See if the above poster hooked you:
Every time someone doesn't read the first part of this post, Rick Santorum eats a kitten and your post may be frowned upon.Idea stolen from Critique Circle. The writer will post no more than the first 500-1000 words of their work (unless you desperately need to finish a sentence, I guess). If it's a script, the first four pages should suffice, since 1000 words is about four pages in most books. The reader is pretending to be an editor going through the slush pile, and will stop reading the excerpt if they lose interest. The reader will post to say if they stopped reading, why/ why not, and offer suggestions. The critique doesn't have to be detailed, but please at least offer some advice.
Every time someone doesn't follow the second part, Rick Santorum eats five kittens and your post has a 90% chance of being ignored.FRIENDLY REMINDER: As the title of the thread implies, if someone posted an excerpt before you, please critique it before posting your own. If you skip someone, you lose the right to whine if someone skips over you. People that have been skipped, feel free to post a polite reminder if you're getting concerned. Reading 1000 words and leaving a few comments shouldn't take too long. And look at it this way: if you critique it yourself, you don't risk waiting forever for someone else to do it for you (this thread takes occasional naps) and you don't have to hope the critiquer doesn't have an excerpt of their own to post right after. A SHORT NOTE: By hook we mean the first thing the reader sees of the story, not necessarily some sort of inciting incident. Your beginning can be slow and steady, but it still counts as the hook because readers can still be interested by something that moves slowly as long as something is there that gives the reader a reason to keep going. So if you have a prologue that meets or surpasses the word limit, don't stick your first chapter underneath it. DISCLAIMER: This isn't a hardcore critique thread, so don't try to milk a detailed critique for your first chapter. That's why we have the word limits. Just think of this as a preliminary screening process for serious problems so you can get started on making your first impressions sparkly and awesome.
edited 20th Aug '12 7:46:48 PM by SnowyFoxes
edited 5th Jul '12 5:28:27 PM by ChocolateCotton
edited 5th Jul '12 5:39:43 PM by MorwenEdhelwen
edited 5th Jul '12 5:45:39 PM by MorwenEdhelwen
edited 5th Jul '12 6:10:49 PM by MorwenEdhelwen
edited 6th Jul '12 6:46:46 AM by Dimanagul
edited 7th Jul '12 6:33:49 AM by Kesteven
edited 22nd Jul '12 10:20:16 AM by Lunacorva
edited 26th Jul '12 8:12:23 PM by MorwenEdhelwen
But I think the whole Diary format doesn't quite work here, why would the character spend time giving descriptions and summaries of these characters? He already knows them.
Other than that there are some nice lines in this and I am intrigued.
Can I have a go? Here's a thing:
Cyrus was fast growing tired of this.
He slid easily to the side as a yellow appendage slammed into the ground, sending stinging chips of\\ concrete and mortar into the air. He’d have returned fire by now but chances were this was another case where Bullets Couldn’t Stop This Thing. Which he was also fed up of.
Oh sure, maybe this time the bloody creature might actually get around to ending the world, but it obviously wasn’t going to.
They never do. But for some reason, Cyrus always ended up fighting them anyway. And it wasn’t even his job.
With a sigh of resignation he turned and faced the inconceivable horror yawning behind him. He felt tired. He eyed the creature lazily and started to count its mouths whilst he tried to think of a plan.
When it started to lumber forward he gave up and shot it, just on the off chance.
Nothing. Ah well, he hadn’t expected it to work.
This time it connected and Cyrus was tossed across the room like a ragdoll. He clanged against a pillar and felt his arms splay unpleasantly. The monster howled, or perhaps sang an unearthly choir, and began to eat him.
The hungry ones were probably his least favourite.
As mouths suckered and chewed at his clothes, Cyrus fell around in his back pockets for the small plastic vial of ranch dressing he usually kept there.
His fingers closed and he allowed himself a smile. As his clothes began to tear around the Thing’s teeth he popped the cap and emptied the dressing into its face. A resounding scream of pain filled the chamber and Cyrus managed to slip free of the immobile creature’s grip. He landed on his feet and righted his trilby, which had slipped down over his eyes. He lit himself a cigar, held it between a thumb and forefinger and stared up at the Thing they’d awoken. There still didn’t seem to be a typical weakness bizarrely. Maybe he’d actually have to puzzle this one out.
And then the creature stopped screaming and he had to start running again.
edited 27th Jul '12 12:06:08 AM by SlendidSuit
edited 27th Jul '12 2:56:04 AM by MorwenEdhelwen