- Pretty much any scene with Julia Hoffman, but one in particular:
Hoffman: Do you know what doctor/patient confidentiality is? (descends crotch-wise)
- During the climax when Elizabeth realizes her daughter is a werewolf, Carolyn gives her the most deadpan expression (at the camera) and says:
Carolyn: I'm a werewolf, okay? Let's not make a big deal about it.
- The first thing Barnabas sees after being released (and slaking his thirst)? A large, golden symbol that quite resembles one he had found in a book about the Devil.
- Barnabas seeing a television for the first time and trying to figure out how it works.
Barnabas: What kind of sorcery is this? (rips a power cord out) Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!
- Until he gets a coffin to rest in, Barnabas has to make do with sleeping upside down on a bedpost, a refrigerator box, and a cabinet full of towels and blankets.
- The Running Gag of Barnabas thinking that Alice Cooper is a woman.
Barnabas: (watching Cooper perform) Ugliest woman I've ever seen.
- Barnabas reciting "The Joker" by the Steve Miller Band as if he were reading a poem.
- Barnabas' scene with the hippies. Especially the end.
- Barnabas's response to Angelique's proposal. "You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!"
- The following:
Angelique: Barnabas, get over it.
Barnabas: LOCKED IN A BOX! For 200 years!
Angelique: Don't exaggerate. It was only 196.
- Barnabas asking Carolyn for some love advice. It's impossible for that setup to not be hilarious.
Barnabas: What is your age, if I may?
Barnabas: Fifteen and no husband? You must put those birthing hips to use at once, lest your womb shrivel up and die!
Carolyn: You're weird.
- That priceless moment when Barnabas recites The Steve Miller Band's "The Joker" as poetry! And then compares it favorably to Shakespeare!
- "I'm pretty sure he called me a hooker."
- When Barnabas is locked in a coffin for the second time...
Barnabas: (hearing footsteps) I hear you! Come! Do not fear!
The coffin lid opens.
Barnabas: Oh thank goodness! What year is it? How many decades have passed?
David: It's been twenty minutes. (beat) Why do you have ladies' underwear on your face?
Barnabas: Never mind that.
- When Angelique tries to make Barnabas take her back. Doubly funny because it makes Barnabas drop his Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness act:
Angelique: What if I made you?
Barnabas: With what, a spell? A little doll filled with pins? That is not love.
- "I-I-I must admit, they have not aged a day."
- Even before the bodice rip, Barnabas's...facial reactions to Angelique taking his hand to fondle her with. He seems quite...content with it.
- Angelique: "Command"? You make me sick! *projectile vomits*
- Barnabas: *ducks* Missed me. *splat*
- The old cleaning woman even starts to wipe it off his face, but gives up when she sees the bugs in the mess.