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This is a "Wild Mass Guess" entry, where we pull out all the sanity stops on theorizing. The regular entry on this topic is elsewhere. Please see this programme note.
John Dies at the End
John is Cracked.
""One more victim, sucked in by John. You get in a room with him and you just fall into a warm pool of beer and video games and penis jokes, staring out at the universe with him and saying, "Do you believe this shit?" I rest my case. Some extension could be made that David Wong is David Wong, and that the whole book is a gamer-style vendetta against Korrok, a caricature of the Cracked fanbase.
The spider Robert North gave Monster Dave was Dave's soul.
That's why we don't see a ghost of Dave.
  • And why Sleeper (Agent) Dave didn't turn into Monster Dave when he woke up? Interesting.
The spider Robert North gave Monster Dave removed Korrok's ability to alter his cells.
When Korrok spoke of things such as being able to, for instance, turn him into a child molester, it was bluffing. This is a good explanation for why Korrok didn't rewrite Dave to bring things back under control as soon as Shit Narnia started to hit the fan.
The spider Robert North gave Monster Dave is one of the "spiders" from Book 2 that just hasn't activated yet.
Molly turned into Fred Durst to drive Dave and John home
Durst even says "...I've been dogging you this whole time."
  • Yeah, I was wondering why Dave didn't catch on at that point. Probably because his more observant half was sitting in the truck bed.
  • This could also be why Molly wanted John to shave half of her fur off. She wanted to "look like two different dogs when she's coming and going." The dog she looked like going was Fred Durst.
Molly is an angel.
Or something similar.
John DID die at the end... sort of.
He contracted a case of the "bloodworms" or whatever in the other universe they found on the basketball court. The air in the normal timeline is wrong for the things to propagate past him, but they'll still inevitably cause his death.
Alternatively, John will die at the End.
The End just hasn't come yet.
Korrok is 4chan.
Rather obvious, frankly.
JDATE is one of the multiverses mentioned in Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
John is this universe's version of Kamina. Likewise, Dave is Simon, Amy is Nia, Molly is Boota, and the Shadow Men are Anti-Spirals. Korrok and company are equivalent to the Beastmen, or perhaps Spiral Races who don't give a damn about the Spiral Nemesis and are charging recklessly ahead to exploit the power of life (explicitly called out as the greatest in the universe, not unlike Spiral Power).
  • The Shadow Men and Korrok are explicitly working together, however.
John DOES die at the end...
Because at the very end of their adventures, he time travels back to the beginning of the book and goes into that police interrogation room, and then dies, while the REAL John who belongs to that time survives until he will inevitably go back etc.
John is insane
John has horrible hallucinations, both audio and visual that force him into beliving that he is fighting demons, that are not actually there. In this theory, John and Amy do not exist, they are illusioned people that John has created because his crippling co-dependancy has driven him to create anyone else that might be his best friends. His insanity is slightly managable and does allow him to hold down a job, but whenever he gets bored, or lonely, he begins to invent these odd situations and adventures.
  • Erm, I think half the mentions of John in the above WMG are meant to be Dave.
Alternatively, pretty much everything is a Soy Sauce hallucination.
Considering Dave has zero evidence beyond a skeleton and the Soy Sauce container (both of which are only seen by a man who doesn't physically exist), it's probable John and Dave are a severe case of Unreliable Narrators because they use Soy Sauce.
Undisclosed is Chester, IL
The title is accurate.
The portal at the very end of the novel was a trap. John stepped in and got knifed by his evil clone, who then took his place.
Molly/Fred Durst is Todd
  • That gives this troper chills. The whole Todd thing bothers this troper on some deep level.
John Does Die At The End...
Of the original story as it existed when it was originally posted online. It ended not long after John dies at the police station. The title was just too damn good to change.
Just to continue the theme . . .
The next book will have no mention of spiders anywhere. Jossed
Korrok doesn't originate in Shit Narnia at all.
The giant pillar of flesh isn't Korrok at all, but rather an avatar of a multidimensional being. The "computer" is just a housing, a puppet for the jerkass god to inhabit and dick people around with. The real origin of Korrok remains unknown.
  • Maybe it's an unwitting avatar of the actual yellow-eyed thing.
  • He does mention how John and Dave's world is on the verge of creating him already (hinting that computers are building up to a mechanical version of him). He exists outside the universe and people keep making avatars for him to come through and take over. That's how I interpreted it anyway.
Korrok still exists, in a diminished or distant capacity.
It has bodies in other dimensions, and those bodies include what passes for its brains. If Korrok could take over nearly half of the worlds in an effectively infinite universe, there would probably need to be a fraction of half of an effectively infinite number of Korroks (which, trust me, makes sense for several different values of ifinite and effectively-but-not-actually infinite).
Korrok is literally a 13-year-old XBOX Live player.
The current version of the universe that John and Dave inhabit has realistic and exaggerated war-game simulations that people can "play" simply by buying an electronic box and some media discs. This system may have developed some form of internet-based interactivity system in a later rewrite of the universe, creating a culture of nigh-sociopathic pseudonymous children with varying grades of megalomania from which a member was flung back in spirit to the early 20th century where he (or she or it) inhabited a rudimentary biological Artificial Intelligence. This would help explain why Korrok not only uses "local" slang and epithets when overshadowing or talking directly to teens from John's and Dave's world, but also in what seems to be its daily life.
Molly/Fred is also Robert North
. . . or at least they're co-workers, since both were strange beings trying to save people.
John did die at the police station, just not that John.
John dies at the station, but the John at the station is actually a Korrok clone; Clone!John's weird behavior, seeing monsters, catatonic state and death are because he is a Korrok clone that functions incorrectly due to the Soy Sauce and/or because it didn't transport properly (akin to the fat/mannequin theory on the Headscratchers page). The reason John's corpse and an ambulance disappear is to dispose of the monster corpse, and the phone call scene where John inexplicably phones Dave while sitting across from him is not from Future!John, just the normal version of him.
  • Inversion: The above is true, but Real!John dies in the station as a result of a full dose of Soy Sauce (Dave pierces his leg with the needle and a little gets in his system, hence how he survives). Clone!John is unaware he is a Korrok clone, and the reason dead John and his ambulance disappear is to prevent Dave realizing there is more than one of John.
In the JDATE universe all of the Cracked collumists are somehow wrapped up in the assorted occult gibberish.
Because the mental image of Seanbaby karate kicking some kind of horrible thing that should not be in the crotch is just too perfect to not exist.
The answer to the axe-riddle is...
No, the reanimated twitchy guy wasn't right. At least, not the movie version of him anyway. When he sees Dave brandishing the axe, he says "That's the axe that slayed me." Dave did not slay him with the axe. He slayed him by shooting him eight times and then only used to axe to behead him afterwards to avoid him coming back to life. Course that's all dependent on him having been dead at the time of decapitation. At least we hope he was, it took several hacks to get that thing off.
  • It could work. The riddle poses as a philosophical question of material contra symbolical values, but trying to sort out the question of if Dave's axe is the same axe even when all its parts have been changed only distracts from the practical details of how to re-deanimate a vengeful zombie effectively - according to Dave the "awful secret of the universe" is that killing monsters just to keep yourself alive is necessarily going to take priority over figuring stuff out. Here I thought the riddle was Dave trying to figure out if being Monster Dave stops him from being Dave.
The Shadow Men have changed this book.
I distinctly remember reading a section towards the end dealing with the difference between gods and lesser beings (specifically Korrok and his views). It was a detailed summary of the Nightmare Fuel of how a chilli pepper evolved fiery acids to deter animals from eating them and yet people eat them purely because of that reason. When I read this book again that section was nowhere to be found. It's been changed.
John is a ghost.
He dies at the police station, right. And it's never made clear exactly how he comes back. We assume he's abusing the time looseness side effects of the Sauce to retroactively engineer his resurrection, but there has to be a specific point in time where he goes from being dead to not being dead and being captured by Shitload, and when and why does that happen? How about when Dave starts receiving John's time-displaced calls and conjures an image of him that's brought to life by the Soy Sauce, as it usually does? They might suspect, but be terrified of thinking it and making John vanish, which would explain why it never comes up in the story.
Jeeves and WoosterWMG/LiteratureThe Kane Chronicles

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