Funny / Van Helsing

  • Carl whining about going to Transylvania.
    Van Helsing: The Order tells you to keep me alive (throws his stuff at Carl) for as long as possible.
    Carl: (terrified) But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing? I don't wanna go to Transylvania!
  • After Frankenstein's Monster was forced outside and into a horse carriage:
    Van Helsing: I warn you; don't stare at him.
    * he opens the door, Frankenstein's Monster nearly growls*
    Carl: (terrified) I'm staring at him. (quickly turns 180) Is that a man?!
    Van Helsing: Actually, it's seven men - parts of them, anyway.
    Frankenstein's Monster: By exposing me, you have condemned me! ME AND ALL OF HUMANITY!!! (Gabriel and Anna simply close the door on him)
  • One of the brief conversations between Velkan and Dracula:
    Velkan: I would rather die than help you!
    Dracula: Oh, don't be boring. Everyone that says that dies.
  • A good portion of the fight scene between Van Helsing and Mr. Hyde. Y'know, when it wasn't Nightmare Fuel.
  • Dracula and Igor after the werewolf returns and Igor starts attacking it with an electrified prong:
    Dracula: Igor?
    Igor: Yes, master?
    Dracula: Why do you torment that thing so?
    Igor: It's What I Do.
  • After breaking into the castle:
    Van Helsing: You are taking us to Dracula.
    Igor: No. I'm not.
    (Van Helsing slams him against a wall, hard)
    Igor: Yes. I am.
    • Before this, when the heroes see Igor passing by, you can hear him complaining about his master — "Igor do this, Igor do that!"
    • Even better is the exchange immediately after Van Helsing grabs Igor.
    Igor: Please don't kill me!
    Van Helsing: Why not?
    Igor: Well...I...uh...
  • A drive-by hilarious quote—after Carl tests the nitroglycerin, you can hear one of the priests in the background indignantly shouting: "What in the name of Allah is wrong with you?!"
    Carl: The air around here is THICK with envy...
  • Van Helsing ending his Sherlock Scan of what Frankenstein's Monster looks like with this exchange:
    Van Helsing: (rattling off the monster's features) ...he has a bad gimp in his right leg and... three copper teeth. (reaches for his gun)
    Anna: (confused) How do you know he has copper teeth? (As Frankenstein's monster is coming up behind her)
    Van Helsing: (quickly) Because he's standing right behind you; MOVE!
  • From the gag reel:
    Dracula: I give you... VAN HALEN!
  • From the animated prologue; the amazing holy water super soaker.
  • After Van Helsing has been bitten by a werewolf and Carl explains they have 48 hours to find a solution:
    Van Helsing: Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.
    Carl: Oh my God, you should be terrified!
    Van Helsing: (beat)Thank you.
  • When the werewolf is loose...
    Carl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?
  • When a bride tries to swoop down and snatch Van Helsing, he jumps and she grabs a cow instead. Poor Daisy gets thrown through a nearby roof with a surprised "MOOOOOOO!"
    • More hilariously, the cow is alive and well on the porch of the building it was thrown through and giving Carl a look that seems to say "What the fuck just happened?" once the fight itself is over.
  • In the animated prequel, one of the fights between Van Helsing and Hyde ends with Van Helsing on an out-of-control train. He gets it to stop just as it arrives at a station where Carl is waiting.
    Carl: Van Helsing? How'd you get here?
    Van Helsing: I put on the brakes.