Control my life

Inspired by a Something Awful comedy goldmine thread.

The premise of this game:

The alien race of Qwertyu'iop has parked their colony ships right above the Earth, and are ready to invade. There's only one problem - their weapons aren't overhauled yet, and if they were to try and attack now, they would be slaughtered. One spy goes down to Earth in the guise of a human, in order to spy on them and ascertain their way of life. That alien... is me.

Basically, you tell me to do stuff, and I do it, no matter how ridiculous it is (in fact, the more ridiculous the better). Think a text-based version of MS Paint Adventures.

To start off this thread:

I awake inside a large blue organism the Qwertyu'iop masters told me was called a "bed". I appear to be wearing some type of soft green cloak. There is a large wooden object *

to the right of me, and to my left, there is another large wooden object *

^desk

with two black boxes *

^computer

sitting on it. There is a door directly in front of me.

What should I do?

edited 10th Apr '11 7:06:43 AM by YonTroper

Feed the blue organism to the first big wooden object. Definitely.

Large blue organism pushed into first large wooden object. It does not quite fit. Loud cracking noise reported. I am hoping they will mate.

Now go through opening on the wall. Then jump over the fence to land on the lower level.

Be a sensible individual and go through the door.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:15:39 AM by annebeeche

Banned entirely for telling FE that he was being rude and not contributing to the discussion. I shall watch down from the goon heavens.

Doing the first one cos it's funnier

Objective completed. Reporting extreme pain in feet.

A female walks by my and says that she does not wish to see my "junk".

edited 10th Apr '11 7:15:31 AM by YonTroper

Wonder how you are capable of understanding English.

Ignore the lady and walk down the street on the sidewalk.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:17:46 AM by annebeeche

Banned entirely for telling FE that he was being rude and not contributing to the discussion. I shall watch down from the goon heavens.

no, no, you went through the wrong opening. You'll just have to jump back through and then go through the large rectangle opening that you can close and open.

The fence is sometimes known as a safety rail.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:17:34 AM by Braincogs

Say out loud, "How am I capable of understanding English?"

The female has an odd expression on her face and inquires if I am a "retard". I then walk back into the building, and into the large rectangular opening. I am in a long rectangular room. There is a large rectangle of a transparent substance on one wall.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:18:30 AM by YonTroper

Clearly this female is a warleader of some sort. Approach her and demand that she reveal her secrets.

I guess we could go... wherever we please.

Well then I suppose since you're already outside that you'll just have to capture one of those large metallical beasts. I suggest using rope.

Crowning Moment Of Funny

edited 10th Apr '11 7:20:49 AM by annebeeche

Banned entirely for telling FE that he was being rude and not contributing to the discussion. I shall watch down from the goon heavens.

THE NINJAS THEY ARE KILLING ME

Attempt to lick the transparent surface. It is not "candy".

I say that I do not know what "junk" is, then ask if she has a "junk" too. She runs away screaming. "Junk" ascertained as human weapon.

No rope found. Attempted to capture mechanical beast with hands. Reporting extreme pain in cranial area.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:20:42 AM by YonTroper

There are two large fleshbags on her chest.

Squeeze them! They might contain weapons!

... Ah, ninja'd.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:20:50 AM by SheWhoChewsGum

"If you had to choose, would you save one baby or five old people? What if the baby had a Hitler mustache?" - Yahtzee

Run after woman. Squeeze large fleshy areas. She releases an odd moaning sound. They do not contain weapons.

Please don't post so fast, I can't keep up!

edited 10th Apr '11 7:22:06 AM by YonTroper

This pain is a sure sign that your method is working. Continue while practising your best warcry.

Are you sure they do not? Best give them an extra squeeze just in case.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:22:04 AM by Phoenixor

I guess we could go... wherever we please.

Yell "ASDFGHJKL;!" and continue squeezing fleshy areas. The female falls over and a red liquid pours from her chest. No junks found.

I walk away from where the woman was, along the hard black surface.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:24:54 AM by YonTroper

This thread is really fast.

Ask a female if her weight is normal for her species. You'll need to know the average size of what you'll be up against.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:26:38 AM by Braincogs

Inquiry asked. The female drives her foot into my lower abdominal area. Reporting extreme pain in lower abdominal area.

Why am I not dead yet? Seriously, I've broken my ankles, got run over by a car, kicked in the nuts...

edited 10th Apr '11 7:27:37 AM by YonTroper

It obviously has something to do with your armor. Take it off and inspect it. Then compare how you fair against another stampeding "metal-cow" with and without your earth-armor.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:28:37 AM by Braincogs

Armor removed. Reporting soft fleshy pink surface underneath. Lie down on the road in front of a mechanical beast, which stops sharply in front of me. Human parasite emerges from beast and asks "what the hell are you doing?"

Enter the beast where the human emerged.

Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton!

Reply that you are an alien. Then take control of the beast. And see how the human fairs against it.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:32:04 AM by Braincogs

Enter the beast and say that I am an alien. Button pressed. Two appendages are moving in front of a large transparent rectangle on the beast's front. Human parasite is angry and hitting window with hand.

Tell the individual to please stop doing that to his hand, he might damage it.

edited 10th Apr '11 7:33:06 AM by annebeeche

Banned entirely for telling FE that he was being rude and not contributing to the discussion. I shall watch down from the goon heavens.