The second version I cleaned up the prose a bit and changed the ending. It's about 400 words longer.
Probably you should look at both and help me decide what ending is better.
edited 3rd May '13 12:57:51 AM by ohsointocats
By the way, everybody, you should all offer to review Cats work, just so that you can get a copy and read it for yourself. It's that good.
E-Who-Must-Not-Be-Gendered
I feel sad my work is never that good. It is certainly never good enough to merit more criticism than "I like it", which is about as useful as "the sky is blue today".
Marq thank you for the endorsement but keep in mind that what I sent you is a contest entry so not everyone can read yet 
E-Who-Must-Not-Be-Gendered
I can read it! Send it to me!
Uh. Anyone who wants to beta for me can send me their email.
Also Young The Giant is beginning recording a new EP. Yessssss...
Sorry if I opened a can of worms. I completely forgot about the contest... my oops.
I definitely wouldn't mind a few more pairs of eyes looking at it for me, but perhaps everyone should keep in mind that there are going to be more contest entries wanting critique soon and that they'll all be available to read soon anyway.
I seem to have this uncanny knack for ripping off characters from works I've never seen before.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
You all know the shortest horror story ever, right? "The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door." And you probably also know the shift from "knock" to "lock". I've got a way to make it even shorter: "The last man on earth sat alone in a locked room."
E-Who-Must-Not-Be-Gendered
But at that point that's not really a horror story, just a tragedy.
(That Guy You Met Once)
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
I've heard that (the original version) several times.
I usually respond with: "...Well, you never said there weren't any women left."
—
Anyway, I wrote another thing today. Much shorter than the last thing. I'm not sure what it is - it's not quite a short story, but it's definitely not a poem - or what drove me to write it.
Maybe once I get it edited, I'll use it as another creepypasta.
That’s why so few people have done it.
Sacrificing lives doesn’t work. Blood is just another earthly liquid to it. It has no use for corpses.
It does not eat.
Also ineffective are wearing black, lighting candles, drawing sigils, reading incantations, or playing any form of music.
Satan has no concern for any of the decorations you may think it’ll like.
To reach it, just focus on it.
Do not think of goats, snakes, red men with horns, or any such folktales.
Man puts a familiar face on what he can’t understand.
Learn fear.
Immerse your mind in it. Fear of death. Fear of the unknown. Fear of God. Fear of anything.
Hate.
It doesn’t matter at what you direct it. A man, a woman, a race, a gender, or yourself.
Just hate. Hate until it drives out all rational thought. Hate until it’s all you know.
Study atrocities.
Both the great ones of history and the tiny ones committed daily.
Find beauty in them, and even more the motives behind them.
Tell yourself it’s right to do those things.
Then, in its own time, it’ll come to you.
Not in a cloud of smoke, not from a burning pit in the ground. Not as a goat, or a snake, or a man.
Or a woman.
But as a tiny voice in your head, calling you.
It does not speak, it just manipulates thoughts.
Most people don’t recognize it.
But if you have done all of the above, you will know that this is what you were looking for.
It does not answer to Satan. Nor Devil, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, Diablo, Angra Mainyu, or Great Black Swine.
Do not ask its true name.
You will hear the screams of every creature that has ever lived, and feel the pain of anyone or anything ever murdered, tortured, or eaten alive.
Noise and suffering beyond the human mind.
No one survives that.
Those who don’t die of shock or heart failure, throw themselves off buildings and onto highways. Some die by their own bare hands.
They’re the lucky ones.
If you’ve made it to this point, there’s no need to ask yourself why you’re doing this.
If you’ve made it to this point, you have only one purpose.
You want to see what’s behind all the made-up creatures and tawdry stories of death we use for our cheap imitation of fear.
You want to see what’s behind fear itself, behind sadness, behind hate, behind pain.
The thing from which all of those are born.
So simple, words can’t describe it.
We call it darkness, but it’s nothing like a color.
We give it hundreds of names because none can label it.
There is only one deal you can make with the devil. Only one thing it can show you.
Itself.
But your mind can’t comprehend it. Not while tied to human eyes, human ears, a human brain.
In order for you to see it, it must first tear you out.
And make you a part of it.
It will be all you see, hear, feel, and think.
You will get your wish.
Forever.
edited 4th May '13 3:16:00 AM by Wheezy
Project progress: The Adroan (102k words), The Pigeon Witch, (40k). Done but in need of reworking: Yume Hime, (50k)
It's pretty clearly a poem, although not one of the conventional forms.
It was pretty good, I liked it.
I want to write a villain protagonist...
I keep forgetting to find a beta reader for my (first) book. I should probably post it in the Uncle Drunkie thread.
Aaaand done.
edited 4th May '13 3:35:22 PM by Masterofchaos
◥▶◀◤
I've gotten a lot of writing done today but while writing I've come to realize my FMC has some serious prejudices against those who see/need therapists or have mental disorders. I'm going to have to have her get over it at some point but right now it's very hard for me to write.
Rarely active, try DA/Tumblr Avatar by pippanaffie.deviantart.com
The last man on earth laid in a locked room. There was a whimper outside.
I'd say I'm being refined Into the web I descend Killing those I've left behind I have been Endarkened
The last man on earth lay in a dark room. But who was phone?
The last man laid in a locked room. And then a skeleton popped out.
(That Guy You Met Once)
Thank you, demarquis.
Speaking of scary, IDK who read that creepypasta thread
, but I'm considering submitting an edited version of the story I posted there to a site for short horror fic, Creepypasta.com, or maybe r/NoSleep. Does anyone think it's good enough.
Also, I'm still wondering if it's actually creepy.
edited 4th May '13 9:05:39 PM by Wheezy
Project progress: The Adroan (102k words), The Pigeon Witch, (40k). Done but in need of reworking: Yume Hime, (50k)
Apparition in the Woods
In an interesting coincidence, something very similar to what you describe is the defining motivation of my story's primary antagonist. Fun.
Also, cool little piece, although I would tinker a bit with the wording and format.
I'll hide your name inside a word and paint your eyes with false perception.
(That Guy You Met Once)
Thanks. How so?
Project progress: The Adroan (102k words), The Pigeon Witch, (40k). Done but in need of reworking: Yume Hime, (50k)
Apparition in the Woods
I shall PM you. You might find it interesting.
I'll hide your name inside a word and paint your eyes with false perception.
I am wondering about going back to the dumbass elemental idea I had.
For the first time in more than two weeks I haven't reached my word count goal. I did however write my first real solid joke of the work.
edited 2nd May '13 9:08:08 PM by Vyctorian
Rarely active, try DA/Tumblr Avatar by pippanaffie.deviantart.com