated near the OFF switch?

“Shit, shit, SHIT!” he hissed under his breath, quickening his pace and trying to avoid anyone or anything that happened to be in his way at the same time. “Of all days to oversleep! I knew I should’ve taken Sarah up on her offer of a lift!”

Narrowly evading a young intern clutching a stack of paperwork, Luke charged towards the closing doors of the lift.

So, do we like what I wrote?

edited 13th Feb '15 2:26:55 PM by fruitstripegum

Your opening paragraph looks good to me. And the second one. It's hard to say more without knowing where you are going next. Why are you getting nowhere?

*Sigh* That's the problem - I have no idea WHY I'm not getting anywhere! Maybe I SHOULD have planned it out a bit more before I started writing it.

By the way, remember this part? The night was peaceful and perfectly clear except for a few clouds, and a gust of cold wind blew overhead. Moonlight shone on the few people unlucky enough to be out this late as they made their way around, thinking of nothing more than the workload waiting for them or what they’d have for supper. They certainly didn’t think to look above their heads, and if any of them noticed the young woman perched atop a lamppost, they paid her no mind.

I'm thinking of erasing it, but if I do, HOW will I explain the white glow? Maybe if I have her standing on something other than a lamppost...what do you think?

And when you say "The second one", do you mean the Unwanted Harem story one?