"I give you the inaugural class of the Umbrella Academy."
"Well, [Dad] hated children, too, and he had plenty of us."
— Klaus
"We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals" is the first episode of The Umbrella Academy's first season.
In 1989, 43 women around the world spontaneously give birth. Eccentric billionaire Reginald Hargreeves manages to adopt seven, intending to turn them into a team of superpowered individuals who save the world.
Years later, the now-grown children reunite following Hargreeves's death by heart failure. While Luther (Number One) is convinced that there is more to their father's death, the rest of his siblings have decidedly mixed feelings. Before they can hash it out further, their long-lost brother Number Five arrives through a portal from the future. After fending off an attack from mysterious individuals at a doughnut shop, Five winds up at Vanya (Number Seven)'s, and tells her that the world is ending in eight days.
Tropes for this episode include:
- Ashes to Crashes: Klaus accidentally knocks over the urn with his father's ashes which spill all over the table.
- Bait-and-Switch: Vanya is introduced playing her violin to a dark theater, giving the impression that she's presenting to someone in a recital, but when the lights turn on, she's actually all alone and playing to no one. This is especially true for people who read the comics, as the Apocalypse Suite Arc starts with Vanya presenting to a dark theater, where it turns out that Die Verdament and his orchestra are watching her presentation.
- Celebrities Hang Out in Heaven: When Klaus is asked to contact Hargreaves, he says that he can't interrupt dad playing tennis with Hitler.
- Chekhov M.I.A.: We learn that Number Five disappeared sixteen years ago and yet Reginald Hargreeves still believed that he was alive. Five returns this episode.
- Dance of Despair: The Hargreaves siblings all break into dance as their way of coping with having to reunite for their father's funeral.
- Empathic Environment: It starts raining when Vanya watches the Coincidental Broadcast about her father's death.
- Epileptic Flashing Lights: The headlights at the diner flicker menacingly during and after the fight scene.
- Express Delivery: The Bizarre Baby Boom that resulted in the births of the main cast featured women around the world getting pregnant and giving birth in one single day.
- Establishing Character Moment:
- The various siblings are briefly introduced through a montage set to rock-violin covers of The Phantom of the Opera songs.
- Outside of the montage, after dropping into the present, Five is next seen zipping around the kitchen mouthing technobabble to his siblings.Luther: I haven't missed that.
- Gory Discretion Shot: When Ben does his thing with the bank robbers, all we see is blood splattered against the glass walls of the room.
- Groin Attack: During the attack at the diner, Number Five stabs a soldier in the groin with a pencil.
- If It Bleeds, It Leads: When things escalate at the site of the bank robbery, the reporter outside is thrilled to inform his audience that they will stay on location to not miss anything.
- It Always Rains at Funerals: It rains when they scatter the ashes of Reginald Hargreeves in the courtyard.
- Limited Wardrobe: When Five opens his wardrobe, it's filled with nine similar school uniforms.
- Ludicrous Precision: Pogo notes that it has been sixteen years, four months, and fourteen days since Five disappeared. Justified as Reginald Hargreeves insisted on him keeping track of the time.
- Mook Horror Show: Five killing the mooks at the diner in a gruesome fashion, including an eye pierced with a pencil and a snapped neck.
- Mystical Pregnancy: Crossed with Bizarre Baby Boom. Forty-three women mysteriously get pregnant and give birth in the span of one day, resulting in superpowered children.
- Newspaper Backstory: At the academy, Vanya looks over framed news articles which give us an idea about the fame that the kid heroes had when they still operated.
- Newspaper Dating: When Five gets stranded in the Bad Future, he picks up a newspaper to confirm the date of the apocalypse. It's eight days from the current timeline.
- The Only One I Trust: Five tells Vanya that he considers her this regarding the apocalypse, because she's ordinary and will listen to him.
- Parasol of Prettiness: At the funeral, Klaus carries an umbrella with a pink rim.
- Pre-Asskicking One-Liner: Number Five delivers one immediately before the coffee-shop fight. One of the assassins sent after Five tells him to come quietly, saying that he doesn't want to go home with the murder of a child on his conscience. Five, completely unbothered, calmly replies that he doesn't have to worry about that because he won't be going home at all.Hired Gun: You think I want to shoot a kid? Go home with that on my conscience?Number Five: Well, I wouldn't worry about that... you won't be going home.
- Screaming Birth: In the prologue, one of the mothers screams a good deal while giving birth.
- Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Five travels back to 2019 because he wants to prevent the apocalypse.
- Soundtrack Dissonance: The violent action sequences are set to upbeat, peppy songs— the bank robbery to Fitz and the Tantrums's "The Walker", and the doughnut shop to "Istanbul not Constantinople" by They Might Be Giants.
- Speak Ill of the Dead: At his own funeral, his adopted children openly spoke badly of Sir Reginald during their "last respects". Klaus caps it off by stubbing his cigarette out in the ashes.
- Tracking Chip: Five discovered that he was tracked by the Commission via a chip under his skin, which he subsequently removes.
- Trespassing to Talk: Five breaks into Vanya's apartment to discuss the apocalypse.Five: You should have locks on your windows.
Vanya: I live on the second floor.
Five: Rapists can climb. - What the Hell, Hero?: The rest of his siblings call Luther out for thinking that one of them killed Reginald. He tries to tell them that it wasn't what he meant. Though apparently Diego was the one who stole Reginald's monocle.
