Airdate: Monday, January 30, 2006
Sender: Jay, Oswego NY
Strong Bad: (singing) Don't you wanna email, don't you need a email, don't you turn your life around!
Jay from "Os-we-go to New York" is a middle school technology teacher, and would really appreciate it if Strong Bad could help come up with an introduction to use for his new classes.
Strong Bad: You would "really appreciate it"? That's it? Man, back in the olden days, I could get upwards of 3 chickens, a sack of barley, and a half-dead goat all for doing one of my technology intromercials. Well, I sure hope JC Penney's accepts "really appreciate it"s, 'cause I know for a fact they stopped taking "I'll be your best friend!"s a while ago.
Despite this, Strong Bad agrees to help Jay out, insisting that middle school kids are idiots that need "as much of my help and guidance as they can get." Cut to Strong Bad in a classroom, wearing a labcoat and speaking in binary code.
Strong Bad: You may not have understood me, but I was speaking technology! The word "technology"... means "magic". It's basically anything that's really cool that you don't know how it works. And if it breaks, you have to buy a new one!
Strong Bad shows off the technology he's got in his pants, in the form of a 5¼" floppy disk. Diskettes were allegedly invented by computers ("like how cows invented milk!") and are divided into "floppy disks" and "hard disks", with the "floppy disks" being bigger to hold more memory.
Other facets of technology covered by Strong Bad include:
- E-mail addresses, with Strong Bad suggesting the kids take their favorite hobby, then add "kid, girl, pie, or -izzle" and a string of random numbers to make up their own.
- Robots, which are "technology shaped like square people" used primarily for destroying Japan and serving hors d'oeuvres, like The Cheatbot.
- "Tellular cellaphones", originally used for "sending misspelled messages to your friends, telling them where you are in the food court", have advanced significantly over the years.Strong Bad: Pom Pom just bought movie tickets with his cell phone!
Pom Pom: (bubbles, annoyed)
Strong Bad: Oh, he just watched a movie on his cell phone!
Pom Pom: (bubbles angrily)
Strong Bad: Oh, oh, oh! Pom Pom just wrote, directed, produced, and distributed a movie with his cell phone! And he just got into Sundance! - "Wireless" technology like Walkmans, flashlights, and solar calculators ("I can make mine say 'OBOE SHOES'!")
Finally, Strong Bad brings us to the Lappy, "which rules over technology with a 42-pound, allegedly portable fist", and has a really cool maze screen saver.
Strong Bad: Alright, awkward children, I'm all done kickin' my tech-knowledge. Now leave me alone! Got to find my way out of these catacombs...
(The Paper comes down.)
(The Paper comes down.)
Tropes:
- Amusing Injuries: An Easter Egg has Strong Sad's attempt to correct Strong Bad on "hard disks" getting him pegged in the head by a diskette.
- Calculator Spelling: Strong Bad uses solar calculators as an example of "wireless" technology that is the wave of the future, and demonstrates by making a calculator say "OBOE SHOES" when he turns it upside down.
- Disco Dan: Strong Bad sings the praises of floppy disks, solar calculators, the screen-saver on his 42-pound laptop, and other outdated technology.
- Escalating Punchline: Pom Pom didn't order movie tickets on his cell phone, or watch a movie on his cell phone, he "wrote, directed, produced, and distributed a movie with his cell phone! And he just got into Sundance!"
- I'll Be Your Best Friend: Referenced by Strong Bad when he complains about only getting a “really appreciate it” for a technology intromercial."’cause I know for a fact [JCPenny’s] stopped taking I’ll be your best friend’s a while ago."
- Little Known Facts: This email is full totally bogus facts about technology. Strong Bad gives such gems as claiming that "computers invented diskettes to help us, like how cows invented milk", that 3½" floppies are called "hard disks", and that 5¼" floppies hold more memory because they're bigger.
- Paper-Thin Disguise: "The Cheatbot" is clearly just The Cheat wearing a metal bucket covered in bolts with light-bulbs sticking out of the sides.
- Suspiciously Specific Denial: An Easter egg shows Bubs selling "wireless extension cords". "Lightweight, existent, and shockproof!"
- Too Dumb to Live: In the Easter Egg where Strong Sad corrects Strong Bad's claims about floppy disks, he fails to get the significance of Strong Bad's focus on the hardness of 3½" floppy until he gets it in the forehead.
Strong Bad: Left... left... no, right... no, left... OK... just keep goin'... Strong Bad... style... Where are you taking me, Lappy? Man... I throwed up all over this maze.
Strong Sad: I keep telling you, they're both floppy disks.
Strong Bad: (holding a diskette) You think this is a floppy disk?
Strong Sad: Yes, it is!
Strong Bad: It's not a hard disk? (taps the diskette on the desk a few times)
Strong Sad: No!
Strong Bad: And you're sure about this?
Strong Sad: Absolu- (Strong Bad throws the diskette at his head) OW!
Bubs: Get your wireless extension cords! Three for three hundred! Lightweight, existent, and shockproof!
Homestar: (peering out the left side of the screen) Umm... I'll take fooour! (flies up the edge of the screen)
