Quotes / Back-Alley Doctor

I told him I got water on the knee
He gave me a sponge and raised his fee
Rodney Dangerfield, "Rappin' Rodney"

(Shake is being operated on by a convicted criminal)
Meatwad: He does do some good work, don't he?
Carl: Yeah, mostly he does hot rods. Sometimes faces.

You were lucky enough to have a friend who didn't mind getting her hands dirty on account of your best interest. A friend with a chainsaw.

"Vait, it gets better! Vhen ze patient woke up, his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never heard from again! *laughs* [beat] Anyvay, zat's how I lost my medical license."

"Who needs a real doctor when you've got my machines and their scary needles?"
Dr. Zed, Borderlands

"Please insert any donated organs into the receptacle below."
Zed's Meds vending machine, Borderlands 2

"The dead ones don't sue you."
Barazo Mankanshoku, Kill la Kill

(sneezes) This damn cold. (Beat) Don't worry. You see, I could cut open your chest and sew a dead cat in there, and you wouldn't ever get an infection. Not with the spectrum of antibios I'll be shooting into you.
Dr Solomon Eddie, Minority Report

Look around, look around, look at all this: this was a filthy abattoir. Hard to believe, isn't it? Now, Selma has done wonders to this place. She has the heart of an interior decorator and the mind of a dominatrix. Oh, she's also a trained nurse; not that your hospitals would recognize her credentials. The bureaucracy and politics of the medical establishment is the antithesis to progress. This is why we have built our own clinic. Who needs a medical license when you can cater to sophisticated clientele such as you and your kind, a clientele that appreciates artistry and is willing to, lets call it, bypass traditional channels for the sake of beauty and perfection?
Dr Aldini, The Secret World

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/BackAlleyDoctor