Funny: Tales of the Five Hundred Kingdoms
The Fairy Godmother
- Godmother Elena on Unicorns:
"They are like highly bred lapdogs. One is sweet, two are amusing, but after the next thirteen you are having uncharitable thoughts involving deep ponds and burlap sacks."
One Good Knight
- After the unicorns show up and reveal Georgina's true gender, you get this little gem:
Unicorn: "Cousin? Why is the Warrior Maiden beating her forehead upon the tree?"
- Later, the unicorn's explanation for why they're following Andie and co. is a little Fridge Horrory hilarious:
"Alas," Florien said mournfully, "these are the lands of the Satyrs. Virgins are exceedingly difficult to find."Gina choked.
- The description of Baba Yaga's laugh is kind of funny.... If you're in to that sort of thing or have passing knowledge of The Joker
…Then he heard a wild, high pitched cackling that made the hair stand up on the back of his neck. It wasn’t sane, that laugh. In fact, it was the laughter of someone who never had more than a nodding acquaintance with sanity.
- The Sea-King to Sasha.
“Oh for the sake of all that is sane, do stop.”
- Compounded by his later statements to the guards- “And stop ‘sniffling’.”
- After Sasha gets off the dragon ride.
When he slid shakily down off Adamant’s back once they were on the mainland, it was with two conflicting feelings. He wanted to do it again immediately. He never wanted to do it again, not under any circumstances.
- Katschei’s heart holder
“There was an oak tree in the forecourt—it’s gone now. There was a dragon curled around the foot of a tree. In the tree was a chest. In the chest was a fox in the fox was a rabbit, in the rabbit was another duck, in the duck was an egg and in the egg was his heart. You had to get past the dragon, climb the tree, open the chest, kill the fox before it got away, then kill the rabbit, then kill the duck and break the egg.”Katya’s brows rose. “Good heavens. That just shrieks ‘I am an important hiding place look into me!’ Why didn’t he just put a big sign on a tree that said My Heart Is Up Here?”
- Katya’s cursing- apparently it involves calling someone a “noodle-spined bar sinister son of a blind camel and cactus.”
- “Horses,” he murmured. “Drive now, canoodle later. Ditch bad, bed good.”
The Snow Queen
The Sleeping Beauty
- Siegfried casually dissuading pickpockets mid-conversation.
Siegfried: And I will have to break some bones. That probably will discourage the rest. It is difficult to ply the trade of thief with a broken hand, and weighing the odds of small profit from me against high probability of not being able to cut purses for a month, they will leave me a—
(Grabs another would-be pickpocket, breaks the man's arm with one hand, and drops him; all without turning around and barely breaking his stride)
Siegfried: —lone. Well, that took less time than I thought. This must be a very sophisticated city.
- Leopold. Cursed necklace. Singing. Fun times everyone, fun times.
- To clarify: as part of an engagement challenge, Leopold was given a cursed necklace and told to add it to a dragon's hoard. It slowly turned him into a drooping, gothy Dreadful Musician who could only sing about the weight of his blighted hopes crushing him. He and a companion were able to bypass the dragon simply because the beast was laughing too hard and wanted to thank them for the best laugh in years.
- The funniest parts were the scathing comments of the Bird while Leopold sang dreadfully about his woes. "Your mother dropped you on your head."; "Your brains are soaked in brine"; "She kicked you on the ... knee.". Siegfried is choking with suppressed laughter which is made worse when Leopold accuses him and the snarky bird of 'ruining' his art. Rosamund, who is watching them on a mirror is practically dying with hilarity.
- Maybe funny in a dark way... but Siegfried's own curse was to have amphibians and reptiles "spring from his lips" (or more like two inches from his mouth, thank god). When the dragon tried to get them to turn away, Siegfried, nerves frayed from dealing with Leopold's emo behavior and bad singing, unleashed a very impolite, very angry speech at the dragon... resulting in a cascade of frogs, toads and the occasional snake falling off the side of a mountain as the dragon watched in interest.
- To cap the matter off, once Leopold is free of the curse....
- The end when Leopold is married to Brunnhilde, Siegfried's Aunt. What does Brunnhilde yell to her father as he flies off?
Brunnhilde: " Leo makes love like a tiger!"Her father: "I—can't—hear—you—!"
- The extended Take That at Der Ring des Nibelungen, delivered by Brunnhilde herself, at the end.
- The usual Heroic classification of birds is described as "good to eat," "not good to eat," and "singing while I have a hangover, kill it with a rock."
- There's a Brick Joke later when the Bird is talking with Rosa and Lily about how it's quite rare for Heroes of Drachenthal (who are mighty of thew, small of brain, and not kind at all) to take good advice and they tend to try to kill helpful birds by throwing rocks. Then the Bird notes, "Of course, the fact that we can only get their attention when they have hangovers might contribute to that."
- Leopold and Siegfried taking a ride on the forest and chance upon a beautiful unicorn who immediately stares with adoration at Siegfried and want to put her head on his lap. Leo understandably falls off his horse laughing.
Beauty and the Werewolf
- Protagonist Isabella contacting Godmother Elena by magic mirror, only to be put on "hold," complete with the visual equivalent of Muzak.