I think I've found your problem.
Stop reading youtube comments. Seriously. There is no point to it. All it is is a contest to see who can say the most stupid, offensive, ill-thought-out piece of idiocy imaginable. I have almost never seen a comment there that conveyed anything useful whatsoever.
Ha, that's just one example I can give of the internet's crud obsession with race.
I finally got away from dial-up several years ago as a graduation present from my parents along with them helping to pay for my sister city trip to Japan. We have a Sister City that I got invovled in and is probably an influence as to why I am so interested in Japanese culture, we don't have a Sister City other than in Japan, so I dedicated a lot of my life to understanding Japanese culture better.
When I got back, I was such a "weeaboo" from my good time and wishing the trip wasn't over, I immediately went in search of places to learn more about Japanese culture and prepare for a possible trip back. One of them, was the Japan New Site Japan Today
, and I eventually joined the forum. And my mind has been on the downside ever since, and if feels like the internet is using me instead of me using it, like I once was to further my Japanese cultural goals. Because it turns out, instead of getting myself enriched in postive Japanese culture there, my mind became trolled into destruction and dependence. As the forum was a Wretched Hive
of race trolls, so much that they created a "racial superiority/inferiority" section as a sink for all the frequent racist posts that made that site a hell for anyone. You couldn't even imply there was something good about the Ainu or the Jomon era of Japan without being labeled a white supremacist. I searched for other sites to help me with my Japanese studying, sister city supporting, Japanophilic mentality, and it kept happening. Everywhere and everywhere, on Japanese related sites and not. Surprisingly, probably more often in Japan related sites.
If you want immersion learn by watching the tv and listening to their music, sites like Jpopmusic.com has people like ga_bu who is a racist Asian American troll living in Japan, who absolutely butchers white members for their Asian-ness in behaviour. 4chan is one of the most racist places on the internet, probably guilty of spreading racism to a lot of other sites. One could almost mistake the theme of that site to not be otaku-oriented Japanese culture, but of White Nationalism. Does the wish go on and on? I wish it didn't. Being here at TV Tropes
has been part of the lamentable internet addictive I've gained by continually searching for a place online where I can hold my peace of mind. I'm broken. It's dramatic and "emo" sounding to say, but I feel I have been breaking more and more with every year since 2006 at least.
I wanted to learn Japanese and see my homestay family again when I was an 18 year old in 2004. What do I have to show for it that I have come to the internet? I can't even try studying Japanese without putting the book down and breaking down into tears. And a Last.fm account with too many plays and littered comments telling me things like "you'd better be Asian. Because otherwise you're the biggest weeaboo I've ever met."
In recent year I'd mental broken down so much from it all, not only did I stop learning Japanese, I took back up anime after several years of not watching it, and started getting involved in arguments about religion and sexism and homosexuality to take my mind away from it. And it'd been successful to balance myself and bring back some sanity and happiness until just recently. I'm practically a shell of who I once was, and even that shell is breaking apart and growing mold. I hardly even know what I want to do with my life anymore and what I can excuse my life for doing, because it seems like in every path I take I am defeated. Defeated by my own mind heeding the negative energy of others. Learning Japanese, learning Finnish, learning any other language, being attracted to Easterners, Westerners, men, women, blacks, foreigners, countrymen, fictional, real, trying new foods, playing video games, watching anime, watching animation at all, anything that I can remotely manage to be able to come to love, it all seems pointless. Thousands upon thousands of interests and I can't even manage to settle upon accepting one. Switching from thing to thing as an escape rope so that my mind can tell myself I'm a varied enough human and that all of the things I like are okay. Because I continually run from things I like when my mind hits the danger zone. Someone was telling me to broaden my horizons, I'm not sure I can broaden myself much more at this point without my mind falling apart and losing my sense of self and essence. Because I'm trying to stretch myself out to new things every day, often forcefully so.
Your obsessing about the topic doesn't bother me for me; it bothers me that you are putting yourself through this torment. It bothers me because it is not good for you and you keep bashing your head against that wall, visibly and bloodily. Worse, because you seem driven to take notice of only what the offensive, stupid people say yet you ignore the advice of those who don't say those stupid things. Why do you take idle, offensive comments from racist idiots on the Internet so seriously yet you don't listen to the sane, sensible people?
Thank you for the consideration. Hearing nice things like that isn't enough to immediately fix my brain. But it does make feel a little more comfortable and happy. And I just want people who say things like that to know it and that I appreciate it.
I'm not sure it is that I ignore the sane people and pay attention to the sane people. I think that I pay attention to them both equally, and I cannot seem to sift out the derisive voices. Or rather, maybe my mind pays attention to them more because they're more painful, it makes me feel surrounded by a reality of a cultural opinion that will go away. Something that is not objectively true, but is culturally true, that who I am is unacceptable, that every last desire of mine is unacceptable. And that the happy voices I tell myself are a delusion to excuse and justify myself. I don't have the confidence to believe in myself, and instead there is a voice inside, mimicking every troll and cruel human, saying "you're just lying to yourself, you pathetic weeaboo. Look at you try to justify your sick Jewish behavior. You're so pathetic. Can't you just stop ignoring this truth you know is true and stop doing chinky, faggy things? You're worthless. You're so pathetic you don't even realize you're just justifying and rationalizing worthless behavior and desires. We're never going to disappear, you're alone in the world. You're an aberation. Just die, you're a burden upon the whole world. You're an Autismal fuck and failure to your race." It's also I think that I've become accustomed to hearing this sort of thing. I hear derisive voices more often than complementary ones. It's conditioned me to do things like suspect people will secretly or not so secretly hate me for being a "weeaboo" or whatever else. Making me feel alone in the world.