Football, football, football. Ted is a nervous wreck with the upcoming Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side Over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match between Craggy Island and Rugged Island. Tasked with the near-impossible task of whipping up the elderly clergy on Craggy Island into a winning team, Ted and Dougal's task is not helped by talented Jack being comatose after drinking a whole bottle of Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy-Snooze, his star player dying, his forward losing his kneecap and Dick Byrne getting a ringer — an Italian priest who only needs one nun to help him get out of a chair.
After rolling his eyes at a fellow priest's mail order fake arms and remote-controlled wheelchair, Ted shares the source of his nerves — they're using the forfeit system this year.
Match day comes. Mrs Doyle is getting the ladies of Craggy Island into the spirit of things, Dougal is eagerly keeping his opposite number Cyril from stealing the flags and on the pitch things look bleak for Craggy Island. After the Italian dives his way into getting a penalty Ted hastens away and returns with sleeping Jack in a jerky wheelchair, his arms looking a bit limp and a suspicious bulk under his jacket. Jack scores the winning goal and the home crowd go wild.
Before Ted and Dougal can celebrate, the referee discovers Ted's fake arms and remote-controlled wheelchair control. Exposed and humiliated, the match is awarded to Rugged Island and Ted waits at the parochial house for his "extra-special" forfeit. Dougal brings in the envelope and reveals Dick's shocking forfeit: within the next week, Ted must kick Bishop Brennan up the arse...
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Baseball Episode: A football episode in a series which contains two consistent allusions to the sport — Dougal's Ireland football shirt (which he wears as a pyjama top) and a photo of Jack Charlton note on the wall.
- Blatant Lies: Having lost the flag, Dougal is searching under table cloths when Ted catches him. Dougal claims to be having his breakfast.
- Call-Back: Dougal asks if Jack might be "dead again" after he died in Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest.
- Chekhov's Gag: The minute you hear that Dreamy Sleepy Nighty Snoozy-Snooze contains alcohol, you know Jack is going to down it at some point.
- Chekhov's Gun: "Honestly, what kind of situation would require the use of a pair of fake arms and a remote-controlled wheelchair? Only, I imagine, a completely ludicrous one!"
- Class Reunion: Dougal was supposed to attend one of these, but...Ted: Anyway, Dougal, you were saying about the school reunion?Dougal: Well, I didn't recognise any of them, and do you know what, Ted? They'd all become firemen. I was the only there who wasn't a fireman! Can you believe that?Ted: Err, Dougal, you didn't go to a fire station or something by mistake?Dougal: Ah.
- Cliffhanger: The only episode to lead directly into the next.
- Deadly Doctor: Dougal as the team physio, seen bending the legs of the practice dummy the wrong way. Fortunately Ted makes him corner-flag watcher.
- Description Cut: Ted mentions a priest who needs to be at the peak of his ability to help Craggy Island win the match. Cut to the priest lying in a coffin.
- "Eureka!" Moment: "I can't believe we're in this completely ludicrous... [Beat] ...situation!"
- Freeze-Frame Ending: Of Father Jack's mortified expression.
- Informed Ability: Father Jack is, according to Ted, a fantastic footballer. The few times Jack is out of his wheelchair in the rest of the series he seems to struggle with verticality, let alone locomotion. Lampshaded by Dougal when he points out that you wouldn't think Jack was any good at football at all. As it happens, Jack does score the winning goal ... but only because he's sitting (unconscious) in a wheelchair that's being remotely controlled by Ted.
- Even more than Jack, Dick Byrne's star player Father Romeo Censini is alleged to be an incredible footballer, at least when taking his age into account, though again this all comes in the form of Character Shilling from Dick and in the actual football match he isn't particularly shown to be any more skilled than anyone else — although he does win a penalty by diving (as per a common stereotype about European footballers which was especially prevalent in the 1990s) and when he takes the penalty, the Craggy Island goalie does seem somewhat overawed by him.
- Noodle Incident:
- Ted had to photocopy his bottom when Craggy Island lost the previous year.
- Ted and Dougal make reference to Jack having been accused of committing an unspecified crime in Liverpool.Dougal: Didn't you tell me once that Jack had a trial with Liverpool?Ted: No, he was on trial in Liverpool.
- Oh, Crap!: The collective response of Dougal, Ted, Mrs Doyle and even Jack when the forfeit is read out.
- Properly Paranoid:
- Ted's ruinous paranoia about being bugged by Dick Byrne turns out to be justified when Dick's seen listening to headphones in a disguised van outside the parochial house.
- Ted also sets Dougal to "guard the corner flags" to keep him out of the way, but Dougal takes this task seriously. Sure enough, Dick sets Cyril to steal one.
- Serious Business: How everyone regards the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side Over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match between Craggy Island and Rugged Island.
- Shout-Out:
- The title is this to Escape to Victory, in keeping with the football theme.
- The frantic searching for bugs by Ted is stated by the writers in their scripts' book to be an allusion to the ending of The Conversation.
- Ted's angry ranting as a football manager is similar to three 1990s British documentaries about football: Cutting Edge's Graham Taylor: The Impossible Job (1994), about Graham Taylor and England; Orient for a Fiver (1995), about John Sitton (and, to a much lesser extent, Chris Turner) and Leyton Orient; and Premier Passions (1998), about Peter Reid and Sunderland. All three of these documentaries contained a lot of swearing from football managers leading struggling teams.
- Talking with Signs: Ted and Dougal at the beginning when Ted thinks they're being bugged.
- To Be Continued: This episode is the only Father Ted one which ends thusly.
- You, Get Me Coffee: Ted's request for Dougal to "look after the corner flags", and Dick's request for Cyril to steal one.
