Funny: The Frantics

  • Their comedy skit "Ti Kwan Leep", in which a master attempts to teach the titular martial art to a group of novices. The whole thing is awesome, but here's a sample:
    Ed Gruberman: Listen shrimp, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wipin' the walls with you?
    Master: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.
    Ed: Alright, finally some action.
    Master: Observe closely class. Boot to the head. [wh-thunk]
    Ed: Oww! You booted me in the head!!
    Master: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.
    Ed: Ow, oh, my head...
    Master: Now we continue.
    Ed: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, come on, are ya chicken?
    Master: Boot to the head. [wh-thunk]
    Ed: Ow! Okay, now I'm ready, come on, try it now.
    Master: Boot to the head. [wh-thunk]
    Ed: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?
    • And later:
    Master: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?
    Student: Yes Master, I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.
    Master: Very good.
    Student: And secondly — get in the first shot. Boot to the head! [whoosh]
    Master: You missed.
  • In the same vein as "Ti Kwan Leep" is "Last Will and Temperament", in which the late Arthur Muldoon, through his lawyer (Paul Chato), vents his frustration on his useless relatives:
    • We are introduced to the prospective heirs - Arthur's alcoholic brother Hedge (Dan Redican), his histrionic sister Jenny (Carolyn Scott) and her drippy husband Hank (Peter Wildman), his smug nephew Ralston (Rick Green), and his devoted housekeeper Mrs. Mulroy (Carolyn Scott again). His bequest to Jenny and Hank sets the tone:
      Lawyer: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's last will and testament.
      Hedge: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon.
      Jenny: (theatrical sobs) Oh, poor dear Arthur! (wails)
      Hank: Oh, there, there, Jenny...
      Ralston: (utterly uninterested) God, how predictably boring.
      Mrs. Mulroy: I never worked for a kinder man.
      Lawyer: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
      Ralston: I knew it. (Hedge chuckles)
      Lawyer: "I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body..."
      Hedge: That's a laugh! Ha ha!
      Lawyer: "... do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Jenny..." (Jenny wails loudly)
      Hank: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us.
      Jenny: (stops wailing immediately) Oh.
      Lawyer: "... who grubbed with her husband Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."
      Jenny: What??
      Lawyer: "... to Jenny, I leave... a boot to the head."
      Jenny: A what!? (wh-thunk) Ow!
      Hank: Jenny, are you okay?
      Lawyer: "And another boot to her wimpy husband, Hank." (wh-thunk)
      Hank: OW! (Hedge laughs)
      Jenny: This is an outrage!
      Lawyer: "Ah, but still... you are my sister... you have both admired my Rolls-Royce, and since I no longer need it..."
      Jenny: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind!
      Lawyer: "I bequeathe... another boot to the head."
      Jenny: What?! (wh-thunk) OW! (Hedge laughs again)
      Lawyer: "And one more for the wimp." (wh-thunk)
      Hank: Oww!
    • Though his words for Hedge are harsher, his bequest seems kinder - at first:
      Lawyer: "Next to my alcoholic brother..."
      Hedge: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!
      Lawyer: "To dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life..."
      Hedge: I'm coverin' up my head!
      Lawyer: "... I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey."
      Hedge: ... really?
      Lawyer: "And a boot to the head." (wh-thunk)
      Hedge: Ohh!
      Lawyer: "And another for Jenny and the wimp."
      Jenny: (wh-thunk) Ugh!
      Hank: (wh-thunk) Ohh!
    • Ralston knows what's coming, so the late Arthur doesn't beat about the bush:
      Lawyer: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew Ralston..."
      Ralston: This is so predictable...
      Lawyer: "I leave a boot to the head." (wh-thunk)
      Ralston: Ugh... I knew it!
      Lawyer: "And one for Jenny and the wimp."
      Jenny: (wh-thunk) Uhh!
      Hank: (wh-thunk) Ohh!
    • His bequests to non-family members are just as sociopathic, if not more so:
      Lawyer: "This takes care of family obligations. And now to Mrs. Mulroy."
      Mrs. Mulroy: Oh, ah... I don't want nothin'.
      Lawyer: "Who took care of me faithfully these many, many years... who cared... made me laugh... brought me tea..."
      Mrs. Mulroy: Oh, I didn't mind!
      Lawyer: "To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeathe... a boot to the head." (wh-thunk)
      Mrs. Mulroy: Ohh!
      Lawyer: "And one for Jenny and the wimp!"
      Jenny: (wh-thunk) Aagh!
      Hank: (wh-thunk) Ohh!
      Lawyer: "And so to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the head." (wh-thunk; pained meow)
    • The will proves to have a few twists in the tail:
      Lawyer: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head... but a rabid Tasmanian devil!? To be placed in his trousers?!" (roaring and growling; the lawyer yelps in pain and begins speaking more quickly and urgently) "And - and - and I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!"
      Hank: Is that it?
      Ralston: That's it?
      Hedge: That's disgraceful! (murmurs of agreement)
      Lawyer: There's one last thing for everyone.
      Hedge: Cover your heads, everybody!
      Lawyer: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."
      Hank: Ice cream.
      Hedge: Ice cream?
      Ralston: Ice cream... that's all?
      Lawyer: That's all.
      Mrs. Mulroy: Well, what flavour is it?
      Lawyer: Boot to the head. (sound of many boots to the head and cries of surprise and pain)

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