> Check prison register.
You flip through a surprisingly small list of innominate jailhouse inhabitants.
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Recurring Characters
Prisoner # 1 ("The First Guy")
- Achievements in Ignorance: He somehow manages to take out a guard while trying to knock on his own door, kill the guy when he tries to use him as a battering ram, and even use his guts to escape. His bumbling with the pumpkin puzzle somehow eventually helps him and Prisoner #2 finally leave. In the second route, he manages to summon an elf despite not knowing what the runes on his stomach mean.
- Alas, Poor Yorick: When he finds the Guard's head in the pumpkin again, he's so overjoyed he cuddles the rotting lump of flesh.
- Almost Dead Guy: After getting impaled by Prisoner #2's harpoon, he manages to last until the pair finally escapes before he finally succumbs to his wounds.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Has extremely odd methods of getting around problems. In the second route, his first reaction to not having a home is to climb into a pony's mouth to use it for warmth.
- Dreadful Musician: One of the Running Gags in the first route had him sing to pass the time or get people's attention. His skills are apparently bad enough that Prisoner #3 drills to drown him out and pees in his mouth when he keeps going.
- Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: Prisoner #2 harpoons him in an attempt to give him a Mercy Kill.
- Lethal Klutz: His stupidity in trying to open the door to his cell ends with him accidentally killing a man.
- Power Tattoo: Has runes on his stomach that are apparently capable of summoning elves, though he's not aware of what they do until it happens.
- Sanity Slippage: In the second route, he goes from attempting to manipulate an elf into helping him escape to holding a group of children and a pony hostage. Best summed up by this late-game command:> Continue your downward spiral of mental instability.
- Straight Gay: The only indication of his attraction to men is when he pulls out his stash of gay porn and decides to jack off to it. Otherwise, you wouldn't be able to tell under all that dumbass.
- Would Hurt a Child: Played with. He's not above kidnapping kids or trying to pawn them off to fulfill a bargain (to cannibals, no less), but actually harming them himself is right out. The gun he uses to threaten them and the pony had no bullets.
Pre-Reset
Prisoners
Prisoner #2 ("The Other Guy")
- Ambiguously Gay: Prisoner #1 tries cheering him up with his copy of Hunk Rump. We don't know if it works, as the game pauses and unpauses before his reaction can be shown. Considering he's visibly smiling through his thought process when asked to "Make a little love" when the only people seen in the story up until that point are guys and he's upset enough to kill himself when Prisoner #1 dies of blood loss, it's safe to say he probably hasn't ruled men out. He also owns a Hunk Rump trading card that he was pretty sure was a Get Out of Jail Free card until he actually looked at it.
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: He kneels down to apologize for harpooning Prisoner #1 in the gut, but gets distracted by an unfinished puzzle and immediately starts asking where the other pieces are.
- Butt-Monkey: Any plan he attempts with a ladder will inevitably be foiled by an outside force.
- Driven to Suicide: After Prisoner #1 succumbs to his wounds, he's so overcome with loneliness that he shoots himself. Also counts as a Last Survivor Suicide since he's the only introduced character who makes it to the end.
- Expressive Mask: Subverted. He only carves a "happy" and "sad" face into his pumpkin helmet, but sometimes has trouble turning the pumpkin the right way.
- Happy Dance: Rebuilding Logorg into Drillgorg makes him so happy he gets down with his funkiest moves.
- Laser-Guided Karma: He harpoons Prisoner #1 while the latter is stuck in the flooding room, and proceeds to ignore his pained groaning and even make the injury worse by pulling him against the bars on the roof. When he finally manages to unlock the bars and pulls him up, Prisoner #1 accidentally knocks him into the flooding room.
- MacGyvering: Manages to build stilts and key hooks out of a broken ladder, and when both fail, puts enough of it together to be a workable ladder again. When it's broken beyond repair, he fashions it into an (immovable) robot.
- Robbing the Dead: When he comes across a cell with two dead prisoners, he takes a pistol and a violin string to use as a makeshift holster.
Prisoner #3 ("The Drill Guy")
- Forgot About His Powers: "For the first time in your 3 year imprisonment, it occurs to you to drill a large hole in the floor."
- Too Dumb to Live: When he gets his head lodged in the hole he drilled, the first thing he does is flail his legs around in an attempt to pry himself off. He ends up snapping his neck in the process.
"These Two"
A couple of prisoners that killed each other some time in the past. Prisoner #2 finds their skeletons when Prisoner #1 opens the door to their cell. It's likely we'll never figured out what happened to them, so don't bother.- Belated Happy Ending: In Problem Sleuth, one of the guys is able to escape Death's domain and end up marrying Wifehearst.
- Canon Welding: In Problem Sleuth, one of the two corpses turns out to belong to Zombie Ace Dick.
- Hero of Another Story: We never find out what stupidity they got up to before they ended up killing each other. Even when we find out who they were in Problem Sleuth, exactly what went on in the cell is never explained.
- Posthumous Character: The first and last time we see them are after they've been long dead.
- Stripped to the Bone: Whatever did them in, all that's left of them now is their skeletons.
Guard
- Almost Dead Guy: Exaggerated. After getting decapitated and his entrails used as escape rope, he briefly gains consciousness again. The shock and pain from both of these developments kills him a second time.
- Hard Head: Horribly, horribly subverted. Prisoner #1 uses the guard's head in an attempt to break down his cell door, only to unwittingly keep bashing him into a bloody mess.
- Off with His Head!: Prisoner #1 cuts his head off and buries it in a pumpkin.
- Trauma Conga Line: Let's see: gets knocked out twice, has his head bashed in while being used as a makeshift battering ram, gets decapitated, then the rest of his body is mangled by Prisoner #3's runaway drill. He doesn't regain consciousness until after his intestines are being tugged at by Prisoner #2, at which point he realizes that his body is absolutely screwed and promptly expires.
Post-Reset
Elves
- Cartoon Creature: About the only indication that they are elves is the pointy ears.
- Eats Babies: They apparently treat babies as enough of a delicacy that they'll trade a wish just to eat one. Not children, though: when Prisoner #1 tries to give them a trio of schoolchildren as payment for his second wish, they pointedly refuse.
- Everyone Has Standards: Even with the promise of babies, the elves aren't going to interact with some lunatic waving a gun around intending to kill them for wishes.
- The Fair Folk: They behave more in this manner than the usual elf characteristics. They're even willing to trade wishes for the right to a baby, much like the typical fae "give me your firstborn" type of wish exchange.
- Mushroom House: One of the elves lives in one, eventually sharing it with the second summoned elf.
- This Looks Like a Job for Aquaman: One of the elves has the ability to communicate with animals. He initially thinks it's a lame power, but seeing as that he's in a situation where a prisoner is holding some kids and a pony hostage, it turns out to be the perfect ability to turn the pony on their side.
Pony
A regular pony. Prisoner #1 used his first wish to bring it into existence.
- Nearly Normal Animal: Aside from the abilities to make vague humanlike gestures and stuff the entire body of a human whole in its mouth, it's your standard-issue pony.
- Non-Protagonist Resolver: Wraps up the plot by ignoring Prisoner #1 and the elves for the warm comfort of the elves' bed.
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