History UsefulNotes / Abuse

* ''Why does he do that?'' by Lundy Bancroft

* [[http://www.culthelp.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=category&sectionid=2&id=2&Itemid=6 Psychological issues in cults]]

* "Everyone should just forgive and forget." One way abusers dodge responsibility is by ''appearing'' conciliatory. Psychopathic abusers especially are notoriously slick at escaping accountability in any way possible. For "forgive and forget" to even ''be'' a healthy decision, people (not just an abused person) need to keep responsibility on an abuser without letting them off the hook. The abuse has to ''actually be over''. An abuser has to actually be of mind to become a better person. That, however, is unlikely. Abuse can't be just in the calm parts of an ongoing cycle of abuse or continuing covertly with an abuser pretending to have changed. Such often happens after public "amends" have been made. Stopping abuse can't be just lip service. An abuser has to be held responsible for stopping abusive conduct and improving his own behavior. Even if any of this is possible or likely, a victim of abuse can justifiably be uncomfortable around abusers, even former and repentant ones. "Forgive and forget" is a dangerous and harmful platitude. An unlucky party who has experienced abuse has a right to continue their life without any obligation to "forgive and forget" and any interference from an abuser.

[[AbuseTropes Many tropes involve interpersonal abuse of some sort]], from AbusiveParents to FetishizedAbuser to DomesticAbuse to FinancialAbuse to many of the SexualHarassmentAndRapeTropes. What, though, is abuse in RealLife? How is it recognized as such, and how does it differ from healthy (or even unhealthy but non-abusive) interpersonal interactions? While providing an entirely exhaustive treatment of abuse has both been done elsewhere and is beyond the purview of Wiki/TVTropes, this article provides a short summary defining abuse itself, the most common types of abuse and warning signs of abuse. It exists to dispel some common myths (found in tropes or otherwise) about various types of abuse.

[[AbuseTropes Many tropes involve interpersonal abuse of some sort]], from AbusiveParents to BastardBoyfriend to DomesticAbuse to FinancialAbuse to many of the SexualHarassmentAndRapeTropes. What, though, is abuse in RealLife? How is it recognized as such, and how does it differ from healthy (or even unhealthy but non-abusive) interpersonal interactions? While providing an entirely exhaustive treatment of abuse has both been done elsewhere and is beyond the purview of Wiki/TVTropes, this article provides a short summary defining abuse itself, the most common types of abuse and warning signs of abuse. It exists to dispel some common myths (found in tropes or otherwise) about various types of abuse.

* "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." ''This'' platitude. While the basic idea behind it (not abandoning people on their bad days) is valid, that is never the application. If you are regularly at your "worst" and are a consistently out-of-control toxic mess of a human being, and your go-to is to blame other people for not being able to handle you at your worst, you deserve to be alone until you can figure out that you are the problem here.

* anger or despondency at [[RantInducingSlight seemingly small slights]] compared to what their larger problem is (for example, flying into an uncharacteristic rage at someone criticizing their beliefs/partner, crying and worrying over losing a seemingly minor belonging or being caught [[FelonyMisdemeanor doing something relatively harmless or even normal]] in fear of the emotional abuse they will later get if they ''don't'' defend/for what they've done)

Additionally, abusive women can be especially skilled at emotional abuse, using their perceived vulnerabilities as TheFairerSex to allow them to scream insults and threats at their male partner while society simply reads them as 'standing up for herself' - or even telling their partner that if they defend themselves or file a report, they will be arrested as well. Abusive women have been reported to self-harm on occasion to make it appear as if their partner is the one hurting them.

* "Everyone should just forgive and forget." One way abusers dodge responsibility is by ''appearing'' conciliatory. Psychopathic abusers especially are notoriously slick at escaping accountability in any way possible. For "forgive and forget" to even ''be'' a healthy decision, people (not just an abused person) need to keep responsibility on an abuser without letting him/her off the hook. The abuse has to ''actually be over''. An abuser has to actually be of mind to become a better person. That, however, is unlikely. Abuse can't be just in the calm parts of an ongoing cycle of abuse or continuing covertly with an abuser pretending to have changed. Such often happens after public "amends" have been made. Stopping abuse can't be just lip service. An abuser has to be held responsible for stopping abusive conduct and improving his own behavior. Even if any of this is possible or likely, a victim of abuse can justifiably be uncomfortable around abusers, even former and repentant ones. "Forgive and forget" is a dangerous and harmful platitude. An unlucky party who has experienced abuse has a right to continue his/her life without any obligation to "forgive and forget" and any interference from an abuser.

*** Not repeating oneself. Again, although the book doesn't go into detail, repeating a question is a pedagogical technique teachers use when a young child gives a wrong answer. Therefore, repeating a question may signal to a child that his/her answer is wrong and needs to be changed.
*** Not reacting to what the child is telling you. Once again, although the book doesn't go into detail, if the child sees that his/her answers are upsetting you, s/he may change his/her answers to make you feel better, or because your reaction is scaring him/her.

* "They were never like that with me." A common and frustrating reply to people who have been victimized by someone abusive or predatory, this implies that maybe it was just the victim's perceptions, if not an outright lie. This is because offenders like this are typically opportunistic - they won't go after their friends and allies because they aren't easy targets, and also because they want people who will have their back if someone ever outs them. More than anything else, this is how the concept of the "missing stair" (a known problematic individual in a social group who people are warned about in private, but who is never publicly outed or confronted) perpetuates; people may know of someone's predatory proclivities, but do not publicly state them because they are aware that the person simply has too many people who will go up to bat for them and cast the outing individual's credibility and the veracity of the accusations into doubt. It's simply easier to just warn people individually and then [[UsefulNotes/VictimBlaming place some responsibility on them for not heeding the warning]] ("I ''told'' her to never be alone with him while she was drunk"; "I ''told'' him to never give her his number"), than it is to publicly out someone and risk earning the ire of the rest of the group for "causing drama" and being ostracized or forced out.

Abuse is an individual act of harm and/or a pattern of harmful acts with some sort of perceived interpersonal connection between individuals. If no interpersonal connection exists, the harmful or criminal act is not, technically, abuse. For example, if a stranger punches you in a BarBrawl, it is definitely an assault and a crime, but it is not abuse, because no interpersonal relationship or ongoing contact exists. (Note "perceived" there: as noted later, some forms of abuse only require the abuser to ''perceive'' interpersonal connection where there is none)

Abuse is as traumatizing of an experience as it is because of perceived interpersonal relationship aspect and ongoing contact. Again using the BarBrawl example, while you may be traumatized and injured from being punched, you can be fairly sure you won't be punched again at least for a while. In an ongoing situation of DomesticAbuse, on the other hand, you can never be sure it won't happen again. Reassurances that it won't reoccur are often worthless. In the case of a stalker or someone wanting to commit a hate crime, you cannot convince them that you are not or what you are is not somehow connected to their life, which leaves you a target for ongoing abuse.

* "Things will be different in the future." Abuse is a set pattern that is incredibly hard to change. It can only change with major work and willing on ''the abuser'''s behalf. Some situations could resolve with abuse ending (e.g. if the abuse is precipitated by substance use or by UsefulNotes/{{trigger}}s or the abuser having been abused and the abuser recognizes this AND gets treatment for it rather than blames the victim), but these situations are ''rare''. Not only are they very rare, they are also the result of the abuser being truly reflective and repentant as opposed to the victim trying to appease the abuser, or the abuser faking an epiphany to reel the victim back in.