Funny / Not the Nine O'Clock News

  • The 'Constable Savage' sketch.
    Police Chief: In short, Savage, in the space of one month you have brought one-hundred and seventeen ridiculous, trumped-up and ludicrous charges.
    Constable Savage: Yes sir.
    Police Chief: (Beat) Against the same man, Savage.
    • Later:
      Police Chief: Savage, why do you keep arresting this man?
      Savage: He's a villain, sir. And, and a jailbird, sir.
      Police Chief: I know he's a jailbird, Savage, he's down in the cells now! We're holding him on "possession of curly black hair and thick lips".
  • The Swedish Chemist's Shop.
  • A sketch based on the long-running BBC 1 religious series Songs Of Praise has a vicar admonish his congregation for only turning up to worship service when it's going to be on television.
  • The "Stout Life" sketch, especially when Rowan Atkinson's character ("This is Ron Miller of the extremist group F.L.A.B., 'Fat Louts Against Bikinis'!") begins heckling the panel:
    Ron Miller: Look at this slimming magazine... slimming magazine! This isn't a million miles from Adolf Hitler was trying to do! We demand a fat Prime Minister, more obesity in the media, the banning of the word 'ample', we want the force-feeding of skinnies!
    George Fletcher: Ron, you're doing the movement more harm than good! Now, sit down!
    Miller: Where was the Reverend Whiston at Notting Hill Gate in '79 during the worst flab riots this country's ever seen?
    Rev. Whiston: I hardly think that's...
    Miller: Organising plump discos, I expect!
  • The Question Time sketch, in which the panellists are informed that the Soviet Union has just launched 50,000 megatons of nuclear warheads against Britain, which will be arriving in approximately four and a half minutes. Highlights include:
    Lord Carrington: You see, Great Britian is not an island —
    Sir Robin Day: Actually, I'm afraid it is Peter.
    Lord Carrington: — And we have to weigh up the pros and cons and get them to balance, and I would say that on the balance, the world is about to be devastated... by nuclear... by nuclear... by nuclear... er...
    Sir Robin Day: Er, holocaust?
    Lord Carrington: Yes, er, holocaust you mentioned earlier. Now, some may think that's a bad thing, others might quite like the idea, I don't know. Don't come to me asking for a short answer to that one.
    Sir Robin Day: Yes, well I wish I never had.

    Rudolph Bead, MP: Help! Help, we're all going to die!
    Sir Robin Day: Yes, well, short and to the point as usual.

    Frances Morrell: Well, I'm amazed, we're sitting here talking about a nuclear holocaust, casually discussing the destruction of the entire planet, and ignoring the major issue, which is the appalling record of this Conservative government. The real tragedy here is that three million people will die... unemployed.

    Clive Jenkins: Robin, my members —
    Sir Robin Day: Yes, thank you very much, Clive —
    Clive Jenkins: No, I will have my say!
    Sir Robin Day: Yes, if you must.
    Clive Jenkins: At a moment like this I wonder what Nye Bevannote  would have done, and I'm pretty sure he would have shat in his pants.
  • The "Nasty Headmaster" sketch, where Rowan Atkinson's headmaster character desperately wants to cane a graduating student. Most of the sketch is incredibly dark humor, especially now. But the end!
    Headmaster: You've been asking for this for some time, Africa!
  • The "Life of Christ" sketch, which makes fun of the then-contemporary debate about Monty Python's Life of Brian by having a film about some guy named Jesus Christ that is clearly a lampoon of the comic Messiah himself, John Cleese.
  • Atkinson plays Jean-Pierre, a TV panelist who turns a discussion on the functionality of the British Museum into a rant on the potential sexual imagery of other London landmarks.
    Jean-Pierre: Nelson's Column?! PAH!! It is Nelson's WILLY!
  • Gerald the Gorilla. "Wild? I was absolutely livid!"
  • Drunk darts.