Fanfic / Fools And Drunks

A My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic novel written by Jordan179 starting in 2015. The story is now close to complete at 20 chapters and over 92,000 words.

Set in Season 5, spring of the YOH 1505.

"They say a guardian angel watches over fools, drunkards and children."

April, YOH 1505. Snailsquirm Carrot has just turned sixteen, and his few-months older best friend Snipsy Snap Fields decides to help him celebrate what he regards as his newfound stallionhood by doing something perhaps a bit less cautious and well-considered than their usual wont. What could possibly go wrong?

Available here.

Foolish drunken tropes appearing in this tale include:

• Accidental Murder: Grey Hoof did not intend to kill the peddler stallion when he fought him. Even more generally true of that fatal patrol. The only intentional murderer at that time was Gladstone.
• Alcohol-Induced Idiocy: How Snips and Snails wind up trapped in Sunney Towne, but then they were idiots to begin with.
• All the Good Men Are Gay: Two female characters are sexually attracted to Snails/Glittershell, though she is only aware that one of these attractions is sexual.
  • Ermine ("Ermie") Lightning, who is 13 and unaware that Snails is Glittershell.
  • Sweetie Belle, who is 15 and very much aware both of Snails being Glittershell, and that this attraction is hopeless on her part, but can't help it.
• Barred from the Afterlife: The Wraiths of Sunney Towne, by the Curse of Nightmare Moon.
• Beer Goggles: Debatable. Snails, being Glittershell, is naturally attracted to males, so it's not that surprising that she kisses Snips, though it is surprising that the normally shy Glittershell would dare to do this. The surprising part is that just before this, the normally-straight and male Snips comments to Snails that if he were a girl, he'd be pretty. Of course, both of them are pretty drunk at that moment.
• Bring My Brown Pants: Happens more than once to characters.
  • Both Snips and Snails pee uncontrollably when Ruby first reveals her Death Aspect to them.
  • In the flashback, Gladstone is terrified into loss of bladder control when menaced by a berserk Princess Luna.
• Can't Hold His Liquor: Ironically, it is the more experienced drinker Snips who winds up incapacitated to the point of being unable to even stand up; the naive Snails is never more than tipsy.
• Coming of Age Story: For Snips and Snails in the present, and for Ruby Gift in her extended flashback.
• Dangerous 16th Birthday: This is Snails' 16th birthday, and he finds himself in more trouble than he's ever been in his life.
• Did Not Think This Through: Cozen Grey Hoof's paranoia to make yourself his right-hoof henchpony, check. Trick Grey Hoof into kiling his own beloved daughter Ruby Gift, check. And when Ruby Gift's super-equine patron Princess Luna shows up to the party, as you knew in advance she would ... Got a plan for that, Gladstone?
• Disposing of a Body: After Grey Hoof kills Ruby, the Sunney Towners have to decide what to do with the corpse. Since they believe that Ruby had the Mark-Pox, they decide to burn the body to end the risk of contagion.
• Disproportionate Retribution: Gladstone tricked Grey Hoof into killing Ruby. So Luna turns into Nightmare Moon, kills everypony in Sunney Towne, and Curses them to remain there as Wraiths Barred from the Afterlife. Excessive?
• The Dung Ages: Ruby Gift is well aware that the Equestria she grew up in over a thousand years ago was smaller, poorer and less technologically-advanced than is modern Equestria, and she tries her best to explain it to Snips and Snails.
• The Farmer and the Viper: How Gladstone responds to any and all kindness shown him by Ruby Gift.
• First Kiss: Glittershell isn't sure whether or not she has hers, with Snips, on two occasions.
  • First, when she kisses him when he is drunk and asleep.
  • The next day, when she sucks possibly poison blood out of a bite wound on his rump.
• Foregone Conclusion: Ruby is going to wind up dead by the end of her flashback. So will the other Sunney Towners, since they are all undead in the present day.
• Friendly Ghost: Three of the Sunney Towne Wraiths are helpful or at least non-hostile to Snips and Snails. These are Ruby Gift, her mother Mitta Gift and Three Leaf.
• Ghost Reunion Ending: How Ruby's extended flashback ends, with the newly-undead Wraiths standing sadly in the burning ruins of Sunney Towne. A Foregone Conclusion, since we know they all will die and rise again as Wraiths.
• Hand-or-Object Underwear: Glittershell, suffering from her embarrassing Raging Stiffie, sits on a rock in such a manner that the erection is invisible. Snips mocks her for this, and Glittershell eventually gets up off the rock when the Cutie Mark Crusaders are there, assuming her erection has subsided. It hasn't.
• Hillbilly Moonshiner: White Lightning and his family are a whole gang of the Equestrian equivalents.
• Hormone-Addled Teenager: Three prominent ones in-story.
  • Snips, aged 16, who is in some sort of sleazy romance with an acrobatic mare we never meet, and thinks that Snails needs to get laid.
  • Roneo and Starlet, both 18, who are obsessed with their upcoming Betrothal in part because Trothing means that they can start having sex.
  • Averted with Ruby Gift, who even at 14 going on 15 has a fairly mature and reasonable attitude toward love, though she most definitely has her own romantic dreams.
• Horror Hunger: The Wraiths lust for Life Energy, which is why most of them hut for victims. Even Ruby Gift and her mother Mitta Gift are not entirely immune to this desire.
• Incompatible Orientation: A repeated problem for Snails/Glittershell, and in both directions
  • Snips, who is straight, cannot be attracted to anypony with a male anatomy.
  • Glittershell, who is straight, cannot be attracted to anypony with a female anatomy, notably
    • Ermine Lightning, who is attracted to both Snails' appearance and personality, and
    • Sweetie Belle, who is attracted to both Snails' appearance and Glittershell's personality.
• In Vino Veritas: When they get drunk enough, Snails starts openly manifesting Glittershell's attraction to stallions, Snips tells Snails that he'd make a cute filly, and Glittershell tops all this by kissing Snips (though Snips falls asleep and never realizes that Snails did this.
• Kill the Cutie: The fate of Ruby Gift, who was young, innocent, spunky and entirely admirable.
• Kissing Under the Influence: Glittershell has her First Kiss, with Snips, because they both get drunk. Snips is unconscious for this event.
• Liminal Time: It is close to midnight on Snails' 16th birthday when Snips leads him to Sunney Towne, a Land of the Dead.
• Liquid Courage: The shy Glittershell would never have had the guts to kiss Snips if she hadn't gotten drunk first.
• Madness Mantra: "Murdering beauty and passion," said by Luna about the killing of Ruby. Doubles as a Shout-Out to Duo Cartoonist's "Children of the Night."
• Meaningful Rename: Some years ago, Snails realized she was psychologically female and chose to call herself "Glittershell," but in story notably only does so at moments when she considers her femininity or romantic or sexual emotions important. A moment comes in chapter 26 when she must fight for her life, alone, and decides that she will fight and perhaps die as herself. Notably, from that moment on, Glittershell begins to display greater confidence and competence.
• Mercy Kill: What Grey Hoof imagines he does when he kills his daughter Ruby Gift, believing her to have the Mark-Pox. Sadly, he is deluded, and being manipulated by Gladstone into the act.
• Misplaced Retribution: Nightmare Moon's actions against everypony in Sunney Towne save for Grey Hoof and Gladstone. At most the others were guity of inaction, and in most cases they were in no position to prevent the crime.
• Morality Chain: Ruby Gift was one of the Ponies whose friendship kept Princess Luna equine and able to resist the temptation to call upon the power of Nightmare Moon. When Ruby is murdered by her own father ...
• Offing the Offspring: Grey Hoof kills Ruby Gift.
• Raging Stiffie: Happens to the unfortunate Glittershell on two seperate occasions, and made worse by the fact that Glittershell is uncomfortable with her very possession of a male member:
  • When Snips boasts to Snails that he had oral sex with an acrobatic mare.
    • It's actually the thought of sexuality involving Snips (rather than the acrobat) exciting Glittershell, and
    • Glittershell inadvertently shows off her erection to the Cutie Mark Crusaders (while accidentally saying some suggestive things) in an extended conversation. Even more embarrassing because Scootaloo finds the situation utterly hilarious.
  • Happens the next day to Glittershell when she is being carried by the undead Sergeant Bravesword, slung over his back belly-down, the mass illusion cast by the Curse restores Bravesword's living appearance, and Glittershell realizes that he's very handsome (in addition to being kindly). Made worse by the fact that the resultant erection then presses into Bravesword's side. (The good Sergeant is philosophical about the occurrence).
• Rape Is a Special Kind of Evil: Gladstone is the only Sunney Towne Wraith who would rape his thralls, and the rest of the Sunney Towne Wraiths find this to varying degrees disturbing. Ruby is outright disgusted by his actions.
• Revenge Myopia: One or two of the Ponies of Sunney Towne, most notably Grey Hoof and Gladstone were guilty of Ruby's murder. Nightmare Moon kills every single Pony in town
• Roaring Rampage of Revenge: What Princess Luna, or rather Nightmare Moon, does to Sunney Towne after she discovers Ruby has been slain.
• Start of Darkness: Several are shown.
  • Grey Hoof was a local hero who only slew in defense of the ones he loved, before he murdered the peddler stallion
  • Gladstone was a wannabe hero who most desired his father's respect, before he killled the other two peddlers.
  • Three Leaf was an honest healer before the murders commited by Grey Hoof (her beloved) and Gladstone (her son) led her to lie to try to cover them up and shield them from punishment.
  • Luna may have committed crimes before as her sanity slipped, but the murder of Ruby leads her to destroy all Sunney Towne and then fly off to attack Foreverfree itself.
  • Most of the Sunney Towners, such as Roneo and Starlet, were not at all evil until they were cursed to become Wraiths.
• Suddenly Sober: Played straight with Snails, who sobers up quickly when he realizes that he and Snips are about to be attacked by murderous ghosts. Averted with Snips, who is barely able to speak, let alone stand, even after Ruby shows him her horrific Death Aspect.
  • Some of the Sunney Towne Ponies sober up a bit when they realize that Princess Luna is furious regarding the death of Ruby Gift. Others are unable to react due to their drunkeness. At least one sleeps through everything — including the slaughter at Sunney Towne and his own death.
• Supernaturally-Validated Trans Person: The undead of Sunney Towne more easily see souls than forms, and Glittershell's soul is that of a mare rather than stallion. They are startled by the mismatch between her soul and her body.
• Suspiciously Specific Denial: When Luna questions the Sunney Towners about the death of Ruby, Gladstone does this twice — indeed, the first time his denial is what informs Luna in the first place of Ruby's death. Counts as Laser-Guided Karma because Ruby had warned him that if he came under investigation the Night Watch would soon discover the truth. Luna is the leader of the Night Watch.
• Talking to Themself: After examining Ruby's corpse, an obviously very shaken Luna talks out loud in what sounds like a conversation with herself: it is Luna talking to the Night Shadow that can fuse with her to make Nightmare Moon. Luna counsels caution and respect for equine rights; the Night Shadow urges her to kill them all.
• That Came Out Wrong: Snips and Snails unleash several of these at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, made funnier in the context of Snails' Raging Stiffie, and Snips and Snails never realize what the things they said sounded like. The CMC do, though.