Eddie:"Not sprouts! I hate sprouts!
Richie: "Will you stop whinging, Eddie! Nobody likes sprouts!"
Eddie: "Then why are we having them then?"
Richie: "BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS!"Eddie is woken at 3:30 AM by Santa Claus - or Richie in an unconvincing costume, to be more precise - and, after Richie has placed his own stockings (stuffed with the ingredients for Christmas lunch) and Eddie's (a tiny baby sock), proceeds to hang him. After they exchange their presents (an used toilet roll with a picture of Sue Carpenter, dubbed a 'play-telescope', and a horrendous self-portrait), Richie prepares lunch, chopping off his index finger in the process, while Eddie decorates the flat.After incinerating their Christmas tree (a geranium), the guests, Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog, arrive. The lunch however, proves to be literally inedible: gravy is used to substitute the sherry, the potatoes are hard enough to break plates, the turkey has been carbonised and the vodka margarine used to replace the brandy butter is so flammable Eddie is forced to use the fire extinguisher on it.While playing charades, the doorbell rings. Richie opens the door to find a baby, abandoned on the steps. He takes it in, ignoring Eddie's demands to get rid of it. Moved because the baby has to spend his first Christmas without family, Spudgun, Dave and Eddie (wearing paper crowns) give the baby their Christmas presents: a box of Terry's All Gold, a Frankenstein mask and a bottle of aftershave called Grrr. Noticing the parallels with the birth of Christ, Richie (a virgin) realises that they are witnessing the Second Coming, and declares himself the mother of Christ.However, the arrival of their landlord, who reveals the baby in question is his grandson, who he left on the doorstep for Richie and Eddie to look after (he didn't bother to ask because he knew they would refuse), shatters Richie's delusions. He and Eddie still declare their Christmas a success, when the mother of the baby starts breast-feeding him right in front of them.
— Richie, explaining the traditions of Christmas.
Richie: It's not just my flat now, it's my universe! My name is now... Richard Mary! And you have to do everything I say or you'll all go to hell!