Funny / Dark Shadows

The film:

  • Pretty much any scene with Julia Hoffman, but one in particular:
    Hoffman: Do you know what doctor/patient confidentiality is? (descends crotch-wise)
  • During the climax when Elizabeth realizes her daughter is a werewolf, Carolyn gives her the most deadpan expression (at the camera) and says:
    Carolyn: I'm a werewolf, okay? Let's not make a big deal about it.
    Carolyn: Woof!
  • The first thing Barnabas sees after being released (and slaking his thirst)? A large, golden symbol that quite resembles one he had found in a book about the Devil.
  • Barnabas seeing a television for the first time and trying to figure out how it works.
    Barnabas: What kind of sorcery is this? (rips an input cord out) Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!
  • Until he gets a coffin to rest in, Barnabas has to make do with sleeping upside down on a bedpost, a refrigerator box, and a cabinet full of towels and blankets.
  • The Running Gag of Barnabas thinking that Alice Cooper is a woman.
    Barnabas: (watching Cooper perform) Ugliest woman I've ever seen.
  • Barnabas' scene with the hippies. Especially the end.
  • Barnabas's response to Angelique's proposal. "You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!"
  • The following:
    Angelique: Barnabas, get over it.
    Barnabas: LOCKED IN A BOX! For 200 years!
    Angelique: Don't exaggerate. It was only 196.
  • Barnabas asking Carolyn for some love advice. It's impossible for that setup to not be hilarious.
    Barnabas: What is your age, if I may?
    Carolyn: Fifteen.
    Barnabas: Fifteen and no husband? You must put those birthing hips to use at once, lest your womb shrivel up and die!
    Carolyn: You're weird.
  • That priceless moment when Barnabas recites The Steve Miller Band's "The Joker" as poetry! And then compares it favorably to Shakespeare!
  • "I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker."
  • When Barnabas is locked in a coffin for the second time...
    Barnabas: (hearing footsteps) I hear you! Come! Do not fear!
    The coffin lid opens.
    Barnabas: Oh thank goodness! What year is it? How many decades have passed?
    David: It's been twenty minutes. (beat) Why do you have ladies' underwear on your face?
    Barnabas: Never mind that.
  • When Angelique tries to make Barnabas take her back. Doubly funny because it makes Barnabas drop his Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness act:
    Angelique: What if I made you?
    Barnabas: With what, a spell? A little doll filled with pins? That is not love.
    Angelique: (rips her suit off) With THIS!
    Barnabas: Oh.
    • "I-I-I must admit, they have not aged a day."
    • Even before the bodice rip, Barnabas's...facial reactions to Angelique taking his hand to fondle her with. He seems quite...content with it.
  • Angelique: "Command"? You make me sick! *projectile vomits*
    • Barnabas: *ducks* Missed me. *splat*
      • The old cleaning woman even starts to wipe it off his face, but gives up when she sees the bugs in the mess.
  • At the party the old woman is sitting right in front of a speaker just reading and not even being aware of the music coming from it.