History Funny / DragonageOrigins

* When you reach the Ashes themselves, if you have Sten in your party, he'll say, "Congratulations. You found a ''waste bin.''" It's even funnier if your other two party members are Alistair, Wynne, or Leliana - all of whom will be in awe at the fact that they are in the presence of the remains of TheMessiah - only for Sten to follow up with ''that'' comment.

* How proud the Grand Oak seems of his IncrediblyLamePun after asking him why he speaks [[RhymesOnADime only in rhyme.]]

--->'''Morrigan:''' “Your man is dead. Get over it.”
--->'''Sten:''' “The man you love has died. It seems you could have chosen better.”

** Prank: Protective Cone. Dog is always in the good graces of the Warden, this is the only way to get them to disapprove.

* When you go to fight the brutal BonusBoss Flemeth, they start neutral to the player. This means you can literally fill the area with traps and the second the battle begins, the traps all go off at once. Sometimes, you can even [[DeathOfAThousandCuts kill the boss this way]] by CherryTapping them to death.

--> '''Warden:''' [[Franchise/SpiderMan Warden senses... tingling!]]

* The fact that this quest, which involves finding the worldly remains of the setting's major religious figure, is a ''side'' quest[[note]]Although in the player's perspective, you will need to do this as part of the major quest, namely to save Arl Eamon in order for him to call the Landsmeet, one of the major quests in this game[[/note]]. It isn't even the most interesting thing the Warden did that year. It get better in ''Inquisition'', when a Codex mention that the Warden never shared this quest with anyone, meaning that finding the worldly remains of this setting's version of Jesus wasn't even worth of mention.

* The fact that this quest, which involves finding the worldly remains of the setting's major religious figure, is a ''side'' quest. It isn't even the most interesting thing the Warden did that year. It get better in ''Inquisition'', when a Codex mention that the Warden never shared this quest with anyone, meaning that finding the worldly remains of this setting's version of Jesus wasn't even worth of mention.

** The fact Alistair does not want to be king, but is ResignedToTheCall, can lead to this as he begins his speech.

'''Templar:''' [[NobodysThatDumb Be my guest]]. I have no urge to try out that [[AnAxeToGrind axe of his]].

* Just about everything Oghren says, actually, ''especially'' when you can play along ("Where can I get some sauce for that rump roast?"/"Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"). Particularly memorable are his conversations with Wynne and Alistair about [[ADateWithRosiePalms polishing]] [[InnocentInnuendo weapons]]. Wait, what are YOU talking about?

* Delightfully over the top, morbid yet hilarious: the LargeHam level voice acting from the Chasind Doomsayer in Lothering. Behold:

** Prank: Protective Cone. Dog always has a HundredPercentAdorationRating with the Warden, this is the only way to get them to disapprove.

* Sten's comments after you talk to him.
-->'''Sten:''' Where is the cake? IWasToldThereWouldBeCake. TheCakeIsALie.

* When you interrupt the conversation of two Chantry priests in Denerim, you have the option to bring up their ex-lyrium keeper. FunnyAneurysmMoment has never been funnier.

-->'''Mage Warden''': [[CaptainObvious That's a big door]].\\
'''Bran''': Yes, it is. Do you need something, or are you just here to state the obvious?\\
'''Mage Warden''': Is this the only way out of the tower?\\
'''Bran''': The only safe one, as far as I know. There are windows on the higher levels, but surely you don't need me to warn you of the dangers of leaping from them. It never ends well.\\
'''Mage Warden''': Can I leave the tower?\\
'''Bran''': ''(wearily)'' No, you may not. I'm surprised you ask. I would have thought you'd be used to this idea by now.\\
'''Mage Warden''': What's out there?\\
'''Bran''': Ferelden. It's not very interesting. Mostly farms. The occasional river.

-->'''Keili''': Blessed art thou who exists in the sight of the Maker. Blessed are the penitents who seek His return.\\
'''Mage Warden''': Blessed is... that woman, Andraste, who... um... did stuff.

-->'''Jowan''': Ambiguous rubbish. It could mean anything. I can do it too: "The sun grows dark, but lo, here comes the dawn!"

-->'''Female Mage''': We should get to know each other./I’ve seen the way you look at me...\\
'''Cullen''': Oh my goodness. If you’re saying... what I think... that would be really...inappropriate and...I couldn’t. I should go. ''[[ScrewthisImOutofHere turns and runs as fast as he can.]]''

-->'''City Elf Warden''': I was, uh... he was... Oh, sod it. ''[throws murder knife]''

-->'''Leske''': Stone's embrace! That's one of 'em. One of the Grey Wardens! I dare you to go over and talk to him. Say: "Welcome to Orzammar, Warden ser. May I drink your bath water?"

-->'''Dwarf Commoner Warden''': You take all the fun out of this.

--->'''Oren''': What's a wench? Is that what you pull on to get the bucket out of the well?
--->'''Bryce''': That's a ''winch''. A wench is a woman who pours the ale in a tavern, Oren. Or, uh, a woman who drinks a lot of ale...

--->'''Fergus''': When you have a woman in your life, you'll understand.
--->'''Male Cousland''': No fewer than three, if you please.
--->'''Fergus''': Bold words, little brother! I mean a ''real'' woman, not a turn in the straw.
--->'''Oren''': Do you like to play in the stables too, uncle? I like to hide in the hay.

--->'''Fergus''': When there's a man in your life, you'll understand.
--->'''Female Cousland''': No fewer than three, if you please.
--->'''Oriana''': Such a thing would bring shame upon this house, Sister. But if it's true, you must be discreet.
--->'''Fergus''': I'm... not sure how I should take that, love.
--->'''Oriana''': As the advice of a practical Antivan woman, my dear.

---> '''Oren''': Mama says you're going to be watching over us while papa is gone. Is that true, Auntie?
---> '''Warden''': I wish you wouldn't call me that.
---> '''Oren''': But you are my auntie! What else am I going to call you, silly?
---> '''Oriana''': Your aunt no doubt thinks it makes her sound too old, Oren.
---> '''Oren''': But she is old! But not as old as you, mama.
---> '''Oriana''': This is your influence, Fergus.

-->'''Alistair''': I did not see that coming.

--->'''Morrigan''': There is a sensible request. I like you.
--->'''Alistair''': I'd be careful. First it's "I like you," but then Zap! Frog time.

-->'''Scout''': Who.. is that...? Grey Wardens?

-->'''Morrigan''': The soup is bubbling, Mother dear. Shall we have two guests for the evening, or none?
-->'''Flemeth''': The Grey Wardens are leaving shortly, girl. And ''you'' shall be going with them.
-->'''Morrigan''': ''Such'' a shame... ''[[DoubleTake what]]''?!

-->'''Morrigan''': Ah, so you have finally decided to rejoin us, have you? Falling on your blade in grief seemed like too much trouble, I take it?\\
'''Alistair''': Is my being upset so hard to understand? Have you never lost someone important to you? Just what would you do if your mother died?\\
'''Morrigan''': Before or after I stopped laughing?\\
'''Alistair''': Right. ''Very'' creepy. Forget I asked.

-->'''Alistair''': Yes, but she's more like "Ooh! Pretty colors!" than "Muahahaha! I am Princess Stabbity!"\\
'''Leliana''': ''[[[ImStandingRightHere silently folds arms]]]''\\
'''Alistair''': "Stab, kill, kill!"

--->'''Warden''': Don't make me stab-kill ''you.'' She's not coming!

-->'''Doomsayer''': THE LEGIONS OF EVIL ARE ON YOUR DOORSTEP! THEY WILL FEAST UPON OUR HEARTS! THERE'S NOWHERE TO RUN! THIS EVIL WILL COVER THE WORLD LIKE A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS!\\
'''Villager''': Please, you're scaring the children!\\
'''Doomsayer''': BETTER TO SLIT THEIR THROATS NOW THAN TO LET THEM SUFFER AT DARKSPAWN HANDS!

--> '''Zevran''': No offense, but might I give it a try? I do have quick hands, after all.
--> '''Warden''': Go ahead. Show off.
--> '''Zevran''': ''[whilst searching]'' Let's see... when was the last time I slipped my hand into some dark hole? Hmm, I remember. Long story, that...

--> '''Grand Oak''': I do not know, why dost thou not? Thy words seem plain, a mundane lot. Perhaps a poet's soul's in me... Does that make me a poet tree?

-->'''Warden''': Cammen told me about you.
-->'''Gheyna''': You... spoke to him? What did he say?
-->'''Warden''': [[BlatantLies He said that you were cruel and that he hates you.]]
-->'''Gheyna''': ''(shocked)'' He hates me? Are you certain?
-->'''Warden''': Yes, and it's a shame, for you are very beautiful.
-->'''Gheyna''': ''(flustered)'' I, ahhh... you, um - you are too kind.
-->'''Warden''': Kind? Not at all. Cammen is not good enough for you.
-->'''Gheyna''': What do you mean? I don't understand.
-->'''Warden''': I mean you deserve a more worldly man... Someone like myself.
-->'''Gheyna''': You mean... Oh! ''[nervous laughter]'' That's... quite flattering, but-
-->'''Warden''': (Persuade) Come. Let us discuss this in private.
-->'''Gheyna''': Well, I suppose there's no harm in it. We could talk in one of the aravels.

-->'''Gheyna''': ''(shocked)'' I can't ''believe'' I just did that! [[HeroicBSOD How can I live with myself?]]

--->'''Cammen''': Oh, what do you want now? I told you everything already.
--->'''Warden''': [[FalseFriend And let me tell you something: I bedded Gheyna.]]
--->'''Cammen''': What? She was to be my wife!
--->'''Warden''': [[CrossesTheLineTwice I was just sampling the goods. No harm done.]]

-->'''Alistair''': Look, can we talk for a moment? I need to tell you something I ah, probably should have told you earlier.\\
'''Warden''': [[DeadpanSnarker Let me guess: You're an idiot.]]\\
'''Alistair''': Yes, that's right. I stopped you to tell you I'm an idiot. Whew! Thank the Maker you know already! Now I can stop worrying I'll be found out.

-->'''Redcliffe Civilian''': We're under attack. We've been fighting for our lives!\\
'''Shale''': ''(tiredly)'' Is anyone surprised? Anyone?

-->'''Bann Teagan''': Nooooobody tells him what to do! ''Nobody!'' '''HA HA HA HAH.'''
-->'''Bann Teagan''': Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaarmelade!

--->'''Arl Eamon''': You! Traitor!\\
'''Jowan''': I guess you do.

--->'''Sten''': I am content to part with them if it saves us from this fool.\\
'''Warden''': Where'd you get those?\\
'''Sten''': There was a child, a fat, slovenly thing, in the last village we passed. I relieved him of these confections. He didn't need more.\\
'''Warden''': You ''stole cookies from a child''?\\
'''Sten''': For his own good.

-->'''Leliana''': [[NoJustNoReaction No]]...[[{{Squick}} ugh]]... I'm going to have nightmares after this.

--->'''Shale''': It's as if a flesh creature [[LudicrousGibs exploded all over the room]]. [[NightmareFetishist Fascinating.]]

-->'''Morrigan''': Ah. Now ''that's'' more like it.

--->'''Fake Flemeth''': She doesn't even acknowledge her own mother! My heart, it breaks!
--->'''Morrigan''': ''(obviously exasperated)'' Oh, slay it. And quickly! Even the true Flemeth was never as annoying as this!

-->'''Warden''': Magic and knives are different.
-->'''Zevran''': Magic can kill. Knives can kill. Even small children launched at great speed could kill.

-->'''Mother''': Well, look at you all fancied up. Did the prince decide he likes boys, or did you find some other way to bring in coin?\\
'''Warden''': Now I remember why I left.\\
'''Mother''': Right, Rica told me. Running off to the surface, just like your father. Never thought to share a little of that fortune with your mother?\\
'''Warden''': You're ''living'' in a ''palace!''\\
'''Mother''': I've seen how they look at me. Think I'm gutter trash. Not one of them would let me step foot here if it wasn't for Rica! Precious Rica, and her precious little brat! If he chokes on that gold rattle, we'll both be out on the street!\\
'''Warden''': Rica's happy. [[BigBrotherInstinct Don't you]] ''[[BigBrotherInstinct dare]]'' [[BigBrotherInstinct ruin that]].\\
'''Mother''': Oh, precious Rica. What's she done besides get herself knocked up? I had two worthless brats and nobody ever gave me the time of day for it. I deserve what she got! And more! And don't you tell me any different!\\
'''Morrigan''': ''(dryly, to the Warden)'' We have more in common than I thought...

---> '''Harrowmont's Crier''': Bhelen is a... bad, bad man. Yes, very bad!
---> '''Bhelen's Crier''': Harrowmont is, errrr, a weak man! And he will be a weak king! Yes!

--> '''Leliana''': I could sing, tell stories... Help the king get things from the top shelf...

-->'''Zevran''': Ah, quiet insular communities. There's always something nasty going on behind closed doors. I hope it involves chains. I hope they ask me to join in.

-->'''Sten''': Interesting strategy. Tell me: [[DeadpanSnarker Do you intend to keep going north until it becomes south, and attack the Archdemon from the rear?]]\\
'''Warden''': [[SnarkToSnarkCombat It'll never see this coming.]]

-->'''Warden''': Tasty.

-->'''Genitivi''': After all, no one wants to hear 'Willy toiled for many a year to perfect the curious mechanisms that would send a sharpened spike up the arse of the unwary intruder.'\\
'''Warden''': [[DeadpanSnarker Oh, that sounds pleasant]].

--->'''Zevran''': [[DeadpanSnarker Nice vase.]] I should get one for my house.

--> '''Morrigan''': If one more servant asks if I would like a change of clothes, I will set the house on ''fire''.

---> '''Zevran''': You know, I could get used to this. The last time I came to Denerim, I stayed at an inn so filthy the bedbugs had fleas.

-->'''Oghren''': Er, hm. Oh! Good news lady, you're single!

--->'''Alistair''': ''(solemnly)'' I hope you like heroes, my lady, because your husband died like one.

-->'''Master Ignacio''': Find everything you need?
-->'''Warden''': Same deal with the other scrolls?
-->'''Master Ignacio''': Deal? Uh, I don't know what you mean. But if anything "interesting" happens, feel free to come back. And consider that chest yours.
-->'''Warden''': So if I kill them, the payment will be in the chest?
-->'''Master Ignacio''': I never said ''that''. I'm just curious about various people in your kingdom. And sometimes I "misplace" large patches of coin. I'm quite careless that way.
-->'''Warden''': You do mean what I think you mean...?
-->'''Master Ignacio''': All right, yes! You kill them, look in the bleeding chest! Happy? Everything clear?! Now if you don't mind...

-->'''Ser Nancine''': ''[while in her underwear]'' You don't look like much of an herbalist. ''[sniffles]''

-->'''Priest''': He was assigned to guard the lyrium wares and it didn't go well. One summer morning he took off all his clothes, ran to the street and fell into a barrel of wine in which he drowned.

--->'''Priest''': He looked like a pickled egg!

-->'''Sergeant Kylon''': With the bastards, I just have to worry about dicing, the odd bit of drool, or yelling at them too loudly and hurting their poor feelings. But I swear the Arl's men are more criminal than the miscreants we occasionally arrest. Some of them ''are'' the criminals we have to arrest. So unless your life blood is draining into the gutter as we speak, don't even bother reporting it.

---> '''Sergeant Kylon''': Let me make that really clear: '''Not''' on fire, or exploded, or Maker knows whatever type of grisly death you can dream up. ... Sorry, used to giving orders to my boys.

-->'''Paedan''': What's the password?
-->'''Warden''': Err... sausage?
-->'''Paedan''': ''Sausage?!'' Bloody no! Go away.

--->'''Warden''': [[SpySpeak The grey nug flies north for the winter.]]
--->'''Paedan''': ... Go away.

-->'''Anora''': ''(exasperated)'' Shall I try to shove my crown under the door? Do you think the royal family has a secret knock?

-->'''Warden''': So you're the one who butchered my kin?
-->'''Howe''': [[FantasticRacism When animals turn against their masters, it is sometimes necessary to cull the herd.]]
-->'''Warden''': [[ShutUpHannibal Oh look, the regent owns a talking ass.]]

-->'''Zevran''': We are the famous Brohma Brothers! Can't you see the resemblance?\\
'''Oghren''': I'm the pretty one.

--->'''Captain''': All right, what's this about?\\
'''Oghren''': My partner and I are performers. The Regent hired us, said morale was low.\\
'''Captain''': You're performers, are you? What's your act?\\
'''Oghren''': Our act? Well, uh, the elf here juggles swords while I, uh...\\
'''Zevran''': He does a traditional Dwarven Dance of Death. Lights his pants on fire and everything. It's quite the spectacle.\\
'''Captain''': You can perform in the main hall on the condition that the dwarf keeps his pants on. ''That's'' non-negotiable.

--->'''Oghren''': My partner and I are, ah, performers...\\
'''Captain''': You're performers, are you? What's your act?\\
'''Oghren''': Our act? Oh... well, the big guy here sings and dances while I, er... juggle swords...\\
'''[[TheComicallySerious Sten]]''': On fire.

---->'''Oghren''': That captain better get here soon; these clown pants are riding up like nobody's business!\\
'''Sten''': ... That was ''far'' more information than I needed.

--->'''Sten''': ''(deadpan)'' The irony of this moment is not lost on me.

--->'''Captain''': ''You're'' a dog trainer?\\
'''Morrigan''': You ''doubt'' me?\\
'''Captain''': To put it mildly. Whatever you are, you're not a hound master.\\
'''Morrigan''': ...'Tis time for rampant slaughter, then.

---> '''Sten''': I am a giant with a war dog. I am either making a delivery, or besieging your fort. '''Hope for the former'''.

---> '''Sten''': This is pointless. We should go in fighting. ''({{beat}})'' ...And now I am talking to an animal. I've been in this country too long.

---> '''Sten''': I have a dog. What more do you want?

-->'''Starved Veteran''': You were so generous to me before and these are... other veterans--
-->'''Orphan Ollie''': I'm an orphan!
-->'''Starved Veteran''': Oh, and -- er -- an orphan.
-->'''Orphan Ollie''': My mom is ''especially'' dead.

--->'''Starved Veteran''': Many -- er -- veterans, orphans, the diseased, and sad tales of all sorts.
--->'''Orphan Ollie''': I still don't have my parents.
--->'''Starved Veteran''': And poor Ollie still doesn't have his parents.

---->'''Warden''': Even that fellow with the fine outfit?
---->'''"Beggar"''': I, uh, found it?
---->'''Orphan Ollie''': You aren't a real beggar.

--->'''Shianni''': Cousin, you have no idea... The things that happened after your wedding... I'm babbling, aren't I? I'm so happy to see you!
--->'''Alistair''': Wedding? [[OhCrap You're married?!]]
--->'''Warden''': I was betrothed. It didn't end well.
--->'''Alistair''': Still, you never told me you were betrothed. What happened?
--->'''Warden''': There were rapists. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking And we got the wrong cake.]] Disastrous!
--->'''Alistair''': I - all right, that does sound bad.

--->'''Warden''': Imagine a storybook wedding. [[{{Dissimile}} This was the opposite.]]

--->'''Warden''': Howe is dead. Denerim goes through Arls pretty quick lately.
--->'''Shianni''': All these gifts and it's not even my naming day!

--> '''Arl Eamon''': Ah... Warden, no. I'm afraid we can't leave the fate of all Ferelden up to your dog. Anyone with a leftover ham bone could buy his allegiance. Choose someone else.

--> '''Alistair''': You...you ''will''? Usually after this I'll wake up or notice that I'm [[NotWearingPantsDream only wearing my underpants]] and everyone laughs at me.[[note]]Even better, this may be a funny bit of DevelopersForesight -- players planning on getting rid of Alistair at the Landsmeet will in fact strip him down beforehand in order to sidestep SoLongAndThanksForAllTheGear.[[/note]]

--->'''Warden''': [[NoSympathy Shut up and put on the damn crown.]]
--->'''Alistair''': [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Maker's breath.]]

-->'''Loghain''': You'll have to forgive me if I shut my eyes and think of my dead wife.
-->'''Morrigan''': You'd rather make love to a desiccated corpse than me? My, but you are full of the unexpected.

-->'''Warden''': Your wildest dreams come true: sex with Morrigan.
-->'''Alistair''': ''[laughs]'' All right, that's pretty funny. Nice way to cut the tension. So what's really up?

--->'''Warden''': I won't lie to you. It will produce a child.
--->'''Alistair''': WHAT?! I... I must be hearing things, but are you telling me to ''impregnate'' Morrigan in some kind of '''magical sex rite?!'''

--->'''Alistair''': [[SarcasmMode Oh! Well, that's so much better, don't you think?!]] Here I was, worried about creating another bastard heir, and I didn't even ''consider'' that it might ''also'' be some... dragon... god... whatever!

-->'''Shale''': And... do try not to get swallowed whole. If the beast were to fly about afterwards and poop it out, irony would dictate that it land on me. I couldn't take it.

--->'''Shale''': So the Archdemon is next, is it? ''[{{beat}}]'' Well... good luck with that.

-->'''Zevran''': Say hello to the Archdemon for me. [[PalsWithJesus He never writes anymore]]... it's rather distressing.

'''Warden''': You're surrounded by darkspawn corpses! What happened here?!\\
'''Sandal''': [[NoodleImplements Enchantment!]]

-->'''Alistair''': Really? Not even a pony? Gosh. Way to wreck the drama.

--> '''Anora''': Is he always like that?
--> '''Warden''': I'm afraid so.
--> '''Anora''': Oh. Joy.

-->'''Warden''': I [[RagtagBunchOfMisfits pick up castoffs]]. It's what I do.
-->'''Alistair''': Ow. [[LampshadeHanging True,]] but... ow...

-->'''Warden''': Don't I have enough [[RagtagBunchOfMisfits armed]] [[ArmyOfThievesAndWhores lunatics following me around?]]\\

-->'''Warden''': (Persuade/Lie) We have to go, Oghren. The Queen is waiting for us.\\
'''Oghren''': Gotta go babe, saving the world and all that crap.\\
'''Felsi''': You're not staying for a while?\\
'''Oghren''': ''(to the Warden)'' I still got it.\\

--->'''Felsi''': Have you ''met'' Oghren? He got drunk, drunker then usual even, took off his pants and challenged a roasted nug to a wrestling match at my father's funeral. He lost, by the way. The nug got him in an arm-lock. He sat there crying for half an hour until someone pulled it off him.
--->'''Warden''': How did he lose to a piece of meat?
--->'''Felsi''': It was a sodding good roast!

--->'''Warden''': She hasn't exactly forgiven you for the nug incident.
--->'''Oghren''': Hey, that fight was rigged! Anyway, the guards said it wasn't worth pressing charges.

-->'''Oghren''': Just the thought of the two of them together, kissing and licking and intertwined on the Deep Roads... I'm, ah, just going to go back to [[IllBeInMyBunk my tent for a moment. Excuse me.]]

--->'''Prostitute''': Oh... that's just...! ''[shrieks]''\\
'''Oghren''': [[YuriFan Heh heh, sorry. Wrong room.]]

--->'''Oghren''': [[GirlOnGirlIsHot T-Too much to handle... Stone...!]] ''[faints with a loud thud]''

-->'''Oghren''': By my ancestors. [[LargeHam THIS...IS A]] [[NoIndoorVoice WONDERFUL GIFT!]]

-->'''Oghren''': Schmooples? You named a nug Schmooples? The last thing we need around here is a walking snack named Schmooples!

-->'''Oghren''': And furthermore, I don't think I appreciate the way you looked at me the other night.\\
'''Wynne''': The way I... what?\\
'''Oghren''': Oh, you remember. Those longing eyes, hungry for a bit of a tussle...\\
'''Wynne''': I never looked at you, dwarf. Definitely not in that way.\\
'''Oghren''': Oh, you're right. Must have been the dog.

-->'''Sten''': Dwarf. \\
'''Oghren''': What?\\
'''Sten''': Stop tripping me.\\
'''Oghren''': Stop tripping yourself!\\
'''Sten''': If you were significant enough to notice, I wouldn't step on you.\\
'''Oghren''': Oh, well... your mother!\\
'''Sten''': ...That was disappointing. [[VolleyingInsults I expected better from you]].\\
'''Oghren''': Sorry, I was in a rush.

--->'''Oghren''': Lost your weapon, did you?\\
'''Sten''': What of it?\\
'''Oghren''': Swinging an empty scabbard, then?\\
'''Sten''': ...\\
'''Oghren''': Your pike was purloined?\\
'''Sten''': "Purloined?" Did you have to look that one up?\\
'''Oghren''': The elf gave me that one. You have to admit, it's good.\\
'''Sten''': ''[sighs]''

--> '''Sten''': On good days, I posed riddles to passers-by, offering them treasures in exchange for correct answers.\\
'''Alistair''': Really?\\
'''Sten''': [[DeadpanSnarker No.]]

--->'''Alistair''': So, you never did tell me how you passed your time in that cage.\\
'''Sten''': I did not.\\
'''Alistair''': So... how did you?\\
'''Sten''': A training exercise. I would think of a word in your language, and then try and spot all the things that began with the same letter as that word.\\
'''Alistair''': You're joking again, aren't you.\\
'''Sten''': No.\\
'''Alistair''': ''You played I-Spy against yourself for twenty days?''\\
'''Sten''': ''(with the air of one imparting important information)'' There are a lot of things in Lothering that begin with the letter 'G'.

--->'''Alistair''': Sten? I spy with my little eye something that begins with 'G'.
--->'''Sten''': ''[sighs]'' Is it a Grey Warden? Is it, in fact, you?
--->'''Alistair''': Ooh, you're good at this.

--->'''Alistair''': Don't [[{{TheStoic}} you]] ''ever'' talk? You know, make polite conversation just to put people at ease?\\
'''Sten''': You mean that I should remark upon the weather before I cut off a man's head?\\
'''Alistair''': ... Never mind.

--->'''Wynne''': ''(to a highly flustered Alistair)'' I know the Chantry says you dream about your babies and the good Fade spirits take them out of the Fade and leave them in your arms... but that's not true. Actually what happens is that when a girl and a boy really love each other--\\
'''Alistair''': Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from!\\
'''Wynne''': Do you? Do you '''really'''?\\
'''Alistair''': I certainly ''hope'' so.

--->'''Oghren''': So. With the boss, aye?\\
'''Alistair''': Pardon?\\
'''Oghren''': You and the boss. Rolling your oats.\\
'''Alistair''': I don't know --\\
'''Oghren''': Polishing the footstones.\\
'''Alistair''': What you're --\\
'''Oghren''': Tapping the midnight still, if you will.\\
'''Alistair''': What are you going on about?\\
'''Oghren''': Forging the moaning statue. Bucking the forbidden horse. Donning the velvet hat.\\
'''Alistair''': [[HurricaneOfEuphemisms Are you just making these up right now]]?\\
'''Oghren''': Nope. Been saving 'em.

---> '''Morrigan''': Those blushing cheeks tell a different tale.\\
'''Alistair''': If my cheeks are blushing it's because I'm afraid you're going to suck the blood from them after you finish with him!\\
'''Morrigan''': If I have the inclination to suck anything of yours, Alistair, believe me, you will be the first to know.\\
'''Alistair''': [[NoJustNoReaction That]] was ''so'' [[ThatCameOutWrong not]] [[BrainBleach what I meant]]!

--->'''Alistair''': So... this thing you and him have going? Doesn't that violate your vows?\\
'''Leliana''': What? What kind of question is that to just blurt out? What do we "have going"?\\
'''Alistair''': Yes, I'm that blind. I so totally did not see you ogling each other before.\\
'''Leliana''': He was not ogling me. ... Was he? Was he really ogling me?\\
'''Alistair''': Now that you say it, I'm not sure. Maybe he wasn't ogling you. I don't know... I could always ask him...\\
'''Leliana''': You can't do that! Could you? You couldn't do that...\\
'''Alistair''': I could. But I won't. Next thing you'll have me pulling his hair and passing him love letters.\\
'''Leliana''': I... just mind your own business. How inappropriate!

-->'''Wynne''': Have you changed your mind yet? Are you willing to speak seriously?\\
'''Zevran''': Of your bosom? As you wish.\\
'''Wynne''': ''(exasperated)'' No, I do not wish to speak of my bosom.\\
'''Zevran''': But it is a marvelous bosom! I have seen women half your age who have not held up half so well. Perhaps it is a magical bosom?\\
'''Wynne''': Stop... talking about my bosom.\\
'''Zevran''': But I thought you wished to speak seriously?

--->'''Zevran''': All I wonder is whether the Templars guard the mages here as closely as they do in Antiva. In Antiva, the Templars watch the Circle like a jealous husband guarding the chastity of a wanton bride.\\
'''Wynne''': Interesting metaphor, but yes, it is not too different in Ferelden.\\
'''Zevran''': And is it also true that when the moon swells to fullness, the mages of the Circle gather at the top floor of the tower and, naked under the stars, make love to each other?\\
'''Wynne''': What? No! Maker's breath...\\
'''Zevran''': Oh. I found out recently that it was not true in Antiva and hoped that it would be in Ferelden. Alas.

--> '''Wynne''': Can't you mend your own clothes? Why do I have to do it?\\
'''Alistair''': Sometimes I pick up too much fabric and it ends up all puckered and the entire garment hangs wrong afterward. And you're... [[TeamMom you know, grandmotherly]]. Grandmothers do that sort of thing, don't they? Darning socks and whatnot. You don't want me to have to fight darkspawn in a shirt with a hole, do you? It might get bigger. I might catch cold.\\
'''Wynne''': Oh, all right. I'll mend your shirt the next time we set up camp.\\
'''Alistair''': Ooh! And while you're at it, the elbows kind of need patching too...\\
'''Wynne''': Careful, young man, or puckered garments may be the least of your problems.

-->'''Morrigan''': You seem so deep in thought, my dear Sten. Thinking of me, perhaps? The two of us, together at last?\\
'''Sten''': Yes.\\
'''Morrigan''': I... what did you say?\\
'''Sten''': You will need armor, I think. And a helmet. And something to bite down on. How strong are human teeth?\\
'''Morrigan''': ''(confused)'' How strong are my teeth?\\
'''Sten''': Qunari teeth can bite through leather, wood, even metal given time. Which reminds me, I may try to nuzzle.\\
'''Morrigan''': ''(alarmed)'' ''Nuzzle''?!\\
'''Sten''': If that happens, you'll need an iron pry bar. Heat it in a fire, first, or it may not get my attention.

-->'''Leliana''': I saw what you were doing back there.\\
'''Sten''': Oh?\\
'''Leliana''': Don't play innocent with me. \\
'''Sten''': What are you talking about?\\
'''Leliana''': You. Playing with [[KindheartedCatLover that kitten]].\\
'''Sten''': ...[[BlatantLies There was no kitten]].\\
'''Leliana''': Sten, I saw you! You were dangling a piece of twine for it.\\
'''Sten''': [[ImplausibleDeniability I was helping it train]].\\
'''Leliana''': You're a big softie!\\
'''Sten''': [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain We will never speak of this again]].\\
'''Leliana''': ''(sing-song)'' Softie!

-->'''Leliana''': You are very beautiful, Morrigan.\\
'''Morrigan''': Tell me something I do not know.\\
'''Leliana''': But you always dress in such rags. It suits you, I suppose. A little tear here, a little rip there to show some skin. I understand.\\
'''Morrigan''': You understand I lived in a forest, I hope?\\
'''Leliana''': Maybe we could get you in a nice dress one day. Silk. No, maybe velvet. Velvet is heavier, better to guard against the cold in Ferelden. Dark red velvet, yes. With gold embroidery. It should be cut low in the front of course, we don't want to hide your features.\\
'''Morrigan''': [[LesYay Stop looking at my breasts like that. 'Tis most disturbing!]]\\
'''Leliana''': You don't think so? And if it's cut low in the front we must put your hair up to show off that lovely neck.\\
'''Morrigan''': You are ''insane''. I would sooner let Alistair dress me.\\
'''Leliana''': It'll be fun, I promise! We'll get some shoes too! [[AllWomenLoveShoes Ah, shoes]]! We could go shopping together!

-->'''Zevran''': Has anyone told you what marvelous eyes you possess, my dear?\\
'''Morrigan''': Again with the flattery? Do you not tire from these pointless exercises?\\
'''Zevran''': In Antiva, women are accustomed to being showered with the praise they deserve. Men should worship you at your feet as you pass.\\
'''Morrigan''': They don't find that incredibly annoying?\\
'''Zevran''': They are goddesses receiving their subjects, just as you should be. Whatever would be annoying about that?\\
'''Morrigan''': I have no wish to be placed upon a pedestal.\\
'''Zevran''': But you deserve no less. You should be admired by painters, copied by sculptors, exalted by poets! Surely you know that yours is a beauty so exotic it-it would turn the eye of the Maker Himself!\\
'''Morrigan''': ''([[DefrostingIceQueen thawing]])'' Well, I suppose I... \\
'''Leliana''': You are a master indeed, Zevran. You win the bet fair and square.\\
'''Zevran''': Much obliged, madame.\\
'''Morrigan''': ''(through gritted teeth)'' I hate you all.

--->'''Alistair''': By the Maker! You were right! You win.\\
'''Zevran''': I think you owe me five silvers, yes?\\
'''Morrigan''': I hate you all.

--->'''Oghren''': Hmph. Fine. So I owe you a flagon. Bastard.\\
'''Zevran''': Much obliged, ser.\\
'''Morrigan''': I hate you all.

--->'''Alistair''': So, Shale... when you were standing there all that time? Did you... sleep?\\
'''Shale''': I have no need to sleep. My body does not tire or do -- ugh -- other flesh-related functions.\\
'''Alistair''': But don't you get bored? Wouldn't you want to dream, at least?\\
'''Shale''': I do not dream. This is what it does when it sleeps? It paws its nose and mumbles incoherently.\\
'''Alistair''': Yes, of course. I thought we all -- huh... you watch me?\\
'''Shale''': I watch all closely when they are still at night. There is little else to do.\\
'''Alistair''': For... hours and hours?\\
'''Shale''': I count the breaths. It helps to overcome the overwhelming urge to crush their faces while they sleep.\\
'''Alistair''': Well. I won't be doing much of that anymore.

-->'''Alistair''': I said to him, "Greetings, Your Highness," and he said '''[[IdiotHero "OOH, SWORDS!"]]''' and ran off to the armory. We drifted apart after that. Very sad.

--> '''Zevran''': You know who I am, yes? I was one of the Crows you hired to kill the Grey Wardens.
--> '''Loghain''': I thought you looked familiar.
--> '''Zevran''': Well, I just wanted to report that [[CaptainObvious I failed my mission]], Loghain.
--> '''Loghain''': [[SarcasmMode You don't say.]]
--> '''Zevran''': I'm terribly broken up over it.
--> '''Loghain''': Hmm. Well thank you kindly for informing me.

-->'''Shale''': I have a question for it, elder mage.
-->'''Wynne''': Must I always be the "elder mage"?
-->'''Shale''': Would it prefer "mage well past her prime, don't mind the sagging bits"?
-->'''Wynne''': You have a curious way of asking for answers to your questions.

--> '''Alistair''': Maker! What is ''wrong'' with you women?!

-->'''Shale''': So here is a question for the painted elf...\\
'''Zevran''': Painted elf? Oh, that's me! I do like that.\\
'''Shale''': Am I to understand correctly that the painted elf is a "crow"?\\
'''Zevran''': Not literally, but... yes. I am a Crow.\\
'''Shale''': As in a bird.\\
'''Zevran''': Is there another sort?\\
'''Shale''': So the painted elf assaults helpless statuary with its feces?\\
'''Zevran''': If given sufficient cause, [[SureLetsGoWithThat why not?]]\\
'''Shale''': That is outrageous! The painted elf will stay away from me. Or else.\\
'''Zevran''': ''[sighs]'' I get a lot of that.

--> '''Shale''': You see me winning the affections of another golem do you? Most golems are slaves to whoever holds their control rods.\\
'''Zevran''': Funny, [[DoubleEntendre it works exactly]] the [[SomethingElseAlsoRises same way for us as well]].

-->'''Leliana''': You had a difficult life. Deep down, at the center of your being, you are a good person. I believe that.
-->'''Shale''': Even though I have never demonstrated this aspect? How peculiar.
-->'''Leliana''': You aren't all stone, Shale. There is a person inside of you.
-->'''Shale''': If so, it is because I ate it.

-->'''Sten''': That would certainly explain a lot.

-->'''Zevran''': I must say, dear woman, I rather like this change in you.
-->'''Leliana''': That's nice, but I'm not sleeping with you.
-->'''Zevran''': Oh I can think of many other things that we could do other than sleep.
-->'''Leliana''': Oh? Then let's see what's in thouse trousers. I like to make informed decisions, after all.
-->'''Zevran''': Oooh. That's rather saucy of you, isn't it? You really have changed!
-->'''Leliana''': Yes, yes. I don't see those trousers coming down, however, do I?
-->'''Zevran''': Err... you just want me to show you? Right here?
-->'''Leliana''': Why not? Aren't you the shameless lothario you claim to be? There are rumors about you elves and I intend to see them proved untrue before I even consider a tumble.
-->'''Zevran''': On second thought, perhaps you've traveled to an awkward place where I dare not follow...
-->'''Leliana''': I thought as much.

-->'''Oghren''': Yep, lotta tension around here.
-->'''Alistair''': You think so? Do you?
-->'''Oghren''': Know what I do to relieve tension?
-->'''Alistair''': I hesitate to wonder.
-->'''Oghren''': I polish the 'ol weapon. (chuckles)
-->'''Alistair''': Really?
-->'''Oghren''': Yep. Give it a good shine with a dry rag. Then with a little grease.
-->'''Alistair''': That's disgusting!
-->'''Oghren''': You're telling me you never gave your blade the 'ol spit shine?
-->'''Alistair''': I think that's private.
-->'''Oghren''': Really? (chuckles) Sodding Chantry and its rules. I like to do it right out in the open.
-->'''Alistair''': Where people can ''SEE'' you?
-->'''Oghren''': Yep!
-->'''Alistair''': Wait... What are you talking about?
-->'''Oghren''': What are ''YOU'' talking about?

--> '''Oghren''': ''[cackles]'' Asschabs![[note]]Even funnier is the origin of the term: During production, the writers would suffer from what was coined "Chair Butt"; essentially when your backside goes numb from sitting in the same uncomfortable chair every day. As it stood, the writers formed the '''Ass'''ociation of '''Cha'''ir '''B'''utt '''S'''ufferrers, or "'''[=AssChaBS=]'''" for short. At which point they realized that "Asschabs" sounds ''exactly'' like something Oghren would say and cackle about for no reason.[[/note]]\\

'''Warden''': Oghren, you're wearing your pants.\\
'''Oghren''': But ''he'' doesn't know that! And it will be his sodding downfall!

--->'''Oghren''': Go and make yourself ready, woman. I'll be right there to see to it... ''[wobbles, falls down, loses consciousness]''

-->'''Leliana''': Dear Journal, Leliana has shown much affection for me. Even asked me to come to bed with her. [[ObliviousToLove But alas, subtlety is lost on me.]]\\
'''Warden''': Wait, what?\\
'''Leliana''': Oh, ''now'' [[LesYay s/]]he gets it.

--->'''Leliana''': But now it's getting late. I think I might... turn in early. I can't help thinking about how soft and warm my bedroll is.\\
'''Warden''': You don't want to talk to me anymore?\\
'''Leliana''': Of course I do. You know I enjoy your company. But... it's getting a little chilly, and I prefer to be in my bedroll.\\
'''Warden''': Well, I shan't keep you.\\
'''Leliana''': You know, it'd be nice if you came with me.\\
'''Warden''': What for?\\
'''Leliana''': So I can show you my collection of pressed flowers... obviously.\\
'''Warden''': I didn't know you collected pressed flowers.\\
'''Leliana''': I... don't. Stop pretending you don't know what I want!\\
'''Warden''': [[ObfuscatingStupidity I have no idea what's going on.]]\\
'''Leliana''': Ah, the games you play. Listen, I want to spend the night with you. There. I said it.

--->'''Leliana''': Good, now come with me before I lose my patience.

--->'''Leliana''': Oh don't second guess me, it's not becoming. Come here, and no arguing this time.

-->'''Alistair''': Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements! Feel my thorns, darkspawn! I will overpower you with my rosy scent!

-->'''Wynne''': I remember a tale that was told to me, many years ago...\\
'''Warden''': Does the story have griffons in it?\\
'''Wynne''': Maker's mercy. It's like talking to a child.

--->'''Wynne''': (in a clearly exasperated tone) Yes, ''griffons'', now pay attention!

-->'''Alistair''': You know, I once heard a really old legend about how the Hound Warriors would feed their Mabari the flesh of the vanquished.\\
'''Dog''': ''[heaving sounds]'' \\
'''Alistair''': Oh, like you can tell the difference. Who knows, maybe you've already been fed something, or ''someone''?\\
'''Dog''': ''[whimpers]'' \\
'''Warden''': I would never feed you another person.\\
'''Alistair''': It's not cannibalism if ''he'' eats it, you know.\\
'''Dog''': ''[growls at Alistair]''

--->'''Sten''': Grrrrr.\\
'''Dog''': ''[growls]''\\
'''Sten''': [=RRRRRAH!=]\\
'''Dog''': ''[vicious barking]''\\
'''Sten''': You are a true warrior, and worthy of respect.\\
'''Dog''': ''[Happy bark!]''

--->'''Warden''': Good! He will fell our enemies with his stench!

--> '''Wynne''': When I die, should I find out you haven't kept your promise (to save Thedas), I will rise up and give you a very big finger-wagging.

-->'''Sten''': Little baked things, like bread, but sweet and crumbly.\\
'''Warden''': Cookies?\\
'''Sten''': Yes! We have no such things in our lands. ''This should be remedied.''\\
'''Warden''': I'll keep that in mind.\\

--->'''Wynne''': It's like she's forgotten you exist above the waist!
--->'''Warden''': [[BiggerIsBetterInBed To be fair, there's quite a bit of me]] ''[[BiggerIsBetterInBed below]]'' [[BiggerIsBetterInBed the waist]].
--->'''Wynne''': [[TooMuchInformation By the Maker!]] Is a little decorum too much to ask for?

-->'''Alistair''': Anyway, now that the warm, fuzzy part of the day is over, we can get back to the ritual dismemberments... Oh wait, [[ButForMeItWasTuesday it's not Tuesday]], is it?

--> '''Morrigan''': 'Tis a funny way of talking, you have, moving so close to me like that.
--> '''Warden''': Humor me.
--> '''Morrigan''': So this is funny, then?
--> '''Warden''': Only if we do it wrong.

--> '''Shale''': With a chisel. And ''a lot of nerve!''

--> '''Warden''': We've never talked about our nights together.
--> '''Morrigan''': What is there to speak of? Do you wish me to tell you how wonderful you are? Shall I say you're virile and manly?
--> '''Warden''': Suddenly I feel like none of those things...
--> '''Morrigan''': Oh, ''(in a mocking baby-tone)'' My poor widdle man's feelings have been hurt. What do you say I kiss and make it feel better, hmm?

-->'''Zevran''': I suppose I can't fault you for being desirous of new experiences. What is it they say? Oh yes, you should try everything once except incest and Qunari cuisine.

-->'''Leliana''': Heh! Look, the bruises form a pretty pattern!

--> '''Warden''': [[Franchise/SpiderMan Warden senses... tingling!]]

---> '''Warden''': Finally, something that can ''swallow me whole!''

-->'''Shale''': Now, let us crush something soft and watch it fountain blood. That is a girlish thing to want to do, yes?

-->'''Morrigan''': I approve!

-->'''Warden''': [[OhCrap Dear Maker.]]

-->'''Alistair''': More crazy? I thought we were all full up.

-->'''Leliana''': So you're saying you're wild and uninhibited? I suppose he must like your shrieking, you sound like a genlock being murdered - a sweet, sweet sound to a Grey Warden. You should try a little harder next time he takes you. I don't think they heard you in the Anderfels.

-->'''Warden''': Levi, I'm afraid your great-great-grandmother is possessed.
-->'''Levi Dryden''': [[DeadpanSnarker That, or she's really let herself go.]]

-->'''Felix''': Oh! No, no, I sent the elf to do that. I mean, I sent my helper. Tarren. Nice fellow, that... Tarren.

-->'''Warden''': Okay. Punch Alistair.
-->'''Alistair''': HEY!

--->'''Warden''': All right. Give Zevran a hug.
--->'''Zevran''': Hmph. I don't enjoy foreign objects invading my personal space. Well, usually.

-->'''Amalia''': Of course she's a cat! She just talks, that's all.\\
'''Kitty''': Talking is simple enough, once you know how.\\
'''Warden''': Right, what are you really?\\
'''Kitty''': [[BlatantLies I am a cat. Really.]]

--> '''Leliana''': [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 Gentlemen...]]

-->'''Sketch''': Tight fit for Tug.\\
'''Tug''': Eh, [[YourMom your mother]] said as much.

-->'''Leliana''': [[CloudCuckooLander Everyone gather round for a hug!]]

-->'''Finn''': Ah... don't you wish you could just piss anywhere you wanted to without having people give you dirty looks?
--> '''Ariane''': ''What?!'' No! Why, Do you?
--> '''Finn''': What?! No, of course not.

--->'''Finn''': Dog! What is that in which a tree is covered?
--->'''Dog''': ''[barks]''
--->'''Arianne''': ''[[[LamePunReaction sighs]]]''

---> '''Finn''': Phew! Am I bleeding? Oh look, a rip in my robe." ''[faints]''

* Just about everything Oghren says, actually, ''especially'' when you can play along ("Where can I get some sauce for that rump roast?"/"Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"). Particularly memorable are his conversations with Wynne and Alistair about [[ADateWithRosiePalms polishing]] [[InnocentInnuendo weapons]]. [[UnEntendre Wait, what are YOU talking about?]]

--> '''Oghren''': ''[cackles]'' Asschabs![[note]]Even funnier is the origin of the term: During production, the writers would suffer from what was coined "Chair Butt"; essentially when your backside goes numb from sitting in the same uncomfortable chair every day. As it stood, the writers formed the '''Ass'''ociation of '''Cha'''ir '''B'''utt '''S'''ufferrers, or "[=AssChaBS=]" for short. At which point they realized that "Asschabs" sounds ''exactly'' like something would say and cackle about for no reason.[[/note]]\\

** Can be also heartwarming/a tear jerker if you already know that [[spoiler: Shale is actually one of the dwarves that volunteered to become a golem to fight the darkspawn via the Anvil of the Void back during the First Blight. She was a female warrior of House Cadash who's name was, literally, Shayle.]]

-->'''Warden''': Don't I have enough [[RagtagBunchOfMisfits armed]] [[ArmyOfThievesAndWhores lunatics following me around?]]

--> '''Oghren''': ''[cackles]'' Asschabs![[note]]Even funnier is the origin of the term: During production, the writers would suffer from what was coined "Chair Butt"; essentially when your backside goes numb from sitting in the same uncomfortable chair every day. As it stood, the writers formed the '''Ass'''ociation of '''Cha'''ir '''B'''utt '''S'''ufferrers, or "[=AssChaBS=]" for short. At which point they realized that "Asschabs" sounds ''exactly''like something would say and cackle about for no reason.[[/note]]\\