Funny / Storage Wars

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    Dave Hester 
  • In the stinger for "Enemy of My Enemy" Dave is kidding around with one of the lighting systems he had appraised, acting like Dan the auctioneer.
    Dave: I don't have much of a life.
  • In "Here's Looking At You, Kenny", Dave comments about being so good at bidding everyone else up that Dan and Laura should give him a cut of their commission.
    Dave: I think I'll give Dan and Laura a call and ask about my commission. It'll become American Auctioneers and Dave.
    Dan: That is never going to happen.
  • In "Buy, Buy Birdie", Dave goes into silent bidding mode to royally screw with Barry, standing just behind him to bid and making him paranoid in the process.

    Jarrod Schulz/Brandi Passante 
  • "Melee in the Maze" has Brandi (then unknown to the other bidders) come to the auction with Jarrod. She bids on a locker, and just as Dan goes to call her the winner, Jarrod asks who has the bid. In response, Dan deadpans, "Your wife." While Jarrod, having given the game away, laughs in the background, Darrell and Dave's reactions are priceless.
    Darrell: What?
    Dave: She's Jarrod's wife?
  • In "Santa Ana Street Fight", after winning a unit that had a kayak in it, Brandi was trying it out with Jarrod teasing her along side. He tipped it over, and she fell in. He was laughing, but he also knew "It would be a LONG ride home."
  • One unit in "Bowling for Dollars" had Jarrod and Brandi find pictures of a naked guy with the "nasty bits" blurred out. A lot of raunchy lines and least one joke about disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner was implied.
    • Jarrod went, "You know my kids watch this show," which had Brandi reply, "Oh, I need to wash my hands."
    • In the stinger for "Skullduggery" while they're cleaning out the locker they bought, they find a vibrator in a purse. After several jokes, it's heavily implied that it's not the first time that's happened.
  • Jarrod and Brandi argue over locker price caps a lot. An example, from "Skullduggery":
    Jarrod: I can do this all day. I know how to count to 20!
    Brandi: I'll kidney punch your ass.
  • "Total Wine Domination" had Jarrod and Brandi discover a very uniquely-designed urinal (looking like a human mouth) in a locker. The appraiser tells a Dutch female designer made it, and could either be flipped for $2,500, or held until the right buyer came to put up $5,000 for it. (It's enough to "win" the episode.)

    Darrell Sheets 
  • Darrell buys a locker and finds a bunch of anger-control medication and high-powered ammo clips, and cheerfully comments that it must have been rented by Dave.
  • Darrell in "Viva La San Francisco": "We'll have to see what the Teletubby (Dave) wants to do."
    • Darrell again, this time in "Operation Hobo": "I'm [Dave] starving for attention!"
  • In "Fu Dog Day Afternoon", Darrell finds a mint in package turntable and speakers. When he brings them to be appraised, they're plugged in and he dances to the music. When he's told how much they're worth, he happily dances out the door.
    • A favorable appraisal for the automated bridge table makes Darrell dance too.
  • "Auction Sesame" has Darrell criticizing Brandi and Jarrod's choice of clothing, saying Jarrod looks like he's going to prison and Brandi looks like she's going to her 8th grade prom. Brandon looks at him after he's finished and says, "Look at us. What are we, the tanktop twins or what?"
  • The stinger for "Not Your Average Bear" has Darrell embarrass the heck out of himself when he thinks that an older gentleman nearby is Barry in disguise. It isn't.
  • After Dave makes certain remarks about Barry's psychic friends in "Midnight in the Gardena Good and Evil", Darrell replies with, "That was offensive. Who *bleep* in your Wheaties?"

    Barry Weiss 
  • In "Land of the Loss" the end credits had him playing the electric organ he won in a locker, and acting like he was a nightclub entertainer (and oddly enough, so were the appraisers he ended up giving the organ to).
  • He pulled out a few of what he thought were "chia pets" as the end credits in "Almost the Greatest Show on Earth" showed info for the "Barry Shopping Network."
  • "Unclaimed Baggage" had the immortal line "$1,500 is a lot to pay for some head." (Dave hears this and can't stop giggling.)
  • "Drone Wars" had Barry trying to use a drone with a camera attached to look deep into outside lockers. Unfortunately, it crashed in the locker and since flying aircraft with cameras are attached, Barry wasn't allowed to bid and the drone became part of the unit. Darrell did give the drone back to Barry for free.
  • In "Auction Sesame" he joked to Jarrod that he likes to dip his cigar in brandy.note 
  • "Smoke 'Em If You Find 'Em" had a dash of Heartwarming to its stinger—Barry tells Brandi he likes her hairstyle, but she says Jarrod hates it, thinking "It makes me look homely." Barry puts a sympathetic arm around her and kisses the top of her head, and tells Jarrod "You don't know what you're talking about." Jarrod's response? "You're just tired of paying for it, Barry," and even Brandi is amazed Jarrod zinged Barry with it.
  • "Hook, Line and Sucker" had Barry, Dave, Dan and Nabila pre-auction in its stinger, cutting up amid the coffee and doughnuts. Barry zings Dave for going back for more while Nabila helps him with his own doughnut. (Dan hopes Barry's teeth didn't come out from the doughnut.)
  • In "Melee in the Maze", Barry forgets about the auction and is featured in the stinger attempting to run a motorized shopping cart up on two wheels.
  • In the stinger for "Brandi's First Time", Dave is talking to the camera when Barry starts yelling at him in the background. The camera turns, to find Barry peering out of a small window on the side of a nearby building. He'd managed to get locked in the bathroom, and was yelling for Dave to come let him out. Dave proceeds to joke about adding bars to the window.
  • In the stinger for "Trouble the Oil", Barry buys a minibike without a motor for $50. Dave comes into the scene to heckle him, pushes him around on the minibike (Barry quips "Somebody should get a picture of David Hester actually helping his neighbor!"), then they stage a race: the minibike versus Dave's frankenbike with three flat tires. Dave runs over Barry's foot midway through.
  • In one interview cut in "I'm the New Mogul", Barry refers to Jarrod and Darrell as "Jarrell and Darrod". In the stinger for that episode, he catches his error and laughs, saying they should use it to see if people are paying attention.
  • In the stinger for one episode, Barry asks if it's a closed set. When told yes, he then asks who's getting naked, him or the cameraman. When the cameraman says "Both," he spittakes.
  • In "Highland Anxiety", Barry starts bidding everyone up, making a comment about scaring all the fish out of the buying pool. Then Dave starts bidding.
    Barry: Oh man. Not the barracuda!
  • In "Winner Winner Chicken Dinner", Barry goes to get chicken sunglasses appraised. He takes his chicken car. In the stinger, he's eating fried chicken in the chicken car.
  • Barry and Stewart Copeland goof off with the drum set Barry purchased in the stinger for "Don't Bid So Close to Me".
  • Barry and Dan pick on Brandon, claiming he's wearing a wire, in the stinger for "Stairway to Hemet".
  • In "Live and Let Bid", Barry arrives to the auction dressed in all green. A decidedly Irish tune is even played as he arrives, and several jokes follow.
    Jarrod: All I wanna know is, where's your pot of gold?
    Barry: In one of these lockers!
  • Barry arriving at the auction disguised as a hobo in "Operation Hobo".
  • In "From Russia With Chucks", Barry shows up on what looks like a cross between a cruise ship and a van, dressed like a ship captain and driving from the top. The moment he disembarks, Brandi asks him how many hookers he can fit in it, to which Barry replies, "Side by side or end to end?"
    Jarrod: I really don't think it's a good idea for Barry to drive while he's that high.
  • In "C for Chupacabra" Barry winds up buying a locker for $1. At the end of the auction he pays Dan and Laura in change.
  • In "Buy, Buy Birdie", not only does Barry lose money on a locker containing pigeon racing items, he leaves the appraiser's only to discover that his car had been pooped on by birds. A lot of birds.
    Barry: Son of a bitch!
  • Also from "Buy, Buy Birdie," while the bidding was going on, Barry noticed he was getting outbid by someone, and kept looking back to see who it was, unable to find the culprit...who turned out to be none other than Dave, standing right behind him and bidding him up without his typical "YUUUUP!" It took Barry about five or six looks to finally realize who it was.
  • In "Portrait of the Gambler", Barry finally takes a piece of his mom's advice to heart: He bid on most of the lockers blindfolded. The locker he did get, he kept the blindfold on while closing it out, referring to it as a "blind date".
  • "Gambler's Last Resort" had the men around the blackjack table, teasing Barry (who had no luck with there or the auctions, the narrator implies) at the end. Dave asks, "So Barry, do you feel like an entrepreneur?"
    Barry: More like a pile of manure.
  • In the stinger to "Viva La San Francisco", Barry driving up to what we think is his mansion, only for a woman coming out asking if she could help him. Barry admits he's at the wrong house and hastily beats a retreat, with the cameraman asking him "Whose house was that?"
  • In a recent stinger, Barry takes a few swigs of brandy from his "bar in the box", proclaiming "The brandy's delicious..." only in the Confession Cam he has to clarify that he meant "The drink..." but most people probably thought he was referring (or wish he was referring) to that Brandi.
  • "Total Wine Domination" had Barry bring his accountant (on what would be a rare day Barry made cash) to an auction, and they found BDSM items. Taking them to a Dominatrix to get them appraised, she lets them know the value was $700 (enough to make a profit off of). Since the accountant was a big pain, Barry and the Mistress had him up in a harness...then after the favorable appraisal, they go off for a drink. Leaving the accountant to "hang around" for a bit.
    • In The Stinger, some fans see Barry on the road and ask for a photo op. Oh, Barry...

  • Ever-present pain in the rump Mark ends up delivering one when he thinks he's found an original Nintendo Entertainment System worth over $13,000... something Darrell rightly calls him on and comes along to watch... and finds that not only is it not worth that much, but that due to a number of factors (including the facts that it was not in its original packaging, a dead giveaway to any collector, and, most damningly, did not even work) was worth a whopping $10. Not $10,000, ten bucks.
  • In one episode, Dave isn't present but one of the other auctioneers lets out a loud YUP! that spooks Barry. He comments that he thought for a second that Dave was actually there and Dan, without missing a beat, says in his typical Motor Mouth delivery "YouThoughtHeWasGoneYouThoughtItWasSafeToComeOutsideButItWasn't!"
  • One unnamed background bidder is seen several times in "Smoke 'Em If You Find 'Em" bidding with a rubber chicken. The same bidder pops up later in the episode, bidding by going "Cuckoo!"
  • In "Pay the Lady" when Laura takes over for a sick Dan conducting the auctions, Jarrod comments that he didn't know she could talk that fast too and wonders if they have fights like that at their home. "Over in a second."
  • In "Buyers on the Storm", opening bids are being accepted for a locker. Jarrod offers $100. Without missing a beat, Dan replies with "Bless your cheap heart." Later, Dan interrupts Dave's rather long "YUUUUUUUUUUUP!".
    Dave: "I didn't even get to finish my yup!"
  • "Chairman of the Hoard" manages to rack up three in the space of a single locker auction.
    • Darrell comments on a potty seat as being a "Dave Hester picture frame".
    • Dave asks multiple times who has the bid, then asks if Dan's lying to him. Dan says he would, but at that moment he wasn't. Turned out that Dan had lost track of who actually had the bid, then mistakenly awards the locker to Dave. Confusion ensues, and Dave's baffled.
    • When the locker's put back up for auction, Brandi bids on it with a loud "YUUUUUUUP!", cracking up Jarrod.
  • In one of the crossover promotions for Barter Kings, the Barter Kings characters impress Barry and Darrell with how they can start out with a guitar and end up with a nice car, all without paying a dime. After they drive off, Barry and Darrell notice that they've left the guitar behind, and promptly swipe it, talking about how they can probably get some good money for it.
  • Barry's friend, Kenny the storage unit security guard turned "Praline King", is a Crowning Moment of Funny. Pretty much everything he says is just flat-out hilarious.
    • In one auction, they come across an inflatable hot tub. Once it's appraised for $400, Kenny offers to buy it from Barry. The Stinger for that episode has Barry meet Kenny at his praline company, and Kenny's enjoying the hot tub.
  • The commercials advertising Dave's return to the show featured negative reactions from most of the buyers, until it cut to Ivy...
    Ivy: I don't even know who that is!
  • One episode has Laura the auctioneer relentlessly keeping a positive attitude while dealing with the returned Dave, until the auction is over, at which point she starts raging and kicking the piles of prop-boxes in the background of the interview set.
  • "An Auction Too Far" sees atrocious locker after atrocious locker completely fail to sell.