Adoption: The Primal Wound

Some of the other threads about reproductive assistance have a rather glowing view of adoption which I'm starting to question. Go to any online adoption forum and you will find a large number of posts from regretful birthmothers and resentful adult children of adoption. The concept of a primal wound gets throw around a lot. The idea that a baby bonds with it's mother even in the womb and that the act of adoption abandonment is fundamental more harmful to a child's development then being abused or disadvantage will ever be.

Do you think there is truth to this? I can't help but notice that there is a Troper Tales page for Gene Hunting but none for Happily Adopted…

edited 11th Jan '11 5:24:11 PM by joeyjojo

Troper Tales is a poor statistical sample between regretful adoptees and Happily Adopted.

I can never believe that a child being adopted is more harmful than being abused. That's a load of nonsense.

As the father of two adopted children, I may be able to provide some insight on this. Adoption is tough, on both the parents and the children. Certainly better than growing up an orphan, but it seems perfectly understandable to me that adopted children (and their parents) might end up with psychological issues that need to be addressed. That said, our adoption seems to be going successfully (knock on wood) and I have no real regrets about it.

That's a load of bull. I'm sure there are some children whose adoptive parents weren't the best, but I can't help but think that there are also some who would be trying to find a way to explain away the dissatisfaction in their life in a manner that doesn't involve personal responsibility.

Also wtf adoption being worse than abuse.

edited 11th Jan '11 5:36:17 PM by Bur

Troper Tales is just a poor statistical sample period.

One of the families in my congregation adopted two kids from the Philippines, and as far as I know they're doing okay. There are very few cases of adoption I'd consider worse than being in social services sans-family, and the only ones I'd consider worse than regular abuse are the few that contain regular abuse as well.

There's something that has to be said about honesty they put into the whole thing. I mean, these kids aren't exactly oblivious to their adoption, and they've had a couple talks with the parents that basically come down to "as far as we care, it doesn't matter".

They've probably got less potential issues since their biological kids are already out of the nest and favoritism is out the window.

edited 11th Jan '11 7:05:35 PM by Pykrete

Some stats. Also Troper Tales is just poor period.

Troper Tales: The Scrappy of the TV Tropes Fora.

Yeah, it turns out that when you give internet-goers an opportunity to dramatize parts of their own lives, you wind up with little more than whining about how much their lives suck (always the fault of others, naturally) and bragging about how awesome they are.

The same, I would imagine, goes for the "adoption boards" mentioned in the OP. Adopted kids who are happy and content with their position probably don't feel as much need to talk about it as those with something to complain about. And when people talk about their personal lives on the internet in general, they tend to be melodramatic.

I don't know. I spent some time on wikilaw3k.com and there was a woman who had been adopted at birth in the 70s by a well off and loving family but nevertheless felt that she would of prefer her mother to of have an abortion and spare her her agony of an adopted childhood. Clearly the fact she was separated from her mother had damage her profoundly. This was an actual full grown woman saying she wish she was never born .

edited 11th Jan '11 6:41:40 PM by joeyjojo

Has she killed herself? If not, she's full of shit.

That sounds like someone who might be chemically imbalanced. Did she ever seek help or just sit around going "Ah-hah, I'm adopted. That must be the source of all my troubles. Damn my birth mother for birthing me!"

I don't know. I spent some time on wikilaw3k.com and there was a woman who had been adopted at birth in the 70s by a well off and loving family but nevertheless felt that she would of prefer her mother to of have an abortion and spare her her agony of an adopted childhood. Clearly the fact she was separated from her mother had damage her profoundly. This was an actual full grown woman saying she wish she was never born .

You also get people who were not adopted who wish they were never born. As Bur says, it's entirely probable that she suffers from some psychological disorder, and has fixated on adoption the source of the suffering she would in fact have experienced anyway.

If you want to determine whether people who are adopted are worse or better off on the whole, you have to look at statistics. Case studies are not helpful here.

I came to similar possibility while look through her posts and made a suggesting to her to look into her birth parents mental history.

It's a testament to my self control that I was able to suppress my inner troll enough into not recommend what Wanderhome raise as a option. Mostly because it seem like she might actually do it.

edited 11th Jan '11 7:07:08 PM by joeyjojo

Adoption is good. What else are we to do with child who have unfit or dead parents? What else do we do with orphans? Adoption is also infinitely better than abortion, which is the alternative to unwanted babies.

Also, anybody who treats their adoptive parents like crap simply for being adoptive parents and want their biological parents is so stupid they deserve a slap across the face.

edited 11th Jan '11 7:28:08 PM by washington213

Uhm, no. People that bitch about being adopted having ruined their lives are just walking avatars of {{Wangst.}} The 'primal wound' idea is nonsense; I had an adopted little sister who hated her mother from the day she was born.

Agreed, except replace 'slapped' with 'left hook.'

edited 18th Jan '11 3:07:56 PM by Diamonnes

I am adopted and I love both of my parents.

We have a five year old son adopted from Guatemala and he is unquestionably our son. He knows he's adopted although he is obviously too young to understand the full meaning of it, but the love and trust in our family is indistinguishable from him being our biological child. Certainly he's better off than what he would have been back there - an unwanted extra child who might have ended up begging in the streets.

I think that reports of adoption wangst are highly anecdotal.

Regarding the lack of Troper Tales for Happily Adopted, I can't think of much people would want to say on it. "Umm, yeah, doing fine.". Contentment doth not a good tale make.

I can certainly imagine parents regret offering their children for adoption. Especially if things since improved for the ones who couldn't look after them - they got their house back, they kicked the drugs, the hubbie who didn't want the kids left etc. But you can regret making even the right decisions.

Yeah, primal wounds sounds like sh**e. Kids have been adopted for how many thousands of years? Or millions? why should nature make it feel bad?

"Happy people make for boring television."
—Joss Whedon

edited 20th Jan '11 9:42:26 PM by WoolieWool

Well, of course he'd say that.

Studies show that adoptees have a slightly higher risk of various psychological problems (like, on the level of 1% more or so). It's uncertain whether this represents subtle adoption trauma, or just that mentally ill people are more likely to put a kid up for adoption.

Now, older adoption (over about 1-2 years old) is definitely associated with significant issues. But generally in that case, the alternative is long-term foster care or living in a really bad biological home.

I think adoption's a pretty good thing. I also think it would be good if we provided enough support that many parents contemplating putting a child up for adoption would have the option of keeping the child. I mean, not in cases of obviously unsuitable parents, but when the child's given up basically because the mom is young, single and unprepared, support could make a big difference.

And arguing for abortion on the basis that adoption hurts is just plain silly.

I would far rather a child be raised in a loving home to parents that want it than in a substandard environment, solely on the basis of biology. Biological parents have far too many automatic rights in our system, in my opinion.

To the OP: Troper Tales is generally not the best thing to look at comparing adoption stories. Partly because we're a comparatively tiny source, partly because happy stories are boring, and partly because this is the Internet and you don't know who's spinning tales/exaggerating/genuinely unhappy with their adopted parents.

If you go to an actual adoption site, they have tons of information on how to make the adoption process as non-traumatizing as possible. They have therapists who specialize in dealing with adoption, for god's sake.

Edit: Just realized I probably necro'd the thread, sorry.

edited 6th Mar '11 11:42:02 AM by Sharysa

The trouble is that adoption agencies make a tidy sum of money form each adoption in finders fees. They have a interest to paint adoption in the best light as possible.

About the nerco☠, no one is perfect man.

edited 6th Mar '11 1:37:08 PM by joeyjojo