Hank enlists the help of Coach Sauers, his old football coach from high school, to help whip Bobby's football team into shape and become winners. But his demanding, tough-as-nails demeanor scare Bobby and others into joining the soccer team.
Tropes:
- Big Damn Heroes
- Hank is one to the boys when Coach Sauers chases them around the football field with his car and knocks him out with a Gatorade cooler.
- Bobby at the end when he comes back and brings Joseph and the others back to the Tom Landry football team, despite them being creamed.
- Broken Pedestal: Hank used to look fondly upon Coach Sauers, who took the Arlen High football team all the way to the State Championship in 1974. But he quickly loses all respect for him when he sees his extreme methods, such as chasing the boys around the field with his car.
- Do Wrong, Right: Peggy teaches another mother how to properly jeer at the coach.Wendy: Maxwell, you suck!Peggy: Now Wendy honey that's over the line, you need specific criticism not just generalities.Wendy: Maxwell, your plays suck!Peggy: Much better.
- Drill Sergeant Nasty: They don't call him Sour Coach Sauers for nothing.
- Early-Installment Weirdness: Hank encourages the Cougars to tag the team name on a bridge in this episode. Later episodes would portray Hank as more of an uptight rule-follower who is strongly against people painting graffiti like when he was upset about the graffiti on the Tea Kettle in "Harlottown" or Bobby and Tid-Pao tagging the alley in "Bad Girls, Bad Girls, Whatcha Gonna Do".
- Flashback: While painting the bridge, Hank recalls back to 1974 during his high school football days, with Hank (along with Boomhauer and Bill as teammates) running for a touchdown to bring Arlen High to the State Championship, with Peggy looking on.
- Foil: Coach Sauers and the soccer coach Lucas are polar opposites. Coach Sauers is incredibly passionate about football and winning, but uses extreme methods to do so, which end up scaring away the kids to soccer. Coach Lucas is much more gentle and supportive, but he's incredibly politically correct, happy with just tying the game, and would prefer no one win or lose to avoid hurting any feelings. And, being something of an environmentalist, he has the kids pick up trash and remove the graffiti from the bridge (which the football team put there, due to tradition).
- Hidden Disdain Reveal: When Hank stops Coach Sauers from using his car to chase after the kids, Sauers reveals that he always hated Hank for not only being a know-it-all and a do-gooder but also breaking his ankle and costing him state championship football game. Hank counters that HE got him into state and he wishes he never brought him out of the shoe store.
- Jerkass: Coach Sauers is obsessed with winning, and his methods demoralize and even hurt the kids, with him not even caring at all about their well-being. It's after he chases them around in his car that Hank truly realizes what kind of guy he is.
- Nice Guy: Coach Lucas, though to a fault. Where he wants to tie and have no one win or lose.
- No Sympathy: When some of his players get hurt, the most Coach Sauers does is tell them to take a salt tablet and doesn't seem particularly concerned about them.
- On the Money: One of the reasons Coach Maxwell quit was because no one reimbursed him for the pizza party. Hank asks Dale what did he do with the money for it, Dale responded he bought a new hat.
- Put Me In, Coach!: Inverted; Hank tells the original football coach (portrayed as insecure and incompetent) to not play Bobby due to them being able to win, but the coach insists, since he likes to play everyone at least two minutes, even someone as inept as Bobby. Even Bobby calls the coach out on this decision.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Peggy, getting tired of the high-maintenance soccer moms, finally unleashes on them:Peggy: (After hearing them talk about their SUVs and heated seats) Oh, well, that is a must, isn't it? You know, my butt is either warmed by my car seat or covered by my sweater. I have to keep it at optimum temprature or I could die from mild discomfort. (The moms give a nervous chuckle) Yeah... (mimics their chuckling, then gets worked up) Oh, and you know what else would just make me die? If by mistake, I paid so much attention to my child's game, that I maybe raised my voice. Oh, I would just die, I would! Or if I got stuck with a bunch of losers who couldn't recognize a dead-on perfect Fat Albert impression, well I would just die a thousand deaths! You know what? I have got a football game to watch. (Throws down sweater and walks away before coming back and picking it up) Oh, that would be Minh's.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Being scared off by Coach Sauers, Bobby and others jump ship to the soccer team. Even Joseph joins them after a while. Then in the end, having grown tired of the atmosphere of the soccer team, the boys go back to football.
- Soccer-Hating Americans: Hank and Coach Sauers who both look down upon the sport. Hank even tries to dissuade Bobby by telling him that soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
- Bobby: Why do you have to hate what you don't understand?Hank: [mildly shocked] I don't hate you, Bobby.Bobby: I meant soccer.Hank: Oh, oh yeah. I hate soccer, yes.
- Soul-Sucking Retail Job: Coach Sauers in his later years has ended up working at a shoe store when Hank and the guys offer him a chance to return to coaching by taking over the Tom Landry Middle School football team. He's so excited about coming out of retirement he almost quits his job but rescinds after Hank points out the coaching position doesn't pay a salary.
- Special Guest: Will Ferrell as Coach Lucas, Julie Hagerty as Ally and Phil Hendrie as Coach Sauers.
- Take That!: To soccer. It's not just so much as Hank's attitude, it's the portrayal. Soccer Coach Lucas is presented as something of a wimp who's just happy to tie and the soccer moms are all condescending snobs, seen when they dump on Peggy for wearing a flannel shirt instead of a sweater.
- Take This Job and Shove It: After Hank and other parents criticized his methods such as allowing Bobby in the last minute of the game despite they could win, Maxwell counters that he's never paid for the job and wasn't even reimbursed for the pizza party he paid for. He then quits and tells them to go to hell.
- When Hank asks Sauers to take the coaching job, he rips the whistle from around his neck and hands it to his manager, quitting on the spot. Hank has to tell him that coaching is a volunteer position, and Sauers promptly turns around and accepts the whistle.
- Too Dumb to Live: After Joseph finds a crack in his helmet and lets Coach Sauers know about it, he simply tells him to put it on and ram his head against the wall to test it out. Joseph refuses and joins the soccer team. A fed-up Sauers does it himself, promptly knocking himself unconscious.
- Training from Hell: Coach Sauers training, which involves walking on the boys they do sit-ups, expecting them to memorize a huge playbook, and running headfirst into brick walls. The last straw is chasing them through the mud in a speeding car.
- Ungrateful Bastard: After Hank tries to stop Coach Sauers from chasing the children with his car, Sauers says he harbors a grudge against Hill for his ankle bone breaking and losing the State Championship, with Hank countering that he got him to State and wishes he never got him out of the shoe store.
- Would Hurt a Child: Coach Sauers throws a football at one of the players who tries to join the soccer team, knocking him out. His overall disregard for the young boys' safety is taken to the extreme when he chases the remaining players around the football field with his car.
