Quotes / Gag Nose

CYRANO: Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!
You might have said at least a hundred things
By varying the tone ... like this, suppose, ...
Aggressive: "Sir, if I had such a nose
I'd amputate it!" Friendly: When you sup
It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;
You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!"
Descriptive: " 'Tis a rock! ... a peak! ... a cape!
—A cape, forsooth! 'Tis a peninsular! "
Curious: "How serves that oblong capsular?
For scissor-sheath? Or pot to hold your ink?"
Gracious: "You love the little birds, I think?
I see you've managed with a fond research
To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!"
Truculent: "When you smoke your pipe ... suppose
That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose—
Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,
Cry terror-struck: "The chimney is afire"?"
Considerate: "Take care, ... your head bowed low
By such a weight ... lest head o'er heels you go!"
Tender: "Pray get a small umbrella made,
Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!"
Pedantic: "That beast Aristophanes
Names Anticonceptionnelles
Must have possessed just such a solid lump
Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!"
Cavalier: "The last fashion, friend, that hook?
To hang your hat on? 'Tis a useful crook!"
Emphatic: "No wind, O majestic nose,
Can give THEE cold!—save when the mistral blows!"
Dramatic: "When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!"
Admiring: "Sign for a perfumery!"
Lyric: "Is this a conch? ... a Triton you?"
Simple: "When is the monument on view?"
Rustic: "That thing a nose? Marry-come-up!
'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!"
Military: "Point against cavalry!"
Practical: "Put it in a lottery!
Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!"
Or ... parodying Pyramus' sighs ...
"Behold the nose that mars the harmony
Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!"
—Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,
Had you of wit or letters the least jot:
But, O most lamentable man!—of wit
You never had an atom, and of letters
You have three letters only!—they spell Ass!
And—had you had the necessary wit,
To serve me all the pleasantries I quote
Before this noble audience ... e'en so,
You would not have been let to utter one—
Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!
I take them from myself all in good part,
But not from any other man that breathes!

All right, twenty something betters. I start with the obvious:
Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she will blow!
Fashionable: You could de-emphasise your nose if you wore something larger... like Wyoming.
Personal: Well, here we are... Just the three of us.
Punctual: Okay, your nose was on time, but you were 10 minutes late.
Envious: Oh, I wish I were you... to be able to smell your own ear!
Naughty: Some of the ladies have asked if you would put that thing away.
Philosophical: It is not the size of a nose that is important... it is what is in it that matters.
Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you... sneeze and it is goodbye,Seattle.
Commercial: Hi, I am Earl Scheib and I can paint that nose for $100!
Polite: Would you mind not bobbing your head? The orchestra keeps changing the tempo.
Melodic: Everybody. He has got the whole world in his nose.
Sympathetic: What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
Complimentary: You must love the birdies... to give them this to perch on.
Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
Obscure: Whoa, I would hate to see the grindstone. Well, think about it.
Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers... are they afraid?
French: The pigs have refused to find any more truffles... until you leave.
Pornographic: Finally a man who can satisfy two women at once. How many is that?
- Fourteen, Chief.
All right, religious:The Lord giveth ...and He just kept on giving, did he not? Fifteen.
Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair? Sixteen.
Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Seventeen.
Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee...in Brazil. Eighteen.
Appreciative: Oh, how original.Most people just have their teeth capped.Nineteen.
All right... [...] Dirty: Your name would not be Dick, would it?
— The same scene in Roxanne