Quotes / Kung-Fu Jesus

"Action Jesus! Manger sold separately."
Crow T. Robot Mystery Science Theater 3000 "Santa Claus"

"Wachowski brothers fans have noted the deliberate parallels between the messianic Neo and the Biblical story of the moneychangers in the temple, in which Christ pulled out a Beretta and killed about 50 security guards."

''"Kung-Fu Action Jesus! He's fighting the bad guys and making them pay, with Magic Kung Fu, he'll save the day! It's Kung Fu Action Jesus!"

"Super Mecha Death Christ 2000 B.C. 4.0 Beta, bitch!"

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John, 16:33 (NIV)

[Being held up by two Iraqi soldiers]
"My children, you should know something.
...I'm packing."
Jesus, in the episode Red Sleigh Down, South Park

"This summer, let he who is without sin...kick the first ass."

SUPER JESUS: Where is your Satan now!?"
Fauxtivational Poster using the page pic.

"Jesus Christ... Superstar... burning 'round the corner on a Yamaha"
— Parody of Jesus Christ Superstar

You can't do what Jesus can do (Jesus shits all over you)
There are three of him, and there's only one of you (and Jesus can fly)
He can cure a blind man, you can't cure the flu
He's a zombie wizard, who also knows kung fu
The Axis of Awesome, What Would Jesus Do

Jesus is coming, and he is pissed!
— Bill Robinson, Stephen King's Maximum Overdrive

"Imagine if Jesus knew kung-fu; that's what everybody is dealing with."
John Morrison, ECW on Sci-Fi

[Fred Dryer] was TV's Hunter?! That's like finding out Jesus knew karate! Imagine that, Stan, karate Jesus!

"Alright, motherfuckers. In times like this, religion is often forgotten, so I'm gonna remind you of how awesome Jesus is. First off, his power level is fucking 9,001. THAT IS OVER 9 THOUSAND! Show some respect for that. He'd kick all your asses. Second, he dares to have a Mexican name despite the fact that he is not Mexican. Only the greats do that. Third, he could conjure water and self-rez when his group wiped for the fifth fucking time that night so no one had to run back. That's a fucking time-saver right there! And finally, he is a great supporter of cannibalism. So much so that he actually ENCOURAGES people to eat his flesh and drink his blood. Any questions?"
—taken from a Gaia Online roleplay post