The All-Purpose 2814 Fanfiction Thread

Diana was coming to the conclusion that there was a lot about heroics she hadn't been told about back home on Themyscira. Because of course there was.

The battle against the Wild Horse of Chaos was fierce and furious. He was fast, strong, capable of flying and seemed to be able to cast rays of light that hit as hard as any of Diana's sisters. There was, fortunately, forewarning when he did that, since he seemed completely incapable of doing so without calling out the ability's very long name first. Diana's shield was of no use, as it just meant her own shield slammed her into the wall or the ground. Some of the Green Lantern's earlier statements about speed being better than armor began to make more sense. As did her orders that Diana sheath her sword. The Raging Heart had already been ripped from the Green Lantern's had twice already, their enemy smugly trying to wield it against her, but the anti-theft feature seemed to be vexing him. It kept electrocuting him and going back to its master's hand.

Still, Diana fought on, and she learned after the first time to not let him lead her around in a circle. The Green Lantern was quick to save her from that trap, and the sudden and completely out-of-nowhere tornado that suddenly appeared even let them get the edge on him when Diana's companion used it as cover to suddenly summon a lot of explosives. Diana personally thought it was a highly unfair weapon, which made it completely appropriate for a highly unfair opponent.

She supposed it was to be expected such a powerful monster of an opponent would have a strange weakness.

“Thank you for your help, ladies,” Green Lantern said, bowing low at the group of satisfied-looking local housewives, all armed with frying pans. They were old frying pans, scratched, dented and deeply pitted, with their nonstick layer showing enormous gaps. Many of the dents were new.

The woman in the lead, who looked strangely familiar gave a beatific smile. “We're always willing to assist, Green Lantern-chan.” The smile became less beatific. “Besides, some of us have issues with that one. He dined and dashed!”

“He keeps blowing holes in our ceiling!” another woman declared, outraged.

“He pushed me into traffic!” an old lady said. Her frying pan was very dented.

Off to the side, a mildly bruised, abraded and highly annoyed Diana was tying up the Wild Horse of Chaos with her lasso and resisting the urge to make a noose with it. Or just reach around and snap his neck. Given how he'd been bragging only a few minutes ago, perhaps his muscles would be too tough for her to turn his head around enough, but one never knew. If she could just…

No, no, that wasn't how they did things, was it? Enemies were taken alive to be tried and imprisoned. Unless they were monsters… but only if they were actively killing people or clearly mindless… but be careful in case they're only mind-controlled innocents… argh, she couldn't remember all of it! Why had Man's World made things so complicated?

“Sooo… ” Diana said as the Green Lantern finished taking 'witness statements'. “His weakness is being struck by women wielding cooking implements?”

“Hard blunt objects,” was the cheerful reply. Except for a little sweat, her appearance was impeccable. Even the sweat was already disappearing. “Yes, it is. No one's quite sure why. We think he has a scary mother.”

Ah. Diana could understand that. Mother could at times seem very scary.

“So, you hungry?” the Green Lantern asked as they waited for the police to take away their captive and sign off on the reports for filing. “I don't know about you, but fighting him always gives me an appetite.”

Over the years, humanity had made several advances in space exploration, the ill-fated expedition to Mars not withstanding. Wayne Enterprises had even managed to make the crucial breakthrough that had led to the discovery of non-centrifugal artificial gravity, although so far the only prototype was in the International Space Station being developed by Kaznia.

Many of man's space probes had been built with long missions in mind, since back then they'd not yet had the (non-classified) resources to get things to places a lot faster. On this day, one such noble device was coming to an end.

It was called the MESSENGER (MErcury Surface, Space ENvironment, GEochemistry, and Ranging) satellite, and it had just run out of propellant. Now, orbital decay was setting in, and it was slowly dropping into the planetary atmosphere. Ironically, the way it had been constructed meant that despite this, every other piece of gear on it was still perfectly functional and at full power. NASA, in the long line of a prod tradition of making do, was having it take every scan and reading it could until the very last moment.

The camera, having nothing better to do anymore, had been set to provide a first-person view of what the satellite saw as it fell. The view was being streamed over the internet mostly uninterrupted, though that wasn't expected to last long, given the abuse of atmospheric entry.

Then things started getting... weird.

At some point in the broadcast, a little girl in a black and green dress and glowing a nice shade of emerald appeared in the view of the camera, holding what appeared to be a comically-oversized butterfly net. From practice gestures she was making, she obviously intended to catch the satellite. Then, out of nowhere, Superman appeared, and the two proceeded to have some sort of conversation. The young girl made some gesticulating motions, her butterfly net disappearing as she waved what look like bright-green sheets of paper with writing on them. Later, observers, going through the footage frame-by-frame and clearing up all the interference, saw a few words and what looked like blank lines. One of the more prominent words was 'littering'.

The resultant hub-bub (“Superman can fly to Mercury! What'd we send a satellite for, what a waste of rocket fuel...”) was such that it was about a week before keen-eyed observers noticed the five frames worth of footage of an obviously artificial structure on the planetary surface just before the feeds finally burned away.

The next day, the half-melted satellite appeared in Cape Canaveral , outside the control center, taking up two handicapped spaces in the parking lot. Pinned to it was a note in bright green paper.

“After further consideration, we are issuing a warning citation. Please be in accordance with Florida TITLE XXIX, Chapter 403, 4c. The planet Mercury is private property, and the owner, while flattered you're visiting and is all right with you taking pictures, would like to ask you to please give the next unit you send the capability of returning to its point of origin. Under intergalactic salvage laws, the owner has claimed the panel with the NASA logo and satellite details as recompense and returns the rest of your property to you. Any future incidents of littering will result in a fine in accordance with Florida TITLE XXIX, Chapter 403, 6a. Please note most of your satellites exceed 15 pounds in weight or 27 cubic feet in volume, and will surely result in a noncriminal infraction. Thank you and have a pleasant day.

“P.S. Also, you should know that all your unmanned Mars Probes? Not there anymore. Souvenirs, you know. See intergalactic salvage laws.”

Appended were a few sheets that were apparently salvage laws as practiced in the Milky Way Galaxy, and a suggestion that next time, they just ask Superman if he had some free time and hand him a camera.

The implication that Mercury apparently had an 'owner' was very ominous.