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alt title(s): Our Elves Are Different
Pointy-eared smugness comes in multiple flavors.

As a rule, elves are both beautiful and graceful — and they know it, too, which is my major problem with the manky little gits. The fact is that most elves are arrogant snots.
— "Wulf", in Heart of the Lion 3: The Red and The Green, by Anthony Pryor-Brown

Everything you can do elves can do better, elves are much better at everything than you.
Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

Elves are many different things to many different people, but it's important to remember the one thing elves always are: Better.

Better than you, me, and even other elves. Especially other elves.

They are also quite aware of that fact and will let you know it, again and again and you won't argue about it, ever (Most of the time, at least). After all, they've quite often been around for a lot longer than those upstart humans. That said, fantasy elves aren't always elitist Smug Snakes. In fact, elves in fantasy fiction come in a number of flavors, whether all-natural, magical, or just plain nasty:

  • High Elves: These guys are better than you, and they won't hesitate to remind you at every opportunity. They're usually physically superior in "every way that counts" (which is to say, they don't count others' strengths as worthwhile) and are usually highly proficient in magic. They'll frequently be part of an ancient civilization/kingdom that has been in Medieval Stasis since before human speech. These guys usually favor whites, reds, blues, and imperial purples and wear super-sumptuous clothes along with delicate jewelry that make fangirls squee with envy. Rapiers, bows, and spears are favored weapons for their ground forces, with the option of sleek scimitars in settings where rapiers are too modern.
  • Wood Elves: In tune with nature and prone to spiritual contemplation. All the same, they kick bow-y butt in combat. Generally they're magical in a druidic rather than wizardly way. Can be The Empath, often found in a Hidden Elf Village in a forest, which can overlap with a Tree Top Town. These guys are among the least stuck up elves, but that might not be saying much, since they usually replace Cultural Posturing with lectures on respecting nature. Obviously, they favor greens, browns, and flowy billowy clothes when they aren't wearing leaves. They generally use bows, knives, and (if they have metal) short swords. Sometimes an Expy of the Magical Native American.
  • Dark Elves: Take the above two, sprinkle in some xenophobia and a dash of Always Chaotic Evil, allow to simmer and season to taste. Dark Elves are usually closer to The Fair Folk, except these guys are organized as cities or even civilizations and hell bent on evil, rather than "just" operating on an alien morality. These guys will wear black leather bondage gear when they aren't wearing Spikes Of Villainy, speak in the Black Speech, and kick dogs. Same weapons as the others, only their blades are serrated. Yet despite living in caves they're still gorgeous.
  • Half-Elves: Since elves can't help being so awesome, it's no surprise they get to "know" a lot of people. Biblically. The result of all this canoodling are Half-Elves. These guys have half the coolness of their elf parent, but half the suck of their human side (including mortality and — worse by far — facial hair). They are usually outcasts, or if not outcasts, then have utterly embraced one of their parentages completely (not surprisingly, usually the Elf part because humans suck). Even so, expect pure blood elves to sneer at them, and at best pity them, dark elves to damn them as mongrels and try to kill them, whilst humans tend to stand, point, gawp slack jawed and go "Oooo!" at them. Only rarely will they be treated as equals, which gives them an Wangst rating on par with the Friendly Neighborhood Vampire. Oddly, Elves will usually treat Half-Elves far worse than they treat normal Humans, despite the fact that Humans are the only real reason for their hate in the first place.
  • Space Elves: A newer variation, Space Elves can be a straight up copy of any of the aforementioned variants, but IN SPACE! Usually, they are also notable because their technology is either organic, crystalline, or otherwise very pretty and completely renewable/in tune with nature (and can probably blow your ships right out of space before you can even see them). And of course, replace a bow with a laser gun (or better yet, laser bows!) and you're in business.
  • Rock elves: They play guitars.

All elves usually share the following traits:
  • Human-sized, if not slightly smaller. (Exception: High Elves are frequently taller but slimmer, just to emphasize their inherent arrogance superiority.)
  • Lithe and nimble, bordering on Squishy Wizard.
  • Pointy Ears. The exact pointyness varies. Some favor "Humanlike with a point at the tip", while many works (particularly anime for exaggeration purposes) have thin, triangular ears a foot long, often sticking out at a 90-degree angle from their heads.
  • Long Lived and immune to Who Wants To Live Forever.
    • Though lifespan varies, from immortality+reincarnation down to about 200 years.
    • Usually accompanied by low birth rates.
  • Magical in one way or another, either from being highly spiritual or innately magical.
  • Straight and golden-blond or white shoulder length hair, straight dark hair, or flowing red tresses "the colour of autumn leaves" (with that quote) are common. For some reason other colors and curly or kinky hair are rarely seen, unless it's a setting where elves are distinct from humans by having a rainbow of unnatural hair colors, like metallic silver, ruby red, purple, bright blue, pink and green.
  • No facial hair. Period. They don't grow it and never have to shave. This is pervasive to the point a Perma Stubble or beard on an elf would be near mind shatteringly weird. (This is occasionally averted, most notably in Looking For Group and the Warcraft universe; half-averted in Elf Quest (only impure elves grow beards, but all impure male elves do). Also in Lord Of The Rings where extremely old elves possibly can grow a beard as impressive as any human, but it's rare). Half-Elves can often grown facial hair to show how inferior they are. If they do, it'll probably be a fashionable, Errol Flynn-esque business.
  • Very, very pretty. To the point of fetishism. (Those pointed ears...)
  • Anything they make is likewise beautiful, more durable, more delicious, and just plain better than human wares. However, they do sometimes lack a certain creative flair.
  • A strong warrior tradition. Perhaps because of the nature of the settings they exist in, pacifist elves are surprisingly rare. As above, they usually specialise in archery and swordsmanship, but also expect guerrilla warfare, stealth, speed and strong magical backup. A Magic Knight is likely to be an elf.

This subject is prone to Internet Backdraft on RPG forums. Many see elves as only enjoyed by twinks or those who wish to see themselves as better than everyone else in every facet, yet others claim that elves are above such things. Which, really, only makes things worse- can you really claim to be above being above people?

Compare Our Elves Are Worse The Fair Folk. Contrast Humans Are Special. Also see Christmas Elves for the other kind of elf. See Screw You Elves when you — inconceivably — don't believe in their betterness.

And whatever you do, don't mention the Dwarves.

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