- Ephebophilia is totally acceptable provided the person in question isn't a virgin.
- Blackmailing one's boss will not have legal repercussions; do it.
- Masturbating in bed next to one's spouse will not have marital repercussions; do it.
- For that matter, neither will blowing half the family's yearly income on a car one wants without consulting one's spouse. In fact, this is actually quite a turn on.
- Drug dealers make great boyfriends.
- Only men deserve sexual gratification. Women should be made to feel ashamed for seeking it out.
- All homophobes are really closet homosexuals who need a hug.
- If a homosexual person comes on to you, don't turn them away, however gently: they will turn homicidal.
- Buying a car is an expression of independence and individuality. Buying a couch is shallow and materialistic.
- Leaving your mentally ill mother to fend for herself is A-OK if you're doing it for love.
- If someone is continually seen to be videotaping you, they're probably an interesting, sensitive soul.
- Showing a girl a video of a plastic bag blowing in the wind is a fast track to getting laid.
- Being a devoted and loyal father, husband and breadwinner for decades will only lead to your being made the target of your family's neglect and disdain. So don't bother.
- However, if you try to stand up for yourself and have a little fun, you'll get shot. So don't bother with that, either.
- Everyone who smokes marijuana and listens to Pink Floyd is an Erudite Stoner who has life figured out better than you do, even if they're a teenager.
- Inane self help tapes and meaningless mantras drive you to kill.
- Quitting your well-paid job and becoming a fast food cashier while supporting a family is okay if you're doing it to stick it to the man.
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