Exact Words / Comic Strips

• Dilbert
  • In a comic, the company is at thirty dollars a share when Dogbert offers to buy them, but their value promptly falls. Dogbert then offers to pay "the full thirty dollars" for their stock. They ended up selling him the entire stock for thirty dollars and not thirty dollars per share.
  • Dogbert does this a lot. At one point he ran an investment firm, and promised clients that if they let him manage their investments, they could one day own "this", said while holding up a photo of a mansion.
    Client: I could own a mansion?!
    Dogbert: You could own a photograph.
  • And then there is the department who has the rule "don't shoot the messenger". So they tarred and feathered them instead.
  • In this strip, Wally assures the boss that he does not have (only) two jobs outsourced to Elbonia.
• A frequent source of humor in FoxTrot.
  • For example:
    (Peter is doing the dishes)
    Peter: It's unbelievable how much homework I have to do tonight! I can't remember the last time I had this many things due! I don't know what all my teachers were thinking!
    Andy: In that case, sweetie, why don't I do the dishes?
    (later on)
    Jason: I thought you had no homework...
    Peter: It's all in how you say it.
  • Jason asks his mom if he can keep playing a driving game for a sec. He later clarifies that he meant a parsec^note Seeing as a parsec is a unit of distance, not time, he's really grasping at straws, thought it is a driving game, so.... Obviously this doesn't work.
  • Andy discovers that a plate of fresh cookies was missing, and she asks Paige if she's seen what happened to them. Paige calls back that no, she hasn't. Cut to her and Jason, eating cookies while wearing blindfolds and Jason saying that he had been wondering why they had to wear them.
  • Those instances where Andy tells the kids they can have one piece of candy, or one scoop of ice-cream... Jason has melted all his candy to form one giant piece, Paige manages to take the entire tub of ice-cream out in one scoop. Really, the kids are amazing at this.
  • Peter gets this probably even more since he's the Stomach of the family. For example, Andy said he could eat "the last doughnut"; he eats the full box to find out "which one." Another time, he tries to eat a pan of brownies before they've been cut which is, at that point, technically one brownie. Andy catches him that time and makes him cut them into smaller pieces.
  • Some other examples: Peter and Jason saying they ate one slice of pizza apiece: a large pizza cut in half. Another is Paige asking if she can have a banana as a pre-dinner snack. She eats half a loaf of banana-chocolate chip bread to get to the banana.
  • Andy catches Peter when he mentions he's halfway done with his summer reading list. She realizes correctly he means he's halfway through reading the list, not halfway through reading the books on the list.
  • Jason allows Peter to go see the film Thor with them for the weekend (even though he's only going to see it for Natalie Portman), although under the condition that he dress up as Thor for the movie like themselves. Peter then asks what qualifies as wearing a Thor costume. It then cuts to them on the sidewalk with Jason and Marcus wearing Thor helmets, a long blond wig, and Thor's hammer with Peter wearing an outrageous costume that is composed of a Philadelphia Eagles helmet, a utility hammer, and a curly blond clown's wig, with Peter saying "What?! You said a hammer, a blond wig, and a helmet with wings!" to an embarrassed Jason and a shocked Marcus when about to enter the car.
  • Still another strip has this:
    Andy: Jason, I thought I told you to turn that off at 8:00!
    Jason: Okay, mom.
    (Jason turns the TV off with his remote, then turns it back on a second later)
    Andy: What did I tell you?
    Jason: It's 8:01 now.
  • And another has Andy ask Paige how she did on her test, and Paige responding, "Infinitely better than I expected." In the final panel, she reveals that the trick is to expect a zero, since any positive number would be an infinite percentage greater than 0. Peter says he should try that some time.
• Calvin and Hobbes:
  • Calvin tries this after being ordered "upstairs, in the tub now!" Calvin lies down in the empty bathtub, proclaiming:
    Calvin: I obey the letter of the law, if not the spirit.
    Calvin's Mother: Let's hear some water running!
    Calvin: Nuts.
  • Another:
    Calvin's Mother: Did you pick up your room?
    Calvin: I tried, but I couldn't lift it! Get it? AHAHAHAHA!!
    (she throws him back in his room)
  • When asked to explain Newton's First Law in his own words, he writes in his own words: "Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz."
    Calvin: I love loopholes.
  • Calvin is somehow falling from the sky and finds his transmogrifier gun. He exclaims "I'm safe", then is promptly transmogrified into a safe.
  • In the strip that gave name to the Noodle Incident trope, Calvin deploys this when, on being called out on said incident by Hobbes, he shouts that "no one can prove I did that!" The astute reader will note that the fact that no one being able to prove he did something is not the same thing as not doing it...
  • Calvin's teacher accosts him when he's daydreaming during geography class and asks him what state he's living in. He answers "denial," and she considers this an apt enough answer that she doesn't bother with bothering him anymore.
  • Calvin asks to be excused in class because "he has to go." Miss Wormwood assumes he's talking about the bathroom, and lets him leave. He does go...home.
  • In one strip, Calvin demands a bedtime story from his extremely busy dad, saying he won't sleep without one. His frustrated father proceeds to technically read a story:
    Calvin's Father: Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The End.
  • When Susie gets a smiley face sticker on her quiz, Calvin sarcastically says, “Whoop-dee-doo for you.” She smugly asks him if he got a frowny face sticker and he says he didn’t. The last panel shows him with an ugly expression, thinking, “I didn’t even know they made barfing face stickers.”
  • Calvin once outsmarts Hobbes this way. When arriving home, he shouts "I'm home!" without opening the door first. After Hobbes slams headfirst into the door while trying to tackle him as usual, Calvin smugly notes he didn't say he was inside.
• Garfield is a master of this.
  • Arguably his finest moment was at the beach, when Jon chastised him about burying Odie in the sand. Garfield defends himself by claiming, "I only buried him up to his knees." Upside-down.
  • "If you take one bite of my pie, Garfield, I'll smack your fat little paws". Garfield's response to Jon's threat: he destroyed the pie and stated "If I can't have it, neither can he".
  • Jon once wanted to take Garfield for a trip, but Garfield didn't want to get inside the kitty carrier. Jon was quite clear: "Before we go on this trip, one of us is going to have to get into this kitty carrier". Garfield then stuffed Jon inside.
  • Last helping. Jon took the last helping of lasagna and allowed Garfield to do whatever he wished with the pan. Garfield hit Jon with it.
  • One drumstick.◊ Jon tells Garfield that he's only allowed "one drumstick per day" due to a current diet. Garfield promptly produces a gigantic drumstick and remarks that he "found a butcher who carries pterodactyl."
  • "No desserts." When Jon puts Garfield on yet another diet, he tells the fat cat that he'll ease him into it by forbidding desserts for the rest of the week. Garfield agrees, then immediately heads for a layer cake, calling it his main course instead.
  • In a camping strip, Jon makes Garfield check for bears outside the tent. Garfield assures him that there aren't any...then comes back in having been brutally attacked by pumas.
  • One strip◊ has Garfield proclaiming that he "can't eat another bite." Jon then yells off-panel that every scrap of food in the house is gone—Garfield devoured it all and so quite literally can't eat any more. The fat cat lampshades it: "That's what I just said!"
  • Jon told Garfield not to kick Odie off the table. Garfield kicked him onto it.
  • Jon told Garfield not to take the lid off a cookie jar. Garfield then turned the jar upside down and took the jar off the lid.
  • Jon told Garfield not to set foot on Mrs. Feeny's property again. He later had to tell him to get his toes out.
  • Jon asked Liz out for a date and she said she'd think about it after wheeling Garfield to get an X-ray. She does indeed think about it...and answers "no".
  • Jon told Garfield not to hit him "in the face with that pie". Result: "pie down the pants".
  • Jon once placed a box of kitty treats in a room and told Garfield not to take the kitty treats and that they had better be there when he gets back. When he returns, he discovers that Garfield took everything out of the room except for the kitty treats.
  • Similarly, Jon once told Garfield not to destroy the new couch, then heard shredding coming from the next room.
    Jon: Destroyed everything but the couch, right?
    Garfield: Everything.
  • Garfield was drinking coffee when Odie made a "yip" sound at him. Garfield told Odie not to do that, and then Odie barked.
  • Garfield's idea of breakfast in bed is to have his bed filled with breakfast.
  • One strip had Garfield doing his nighttime fence dancing and he asking the audience before he performs not to boo him. They promised, but what do they engage in doing instead? Hissing him.
  • Garfield demands an apology from a talking scale for calling him fat.
    Talking Scale: You're fat!
    Garfield: I demand an apology!
    Talking Scale: Okay, I'm sorry that you're fat!
  • The September 26, 2021 strip combines with trope with Tempting Fate. Garfield goes outside, sees a leaf from a tree turning orange, points at said leaf, and saying in a commanding tone: "I am not ready for autumn yet. Do not fall off that tree!" Cue all other leaves from that tree falling on top of him.
  • In the April 19, 2022 strip, Garfield claims that he needs "to get away from it all". Then he lies down just outside the house.
    Garfield: This is far enough.
  • Garfield is dangling off a tree again in the October 5, 2022 strip. Upon seeing Odie walking below, he calls out: "Odie! Do something!" Odie walks toward the tree... and Garfield panics with an Oh, Crap! expression.
    Garfield: No! No! Not that!
  • In the June 10, 2023 strip, Garfield says he's "a very fast typist". After Jon reads what Garfield typed, Garfield points out he "said fast, not good".
  • In the June 11, 2023 strip, Garfield burps at Jon's face and Jon says "Don't do that! Or anything else on this list!". Garfield reads the list, pours coffee on Jon, and says "Missed one".
  • In the July 3, 2023 strip, Jon asks Garfield to be more cheerful when the latter complains about Monday. Garfield responds by doing it again in a fake toothy smile.
• U.S. Acres also has its moments.
  • Orson once took up knitting and Lanolin dared him to make her a sweater. Orson then worked on her wool and she became a sweater.
    Lanolin: I have a biiiiiig mouth.
  • Also, when Orson was trying to sleep but Bo was constantly chatting. Orson then asked if Bo would like a pillow for his head. As Bo accepted, Orson stuck Bo's head inside it.
  • In one strip, Orson (as the "Book Fairy") approached Roy, Booker, and Sheldon with a book he claimed would make them "stop watching television". After Booker voiced his skepticism, Orson broke the television screen with the book.
  • Again as the "Book Fairy", Orson told Roy he had a book he [Roy] could really get into. After Roy said he's not into books, Orson "TWAKed" the book at Roy's face.
  • When Orson invited Roy to have water with him, Roy said "Water that touches pig lips will never touch mine" He drank through a straw. While not specifically stated in the story, Roy, as a rooster, doesn't have lips anyway.
  • Booker dared a worm to show his face.◊ The worm then showed a portrait.
  • During the ugly face contest arc, Roy told Lanolin she couldn't "make a reeeally ugly face".◊ He forgot to specify whose face was supposed to be made ugly.
  • Orson was trying to take Bo's photography and asked him to show his teeth.◊ Bo removed them from his mouth.
• A running gag in The Phantom is characters telling "Mr. Walker" that he can't bring a dog into places, and him blithely responding that that's okay, because Devil's a wolf. The way this works might be that when a guy who's naturally intimidating (though not necessarily threatening) makes you go speechless, you lose the ability to stop him from doing anything.
• In Pearls Before Swine, a maitre d' gives Pig and Rat a dish, also telling him to be careful as the plate is hot. He really does mean it. Unfortunately for Pig, Pig thought the maitre d' meant it was "hot" as in having a high temperature, instead of "hot" as in stolen, which resulted in the Police arresting Pig for stealing the plate.
• A couple of examples in For Better or for Worse cartoons:
  • Elizabeth was watching John as he did taxes. John moaned that even with deductions, he ended up paying through the nose. Elizabeth looked industriously at his face to see it happen until he said it was a figure of speech.
  • Michael was saving up his allowance for a pair of roller skates. He ended up spending the money he had saved up to that point, and when he told Elly, she just said, "Money seems to burn a hole in your pockets." Cue Michael and Elizabeth fearfully checking his pockets to make sure they were all right.
  • During supper, Elly suspiciously asked Michael if he was feeding Farley under the table. Michael said he wasn't. He was actually feeding Farley by surreptitiously tossing food scraps behind his chair.
• One story by Don Martin has some kids selling snow tires for an unbelievably low price. Said tires are made of real snow. (They also sell snow shoes, snowmen, snowballs...)
• Zits: In this strip◊, Connie tells Jeremy to put ice in her glass and not to use his hands. (She didn't say anything about feet.)
• In a Peanuts story arc from the 1970s, Marcie ends up joining Peppermint Patty's game of baseball, but keeps getting harassed by an obnoxious He-Man Woman Hater named Thibault. She eventually gets sick of him constantly belittling girls, which leads to the following exchange.
  Marcie: Now look here, you cement-headed male-chauvinist dummy... I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to stand here and listen! If you say one word, I'm going to belt you right across the chops!
  Thibault: Oh?
  POW!
  Marcie: That was one word!
• In Retail, after Cooper's busted charging his electric car in the storeroom, he assures Marla that she won't see the car in there again. Marla notices the suspicious phrasing, but elects to ignore it. He uses cleverly taped together boxes to hide the car.
• One Angus Og strip has Angus' mother cutting peat and saying that if they are to get their peat stack built up for the winter then Angus will need to put his back into it. We cut to a panel of Angus lounging against the side of the stack saying "Don't worry, that's exactly where I've got it".

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