Cheating, why is it such a big deal, when it is so remarkably common?

I need to know, because I feel like either I'm surrounded by cheaters, or all girls Igot to know in the biblical sense or in the process of getting there (I had the typical boyfriend-creeping-up-behind almost literally happen to me one) say they have a boyfriend for the sake of maintaining a public image (apparently being "available" automatically depreciates you).

Wait, let me recapitulate: there are the ones who say they have a boydfirend before anything happens, but may or may not have one. Then there are the ones who either lie about it/omit it because they're pulling an Operation: Jealousy, and then there are the ones that actually don't tell me until after we're done, or I find out through my own research later. Those are the ones that piss me off the most. I don't want to help people cheat, that sucks by simple way of Golden Rule.

So, TOPIC: when infidelity and leaving-no-time-slot-between-romantic-partners-and-even-letting-them-overlap is so freaking common (or at least appears so to me), why in the seven hells do people get so worked up over it? Why are cheaters judged so harshly? Everytime I hear someone deride a cheater I feel like saying: "I bet you did it too, and more than once! Or does it only matter when it happens to you or people you love?"

edited 13th Aug '11 3:20:49 AM by GoodGuyGreg

Because betrayal is a big thing and people never expect to be cheated on.

Because humans are bastards.

That does not mean being a bastard is ok.

Note that there is a great difference between cheating and polyamory for this one, and she sees nothing wrong with the latter.

Betrayal happens all the time by everyone to everyone. A friend is a tool, not to be used and discarded, but used over and over and over again. You have, therefore, an incentive to actually make them stronger with each use, and more attatched to you.

Lovers, on the other hand... can you use them as allies, the way you use friends? Or are they only tools of entertainment? If that's the case, then it's more understandable how easy it is to change from one to another...

Neither do I: I wold have had no trouble entering a poyamorous relationship with the girls who had boyfriends, as long as it's an agreement. It would realy ease my consciousness.

edited 13th Aug '11 3:25:56 AM by GoodGuyGreg

Anyway, it is most likely not the universal point of view, but here's why this one, personally, has a big problem with cheating (again, different from polyamory). It's not about who sticks their genitalia where, that's rather irrelevant for this one. It's about breach of trust.

• Unless explicitly agreed otherwise, it is reasonable to assume that cheating would cause serious emotional pain to one's partner
• Cheating is easily avoidable
• If the partner demonstrated unwillingness to refrain form partaking in a minute pleasure in order to avoid causing their loved one pain, they have effectively demonstrated willingness to harm their loved one if it suits them
• Why in the Nine Hells would this one want to be defenceless and naked in the presence of person who demonstrated willingness to harm her?

edited 13th Aug '11 4:04:16 AM by Beholderess

I agree with Beholderess on that one. If my partner can't respect my wishes in that area - when they're fully aware of how I view it and how important it is to me - then they don't respect me. I have no interest in a partner who does not respect me and who I cannot trust.

...

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You guys have made an awesome point here...

I think "recapitulate" was used wrongly in the OP.

And maybe its just the people you know? I know people who have, or at least considered, cheating but its not all that common to go through with it.

As said, it's a betrayal of trust and shows a severe lack of repsect. Also, just because it's common doesn't mean it should be acceptable. "Everyone does it" is a pathetic excuse.

Not everyone conceptualizes sex the same. I'm fine without exclusivity, and I don't conflate intercourse with trust. Being in a relationship does not miraculously stop me from finding other people attractive; if something happens, it's no big deal.

All things being equal, people prefer not being cheated on over being cheated on, and many prefer cheating and getting away with it over not cheating (though in the second case it's probably "prefer" in the short-term way the way smokers prefer smoking to not smoking, not as a lifetime decision).

Making a big deal over cheating is a way to signal that you're probably not a cheater. Or at least, not making a big deal away could show that you are either a cheater or a pushover.

Or that you don't find one's freedom to have sex with whomever they like to have any bearing on the quality of commitment within a relationship, and hence think that "cheating" is a grossly inaccurate dysphemism.

edited 13th Aug '11 5:07:27 AM by kashchei

However, if the relationship is exclusive, and you go and boff someone else, it's a betrayal. Nobody is saying you can't be into open relationships if that's your thing.

edited 13th Aug '11 5:15:36 AM by Talby

Again, is someone knows that their partner has nothing against them having sex with other people,then there is nothing wrong with it. And it's not really cheating. Open relationships are perfectly fine.

If someone knows that their partner would be hurt by cheating (and in present culture it is a default assumption unless noted otherwise), then cheating demonstrates lack of respect and trustworthiness.

edited 13th Aug '11 5:21:23 AM by Beholderess

Regardless of what you want from your own relationships, it seems reasonable to expect that if somebody does expect sexual exclusivity, it's a great breach of trust to go behind their back and sleep around anyway. Your partner explicitly asked you not to do something and stressed how much it would hurt their feelings if you were to do this, you said "Yes, that's fine," and then proceeded to do it anyway.

Such a blatant disregard for your partner's feelings does not bode well.

.Again, morality exists to regulate and organize life in society. As the needs of a society shift, and make common behavior shift away from what it used to be, from the norm, from what the rules accomodated, then it's time to change the rules.

If cheating is normal, then it should be treated as normal, and regulated. To the point that "you can't expect me not to cheat and it is wrong for you to forbid that as a condition to us staying together" becomes as obvious and prevalent as "you can't expect me not to leave the house/have my own property/masturbate/dance the polka and it is wrong for you to forbid that as a condition to us staying together".

I'm very tempted never to put that as an instant lose condition in a relationship. The trouble will be how to properly signal that I am not a pushover, and that I do care. [some people may remeber a thread where I explained I felt unnaturally intense jealousy: you will also remember from there that I put my principles waaay before my emotions]

Again, if that would be the case, it would not be cheating, it would be an open relationship.

If you can make open polygamy work, in marriage or not, more power to you. But there's a difference between stating openly that you love two partners and sneaking around with one behind the others back.

I agree that this may just depend on your friends - I've known friends with a few dramatic dumpings and relationships that failed, (and at least one shotgun marriage) but as far as I recall, there's never been any drama about cheating.

So, selection bias in your case.

Otherwise, I agree with what's been said; cheating is mostly a problem when it comes down to betrayal of trust. Hence why it's called "cheating".

That's not really a good comparison. In an exclusive relationship, it's generally understood that it goes both ways - neither partner will sleep around behind the others back. There is equality. That's very different from one side of the relationship making unreasonable rules which they themselves don't follow.

Fair point.

Greg: Spend more time talking to these gals before you bone them, and if you think you want to be in a relationship with any of them, make sure that you both know where you each stand on an issue.

And the really hard part, is for the sake of integrity it might mean passing up chances to get laid with a few chicks if you know they have a boyfriend.

Especially if you really like the chicks. Then again, I only bone people i relly like, I can't recall ever having sex with someone just because of their looks...

@OP

Exodus 20:14.

linkie plz