Quotes / Covers Always Lie

Ted: (upon seeing Hell) This is not what I expected.
Bill: Yeah, we were totally lied to by our album covers.

I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on the covers... this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted.

In fact, I support this kind of thing wholeheartedly: fact is, sometimes you got to lie to a motherfucker. If showing a dude holding a giant spine with an aftermarket scythe affixed is what it takes to get young men to read a single page of the classics, than so be it. I hope these shenanigans work like gangbusters. We've got your backs on this thing.
Tycho, Penny Arcade

The issue has nothing to do with Secret Wars until the final two pages, a double splash in which the 616 incursion happens. With literal red skies, because everyone knows they're just fucking with us here, but screw that. This is a $3.99 book that was advertised as a major part of the countdown to Secret Wars, and it's not. It's just not. It is totally inessential to Secret Wars, and worse, would be borderline completely fucking impenetrable to someone jumping in because they saw the branding. This is flat out abusive of the audience. Publishing this comic, with this advertising, was wrong.
El Sandifer on Miles Morales: The Ultimate Spider-Man #12

Okay, I'll admit this cover has nothing to do with the story this month... But I've got to do something to sell this book!
'She-Hulk, on the cover of Sensational She-Hulk #43

Jay: The back of the box says he's making a race of, like, zombie ninjas, which sounds promising. But there are no zombie ninjas in the movie.
Rich: They should've just called it the Macguffin formula. "We need the Macguffin formula to make superior Macguffins!"
Best of the Worst on Ninja Warriors (1985)

Jessi: One thing that is really disappointing — that I feel kinda lied to about — is on the back here. There were "explosions", and there were "chases", but there was no "1-against-100 bazooka battles."
Josh: So, is it one hundred people with one bazooka...? Or is it one person fighting a hundred bazookas?
Jay: It doesn't matter, because there were no bazookas in the movie.
Jessi: There was not even a-one bazooka. And I am kinda pissed.
Best of the Worst on Never Too Young to Die (1986)

Jay: I think we can all agree, though, that the cover is a work of art. It should be hanging in a museum.
Jessi: You know what? I wish that the videotape was blank, and that all we had to go off of was the cover. That would've made me happy.
Best of the Worst on Tree Stand Safety.note 

Josh: "Part-cop." Nope. At no point is she a cop.
Jay: NO! (I didn't even think about that!)
Josh: "Part-machine." She's entirely machine, as far as I know.
Jay: Yes.
Josh: "All-woman." Eeeyh.
Jay: NO! NO-woman! All-MACHINE!
Mike: The only part that's not a machine is the wig.
Best of the Worst, Robo C.H.I.C.

Mike: (reading box description) "You'll probably find answers to these questions with Justine Bateman (TV's Family Ties), Jason Bateman, and a cast of real-life teenagers from University High in Los Angeles. With song. With dance. With pizazz."
Jessi: (snaps) There's no "dance"! There's songs.
Mike: There's no "pizazz."
Best of the Worst on How Can I Tell If I'm Really in Love (1992)

Mazes and Monsters, starring Tom Hanks in his first leading role! The DVD artwork makes this movie look kickass, man! ..Even if this is a stock photo of Tom taken about fifteen years after the movie was made and, y'know, there aren't actually any enormous labyrinths, evil castles, or dragons in this movie. Uh...okay, I guess this whole cover's a lie.

The audience thinks they're getting a world-famous actor between Oscar nods—instead it's just a guy fresh off his first guest spot on Love Boat.

I suppose the face of Cary Elwes is slightly less of a draw than it once was, so they reasonably decided to throw the entire cast of the movie onto the Blu-ray cover. But look closely at it. Does it remind you of anything? Thatís right: they made Robin Hood: Men in Tights look like Epic Movie. I repeat: theyíre selling a film by Mel Brooks, the godfather of the spoof genre, as if it were a Seltzerberg parody. Iím guessing Brooks hasnít seen this, otherwise he would have already killed himself just so he could roll over in his grave.

The cover's a complete lie! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, 'you'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law'... Oh, no no, I stand corrected: This game delivers a "load", all right. Load of fucking shit!

At least the premise is interesting; vampires are taking over the world! They're lightning fast and have superhuman senses, but those are dulled by the rain, so it makes sense for your elite team of puny humans to wait for a storm to strike. The hunter becomes the hunted!

That's just the setup, though, rain doesn't actually do anything in the game...Vampire Rain's biggest sin is that it has absolutely no personality, but it does try pretty hard to steal Metal Gear Solid's: green monochrome HUD, LIFE bar, vision cone mini-map... even the frickin' CALL display. The hero, whose name is not worth remembering, is a generic spy dude that nonetheless looks quite a bit like the classic Solid Snake (he does have a night vision goggle eye thingy, which is not at all reminiscent of Splinter Cell)...There's a PS3 port which improves nothing but tries very hard to hide the vampires with new box art and a new subtitle: Altered Species. This game is so ashamed to be about vampires (it was before the first Twilight movie, you know). Despite the title, they don't even call them vampires; they're Nightwalkers, ok? How can a stealth espionage game about vampires be this bland?

"Featuring: No Scene Even Remotely Like This Inside!"

"Now, the box art doesn't look too completely terrible, right? Well guess what? It's a lie! It's a complete and utter LIE!"

"Actually this is a complete lie. The Pictured scene does not actually happen."

What does an old guy playing a banjo with his dog have to do with spaceships!?

The cover of the game - which I wish I'd brought, actually - features a medieval knight shooting lightning out of his hand. The game is about turning up to somebody's party late and not being able to find where it starts. There are no knights in it or lightning. It's the most inexplicable cover I've ever seen.
Stuart Ashen, on Surprise, Surprise, during a presentation for Norwich Gaming Festival.