The Life of a Wizard
is a RWBY Self-Insert Crack Fic by Side-Man on Wattpad.
After a random RWBY fan wakes up in the body of Ozpin after getting really drunk the night before, he does what he does best: stir up some delightful chaos! Hijinks ensue as SI!Ozpin proceeds to throw some massive monkey wrenches into Salem's plans and have fun in the process.
This fic contains examples of:
- Abled in the Adaptation: Amber is awakened from her coma and later reclaims the rest of her Fall Maiden powers from Cinder.
- Adaptational Karma:
- Cardin gets bashed in the head with a coffee mug before he is slugged in the gut by SI!Ozpin for being a racist jackass to Velvet, with Oz informing him in no uncertain terms that unless he knocks it off regarding his racist behavior towards Faunus, he will be kicked out of Beacon, no ifs or buts, before leaving Cardin for Glynda to deal with.
- Raven is unceremoniously humiliated by Ozpin before being forced into being his maid. Considering how she callously abandoned her own husband and daughter just so she could be a bandit leader, she deserves every second of her punishment.
- Bullying a Dragon: The Malachite sisters attempt to attack Ozpin after Oz interrogates Hei Xiong Junior for Roman Torchwick's location. Unfortunately for them, Ozpin's far more powerful than they are by a wide margin, and he also has Siegfried on his side, resulting in both women losing against Ozpin and Siegfried.
- Cool and Unusual Punishment: Two so far:
- Leonardo Lionheart is made SI!Ozpin's personal manservant as punishment for being a coward who joined Salem to save his own skin.
- Raven Branwen is forced into being SI!Ozpin's maid as karma for abandoning her husband and daughter.
- Crossover: SI!Ozpin summons numerous Servants from Fate/Grand Order to help him with his operations.
- Curb-Stomp Battle:
- Raven doesn't even stand a chance against Ozpin, with Oz trouncing her before stripping her of her Spring Maiden power.
- The Malachite sisters attack Ozpin in the belief that they can defeat him. Ozpin swiftly disabuses them of that notion, and that's before Siegfried enters the scene.
- I Need a Freaking Drink: Qrow chugs the entire contents of his flask after hearing from Ozpin that Summer Rose is now alive, Oz summoned a hero from the past as a familiar, and that Jaune not only is Ozpin's disciple, but is also in a poly relationship with Pyrrha and Team RWBY, which include Qrow's nieces Yang and Ruby.
- Noodle Incident: Apparently, SI!Ozpin had ran into a dominatrix who was terrifyingly similar to Glynda Goodwitch in his past life.
- Point of Divergence: When you have a chaotic hellraiser like SI!Ozpin calling the shots in the story, things are going to change a lot in the story.
- Jaune takes several levels on the badass scale thanks to the Training from Hell he receives from SI!Ozpin, allowing him to actually hold his own in combat rather than be a pushover.
- Summer Rose is rescued before she can die of her injuries thanks to SI!Ozpin using Kaleidoscope magic to travel back in time to the moment she was left for dead and bring her to Beacon Academy's infirmary for healing.
- Leonardo Lionheart retires as headmaster of Haven Academy after Ozpin makes him confess to his treachery, depriving Salem of a valuable spy within Ozpin's inner circle.
- Roman Torchwick is convinced by Ozpin join his side, averting his canonical fate of being Eaten Alive by a Grimm and granting Ozpin eyes and ears into Cinder's plans.
- Cinder never gets to implant her virus into the CCT system thanks to the beefed-up cybersecurity Ozpin and his allies implemented, which, combined with Ozpin personally showing up to catch Cinder in the act, ensures that her plan to infiltrate and destroy Beacon is dead in the water thanks to her and her minions being arrested.
- Cinder being exposed and arrested prompts Salem to send Watts, Hazel, and Tyrian to attack Beacon.
- Polyamory: Jaune is currently in a multipartner relationship with Pyrrha, Team RWBY, and Velvet.
- Shipper on Deck: SI!Ozpin encourages Jaune to date Pyrrha as well as Team RWBY just because.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Raven's bandit clan ditches their leader after they witness Ozpin utterly thrash her in combat.
- The Stations of the Canon: Averted to hell and back with SI!Ozpin, who decides to not play by the rules Ozma and Salem have operated by in their extremely long Secret War.
- Tampering with Food and Drink: SI!Ozpin deliberately poisoned the steak he gives Jaune to teach him a lesson on maintaining situational awareness, also taking the time to inform Jaune that even the utensils should be checked in case there's a Clean Food, Poisoned Fork situation.
- Training from Hell: Jaune is put through the ringer by SI!Ozpin, be it doing exercises with weights on his arms and legs or sparring with Ozpin 24/7, in order to actually have the combat skills required of a Huntsman. It ends up working to Jaune's benefit, obviously.
- Troll: SI!Ozpin in a nutshell: if he can do something to mess with people in the most hilarious way possible, he'll do it with a smile on his face.
- We Have Become Complacent: Ozpin points out to Ironwood that Atlas' cybersecurity straight-up sucks thanks to Atlas being overconfident in their power: not only are the Atlesian Knight robots highly susceptible to cyberattack because they are directly linked to the CCT network, but the CCT firewalls themselves haven't been upgraded in years, and given how Arthur Watts is the guy responsible for Atlas' innovations in tech and computing, it's not out of the realm of possibility that he left a few backdoor programs for him to utilize.
- Year Inside, Hour Outside: SI!Ozpin's personal Hyperbolic Time Chamber works just like its Dragon Ball counterpart in that time is massively slowed down inside, which he reminds Jaune of when he begins the boy's Training from Hell to bring him up to snuff.
