Funny / Miracle on 34th Street

• Susan and Fred debating the existence of giants while watching a balloon of a giant baseball player float by during the parade.
  Susan: Sometimes people grow very large, but that's abnormal.
• When Susan asks Doris what happened to the man previously hired to play Santa in the parade, Doris asks her if she remembers the drunken janitor from a New Year's Eve party. Susan says she does, so Doris tells her she found the parade performer in an even worse condition.
• When Doris is trying to convince Susan there is no Santa Claus.
  Susan: But when he spoke Dutch to that girl he was just so-
  Doris: Susan, I speak French, but that doesn't make me Joan of Arc!
• Little Susan pretending to be a monkey!
• He may technically be one of the "bad guys" but it's hard not to feel sorry for the district attorney, especially when he starts talking like this.
  Mrs. Mara: Sometimes I wish I married a butcher or a plumber.
  District Attorney: My dear, if I lose this hearing, you may very well get your wish.
• When District Attorney Mara's son is called to the witness stand, he turns to his wife in bewilderment. They have an entire conversation with looks and gestures and you know exactly what they said to each other.
  • The fact that Fred subpoenaed the DA’s son.
• Kris attempting to blow bubble gum. It's classic that we don't see this attempt, only Susan's reactions to it, and the cut to his efforts to remove the gum from his beard.
• Everything involving the judge and his campaign manager.
  • Particularly the exchange in which the campaign manager explains to the Judge what will happen if he rules that there is no Santa Claus. He describes all the businesses and organizations that rely on Santa's image, and how all of them will vote against the Judge in the next election. He ends by telling the Judge that if he rules there is no Santa Claus, then he will only get two votes: his own, and the District Attorney's^note making it clear that not even his campaign manager is going to vote for him.
    Judge: (sadly shaking his head) The District Attorney's a Republican.
  • Earlier in the movie, Judge Harper is at his home, where his campaign manager is trying to tell him this case is political suicide for him. In the middle of all this, Harper's visiting grandchildren enter the room, having been gotten ready for bed by their grandma. Harper holds out his arms asking the two for a goodnight kiss... and the two march by him with an angry "hmph!" The Judge expresses his bafflement that his own grandchildren would snub him like this... and his wife snaps back, "I don't blame them. Any man who'd put Santa Claus on trial for lunacy!" Poor guy is just getting it from ALL sides!
• Julian's plot to get his wife drunk so she'd accept Kris as a house guest and telling Doris that he'll call when his wife's "plaster - er, feeling better."
• This one's a small moment that might pass by some people, but...
  Shellhammer: Maybe he's only a little crazy. Like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington!
• When Fred Gailey calls the DA's 8-year-old son to the stand;
  District Attorney: Objection!
  Judge: (in a sing-song tone) O-VER-ruled.
• Doris and Shellhammer's massive Oh, Crap! moment after Mr. Macy congratulated them on hiring Kris:
  Doris: I fired him.
  Shellhammer: Who?
  Doris: Santa Claus.
  Shellhammer: WHAT?!
  • When Doris tries to explain herself, stating that Kris is crazy and thinks he is Santa Claus, Shellhammer retorts, "I don't care if he thinks he's the Easter Bunny!"
• When Doris rehires him, Kris explains his mission and why he's glad to have run into Doris and Susan:
  Kris: You're like the whole thing in miniature.
  Doris: (palpable uncertainty) We are?
  • Followed by the sidelong-looks she gives him as he gives his spiel about the Christmas spirit.
• Kris' psychological evaluation with Dr. Sawyer. He notes Sawyer's multitude of nervous habits, and flips the script by questioning him about his psychological well-being and home life!
  • When Sawyer accidentally repeats a question, Kris gently brings it to his attention, noting, "The answer's at the bottom [of the page]."
  • When Sawyer asks Kris how many fingers he's holding up, Kris reaches across the desk and begins examining his hands.
    Kris: Oh, you bite your nails, too! (clucks tongue)
  • Needless to say, Sawyer isn't happy about this and quickly ends the exam. As Kris leaves, Sawyer pointedly informs him that he's been happily married for many years. As soon as the door closes behind Kris, however, Sawyer picks up the phone to call Doris to his office — and ends up in a phone call with his wife:
    Sawyer: (Irritable) Agnes, how many times have I told you not to bother me at the office? (Pause.) No! Not a penny! I give you a liberal allowance and I expect you to run the house on it! If that fat stupid brother of yours would get a job, you wouldn't have to keep pestering me all the time! (Slams down phone.)
• Doris has asked for Kris' employment card to learn his real name. Too bad the card says "Kris Kringle," but that's not all. He gives his date of birth as "As old as my tongue and a little bit older than my teeth" and lists the eight reindeer as his next of kin. Doris looks up in shock, then she tries to get Susan away from this nutjob, using a gentle voice as she tries to not trigger whatever psychotic behavior Kris may be susceptible to.
• In the 1973 remake, when the judge decides to speak with Dr. Sawyer in chambers the doctor goes on a bit of a rant about Kris' behaviour in his interview, showing himself to be mean-spirited, vindictive, petty, arrogant, and extraordinarily self-righteous. He concludes with "And he hit me with his cane!" The judge gives him a very level look. "I begin to see why."
• At the beginning of the movie, Susan asking her mother if they could invite Fred to dinner, and then immediately turning to Fred and inquiring, "Did I ask all right?"
• Judge Harper has taken a short recess to consider whether or not to announce that there is a Santa Claus. After a debate with his lobbyist he returns and claims that he consulted "the highest authority available." This is funny whether you think he's being sincere or not.
• In the 1994 version, Bryan Bedford calls the District Attorney's wife to the stand. After her interrogation:
  Judge: Mr. Collins, would you like to cross-examine... [mischievous smile] ...your wife?
• Bryan calls young Daniel Lowry (the one who wanted the Peter Pollywog earlier in the film) to the stand. He asks if the prosecutor could possibly be Santa Claus and Daniel replies that he couldn't because "Santa don't got a grumpy face." The entire court bursts out into laughter, including the judge.
• In the original version, Thelma Ritter has a small, uncredited role as a harried mother who can't find her son the fire engine toy he wants. She outright whispers this to Kris, but he happily ignores her and tells the boy that he'll certainly get his engine. Ritter barely contains her Brooklyn Rage as he shoos her son away: "Listen, you wait over there...Mama wants to thank Santa Claus too."
  • The boy who plays her son also gets a funny moment as he absolutely rushes through his lines to the point where they're almost unintelligible. Kris simply smiles and nods as the kid trips over his words.
• While Sawyer gaslighting Alfred into thinking he has psychological problems is horrible, the confused, naïve way Alfred describes it all to Kris is hilarious:
  Kris: (suspicious) What else has he found wrong with you, Alfred? Anything else?
  Alfred: No. Oh, just that I hate my father. I didn't know it, but he says I do.
• The ending of the original film, where Fred Gailey is being rather smugly self-congraulatory about proving to the world that a little old man was Santa Claus only to see a very familiar cane left by the fireplace...
  Doris: It can't be! it must have been left by the people who moved out.
  Fred: (stunned) Maybe...Maybe I didn't do such a wonderful thing after all.
  The movie closes on a shot of Kris' cane with "Jingle Bells" playing

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