Mr. Brittas: And can I ask you all to keep an eye open for unauthorised use of the disabled facilities? Only last week I caught a perfectly healthy member of the over 60's aerobic club using the facilities illicitly. She was in no way disabled.
Julie: She is now.
Tim: You pushed her down the stairs.
— Julie Porter and Tim Whistler snarking about Gordon Brittas crippling an old lady.
- Date First Aired: 12/03/1996
It's another day at the centre and Brittas is continuing to teach the staff communication skills. Or, to be more specific, body language. He decides to do this through the "matching and mirroring" technique. As he teaches this, something crashes through the roof of the leisure centre. Colin is taken up to see what it is, which turns out to be a giant ice cube.
Meanwhile, Helen is gradually moving her stuff into the centre, taking two plants with her. Some prompting reveals that Helen accidentally sold her house to the US Air Force. Helen thus tries to hide this fact from Brittas, who's convinced that that Helen has brought over her cousins from Tennessee.
Meanwhile, Carole throws a birthday party for Ben in his cupboard. However, two of his friends escape. Colin, seeing them go down a corridor, combined with Gavin suffering from ocular hypertension, helps convince Colin that aliens have decided to take over the centre and that they came from the ice cube. Believing that the aliens have to take over him, Colin proceeds to go a bit cuckoo and decides to hang himself from a coat-hanger. Colin is able to convince Brittas of this fact.
Meanwhile, Helen is able to get the house back after Chuck is sent away due to a diplomatic incident. Talking it over with Carole, she reveals that the ice cube on top of the centre is actually the contents of a toilet tank, which had been accidentally released by Chuck. This reveal comes just as the cube fully melts during its trip into the basement and goes right over Gordon. Oh, and there were aliens after all, in the form of a plant bought in by Helen. It concludes that there's no intelligent life there and warp out in front of a shocked Colin.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Accidental Pervert: Gavin is accused of molesting a female customer when he pushes her into a pool, although in truth, he was having difficulty seeing and didn't know she was there.
- Alien Episode: The episode centres around Colin believing that aliens were invading the centre. The end of the episode reveals that whilst he was incorrect about an invasion, there was an alien at the centre that day in the form of a potted plant that Helen brought in.
- Alien Invasion: Colin thinks this is happening at the centre, Invasion of the Body Snatchers-style. It turns out to be just a series of coincidences - there was an alien at the centre that day, but it left soon after without having done anything, having become convinced that there was No Intelligent Life Here.
- Aliens in Cardiff: An Alien Invasion and it's been chosen to go to Whitbury. Colin suggests that it's because they want Brittas' leadership skills in particular, although this is disproven when it turns out that there's no invasion at all. That said, there was an alien there that day, although why they chose to go to Whitbury is unclear.
- Apophenia Plot: Colin is convinced that there are aliens in the centre due to a string of unrelated coincidences (namely a giant ice cube crashing into the centre, two of Ben's friends, who are wearing costumes, escaping from Ben's cupboard, Gavin suffering from ocular hypertension, and a poor choice of words from everyone).
- Birthday Episode: Carole throws Ben a birthday party in his cupboard. Played With in that it's actually not Ben's birthday that day, it's just the day that Carole has decided to throw the party.
- Blind Mistake: Gavin makes some errors due to his difficulties seeing and ends up pushing a woman into the pool.
- Boys Like Creepy Critters: Implied in the case of Ben, as the birthday party Carole throws for him is ugly bug-themed, with him going as a chrysalis.
- Chairman of the Brawl: When Colin thinks that Gavin has been processed by an alien, he takes one of Helen's chairs and threatens him out of the centre with it.
- Chekhov's Gunman: When Helen starts moving her stuff into the Leisure Centre, the item given the most focus is a houseplant that she bought at a market. This comes into play when it is revealed to be a plant-like alien.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Colin believes that aliens have taken over the centre, so he hangs himself on a coat hanger to protect himself.
- Gainax Ending: This episode has perhaps one of the strangest endings in the series when, after an entire episode of alien-related misunderstandings, a houseplant reveals itself as an actual alien and beams itself up in front of Colin.
- The Ghost:
- Mrs Boscombe, the woman who Brittas pushed down the stairs and apparently crippled.
- Chuck and Nancy, two people from the US Air Force who have come to take the Brittas family's house.
- Mirror Routine: Brittas' "Matching and Mirroring" technique, where he constantly replicates the movements of the other members of the staff, up to and including Colin hanging himself on a coat-hanger.
- Mistaken for Aliens:
- At one point, Colin glimpses two strange creatures going down the hallway, so he naturally thinks they're aliens. In truth, it's Sophie and Fergus, two of Ben's friends who are currently in costume for his birthday party.
- Colin is led to believe an object which resembles a giant block of ice is in fact an alien, taking over everyone and giving birth. In reality, it is nothing more than frozen excretion, which was mistakenly dropped by the US Air Force.
- Mondegreen Gag:
- Julie mishears Brittas' technique of "anchoring" as "hankering", causing Brittas to have to correct her.
- Brittas also mishears "exorcise" as "exercise" when Linda suggests it as a way to calm down Colin.
- No Intelligent Life Here: A houseplant that turns out to be an alien says this word-for-word in a subtitle before warping away.
- Non-Residential Residence: Helen is forced to move into the leisure centre after selling her house.
- Noodle Incident:
- As seen in the page quote, Brittas once accidentally pushed an elderly woman down the stairs, making her wheelchair-bound, after she used the disabled toilets.
- Brittas once had to close the pool for six months when it was found to be carrying rats with Weil's disease.
- No Sympathy: Brittas doesn't appear to be bothered at all by the fact that he accidentally led a woman into falling down the stairs and caused her to have to use a wheelchair, attempting to defend his actions before simply telling the staff that she's now able to use the disabled facilities if she ever returned to the centre with said wheelchair.
- A Planet Named Zok: Gavin sarcastically suggests that the ice cube may have come from Planet Zarg when Colin puts forward his theory that it may have come from outer space.
- Plant Aliens: The houseplant which Helen had bought in turns out to have been an intelligent alien all along.
- Real After All: Colin spends the duration of the episode believing that aliens not only exist but are about to invade the centre due to a series of misunderstandings. At the end of the episode, however, it is revealed that a plant brought in by Helen was actually an alien. It concludes that there is No Intelligent Life Here and warps out in front of a shocked Colin.
- Relatively Flimsy Excuse: Helen is able to convince Brittas that Chuck and Nancy are actually her cousins from Tennessee in a bid to not tell him that she accidentally sold the house.
- Right for the Wrong Reasons: Colin was actually correct when he believed that there were aliens in the centre, but it wasn't in the form of a giant ice cube like he thought it was, but rather a houseplant.
- Shout-Out:
- Colin thinks that the strange ice cube is invading like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
- The alien plant says in a subtitle "Beam Me Up" before warping out of the centre.
- Sick Episode: Gavin spends the episode suffering from a case of ocular hypertension, leading to disaster.
- Staircase Tumble: It's mentioned in a Noodle Incident that Brittas once crippled an elderly lady by accidentally pushing her down the stairs.
- Swallow the Key: Colin swallows the key when he hangs himself from a coathanger and locks himself in. Luckily, he has a gippy tummy at the time, allowing the key to pass through quickly.
- Themed Party: The theme for Ben's party is an "ugly bug ball", with the guests in costume as various insects that are not considered pleasant. Ben is going as a chrysalis (the costume having been made by Carole sewing him into a pillow case), whilst one of the guests is a woodlouse.
- Toilet Humour: The giant ice cube turns out to be frozen piss and other excrete, which ends up splashing all over Brittas.
- You Watch Too Much X: When Colin puts forward his idea to Gavin that the giant ice cube may have come from outer space, Gavin's response is that he believes that Colin is watching too many sci-fi movies.
- Working Through the Cold: Gavin tries to work through his case of ocular hypertension, much to the annoyance and concern of Tim. It doesn't end well for him - he ends up pushing someone into the pool.
