You can't really make it more neutral without losing the trope. The trope is that the Evil Corporation claims to care about people while doing just the opposite and kicking puppies and polluting. This isn't a rant about Real Life companies. This is what companies in fiction actually do. If it sounds like an Author Tract that's because the sort of works it shows up in are AuthorTracts.
What it needs it the "Real Life" examples cut.
edited 16th Jan '12 7:09:35 AM by shimaspawn
Reality is that, which when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -Philip K. Dick
The filidh that cam frae Skye
I just want to change the second paragraph. I mean, I can take a description like "However, in the majority of the cases, the corporation does not care", but "HERR DERR THE CORPORATION IS EEVUL AND IT'S AGAINST THE LAW FOR THEM TO CARE!!!111!!1!" just breaks it.
Halper's Law: as the length of an online discussion of minority groups increases, the probability of "SJW" or variations being used = 1.
Tweak it a little. I wouldn't say "In the majority of cases" though. Phrasing like that causes trope decay. I would say "In this case" instead. That lets people know it's important to the trope but doesn't brand everything as being this case.
Reality is that, which when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -Philip K. Dick
The filidh that cam frae Skye
The thing is, the entire second paragraph needs to be rewritten and I'm not the best writer.
Halper's Law: as the length of an online discussion of minority groups increases, the probability of "SJW" or variations being used = 1.
Let me take a crack at it.
Better?
edited 16th Jan '12 7:20:46 AM by shimaspawn
Reality is that, which when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -Philip K. Dick
The filidh that cam frae Skye
Much better.
Halper's Law: as the length of an online discussion of minority groups increases, the probability of "SJW" or variations being used = 1.
Since the real life section is like half the example list, I'm pretty sure that grounds for cutting it.
I agree. Real life examples should be cut. They're too much of the trope.
edited 16th Jan '12 7:25:20 AM by shimaspawn
Reality is that, which when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. -Philip K. Dick
The filidh that cam frae Skye
Okay, I just cut the real life examples. Should have someone lock this thread?
Halper's Law: as the length of an online discussion of minority groups increases, the probability of "SJW" or variations being used = 1.
Yeah. This article pretty much sounds like an Author Tract railing against corporations. I am in no way a fan of corporations, but this just sounds way too over the top to be an article here. Any way to make is sound more neutral?
edited 16th Jan '12 6:49:11 AM by SantosLHalper
Halper's Law: as the length of an online discussion of minority groups increases, the probability of "SJW" or variations being used = 1.