Okay. I'm throwing aside my inner voice, putting on my thick skin, and lobbing the opening of Manifestation Files into the wild. Here it is.
His wheeled luggage clattered on the tan carpeting. The passengers exiting the airplane tunnel walked around him as he pushed himself up with shaky arms, a cringe flickering out. Dad and I stood dumbfounded. A bandage on his forehead and a sheepish smile marked his face.
He rubbed the back of his head and laughed nervously as he took my hand and shook it. “Umm...sorry about that.” His British accent was soft, timid, like a feeble-lunged flutist.. “Phineas Walker...but call me Finn.”
I held back the temptation to shake my head. I let go of his hand and folded my arms. “I’m Bryan. Welcome to Memphis.”
I held back the temptation to glare at Dad as he came forward “Hello, I’m Mr. Richardson.” He picked up Finn’s suitcase for him. “Do you have any luggage to pick up?” He didn’t look at me, considering what we were talking about one minute before Finn stumbled into Memphis.
“Besides this?” Finn gripped the handle. “Only one. I don’t have much.”
Dad began to lead us away from the seating area. “Oh, don’t worry. We have everything you need for your stay.”
Not we, Dad. Mom and I. You’re only taking us home before you leave tomorrow on another business trip.
My main questions:
- Does it hook?
- Is it too quick? The last revision took its time more.
- Is the sentence structures too awkward? That was one complaint one of my classmates had when I Google Doc'd it to several of them.
Drummer Boy
Not sure if this is entirely appropriate.
one line later
I held back the temptation to glare at Dad as he came forward. “Hello, I’m Mr. Richardson.”
>.>
This makes no sense at all.
Another parent that's always away on business trips?
The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
That was better than I thought.
- Well, how else should I convey that his voice is "soft and a little on the high side", with a slightly snarky tone.
- That's my fault. Editing on document.
- Bryan and his dad were agruing about something.
- This is something I had been struggling with. I want him in the first scene, but having him divorced wouldn't make much sense, because then Bryan's mom would be the one picking Finn up, which doesn't set things up as great. Again, this could be a source of bitterness...All I need is an excuse to keep Bryan's dad in the shadows, so his would cast upon Bryan.
Now, did you think I presented it too quickly, or is the pace okay?
edited 18th Nov '11 6:34:02 PM by chihuahua0
Drummer Boy
I'm not a huge simile person, so I can't help you with that one.
This just tells me... nothing. I have no idea what you're trying to convey.
I can't judge pace with such a short selection.
edited 18th Nov '11 6:37:43 PM by SnowyFoxes
The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
Well, Bryan is the one to use unusual metaphors.
What I was trying to convey in that sentence is that Bryan and his father were arguing until Finn arrived. Would the word "arguing" make it clearer. If not, how do you think I should word it without using too many words?
I'm just afraid too much would be happening in the first 260 so words. I'm not sure if I'm taking it to too much of an extreme, tightening the prose like that.
Drummer Boy
I guess you just worded that funny. Having his father refuse to meet his eyes should work fine.
The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
Mr. Shoggoth
-baleeted-
edited 20th Nov '11 12:20:36 AM by JoaquinDawley
"...oh darn."
I need someone neutral to look over the rest of my script for at least the first chapter of Remus. As I've been putting it together, I've realized that it isn't working out the way I thought it would and that I'm having to edit left and right to make it presentable. Would anyone mind helping me out?
And now here's a thing I wrote.
- Scanning… done. 0 alerts.*
The computer whirred quietly. It was dark; the human crew would all be asleep at this hour. The ship was being run entirely by its control computer.
- Scanning… done. 0 alerts.*
It flicked through the camera displays, showing it each room in the half-mile long general service vessel. All of them dark, devoid of activity.
Boring.
- Scanning… done. 0 alerts.*
It pored through its memory banks, reviewing each conversation it had had with the crew that day. It knew everything that was happening on the vessel, nothing escaped its surveillance. It could read body temperature, pupillary dilation, even determine whether someone was lying by analyzing the sound of their voice. It needed to; crew morale was just as important as fuel or oxygen levels, and the job of the ship’s computer was to manage every part of its vessel’s function so as to ensure the success of its mission and the safety of its crew.
Humans were interesting to the computer; they moved around, talked, and interacted with their environment and each other in complex ways. They were fun to watch, even more interesting than flying the ship or surveying new planets. It was a pity they had to switch themselves off for eight hours every twenty-four hour cycle.
- Scanning… done. 0 alerts.*
It sighed, noiselessly, and scanned through the ship’s media library for something it hadn’t already watched. It settled upon re-watching an episode of a television show from the Earth’s nineteenth century, about a robotic car and its human rider, who would drive around fighting crime.
- Scanning… done. 1 alert.*
The computer immediately swiveled its attention around to its sensor inputs. The ship had been kicked out of warp by a counter-warp field generator. A guided missile was homing in on the vessel.
It hit.
The computer slammed the internal bulkheads shut, sealing off the damaged areas to protect the vessel’s air supply. It sounded the ship’s internal alarm and raised the ship’s shields.
An electromagnetic pulse penetrated the shields and caused them to crackle and finally shut down. It passed through the ship’s armor and swept through the ship’s starboard control systems. The computer scrambled to regain navigational control via the ship’s auxiliary maneuvering thrusters.
The humans on board sat solemnly in their quarters. There was nothing they could do but rely on the computer to save them.
The computer searched for the enemy vessel, looking for a heat signature against the empty vacuum of space. It saw the ship; a pirate vessel built from scraps and stolen equipment. The computer aimed its ship’s weapon batteries at the pirate ship, but another EMP swept across them, knocking them offline.
The pirate vessel moved closer, knowing that its prey was now helpless. The computer began to panic. It knew that, if the pirates were allowed onto the ship, they would murder any crew they could not kidnap and sell into slavery.
It reached a decision.
“All hands; this is the ship’s computer. This vessel will self-destruct in ten… nine… eight… seven… six…”
The enemy came closer, oblivious.
“Five… four…”
Four sharp hooks connected to long cords shot into the hull.
“Three… two…”
Winches on the pirate vessel pulled the two ships closer to each other.
“One…”
- BOOM*
edited 21st Nov '11 11:47:18 AM by Schilcote
Drummer Boy
Now that the TvTropesWritingContest is over, I'd like to polish up my entry since I've taken a liking to it.
edited 21st Nov '11 12:05:26 PM by SnowyFoxes
The last battle's curtains will open on stage!
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
I'm not really sure what you're asking for. Just general script reading and random comments? Something more specific?
Well, two things stood out. The computer is very, very human-like, and the physics are very, very wrong. You obviously weren't aiming for realism, but I'm not sure what you were aiming. One on hand, it's very cartoonish and I found it impossible to take it seriously. On the other hand, it doesn't look like it was supposed to be funny. And it's a very small piece, so that I don't have enough time to even try to start caring about what happens to the ship.
Yeah - just take a look at it and tell me what could be improved.
Well, if you don't mind the quality of the criticism possibly being shit (since this is a comic script and all) I'll do it.
edited 22nd Nov '11 12:51:08 PM by Dealan
HIGH IMPACT SEXUAL VIOLENCE
I've read your work, Snowy Fox.
I like the prose. Very matter of factly, with bits of bitter anger in a lot of the narrator's commentary. I like the profanity that slips out of him occasionally, even when he has to be assisted with his communication.
My favorite line is either "3. 2067 is a hottie." or "Her face is somewhere between shy and coy, with pink cheeks. ... What the hell?" as far as the small bits of humor goes. And as for the dramatic/ emotional lines, my favorite is "she thinks I'm crying because I'm happy. I'm crying because I'm looking at an abyss." Also, nice touch on him using words he's not familiar with. It gives me a good idea of the world he lives in.
If I have but one problem with the work, it'd have to be how much it jumps around. There's nothing here that stays that long in any given setting. He seems to only spend a fraction of time in the colony than he does in the lab, so there's not that much emotional weight.
Good job.
I'd like a few critiques on what I have written so far. I'll be posting further excerpts in time.
edited 28th Nov '11 11:30:42 AM by Schitzo
ALL CREATURE WILL DIE AND ALL THE THINGS WILL BE BROKEN. THAT'S THE LAW OF SAMURAI.
I changed accounts.
It's... somewhat incoherent. I can't tell if Ash is supposed to be a wimpy kid or what. It's interesting, though. I'd be willing to read it again, post-revision.
Edit: Nevermind.
edited 11th Dec '11 4:04:18 PM by USAF713
I am now known as Flyboy.
HIGH IMPACT SEXUAL VIOLENCE
Yeah. On second thought the prose isn't that great. I only wrote it in that fashion because the entire series I've been planning has no main character and follows multiple view points. I should suck it up and do standard novel prose and not some wannabe graphic novel script.
Ash should be a wimp, but he has something of a dark side. Or at least, he has one hell of a bad temper. History with these kinds of people have fueled a fire in him.
ALL CREATURE WILL DIE AND ALL THE THINGS WILL BE BROKEN. THAT'S THE LAW OF SAMURAI.
The Somnambulist
Hey as I stated in another thread I live for feedback so this thread was a godsend. I already have most of my current finished writing up somewhere or other so I will merely link to them instead of posting them here... unless that is preferred?
The story I would currently like reviewed is here: http://invallar-lord.deviantart.com/gallery/25694571#/d2se08n
There are other stories there but they're being rewritten so...
I'm not crazy I just use a different definition of insanity~Me as far as I know
Obsidian Proboscidean
It got buried. Here it is again.
I only need help with the first two or three chapters. (but if you want to critique the rest, that's fine; I only asked for help with the first chapters because they're shorter)
Things I want to ask about:
- Characterization (maybe)
- Is it funny.
- Does it hook you? If not, what could I add to give it a hook?
- Does the dialogue flow properly.
edited 8th Dec '11 10:11:15 PM by BlackElephant
I'm an elephant. Rurr.
Joining the Team.doc
How do you guys feel about this?
One of my more straightforward examples.
Teens dress as Batman to catch pedophiles; cops not impressed
Man, this is a real pain. Is there any way to prevent from getting buried in this thread?
read
Give a little to get a little, I assume.
oddly
Yeah, taking the time to critique someone else usually helps. Original fiction also helps. There are many fanfics in this page, but due to their limited audiences fanfics tend to be ignored here.
Joining the Team.doc
I don't think it would really help in my case. "Girl becomes evil and kills everyone" stories seem to have a pretty niche reader base.
Teens dress as Batman to catch pedophiles; cops not impressed
HIGH IMPACT SEXUAL VIOLENCE
Jay
I quite like the story so far, not that I know what's going on quite yet. I probably need to give this a second reading. All I can see are some grammar mistakes here and there, odd sentence structure, and lack of flow but as soon as I give this a second reading, I'll let you know what should be done with it. Ask me what you want feedback on, as I'm not sure what to say about it.
edited 13th Dec '11 5:37:13 PM by Schitzo
ALL CREATURE WILL DIE AND ALL THE THINGS WILL BE BROKEN. THAT'S THE LAW OF SAMURAI.
Also, I recently posted a disturbing Cow and Chicken fanfic called Momma Had a Chicken
. Here's a preview to get people interested:
It was late at night, and Mom was reading a book in the living room. She was getting tired, and was about to finish reading and go to bed. That all changed, however, when Chicken walked into the living room and came up to her. She glanced up from her book and noticed Chicken staring at her with a questioning look in his eyes.
"What's wrong, honey? What are you doing out of bed so late?" she asked her orange-beaked son.
"I couldn't sleep Mom," sighed Chicken. "Something's been on my mind all day and I just can't stop thinking about it."
Mom sat her book down on the arm of her chair and turned to face Chicken.
"What's going on, Chicken? What's been keeping your mind preoccupied all day?"
Chicken started to blush through his feathers. "Well . . . in school today, the teacher told us where babies come from."
Mom picked up her book again and tried to hide her face with it.
"Chicken," she said, "this is really the kind of discussion you should be having with your father."
"I know, but there's just something I don't get and I think you might be able to clear things up."
"Well, what is it?"
"I just doesn't make sense, Mom. I mean, if a kid is supposed to be a mix of both his parents, then why am I a chicken when you and Dad are both humans?"
Mom had been dreading this day ever since Chicken was born. She tried to ignore that dread, but deep down in her heart she knew that one day Chicken would learn about the birds and the bees and would ask her how he could possibly be a chicken. When that happened, she would have no choice but to tell him the story of how he was conceived and who his real father is.
"Take a seat, Chicken," she said softly.
Chicken did what he was told and sat in the seat next to hers.
"Okay Chicken, before we go any further you have to promise me you will never repeat I'm about to tell you to anyone. Especially not your father."
Chicken shrugged. "Sure, mom. Whatever."
"I MEAN IT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Mom yelled. "IF YOU TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS I WILL RING YOUR FUCKING THROAT AND BOIL YOU INTO SOUP FOR TOMORROWS DINNER!"
"Okay, okay Mom, I get it!" Chicken assured her.
Mom cleared her throat.
"It all started ten years ago . . ."
edited 13th Nov '11 7:33:17 PM by Patworx