Dorien: Tracey flirted with this awful man. Her behaviour was outrageous.
Garth: Translation: She pulled, you didn't.
— Garth Stubbs reading between the lines of Dorien Green's whinge.
- Date First Aired: 12/01/1998
After the last episode, the sisters have now set up their new business in domestic cleaning. However, afterward, Sharon isn't feeling too well - she's got a temperature, although Tracey doesn't believe her at first until she faints during one of their jobs. The doctor decides that Sharon needs to change her lifestyle, although Tracey still thinks that she is milking it.
Meanwhile, Garth is having problems with his room and wants it changed, although Tracey is a bit annoyed, as the room is the nursery and Garth had previously shown a desire to move. Tracey thus forces Garth to move out and get a job. Soon, everyone thinks that Tracey is beginning to get a little too harsh for their liking so Sharon takes Dorien's offer of new-age healing up.
The next morning, it seems to work and she manages to do the job, but it's not long before she feels sick and faints again. Tracey is worried as she did not previously believe her, but it turns out that Sharon has an allergy to something. Well, until it turns out that that's another term for Sharon having a poor lifestyle.
Tropes in this episode:
- Affectionate Nickname: Dorien uses "Shal", Tracey's nickname for Sharon, when trying to butter her up so she won't sue her if she was behind her trip to hospital.
- Animal Metaphor: Danny likes to compare women to birds. To him, Tracey is like a swan, whilst Dorien is merely a thrush.
- Baby Talk: Sharon uses it to mock Garth after he asks if he's spoilt.
- Big Eater: Tracey complains about how much rubbish Sharon eats.Sharon: These are not rubbish. These contain the two most important food groups - chocolate and biscuit.
- Celebrity Crush: Sharon states that if she was a lesbian, then she'd have a thing for Carol Vorderman.
- Continuity Nod: Tracey mentions Garth going off to France.
- Crying Wolf: Tracey doesn't believe Sharon's claims that she's sick at first, as Sharon has had a history of faking illness to get out of stuff. It's eventually revealed that she is genuinely sick.
- Dumb Blonde: After pretending to mistake "euthanasia" for "youth in Asia", Tracey reassures Dorien that not all blondes are dumb.Tracey: Not all blondes are dumb.Dorien: Not all blondes are blonde.
- Embarrassing Nickname: Sharon is revealed to have had "sick note" as one given by her headmaster, mainly because of her tendency to get out of stuff with a sick note.
- Fainting: Sharon frequently faints in front of Mrs. Hackett thanks to her poor lifestyle.
- Fleeting Passionate Hobbies: Dorien shows an interest in new age healing this episode, which leads Tracey to accuse her of pursuing a hobby every week, usually only for the purposes of finding someone to have sex with.
- The Ghost:
- Rupert, who's giving Dorien sessions in energy channeling and crystal healing.
- Emma, Garth's new girlfriend.
- Gold Digger: When thinking about what kind of woman she'd be sexually interested in, Dorien's first thought is that she'd have to be rich and powerful.
- Lame Pun Reaction: Sharon dismisses Tracey's idea of "Maids of Ongar" (a play on "maids of honour") as a joke, but without the funny part.
- Literary Allusion Title: The episode title is a play on the novel The English Patient.
- Misophonia Gag: Sharon loudly sucks on a chocolate biscuit, much to Tracey's annoyance.
- Musical Chores: Sharon sings "I Got You" by James Brown whilst she's preparing in the kitchen and cleaning Mrs. Hackett's place.
- No Sympathy: Tracey is more annoyed that Sharon put herself in a position to be sick than actually sympathetic to her, thanks to her thinking that she's just playing it up to get out of her new job. She does become more sympathetic when it turns out that she is sick... until she finds out that it was self-inflicted.Sharon: I collapsed at work today. Precious little sympathy I got off 'er.
- One-Shot Character: Mrs. Hackett and Danny
- Playing Sick: This is what Tracey thinks that Sharon's doing, not helped by her history of doing this - after all, her nickname used to be "sick note". As the episode goes on, however, it's revealed that Sharon was sick all along.
- Plot Allergy: Subverted. Sharon is revealed to suffer from an allergy after she faints twice during the episode, although it's later revealed to have occured as a result of her poor lifestyle.
- Punny Name:
- According to Tracey, the name "Maids of Ongar" is a play on "maids of honour", except they live near Ongar.
- Dorien finds a new wine bar called the "Vincent van Go-Go".
- Self-Deprecation: The name "Birds of a Feather" is dismissed by Sharon as "crap". Keep in mind that this is the name used by the show itself.
- Shout-Out:
- Sharon complains about smelling like a sideboard from the Antiques Roadshow.
- Tracey snaps at Sharon that she shouldn't play The English Patient.
- Dorien claims that Sharon smells like she's been rogered by Mr Sheen.
- The nursery has Noddy and Big Ears painted on the wall.
- Sharon claims that having to walk to Mrs. Hackett's house is worse than Tenko.
- Dorien's new wine bar is called the "Vincent van Go-Go".
- Tracey calls Garth "Rolf Harris".
- Tracey snaps at Garth that she's sorry she isn't running the best little whorehouse in Essex.
- Tracey calls Garth "Little Lord Fauntleroy" when complaining about how spoilt he is.
- Tracey compares Sharon and Dorien's friendship to Little Orphan Annie and Florence Nightingale.
- Sharon admits that if she had to be a lesbian, she'd be interested in Carol Vorderman.
- Sharon mentions she'll have Shalentrace so clean that Michael Jackson could eat off of it.
- Tracey claims that if Dracula bit Sharon, he'd get diabetes.
- When Tracey asks what Sharon might sue Dorien for, Dorien snaps that she doesn't know because she isn't Rumpole of the Bailey.
- Sharon wants Dorien to read her a Jane Seymour (Actress) interview.
- Sick Episode: Sharon spends the episode sick thanks to her lifestyle (although she briefly tries to pass it off as a Plot Allergy).
- Speak in Unison: Sharon and Garth mutter "We all do" after Dorien says she misses when Tracey used to be so vacant.
- Take That!:
- Sharon uses Brookside as a euphemism for lesbianism.
- Dorien is disgusted when Sharon thinks that she'd be interested in Judy Finnigan or Janet Street-Porter.
- Sharon complains that a lack of food makes her feel like Karen Carpenter.
- The "The" Title Confusion: Although the episode title is "The Essex Patient", UKTV Play just refers to it as simply "Essex Patient" without any "The" to it.
- Title Drop: Tracey suggests calling the sister's new cleaning service "Birds of a Feather", the only reference to the actual title of the series during the run:
Sharon: "Domestic Cleanin'"? Can't you think of a better name than that?
Tracey: Well... I was thinking about "Birds of a Feather".
Sharon: Tha's crap!
Tracey: Well... I was thinking about "Birds of a Feather".
Sharon: Tha's crap!
- Took a Level in Jerkass: As noticed by the others, Tracey becomes harsher this episode, being unsympathetic to Sharon, insulting Dorien, and being quite harsh to Garth.
