Retardo and the Iron Golem is a flash Point-and-Click Game by Pencilkids. It tells the story of eponymous Retardo, sent by the king of Moronia, on a mission to destroy the dreaded Iron Golem, who's been threatening the kingdom of Moronia. And get to marry the beautiful princess of Moronia as a reward.
The problem is that Retardo is an utter and complete retard.
He will need a guardian angel to help him through the mission. That's where you come in.
Help retardo to defeat the dreaded Iron Golem and get the hand of the beautiful princess of Moronia as this is his only chance to get some ... if you know what we mean. To play some poker, to dip the old paintbrush in the bucket, to visit the bush garden, to plug an outlet into the electrical socket, to mow the lawn, to take a choo-choo through a tunnel...
Yabrlff-bleh-b-bleh-blah:
- Anachronism Stew: Despite the setting being mostly medieval there are quite enough machines too advanced for that age. Most are implied to use electricity which is really far ahead of that era.
- Broken Record: When Retardo is on the move, he's repeating his gibberish one-liner ad infinitum.Yabrlff-bleh-b-bleh-blah yabrlff-bleh-b-bleh-blah yabrlff-bleh-b-bleh-blah...
- Idiot Hero: The protagonist of this game is so stupid that the best he can do is to deliberately get the attention of enemy guards who swiftly deal with him. And that's not the dumbest thing he's capable of.
- Meaningful Name: Retardo really lives up to his name, sparing no opportunity to get himself killed in the dumbest way possible.
- Minecart Madness: Three stages involve Retardo riding a freegoing mine cart into the Golem's castle. Due to the necessity to act quickly to remove all obstacles from the cart's path, the latter two border on Quick Time Event.
- Out-of-Character Moment: See Smart Ball entry below.
- Record Needle Scratch: The ending animation's music is abruptly cut off by one to emphasize how the sight of "beautiful" princess of Moronia made Retardo come to his senses.
- Sexual Euphemism: The opening narration states that the motivation for Retardo to partake on the mission is his only chance to get some ... if you know what they mean. To play some poker, to dip the old paintbrush in the bucket, to visit the bush garden, to plug an outlet into the electrical socket, to mow the lawn, to take a choo-choo through a tunnel...
- Smart Ball: Retardo is dumb enough to run face first into a spiked door but still prefers climbing a tree to pass over an abyss before jumping straight into it after you make the bridge collapse.
- He also doesn't lose his cool before the massive Iron Golem, but one glimpse of the "beautiful" princess of Moronia is enough to strike him with a sudden flash of sanity as he does a u-turn and makes a run for it.
- Speaking Simlish: All speach in the game is conveyed by unintelligible gibberish, both written and voiced. It may be justified in Retardo's case as he may be too dumb to even speak properly, but the enemy guards also speak in a similar manner.
- Averted with the Iron Golem, who is properly voiced.
- The Guards Must Be Crazy: Most of the time, the guards respond properly to Retardo's shenanigans, but at some times they don't fare much better than him:
- The guard at the grinder just shrughs off the open door on the machine as nothing to be worried about. Then you close the door, shoving him into the machine in the process. Ludicrous Gibs ensue.
- The elevator guard just stands at the bottom of the shaft and when the platform descends down on him, all he can do is cover himself as the platform squishes him into mush.
- When the catapult guard finds that the ball is stuck to the catapult, instead of disposing of Retardo by some simplier means, he hops on the catapult and tries to tear the ball off.
- The Reveal: At the end of the game, it is revealed that the "beautiful" princess of Moronia is a real gonk.
- Timed Mission: The latter two mine cart ride stages require you to quickly clear the path for the already rolling cart. The first one doesn't count as you have the luxury to clear the path before actually releasing the cart.
- Too Dumb to Live: Retardo often deliberately attracts the attention of enemy guards, who swiftly dispose of him, but the most prominent example is impaling himself on a stalactite just by mindlessly jumping out of a mining cart.
- Undignified Death: Retardo getting impaled on a stalactite by his own stupidity, Retardo mindlessly running into a spiked door, Retardo standing in one spot waiting for a guard to maul him, a guard walking face first into a spear, a guard tripping on a fallen cup, plummeting down a flight of stairs and impaling himself on a spiked door, a guard being launched by a catapult and splatteret on a castle wall... This game is just full of it.
- Oooh-ee-yorick-ah!
