Funny / Civil Protection

  • In the Green Aesop episode, Mike goes on a lengthy discussion about how there was a huge energy crisis years ago, and at first he appeared to be very logical and reasonable. However, he then says (quite cheerfully):
    Mike: Yeah, it was looking pretty bad... But Then: (transition to alien invasion) Aliens from outer space showed up and started attacking the earth. (Beat) They decimated our defenses in a matter of hours, forcing us to surrender (transitions to conveyor belt with dead people on it and a giant line of people enslaved by combine soldiers) and the aftermath left 80% of the population dead, and the rest of humanity conquered on its own planet! And suddenly, it's like, boom, problem solved.
    Dave: I'll give you that. Killing off five billion people did wonders for most of our social problems.
    Mike: It sure did! Now there are no more politics. You either do what the government says or you die! And what do you know! Now all of our energy is renewable, there's plenty of food for everyone, and crime is at its lowest in recorded history! It's a total U-turn.
    Mike: Hell, we almost had it coming.
    Dave: Bad monkey.
  • Mike and Dave meeting a strider (in case you don't know, it is a giant alien-cyborg hybrid tripod creature armed with a giant laser cannon).
    Dave: Oh relax, this thing's probably going to kill you anyway.
    Mike: Hey, if it's gonna kill me, it's gonna kill you too. I don't know why you're so calm about this.
    Dave: Of course he's not! Big... alien... robot... things love me! I mean, look at him! He's just a big friendly guy!
    Mike: Dave, this isn't a stray dog.
    Dave: (ignoring Mike) I shall call you Symba!
  • Mike's rant on Batman:
    Mike: Batman can afford to go around all night throwing ninja stars at people! Because he doesn't have to go work in the morning! Superman has to go to work, Spider-Man has to go to work, not Batman! He gets to sleep in in the morning, and he has a butler!
  • The Donut Shop from "Morning Patrol". There is just something strangely hilarious about DOZENS of armed civil protection officers all crowding in The Donut Shop, with about ten regular citizens to boot. The counter is staffed by vortigaunts, and even the transhuman Overwatch Soldiers, even the ones manning the hunter-chopper, come to the shop.
    • And the classical music that plays during this scene just solidifies the mood.
  • From the "Halloween Safety" episode:
    Mike: If you go trick or treating, great. But if someone answers the door naked, please call us immediately. You may think they're just playing a joke or acting a little weird, but no. It never amounts to anything good. We find it's usually just the tip of the iceberg with these people.
    Dave: Oh, man, like the Arbuckle residence, where we went in the basement and found all those dead-
    Mike: Shut up, Dave! Okay, the next item is fireworks!
  • From On a Rail:
    • Dave and Mike are on a patrol path that crosses over a train track, so Dave decides to go train surfing. Despite Mike's protests that it will not end well, he sticks a landing on top of a passing train and then enjoys a ride all the way to the water canal (which players of Half-Life 2 will recognize from an early chapter of the game). After Dave returns unharmed from his train ride, Mike finally agrees to join him for the next one. When they jump, Dave again lands on top without a problem, but Mike hits the edge of the car and immediately falls off. Dave then gets knocked off by the overpass while looking back.
    Mike: "I'm never listening to one of your ideas again!"
  • From the "Christmas Community Outreach" episode:
    Dave: (After Mike reads off a complaint that Civil Protection confiscated a person's Christmas Tree) What's the date on that?
    Mike: Uh, the ninth.
    Dave: Dude, I think that's his tree sitting in the station lobby. That's about when it was added.
    Mike: Are you serious?
    Dave: Yeah, I think we just took his tree and put it in the lobby.
    Mike: Uh, yeah, this is awkward. Contact Complaints, I don't want any part of this.