History Funny / AVeryPotterMusical

** Snape getting texts from [[ClingyJealousGirl Umbridge]]asking if Dumbledore got her text, with him freaking out and saying Dumbledore got HIM involved in this now.

* Harry enters his compartment on the Hogwarts Express by simply miming opening a door handle. Ron, on the other hand, mimes a complex sequence of high-tech security measures, including a retinal scan, in a hilarious Overly Long Gag.

'''Snape:''' No, because if the person were to [[ADateWithRosiePalms touch themselves…]] [Looks at Ron]

--->"Do you love them enough… [[UpToEleven to ''kill'' them?"]]

-->'''Ginny:''' Konnichiwa, Cho Chang. It is GOOD to MEET you. I am GIN-ny Weas-LEY.
-->'''Lavender:''' BITCH, I AIN'T CHO CHANG!
-->'''Ron:''' That's Lavender Brown! RACIST SISTER! *DopeSlap*

-->'''Snape:''' A Portkey can be a harmless thing like a football or a dolphin.
-->'''Hufflepuff Girl:''' Professor, can, like, a person be a Portkey?
-->'''Snape:''' No, because if the person were to [[ADateWithRosiePalms touch themselves…]] [Looks at Ron]

--> '''Snape:''' "A person can, however, be a horcrux."
--> '''Harry:''' "What's, uh, what's a horcrux?"
--> '''Snape:''' "I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough."

-->'''Hermione:''' Someone's coming!
-->'''Ron:''' It's not me, I swear!

--> '''Harry:''' *hiding under the Invisibility Cloak* "Did he just say 'dragons'?"
--> '''Snape:''' *to Dumbledore* "Did you just say 'did he just say dragons'?"
--> '''Dumbledore:''' "I must have because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to have ''shut up'', Potter."

--> '''Draco:''' "You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what I'd give her on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being the ugliest and 10 being pretty? I'd give her… an 8. 8.5. More like a 9. Not, not higher than a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10… because I'm worth it."

--> '''Draco:''' [[SarcasmMode Hmm, let me think about--]] no.
--> '''Harry:''' C'mon, I'll give you my gushers!
--> '''Draco:''' No. I've got a fruit by the foot, so I don't want your gushers.
--> '''Harry:''' Look, I'll even throw in my Teddy Grahams so you can make little gusher-teddy-graham sandwiches.

--> '''Harry:''' "So, what do you think? Do you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?
--> '''Ginny:''' "I think it already has."
--> '''Harry:''' "Good! 'Cause it's for Cho Chang!"
--> '''Ginny:''' *sounding sad* "Oh, yeah. She sure is beautiful."
--> '''Harry:''' "Beautiful? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot. She is far more appealing, far more interesting, and far more attractive than anyone I know--in my immediate group of friends."

--> '''Ron:''' "Where are you going? I'm still mad and sad."
--> '''Harry:''' "Hold on, HP's gonna take his own advice, pal."

** '''Ron:''' "So good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I am never going to be happy again!"

* '''Ron:''' "So good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I am never going to be happy again!"

-->'''Draco:''' He didn't even do anything.

** And Umbridge's laugh: "A DUR DUR DUR DUR DUR"

** How is Snape's signature line not in here?

*** [[AllMenArePerverts "Well let's try and]] [[JailBaitWait make that a reality!"]]

* "Maybe you'll just have to fight Mushu from Disney/{{Mulan}}, or like Puff The Magic Dragon or something."

-->'''Students:''' [[Disney/PeterPan Any happy little thought?]]

* ''[[EarWorm Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how to draw book!]]''
** ''[[EarWorm Lupin can't sing, Lupin can't sing, Lupin cannot sing…]]''

* Ron's Poop-Nose maneuver on Draco. Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.

* Voldemort to Bellatrix--"You want to try something new? Get on the table… now sit up…" ''*Sits back-to-back with her like with Quirrell.*''
** '''Voldemort:''' "Now two people are mad at me!"

* '''Ron:''' "So good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I am never going to be happy again!"

* Voldemort taunting Draco: "And how do you suppose to get my Death Eaters into your daycare centre!? And don't suggest a giant slide, or a trampoline… [[NoodleIncident because we already tried those.]]"
* One of the cut lines from the AVPM edit:
-->'''Hermione:''' Someone's coming!
-->'''Ron:''' It's not me, I swear!
* When Quirrel walks by, Malfoy says "Go home, terrorist!".
** Then when everyone looks at him, he quickly pretends to be looking around him trying to figure out who said it. The expressions Lauren Lopez makes are ''hilarious''.
* Snape's lecture on portkeys:
-->'''Snape:''' A Portkey can be a harmless thing like a football or a dolphin.
-->'''Hufflepuff Girl:''' Professor, can, like, a person be a portkey?
-->'''Snape:''' No, because if the person were to [[ADateWithRosiePalms touch themselves…]] [Looks at Ron]
** Also, his reaction to the look.
* Voldemort to Quirrel:
--> ''Enough with the Dark King already, okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort… we're there! We've reached that point!''

* Goyle, full stop.
** "YEAH YOU'LL BE THE ONE WHO IS TOTALLY AWESOME!"
** [[Film/BillyMadison "OH GOYLE RULES!"]]
** "RUMBLEROOOAAAR!"
*** Jim Povolo, full stop. EnsembleDarkhorse personified.
*** The roaring!
* "And you have to bemySLAVEFORAWHOLEDAYSTARTINGNOW!"
** That's the SECOND time this has happen to me!
** Please let the world remember that Lauren Lopez decided to improvise that in the moment and everyone else played along.
* Voldemort to Bellatrix--"You want to try something new? Get on the table… now sit up…" ''*Sits back-to-back with her like with Quirrel.*''
** '''Voldemort:''' "Now two people are mad at me!"
* "I'll be in the drawwwring room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces."
* ''Everything'' concerning Pigfarts.
** Draco attempting to burst into song about it and promptly being stopped by Voldemort.
-->'''Draco:''' Pigfarts, Pigfarts here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts yum yum yum-
* "But he's so charismatic!"
* "Well, ''I'' believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods have their place. And ''so do your CLOTHES!'' Namely, a DRESSER!"
* "…so anyway, it was reluctant enough at first but I lured it out of its cave with an upside down cake, then I lassoed it with my Fruit by the Foot and beheaded it with a quick Slicing Charm. Bloody fool!"

* Three words: "Voldemort out, bitches."
* Ron's gigantic Hershey's bar and his complaints about Hermione after the Ball:
-->'''Ron:''' Every time I look at her I get these pains in my chest and I know it's her fault--that ''bitch''.
* Snape explaining how to destroy the last horcrux:
-->'''Snape:''' Potter, I'll show you what you need to do. Watch, very, carefully…
-->'''Snape:''' (Drops Dead)
-->'''Draco:''' He didn't even do anything.
-->'''Harry:''' That's because he's dead you dumb [[CurseCutShort mother--]]
* Right before Harry's HeroicSacrifice:
--> '''Harry:''' You guys are my best friends, and I love you all. [[ButtMonkey Except you, Draco, I can't fucking stand you.]]
* Harry trying to trade dragons with Draco.
--> '''Draco:''' [[SarcasmMode Hmm, let me think about--]] no.
--> '''Harry:''' C'mon, I'll give you my gushers!
--> '''Draco:''' No. I've got a fruit by the foot, so I don't want your gushers.
--> '''Harry:''' Look, I'll even throw in my Teddy Grahams so you can make little gusher-teddy-graham sandwiches.
** Then Draco offers to trade if he'll throw in some Bugles. Harry decides it just isn't worth it.
* After Draco finds that he cannot kill Dumbledore, Snape shouting "Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!"
* Just before Snape betrays the Death Eaters:
-->'''Snape:''' WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEE--[[MoodWhiplash (normal voice) ]]--Whoa, deja vu, I'm sorry. [[MoodWhiplash (switches back)]]--EEERE!
** And directly after:
-->'''Snape:''' Oh, a traitor, am I, Potter? You're exactly right. I am a traitor. [[DontExplainTheJoke Because I'm about to betray someone. Right… now.]] ''(slashes Death Eater with hook)''
* Snape when he gets bitten:
--> My weeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr!

* "The Sorting Hat and The Scarf Of Sexual Preference won't be back until next year, so basically I've just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy in Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy in Slytherin, and the rest can just go wherever the hell they want."

* This exchange about horcruxes:
--> '''Hermione:''' "Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion."
-->'''Harry:''' "Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not gonna do that."

* This discussion after Snape talks about Portkeys:
--> '''Snape:''' "A person can, however, be a horcrux."
--> '''Harry:''' "What's, uh, what's a horcrux?"
--> '''Snape:''' "I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough."
* '''Harry:''' "A goat? Oh my God, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally."
** And immediately after:
--> '''Harry:''' *hiding under the Invisibility Cloak* "Did he just say 'dragons'?"
--> '''Snape:''' *to Dumbledore* "Did you just say 'did he just say dragons'?"
--> '''Dumbledore:''' "I must have because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to have ''shut up'', Potter."

* All of Malfoy's denials about his real feelings towards Hermione, but this one in particular:
--> '''Draco:''' "You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what I'd give her on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being the ugliest and 10 being pretty? I'd give her… an 8. 8.5. More like a 9. Not, not higher than a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10… because I'm worth it."
* Cedric going "Find!" when anyone says Hufflepuff.

* Both Sirius and Lupin after jumping around like complete nutters making farting noises:
---> Who looks stupid now? You do!
* "Just once… just one time… I wanted to take your mum's… boobies… and [[Series/WhoseLineIsItAnyway put them on my face, and go BLBLBLBLBLBLBL!"]]
** A little extra funny (or perhaps just weird) when you consider the actress who plays Lily is pretty flat-chested.
*** For bonus points, when Snape interviews Arielle Goldman (the actress who plays Lily and a few other characters), he hits on her pretty shamelessly.
** Gets even funnier when Snape rescues Harry later.
--->"Besides, you have your mom's eyes. And…" *looks at Harry's chest before walking off*
** Snape so drunk he can barely speak.

* Harry enters his compartment on the Hogwarts Express by simply miming opening a door handle. Ron, on the other hand, mimes a complex sequence of high-tech security measures, including a retinal scan, in a hilarious Overly Long Gag.
** And when he finally gets the door open, the sting from Seinfeld once again plays!
** When Hermione comes in later, she doesn't even bother with the door.

* ''[[EarWorm Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how to draw book!]]''
** ''[[EarWorm Lupin can't sing, Lupin can't sing, Lupin cannot sing…]]''

* "SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLA-- oh, checkmate. SIRIUS BLACK!"
* Basically anything to do with Red Vines, specifically the Stepbrothers-type scene involving them in Act 1 part 2.
-->'''Ron:''' Favorite way to say "red wines" in a German accent?
-->'''Ron and Harry:''' "Red Vines!" OH MY GOD!
-->'''Ron:''' ''[hugging Harry passionately]'' [[HoYay Where have you been all my life?!]]
-->'''Harry:''' [[LiteralMetaphor In a cupboard under some stairs!]]
* Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
-->'''Harry:''' What flavor did you get?
-->'''Ron:''' …defeat.
* It's unnoticed, but after Harry's first day he says, "The best class was definitely Satanic Rituals."

* Lucius destroying the drawing Draco made for him and telling him, "[[IHaveNoSon You're not my son"]] was surprisingly depressing. Lucius then doing a ''trust fall'' and his Death Eaters ''dancing'' him out of the room? ''Fucking hysterical''.
* When the Trio and Draco have captured Lucius, and he's explaining that he isn't Draco's father:
-->'''Lucius:''' Narcissa choreographed an affair with someone behind my back. Someone I trusted. Someone I may have even loved.
-->'''Harry:''' Ollivander?
-->'''Hermione:''' Filch?
-->'''Ron:''' Regulus Black, Sirius's brother?
-->'''Yaxley:''' ME?
** Also, this, after Lucius explains that Draco is not his son, but Dobby's:
--->'''Lucius:''' Why else would you have such a little D?
--->'''Draco:''' It's ''so'' small…
--->'''Lucius:''' It's because you're a ''fucking elf''!
* Just about any scene with Snape and Lupin. After Umbridge fires Lupin is a particularly good example.
-->Lupin: "Guess you're happy about this."
-->Snape: "Look at my face, Remus; do I look happy?" *grins and begins singing and dancing* Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired!"
** How is Snape's signature line not in here?
---> '''Snape:''' That's absurd!
---> '''Lupin:''' You're absurd!
---> '''Snape:''' [flabbergasted] ''That's absurd!''
*** And from Snape to Lupin:
--> We can't expel each other! [Hopefully] Can we?
* The entire scene with [[OneSceneWonder Mama Umbridge]].
--->"Do you love them enough… [[UpToEleven to ''kill'' them?"]]
* "[[RunningGag Did you get my text? Well, you didn't text me back.]]"

* Ron's Poop-Nose maneuver on Draco. Also doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome.
* Ron's [[SugarWiki/HeartwarmingMoments speech of encouragement]] to Hermione... using ''Spider-Man''.
** The exchange afterward.
-->'''Hermione:''' He's like my second favorite superhero!
-->'''Ron:''' ''(pissed)'' Second?
* [[ThatMakesMeFeelAngry EVIL PLANS! WE ARE MAKING EVIL PLANS!]]

* The end of Act 1.
* From towards the middle of the play, in Act 1 Part 13:
--->'''Dumbledore:''' Severus! What's the goofiest thing you've ever done? Because I bet I just topped it!
--->'''Snape:''' I doubt it. My actions led directly to the death of the only thing I've ever loved…
--->'''Audience:''' Awww…
--->'''Dumbledore:''' [[MoodWhiplash This is probably twice as funny as that!]]
* Snape replacing "Mama's Love Hand" with a quill.
* This exchange:
--> '''Snape:''' So Lupin, what do you like to do in the full moonlight?
--> '''Lupin:''' Why that's easy, Snape. KILL! (The kids gasp) I mean, kill animals! (The kids gasp some more) I mean, dance with animals! (They sigh in relief)
** Especially funny since only Lavender (who always cries) cries on the word "kill", but when he changes it to "kill animals", a ''bunch'' of the kids cry. Including ''Draco''.
** Also:
-->'''Snape:''' Hey Lupin, want to come look at the full moon with me? HAHA zombie! ''*runs off*''

* When being taught the Patronus, this conversation:
--> '''Remus:''' What's your happy thought, Ron? Maybe a certain frumpy haired witch?
--> '''Ron:''' (who had been massaging Hermione's back, jumps back in horror and puts his arm around Harry) No, I was thinking about Harry.
--> '''Harry:''' Oh cool, what a coincidence, I was thinking about myself too.
** And when they're told to "hold on to" their happy thoughts, Ron is [[LiteralMinded hugging Harry tightly around the shoulders]] and grinning from ear to ear.
* "Didja hear the one about Sirius Black an' Flitwick's li-ul bruvvah?"
* After Harry finds Sirius:
--> '''Sirius:''' "What I actually said was I want to hug... and kiss him. *hugs and kisses Harry*"
--> '''Harry:''' "I believe him guys. He saw my parents in the mirror, and well, you can't fake that!"
* Lupin: "Stay out of the Shrieking Shack. I'm a werewolf in there."
* When Ron and Harry head into the Shrieking Shack, they attempt to remember what Hermione's name is when calling out to her. Hilarity ensues.
--->"Hermononucleosis…"
** Later, after she takes over as [[{{Irony}} DADA]] teacher.
-->'''Umbridge (to Hermione):''' I don't like you, Granger! And I don't like the way you don't like yourself! In fact, you remind of me of me at your age.
-->'''Hermione:''' Ohh, God!

* Umbridge: "So, you're smarter than the person who wrote this book? You're smarter than (checks book) …Merlin?"

* When Umbridge gets confused when Harry and friends appear behind her after she sees their past selves leave in front of her:
-->'''Umbridge:''' Potter!?! But--but--but I--but you just went--but I saw you go--but--DUUUUUURRRRRR!!!

* "WHO DISRESPECTING DA UMBRIDGE?!?" In fact, any scene with Umbridge probably has a couple of these.
** "I am woman, hear me SMASH!" *stamps feet repeatedly*
** "Now you're a rule-breaker, Potter. And it's time for your punishment." "Punishment?" "Oh, it's nothing TOO bad. You've just gotta--''takes out a huge knife''--take this knife, put it upright on a chair, and '''SIT ON IT, POTZI'''!"
*** Even funnier is later when this little interaction takes place:
--> Umbridge: Now, Potter, where was I?
--> Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife…
** Her checking the flowers for explosives after holding Neville at swordpoint, immediately followed by him running in terror after she tries to give him a thank-you hug.

* Sorty's proposal to Scarfy.

* The entire scene with [[OneSceneWonder Mama Umbridge]].
--->"Do you love them enough… [[UpToEleven to ''kill'' them?"]]

** The bit where he makes the deatheaters dance when Potter wakes up:

* Firenze. The outfit, the silly voice, the fact that he's Goyle, "My chest…!"
** And his hilariously pretentious dialogue! A great spoof on the "noble centaur" archetype, and pretty much any "noble and wise" fantasy creature ever written.
--->''It's Firenze, our centaur friend!''
* Any time Draco draws.
-->'''Draco:''' Hey, Potter. Potter. Potter. I drew a picture of you. You see what's happening to you in it. It's you getting hit in the head with a quaffle. Don't you feel foolish? Look, that's me, that one, that's me. And I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time, aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's rather good. It's actually quite good. It's probably--it's probably the best I've ever done. Actually, can I have that back?--Wait, no. I'm taking it! What do you think about that, Potter? Stolen your favorite drawing, right? Look, what do you think of this (rips drawing) *gasp* No! Goyle, paste it! Now look what you've done, Potter. You wait 'til my father hears about this! He'll say 'Draco, you goddamn little poofer, why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human?' And then, he will pull down my diaper and scold me for the mess I've left in it and spank my cheeks as red as cherries.
* Draco's introduction in the sequel

* [[CrackPairing Firenze/Umbridge]].
-->'''Firenze:''' Finally, I may have found someone powerful enough to survive coitus with the centaurs!
-->'''Kids:''' YAY!
-->'''Umbridge:''' WUT?!?
* "Platform 9 & 3/4? There's no such thing. You're the 700th kid to ask me that, and I still refuse to believe it exists!"
* After Dumbledore (with Scarfy) disapparates:
-->'''Umbridge:''' Where'd he go?!
-->'''Snape:''' He disapparated!
-->'''Umbridge:''' What?! That's bullshit Snape, you can't disapparate inside Hogwarts! Right?
-->'''Dumbledore:''' ''[offstage]'' Right!
-->'''Umbridge:''' Right! DAMMIT! ''[high kicks Hermione in face]''
** A outtake reveals that Joes kicked so hard in one show the shoe [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N72WZ2NALyM flew off his foot]]. ''Everyone but Darren'' noticed this.

* Goyle's Introduction: "WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?"
** "It's Clobberin Time!"

---> Oh shit, who'd I kill?

** Which is even funnier if you remember that Umbridge's WeaponOfChoice in the books was, in fact, a quill.
* It's unnoticed, but after Harry's first day he says, "The best class was definitely Satanic Rituals."
* Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
-->'''Harry:''' What flavor did you get?
-->'''Ron:''' …defeat.
* This exchange, which goes something like this:

* Harry trying to cheer Hermione up by explaining how much of a douchebag ("I'm [=Jesse McCartney=]'s Douchebag!") he is in the Muggle world… and basically describing the actor playing him, Creator/DarrenCriss. Also, any time they get Hermione's name wrong, and the one time he gets it right:

* When being taught the patronus, this dialog

* In the first scene, Lucius lampshades the confusion many likely felt when they heard about the sequel, given how the first show ended. "There is literally no way to move forward from this point!"

* Ron about Hermione: "OH MY GOD, NIGHT TROLL!"

* The entire speech Umbridge gives to the girls:
--> '''Umbridge:''' "And, from that moment forward, I picked up everything I could find and hoisted it up over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Because, I’ll tell you, girls, it’s a man’s world out there and to get ahead, you gotta be stronger than a man. You gotta be a '''WO''-MAN. I AM WOMAN… HEAR ME SMASH!"
** And Umbridge's laugh: "A DUR DUR DUR DUR DUR"

* Umbridge: "So, you're smarter than the person who wrote this book? You're smarter than (checks book) …Merlin?"
* Umbridge laying down some new rules: "Rule number one: No Boys! …unless they're cute! Rule number two: No alcohol… unless there's plenty to go round! And rule number three: no parties… UNLESS UMBRIDGE IS INVITED!!"
* From towards the middle of the play, in Act 1 Part 13:
--->'''Dumbledore:''' Severus! What's the goofiest thing you've ever done? Because I bet I just topped it!
--->'''Snape:''' I doubt it. My actions led directly to the death of the only thing I've ever loved…
--->'''Audience:''' Awww…
--->'''Dumbledore:''' [[MoodWhiplash This is probably twice as funny as that!]]

* After getting her flowers from "Big D", this exchange from Umbridge:
-->'''Umbridge:''' But your Mama's not a bad mama. In fact, she's pretty cool. Right?
-->*[[{{Beat}} None of the students respond]]*
-->'''Umbridge:''' Right!

* '''Snape:''' Alright, that's enough! As much as I'd like to see some of these bastards beaten *points at Harry* it's against the rules. Now come on kids. I've got a fun lesson planned. To the dungeons.

* Lucius destroying the drawing Draco made for him and telling him, "[[IHaveNoSon You're not my son"]] was surprisingly depressing. Lucius then doing a ''trust fall'' and his Death Eaters ''dancing'' him out of the room? ''Fucking hysterical''.

* I can't believe it hasn't been mentioned, the speech before No Way:

** Tom Felton's reaction to the casting is pretty hilarious.

-->'''Snape''': Oh, a traitor, am I, Potter? You're exactly right. I am a traitor. [[DontExplainTheJoke Because I'm about to betray someone. Right… now.]] ''(slashes Death Eater with hook)''

-->'''Harry''': Wait a minute, wait a minute, this thing is terrifying, those other dragons are the most cutest things you've ever seen!"
-->'''Dumbledore''': (shows the Figment cutout) This thing is HORRIFYING! (smiles) Just use your imagination.
** '''Ron''': "Man, this competition's gonna suck. All these dragons are lame. Accio Double Stuff. *sees Harry's dragon* Oh my God, monster!! Is this yours?! Oh my God, that is so awesome, let me hold it! This thing is terrifying. I hope real thing is smaller. Rawr!"

--> '''Hermione''': "Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion."
-->'''Harry''': "Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not gonna do that."

--> '''Harry''': "So, what do you think? Do you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?
--> '''Ginny''': "I think it already has."
--> '''Harry''': "Good! 'Cause it's for Cho Chang!"
--> '''Ginny''': *sounding sad* "Oh, yeah. She sure is beautiful."
--> '''Harry''': "Beautiful? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot. She is far more appealing, far more interesting, and far more attractive than anyone I know--in my immediate group of friends."

--> '''Snape''': "A person can, however, be a horcrux."
--> '''Harry''': "What's, uh, what's a horcrux?"
--> '''Snape''': "I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough."
* '''Harry''': "A goat? Oh my God, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally."

--> '''Harry''': *hiding under the Invisibility Cloak* "Did he just say 'dragons'?"
--> '''Snape''': *to Dumbledore* "Did you just say 'did he just say dragons'?"
--> '''Dumbledore''': "I must have because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to have ''shut up'', Potter."

--> '''Ron''': "Where are you going? I'm still mad and sad."
--> '''Harry''': "Hold on, HP's gonna take his own advice, pal."

--> '''Harry''': "Cedric! You are so annoying! OK? You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy all the time. This spare dude. You're such a spare!"
--> '''Voldemort''': "Kill the spare!"
* '''Ron''': "So good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I am never going to be happy again!"

--> '''Harry''': "Yeah, and furthermore, do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?"
--> '''Draco''': "Oh, well, I guess if you're giving me the option, I'll kick my own ass, thanks."

--> '''Draco''': "You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what I'd give her on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being the ugliest and 10 being pretty? I'd give her… an 8. 8.5. More like a 9. Not, not higher than a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10… because I'm worth it."

-->'''Ron:'': Regulus Black, Sirius's brother?

--->'''Dumbledore''': Severus! What's the goofiest thing you've ever done? Because I bet I just topped it!
--->'''Snape''': I doubt it. My actions led directly to the death of the only thing I've ever loved…
--->'''Audience''': Awww…
--->'''Dumbledore''': [[MoodWhiplash This is probably twice as funny as that!]]

* Joe… ''Professor Snape's'' interview with [[MrFanservice Joe]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp7oF3NQ1xA&list=PL42870D44BF01425F&index=7&feature=plpp_video Walker]]. You can tell Walker is trying ''so hard'' to not punch Snape.
** Speaking of which
-->Snape: If you had a favorite animal, would you pick a duck or a chicken?
-->Joe: A duck--
-->Snape: *loud duck/buzzing noise*

-->Umbridge: But your Mama's not a bad mama. In fact, she's pretty cool. Right?

-->Umbridge: Right!

-->Umbridge (to Hermione): I don't like you, Granger! And I don't like the way you don't like yourself! In fact, you remind of me of me at your age.
-->Hermione: Ohh, God!
* Snape: Alright, that's enough! As much as I'd like to see some of these bastards beaten *points at Harry* it's against the rules. Now come on kids. I've got a fun lesson planned. To the dungeons.
-->*Everyone but Umbridge* Yaaay!

-->*Audience gasps in horror*

-->'''Hermione''': Someone's coming!
-->'''Ron''': It's not me, I swear!

-->'''Snape''': A Portkey can be a harmless thing like a football or a dolphin.
-->'''Hufflepuff Girl''': Professor, can, like, a person be a portkey?
-->'''Snape''': No, because if the person were to [[ADateWithRosiePalms touch themselves…]] [Looks at Ron]

-->'''Ginny''': Konnichiwa, Cho Chang. It is GOOD to MEET you. I am GIN-ny Weas-LEY.
-->'''Lavender''': BITCH, I AIN'T CHO CHANG!
-->'''Ron''': That's Lavender Brown! RACIST SISTER! *DopeSlap*

* Voldemort to Bellatrix--"You want to try something new? Get on the table… now sit up…" ''[[spoiler: *Sits back-to-back with her like with Quirrel.*]]''
** '''Voldemort''': "Now two people are mad at me!"

-->'''Draco''': Pigfarts, Pigfarts here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts yum yum yum-

-->'''Ron''': Every time I look at her I get these pains in my chest and I know it's her fault--that ''bitch''.

-->'''Snape''': Potter, I'll show you what you need to do. Watch, very, carefully…
-->[[spoiler: '''Snape''': (Drops Dead)]]
-->'''Draco''': He didn't even do anything.
-->[[spoiler: '''Harry''': That's because he's dead you dumb mother--]]

--> '''Draco''': [[SarcasmMode Hmm, let me think about--]] no.
--> '''Harry''': C'mon, I'll give you my gushers!
--> '''Draco''': No. I've got a fruit by the foot, so I don't want your gushers.
--> '''Harry''': Look, I'll even throw in my Teddy Grahams so you can make little gusher-teddy-graham sandwiches.

-->'''Snape''': WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEE--[[MoodWhiplash (normal voice) ]]--Whoa, deja vu, I'm sorry. [[MoodWhiplash (switches back)]]--EEERE!

-->'''Draco''': My name is Draco Malfoy. I am [[FantasticRacism a racist, I despise gingers and mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor house]], and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. [[MoodWhiplash Do you want to be my friend?]]
-->'''Harry''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint You hate Gryffindor house? Get outta my face Malfoy!]]

-->'''Ron''': Favorite way to say "red wines" in a German accent?
-->'''Ron and Harry''': "Red Vines!" OH MY GOD!

-->'''Harry:''': [[LiteralMetaphor In a cupboard under some stairs!]]

-->'''Firenze''': Finally, I may have found someone powerful enough to survive coitus with the centaurs!
-->'''Kids''': YAY!
-->'''Umbridge''': WUT?!?

* When the Trio and Draco have captured Lucius, and he's explaining [[spoiler: that he isn't Draco's father]]:
-->'''Lucius''': Narcissa choreographed an affair with someone behind my back. Someone I trusted. Someone I may have even loved.
-->'''Harry''': Ollivander?
-->'''Hermione''': Filch?
-->'''Ron''': Regulus Black, Sirius's brother?
-->'''Yaxley''': ME?
** Also, this, after Lucius [[spoiler: explains that Draco is not his son, but Dobby's]]:
--->'''Lucius''': [[spoiler: Why else would you have such a little D?]]
--->'''Draco''': [[spoiler: It's ''so'' small…]]
--->'''Lucius''': [[spoiler: It's because you're a ''fucking elf''!]]

---> '''Snape''': That's absurd!
---> '''Lupin''': You're absurd!
---> '''Snape''': [flabbergasted] ''That's absurd!''

* Lupin's victory dance after Gryffindor win the Quidditch match, in which he shamelessly marches up and down the stage, covered in blood and dressed in nothing but his underwear, smacking his own ass. This troper was laughing so hard that her sister thought she was having an asthma attack.

-->'''Snape''': Why did you call me out of bed at this hour--''(sees the poster)'' Where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?!
-->'''Umbridge''': I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man.
-->'''Snape''': ''(points at her in abject horror)'' What do you want, you horrid ''bitch''?!
** Later on, when the poster of Zac Efron is rightly restored, we get the tiny cameo of [[spoiler:Voldemort]] popping in.

-->'''Hermione''': He's like my second favorite superhero!
-->'''Ron''': ''(pissed)'' Second?

-->'''Ron''': When you use the Protronus, you have to have a happy thought, okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, I'm just super sad. There is absolutely no way we can win.
-->'''Harry''': No way? You listen to me to me now, for 11 years I was a little douche bag locked up under some stairs. But this year? I've found I'm a wizard, and I'm famous, and I can fly, and turn invisible, and I just traveled ''the fuck back in time!'' So fuck you Draco, how's that for a happy thought? (Cue Song)

-->'''Harry''': What flavor did you get?
-->'''Ron''': …defeat.

--> '''Snape''': So Lupin, what do you like to do in the full moonlight?
--> '''Lupin''': Why that's easy, Snape. KILL! (The kids gasp) I mean, kill animals! (The kids gasp some more) I mean, dance with animals! (They sigh in relief)

-->'''Snape''': Hey Lupin, want to come look at the full moon with me? HAHA zombie! ''*runs off*''

--> '''Hermione''': That's it, you said my name right!
--> '''Harry''': [Excitedly] Really? Her--man--munster?

--> '''Remus''': What's your happy thought, Ron? Maybe a certain frumpy haired witch?
--> '''Ron''': (who had been massaging Hermione's back, jumps back in horror and puts his arm around Harry) No, I was thinking about Harry.
--> '''Harry''': Oh cool, what a coincidence, I was thinking about myself too.

--> '''Sirius''': "What I actually said was I want to hug... and kiss him. *hugs and kisses Harry*"
--> '''Harry''': "I believe him guys. He saw my parents in the mirror, and well, you can't fake that!"

--> '''Umbridge''': "And, from that moment forward, I picked up everything I could find and hoisted it up over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Because, I’ll tell you, girls, it’s a man’s world out there and to get ahead, you gotta be stronger than a man. You gotta be a '''WO''-MAN. I AM WOMAN… HEAR ME SMASH!"

* Not from the play itself but Tom Felton's reaction to the casting is pretty hilarious.
---> '''Fan''': She rolls around on the floor a lot.
--->'''Felton:''' Rolls around on the floor a lot…?
---> [[{{Beat}} * beat *]]
--->'''Felton:''' SHE!?!

* A meta example, but this audience reaction.
-->Ron: [[RunningGag Redvine]]?
-->Harry: For the first time in my life… I don't want one.
-->*Audience gasps in horror*
* When Umbridge gets confused when Harry and friends appear behind her [[spoiler: after she sees their past selves leave in front of her]]:
-->'''Umbridge''': Potter!?! But--but--but I--but you just went--but I saw you go--but--DUUUUUURRRRRR!!!

-->'''Sirius''': Harry, I'm homeless… Can I live with ''you''?

* [[spoiler:Dumbledore's {{Paper Thin Disguise}}. "I'm just your everyday working class blue collar… gay guy with a beard."]]
* [[spoiler:Lockhart's MotiveRant for wanting to bring Harry Potter's stories to the Muggle world and TakeThat at the commercialization of the Harry Potter franchise.]]
-->'''Ron''': [[spoiler:But Mr. Lockhart, if you sell Harry's story to Muggles you'll expose wizards! That's like taking our whole world and… and…]]
-->[[spoiler:'''Lockhart''']]: [[spoiler:Fucking it in the face?]]
-->'''Ron''': Yeah.
-->[[spoiler:'''Lockhart''']]: [[spoiler:That's the idea. I'm going to make these books HUGE; then real fun begins! [[OnlyInItForTheMoney Do you have any idea how much I'm going to make on merchandise?]] The Severus Snape beach towel! The Hermione Granger toothbrush! How about a "real" wand, you little Muggle bastards!? Well, guess what kiddies: they're just resin! They don't shoot spells! And boy howdy, do they break like fucking twigs! T-shirts, bed sheets, [[VideoGame/HarryPotter video games]], action figures. And in time, a theme park in sunny Orlando, Florida, 85 bucks a head! How about a ''real'' butterbeer! 9 bucks, please! It's just cream soda, you [[PunctuatedForEmphasis FUCKING. IDIOTS!]] I'm going to squeeze the Harry Potter franchise for every last, red cent. And once I have all that money, I'm going to shrink myself to the size of a fucking mouse!]]
** Another line from [[spoiler:Lockhart]] in the buildup to his monologue. "You can find Harry [[spoiler:in your neighborhood bookstore this fall, motherfucker]]."
* The whole scene with [[spoiler:Lily and Cedric,]] but especially: "Looks like I'm your Heavenly Father now, eh, Potter?"

--->'''Snape''': Harry, did I do that so people would like me? No, I ''hate'' people!
* Harry named his son after two bravest men he knew: Albus [[spoiler:Scarfy]] Potter.

-->'''Luna''': Oh, you're washing blood off your hands [[NoodleIncident too]]?

* The scene where [[spoiler:Hermione tries to seduce Lockhart]] is made of these. From the [[DoubleEntendre double entendres]], to [[spoiler:Lockhart's]] descriptions of how he had to alter [[spoiler:[[Literature/HarryPotter Hermione's essays]]]] to appeal to a general audience to his monologue about [[spoiler:[[CloudCuckooLander his dream of ruling over mice]]]], the scene is full of comedic gold.

* [[spoiler:Voldemort's death sequence. The narrator goes into dramatic detail about light shooting out of his body and his face melting to reveal a skull on fire, etc, but all Joe can do is flail about and make crazy faces as it keeps getting insane.]]
-->[[spoiler:'''Narrator''': Joe Walker dies.]]
* [[spoiler: Lupin swears and Harry immediately covers his ears. Lupin then corrects himself.]]
* As Madame Pomfrey takes [[spoiler:Moaning Myrtle's body to be fed to the house elves]], Chris Allen is having to be dragged/rolled off stage in the most hilarious way possible.

--> Ron: How'd the sword get up in you Sorty?

* Goyle drew "an old, majestic owl". He refuses to add a speach bubble saying 'Vote for Malfoy, he's a hoot', because he doesn't think the owl would say that.

* The entire central concept of the script is hilarious: [[spoiler: it's hardly a ChristmasSpecial at all, the Potter Christmas party only a FramingDevice for Harry to tell the (probably made-up) story of how his mom and dad fought each other in an official court case to decide what houses to sort the Franchise/{{Ghostbusters}} into.]]
* The script opens with an extensive description of the future of the Wizarding World [[spoiler:despite the fact that most of it does not take place in that setting]]. Essentially, all of the iconic establishments from the books have been bought out by brand counterparts; smartphones have replaced wands and have apps like "Litter"[[note]]a place to post trash- [[TakeThat "essentially Twitter"]][[/note]], "Shitter"[[note]]a place to post the smells of crap[[/note]], "Bitter"[[note]]a social media to complain about social media[[/note]], and a [=F2P=] "Maruader's App"; Hogwarts finally has added real world subjects like math to the curriculum, and, after many reboots of the franchise, [[AuthorAppeal the Sam Raimi Spider-Man films remain the most loved]].

-->'''Harry''': It's all anyone talked about! Kind of like how when ''I'' was in school we all sarcastically liked ''Film/HighSchoolMusical''!
* During the Marauders flashbacks, good quotation of 80s pop-culture, particularly Ghostbusters, is extremely SeriousBusiness. Lily gets praised for a Zoltar reference, and even Snape is given immense respect for an obscure ''Film/GhostbustersII'' quote. [[spoiler:It's such SeriousBusiness that James almost loses the trial for opening with nothing but ''obvious'' ''Franchise/{{Ghostbusters}}'' references.]]
* Dumbledore explains away a potential PlotHole from the books regarding how Dumbledore defeated an Elder Wand-equipped Grindelwald in a way that very much fits his Very Potter characterization: [[spoiler:he seduced him, stole his wand, and killed him in his sleep]].

--->'''Sorty''': The top of a kid's head is shoved up my ass and then I read their mind. I learn all their darkest secrets and place them in a house depending on whether they're brave, clever, good at finding, or an ambitious dickhead.

* James' only argument for why "textbook Hufflepuff" Ray Stanz would be a Gryffindor: [[spoiler:"Who, if not a BRAVE man, looks at a GHOST and says... "Suck my c**k.""]]
* In a world in which Franchise/{{Ghostbusters}} is held up as holy writ, [[spoiler:no one except James knows or cares about the name of Creator/SigourneyWeaver's character.]]
* At the end of the play, [[spoiler:[[ThrowTheDogABone Draco finally gets his rocketship from Voldemort]], because the technology became available, but [[YankTheDogsChain returns it due to not recognizing his own misspelled name]]]].

* A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo4CxmvmdQ8 performance of the play was put on in Bethel, Maine]]. Its production values are slightly lower than the original and it's mostly faithful to the script, but it has a few stand-out moments of its own, most of them taking advantage of its cast. For instance, its Harry eventually acknowledges that he plays, not a guitar, but a ''baritone ukulele''. Also Molly Weasley is [[spoiler:played as a SassyBlackWoman instead of a JewishMother, with Ron providing only "long story" as an explanation for why his mother is black.]]

* During one performance of the Sequel, Umbridge's shoe flew off after she high-kicked Hermione in the face. All of the actors noticed it and barely contained their laughter… except for Darren, who was ''completely clueless''.