- A little dark if you're watching it with your grandpa or grandma, but the scene with Sonny and Vanessa discussing her new boyfriend.
Vanessa: He has a five-year plan.
Sonny: What is it? "Don't die"?
- Sid's reaction to that.
- This dialogue:
You know, you remind me of my grandson, he didn't think things through
Hey, Old Man River, zip it or I'll break your hip! Sid: (whispers to Vanessa)
I like to see him try. Vanessa: (whispers back)
Shut up, Sid.
- "I know you'll be missing me when you got that old body on top of you with his... loose skin and old... balls... gross!"
- The fact that poor little Julian has to take a leak about every five mintues.
Sonny: (to a couple of old ladies watching Julian pee) What's your name? He'll write it on the wall. Mind your business!
- When Sonny steps on Julian's Scuba Steve doll.
Sonny: Owwww! Scuba Steve! Damn you!
- When Julian and Nazo, the Delivery Guy are learning how to read.
Julian: Electricity. Constitution. Philadelphia.
Nazo: Fish. Pony. ...Hip? Hip hop? Hip hop anonymous? (Sonny just stares at him) Damn you! You gave him the easy ones!
- Mr. Herlihy is a cross between this, and being a complete and total ass. He also makes a lousy character witness.
Mr. Herlihy: Koufax is a good egg. He was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here, miss. What are you gonna do about it? Ha-ha-ha.
Sonny: What, are you drunk, Mr. Herlihy?
Mr. Herlihy: Well, I-I had a few Chardonnays. What of it?
Sonny: Get off the stand, please.
Sonny (to Julian) He drinks a lot of soda.
- Julian's kindergarten teacher gets one of the best lines.
- "One of the children wore rollerblades for show and tell, and Julian tripped him with a stick!"
- "I watched Fantasia a lot. And one day it just clicked."
- Sonny tries to order breakfast at Mc Donald's, past 10:30, when breakfast is no longer served.
Cashier: Hi. Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?
Sonny: (to Julian) Okay, what do you want?
Sonny: Cheerios? They don't have Cheerios. What else do you want?
Sonny: Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? (to cashier) Uh, we'll take hot cakes and sausage.
Cashier: Uh, sorry, sir, but we've stopped serving breakfast.
Sonny: What? What are you talking about? We're 4 seconds late!
Cashier: No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.
Sonny: OH, HORSESHIT!
(A random customer is startled by this. Julian cries)
Sonny: I wasn't cursing at you, I was cursing at the lady.
(The cashier is feeling awkward right now)
Another McDonald's customer: Nice parenting.
Sonny: Thanks. What are you, my therapist? (takes customer's fries and throws them over his back) Take a walk! (to Julian) Do you want one of those Happy Meals? Do you want me to get you a Happy Meal? (Julian screams) WILL SOMEBODY GET THIS KID A HAPPY MEAL?!
- The random goth dude:
Sonny: You're mad at your dad, not at me. I forgive you!
Goth (walking away and sobbing quietly): I am, I am. I hate my father.
- When Sonny decides to adopt Julian:
Tommy Grayton (sitting beside his boyfriend): Way to sleep on it, pal!
Sonny: Hey! You two wanna get married? I support that, leave me alone.
- Sonny's reaction to the kangaroo song video.
Sonny: I can't take this shit, are you serious?