Funny / The Tourist

  • Frank's and Elsie's first meeting on the train:
    Frank: My name's Frank.
    Elsie: That's a terrible name.
    Frank: (shrugs) It's the only one I've got.
    Elsie: Perhaps we can find you a new one.

  • Frank's attempts to invite Elsie to dinner.
    Elsie: Invite me to dinner, Frank?
    Frank: What?
    Elsie: (gives him a look)
    Frank: Would you like to have dinner?
    Elsie: Women don't like questions.
    Frank: Join me for dinner.
    Elsie: Too demanding.
    Frank: Join me for dinner?
    Elsie: Another question.
    Frank: (thinks for a moment) I'm having dinner, if you'd care to join me.
    Elsie: (smiles at him)

  • When Frank sees Elsie in her evening wear.
    Frank: Fuck.
    Elsie: Gives look.
    Frank: You're ravenous.
    Elsie: Do you mean 'ravishing'?
    Frank: I do.
    Elsie: You're ravenous.
    Frank: I am.

  • When the two thugs are trying to break into Frank's hotel room and he calls the reception for help.
    Frank: (into the phone) Hello? Please help!
    Concierge: (answering phone) Buongiorno, signore.
    Frank: Buongiorno- I, I need help! There are two men trying to break down the door...
    Concierge: I see, what kind of problem do you have with the door, sir?
    Frank: No, no, no! There are two men with guns trying to break in! Dos hombres, con... con pistolas!
    Concierge: Your Spanish is excellent, sir.
    Frank: Thank you...
    (The thugs start to shoot out the door lock)
    Frank: Ah, I gotta go! (Frank drops the phone and exits through the window)
    Concierge: Sir? (slams down the receiver) American!

  • Frank's constant use of Spanish instead of Italian is pretty funny in just about every instance.
    Frank: Gracias.
    Policeman: *Beat* De nada.

  • Fleeing his would-be assailants, Frank runs along rooftops, leaps across a gap to an awning, and dashes through a crowded marketplace... in his pajamas. The chase ends when he runs into a policeman (literally), and is promptly arrested. (Yes, the whole sequence is very reminiscent of Jack Sparrow.)

  • After Frank narrowly escapes the two thugs.
    Policeman: You wish to report a murder.
    Frank: Attempted murder.
    Policeman: That's not so serious.
    Frank: Not when you downgrade it from murder. But when you upgrade it from room service, it's quite serious.

  • Right after Shaw strangles an incompetent minion with a measuring tape.
    Shaw: (checking new suit in mirror) Does it look all right?
    Bodyguard: (nervous) Yes. Like always.
    Shaw: What's always?
    Bodyguard: Very good.
    Shaw: Yes, I think it looks all right.

  • Shaw referring to Alexander's stealing millions of dollars from him.
    You know, Alexander was like a son to me. I loved him. That brilliant, playful, disrespectful young bastard. I even thought that he and I were two of a kind. Oh, I took great pleasure in never knowing what this man would do next. Until one day what he did next didn't give me any pleasure at all.

  • At the end, as the two are escaping on a boat.
    Elsie: Twenty million dollars worth of plastic surgery and that's the face you choose?
    Frank: You don't like it?
    Elsie: (smiles) It will do.