Funny / Shephards Mind

• Episode Zero:
  • Taking a page out of Ross' book, Krismin made an episode 0 with the tutorial. At one point he starts singing the Smurf's theme but replaces every sound with the word "guns". Then there's his reaction to have to go through the mandatory "getting shot with a shotgun" test.
  • Jackson's lack of focus and Shephard's terrible leadership skills.
  • "Hey guys. Are you feeling just a little bit... expendable? Or is it just me?
• Episode One:
  • "Is that the Sergent? I'm not gonna miss a chance to see him in pain!"
• Episode Two:
  • *finds a Vortigant with a knife in its back* "Oh my God... Is that a knife?" *five seconds later* "HOLY FREAKING CRAP, IS THAT AN ALIEN?!"
  • Tries to whistle, but fails.
    Shephard: FUCK, I wish I could whistle!
  • Thus starts his rein as a dropper of the Cluster F-Bomb.
  • Shephard's a gamer.
    Shephard: *stabs head crab* Attack the weak point for massive damage.
  • I could've been at a barbecue! *kicks dead alien*
• Episode Three:
  • The Running Gag, "Electrified Toxic Waste," starts here.
    Shephard: "High voltage"? *throws head up* I guess this is where they make the ELECTIFIED toxic waste! It's more dangerous than the sum of its parts!
  • I'm the Nostradamus of FUCKING up!
• Episode Four:
  • This:
    Otis: Fighting aliens is not on my job description.
    Shephard: Yeah, but it probably looks great on your resumé.
• Episode Five:
  • Shephard finds a phone and tries to call for help. It doesn't go well.
    Shephard: Yes, thank you, please put me on with your supervisor- NO DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD! [slams phone] RRRGH JUST DIE! [fires pistol]
    Shephard: [calmly, to the scientist, who awkwardly looks up at the ceiling] The phone's dead. *Hard Cut to intro*
  • "I wanna know who this "Freeman" character is, and why he's got everyone so riled up. I bet he's like some evil scientist who drops people down elevator shafts, or collects human skulls, or something... Actually, nah, he's probably just a nerd."
  • "I'm going to shove [The G-Man's] briefcase so far up his ass he'll have to open his mouth to scan his ID!"
  • Shepard's Imagine Spot where he kills a trio of Vortigaunts with his bare hands. Cut to him running around and wildly firing an MP5 while screaming instead.
• Episode Six:
  • Okay, so your whole advice was aliens are attacking and I should leave. Thanks for the update, dumbass!
• Episode Eight:
  • (Sees Freeman's Employee of the Month photo) "Yeah, yeah, how's that working out for ya now? I bet that guy's wishing he'd taken the opening of a high school science teacher right about now."
  • Shephard gets choked by an Barnacle then claims he shoot the next one he sees right off the bat just AS HE WALKS INTO ANOTHER ONE.
  • More electrified toxic waste.
    Shephard: Oh for Christ's sake... You know, I just wonder what the going rate is for a barrel of electrified toxic waste. It's obviously pretty high. Maybe they're using it as some kind of alternate energy source.
  • After getting shot at by Black Ops for the first time:
    Shephard: Wait, wait! Just wait a second! It's me! It's Corporal Shephard!
    (They continue shooting at him.)
    Shephard: AAAHH!! I mean, I mean, I mean Corporal — Corporal Swanson!
• Episode Nine:
  • The friendly fire incident.
    Shephard: Damn it, it's another turret. *takes a shot towards the gun forgetting the engineer in there. soldier explodes* Beat OH SHIT, I think I hit that guy's gas tank! Is he okay- *glances in and sees gibs and blood* Oh my God, not again...
    Medic: Recon team: check in!
    Shephard: Check in? *looks in the door* ... Uh, I don't think he can hear you, dude.
    Medic: Man, my dogs are BARKING!
  • Shephard starts taking Black Ops agents out by shooting them in the groin and not just the guys, but the women too!
  • Shephard's many ill-advised attempts to hit on the female black-ops assassins:
    "Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket? Because you JUST SHOT ME IN THE KNEE! OW!"
    • It doesn't help that he hits on them AFTER shooting three of their comrades in the groin right in front of them.
  • Then the soldier with Shephard says the area is secure, but while Shephard charges his suit you can hear the soldier getting his ass handed to him by a Black Ops agent.
    "Aah, what the HELL! I thought you said it was secure!"
  • Shephard sneaking up on a Black Ops ambush by hiding behind a crate. Then he accidentally backs into another room in plain sight of a couple of Black Ops soldiers and freaks out and fires his gun everywhere (even better, the soldiers don't even react until he opens fire.)
• Episode Ten:
  • A nice little Call-Back to the Chocolate Bar.
    Scientist: (over the intercom) It's ready, you must hurry!
    Shephard: Who's there?! Come out where I can see you! I have a half-melted chocolate bar and I'm not afraid to eat it! ... Cause- cause it'd be good...
    Scientist: (over the intercom) Hurry up Freeman! I can't keep it open forever.
    Shephard: Did he just say Freeman?! OHHH, it is my lucky day, I'm going to kick this guy's ass so fucking hard! HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU BIG ORANGE FUCK/BACKRUBS! *Freeman jumps into the portal*
  • Shephard has just pulled off an admittedly sweet kill, and is more than a little pleased with himself:
    Shephard: DUDE. NICE. Ho-oh-oh, that could not have gone better for me! That was a classic decoy maneuver. He was all like, "Oh shit, a grenade!", and I was all like, "You should have been paying attention to me!", and he was all like, "Oh shit, a gun!", and I was all like, "BANG!", and he was all like, "Oh fuck, I'm dead". ADRIAN WINS. FLAWLESS VICTORY.
• Episode Eleven:
  • Shephard tries to make small talk with a scientist:
    Shephard: So, hey, do you...do you read any Terry Pratchett?
    Scientist: (Killed by an exploding door)
    Shephard: ...Okay, what does exploding mean? Is it "yes"? Do you explode twice if you want to say "no"?
• Episode Twelve:
  • The entire conversation with Barney while he's trapped in the locker.
    • "One, one, one... no. One, one, two. No. One, one..."
    • Barney revealing that the electrified radioactive waste is an ingredient for Red Bull.
    • Even better, in Barney's Mind, Barney reveals he was bushitting that part after he goes to look for a way to get Sheppard out.
    • And after he realizes the doors opens inward and gets out, "Oh, GOD! I'm a moron!"
• Episode Thirteen:
  • [after being ported out of the floor]:
    "Where are my pants?!
    [*ZAP!*]
    "Oh there they are."
• Episode Fifteen:
  • ADRIAN KICKS ASS
• Episode Sixteen:
  • (after finding out that his Spore Launcher pet doubles as a rocket launcher) "This is my weird slime spitting alien gun thing. There are many like it, but this one is mine."
• Episode Seventeen:
  • (Notices 4 dead marines right next to some aliens) "Come on, get up Williams! Hey! Damn it. Jones! Maxwell! (notices the fourth body) Err, ummm, Well... I don't remember your name. But you're dead too, that sucks!"
  • When he's on a bridge...
    "What the fuck does that mean, what obstruction? [notices the Pit Worm] Oh. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
• Episode Eighteen:
  • Just before Gordon's Oxycontin fully kicks in.
    "Oh my god, this is the single best ladder I have ever climbed in my entire life. I love this ladder, it's so... good. I just wan- I just wanna stay here. Climbing it forever. I-I'm just gonna take a minute to sit here, because of how good this ladder is. This ladder is so awesome. I want to find whoever built this ladder and just give him a hug, y'know? Wow!"
• Episode Nineteen:
  • (hanging on to a ladder) "What's that ladder? You want me to take my clothes off?"
• Episode Twenty-One:
  • Shephard thinks that all the skeletons in the room he is in are talking to him:
    Soldier: [off screen] I got a bad feeling about this mission...
    Shephard: [thinking it's the skeleton] AHHH! What the hell? Oh my God! I'm being haunted by the ghosts of the marines that died because of me!
    Same Soldier: I was told to guard this area.
    Shephard: [still talking to the skeleton] I know... you were just following orders. It wasn't your fault, marine. [sits down next to the skeleton and starts crying]
  • Shephard's plans his squad tactics like a typical MMO game:
    "Now here's the plan. I'll run DPS, Mr. Loudmouth is our tank, the engineer is support and crowd control, and the medic can be our personal heal-bot. I'll pull the mob into this room. Engineer, I want to see DOTs all over these guys. And Medic, watch your aggro. [gets shot by a Shock Trooper] Jeez! I am so not geared for this instance!"
• Episode Twenty-Five:
  • And now from the season finale, a moment that is actually more of a crowning moment of awesome till the end...
    Shephard: "All right. I was never a good marine. I couldn't protect the people under my command. I never caught Freeman. I couldn't go fifteen meters without running into some insurmountable delay. I didn't earn my advanced training or even my rank as Corporal. Some guys just dropped it on me! I'm not even fighting for a cause, I just don't want to die. All the good things I did today were just because I was backed into a corner and could only keep charging forward."
    [music starts up]
    Shephard: "If I die today, nobody's gonna remember. Adrian Shepherd might as well never have existed. And you know what? I refuse to believe that this overconvoluted clusterfuck of a disaster happened just so I could get eaten by a giant squid in a dusty ventilation shaft! So screw it. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna fight, and I'm gonna fucking win! Come and get me yo-"
    [Music cuts off, Shepherd runs back into hiding.]
    Shephard: "Ow! Leg cramp, leg cramp, ow! Jeez! Ow, damn! Man! I really need to remember to limber up before this kind of crap. Anyway, have at you!"
  • "Can I go home now? -This isn't my house." It's the delivery that sells it.
  • "S-s-sorry, I got a (hhhhh) s-space leach in my th-th-throat."
  • This gem: "Why is everything collapsing? What the fuck!? Was it a load bearing squid?"

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