Cheap Show has plenty of characters. Much to its own hosts' (i.e. those characters' creators) chagrin.
The hosts
Paul Gannon
A writer and comedian, and producer/editor of the show.
- Bad Impressionists: Frequently (and correctly) accused by Eli of only having a few voices (e.g. the cod-Brooklyn "Jimmy Biscuits" voice), one of which is a pisstake of Eli in which he apparently sounds like Zippy from Rainbow.
- Berserk Button: Eli not talking into his microphone, or dragging a conversation off-topic.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: There's one of these against Eli practically every episode, usually revolving around his appearance, height, personality or supposed lack of contribution to the podcast.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Eli.
Eli Silverman
A DJ and comedian, and Paul's moodier counterpart.
- Berserk Button: Whatever you do, never ask Eli if you can make a request if he's DJ-ing (rather than just asking for the song), or ask if he can play Magic Mike, otherwise you'll draw his ire in Tales from the Dance Floor.
- Comically Missing the Point: He deliberately misunderstands the rules of Don't Get Mad, taking each scenario as a hook to hang an enormously angry and violent rant on, which usually involves defecating somewhere.
- Cult: Eli's family was in a very restrictive one when he was a child, which is discussed a few times on the show.
- Inherently Funny Words: "Amplitude", "modular" and "poultice".
- No Indoor Voice: Frequently lapses into shouting fits when agitated and/or trying to put across his amusement at something.
- Rules Lawyer: Often nitpicks over the rules of various games and segments, much to Paul's despair.
- This carried over to his appearances on Barshens, where at one point an argument between him and Paul over the minutae of some game got fast-forwarded, with a long message form the editor about how much they hate having to wade through more pointless bickering.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Noodles and pickles, to the extent that his house is referred to as the "House of Pickles". Also holds a particular fondness for hot sauce.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Paul.
"Eli Silverman"
Practically a character in and of himself, Paul's crude and insulting caricature of Eli, who in Paul's imagination sounds like Zippy from Rainbow and is proudly ignorant, dishevelled and lazy.
- Lazy Bum: "Eli" takes great pride in doing the barest minimum for the podcast, letting Paul do all the hard work, and yet being rewarded for it with popularity and fame.
Former characters
The podcast formerly hosted a ridiculous and growing range of characters, all of which were eventually completely and permanently killed off in episode 350. Adolf Manson
A bartender with a German accent. Played by Paul.
Bill Doughnut
A former club singer played by Paul who has fallen on hard times. Takes to singing non-sensical songs when least expected, much to Eli's chagrin.
Bobby Bollocks
A washed-up old school comedian played by Eli. Will defecate anywhere. Has previous convictions of an unspecified nature.
Charity Shop Vampire
A vampire who lurks around charity shops. Played by Paul, his goal in life is to perform fellatio on Paul and Eli.
- Catchphrase: "I vant to suck your cock!"
Dark Magic Alan
A mysterious reanimator who has the powers to bring people and creatures back from the dead, while warning that "some things are better off dead". Played by Paul.
Freddie Goon
A private bodyguard played by Eli, often found working in the employ of Richard Brandoff. Regularly gets "hard in the downstairs area".
Grumpy Sessions
A washed-up has been former television host and actor played by Eli, who constantly moans about his former fame and current absence of it. Often played an ice-cream man.
- Incest Subtext: Has an unhealthy fascination with being wrapped by his mother in her lavender dress.
- Sole Survivor: Since he appeared to arrive late, the only character not to have been violently murdered in episode 350, and so to survive the Continuity Reboot - although he is very unlikely to feature again since neither Paul nor Eli like him very much anyway.
- The Scrappy: In-universe - nobody likes Grumpy Sessions, and both Paul and Eli wish he would just go away.
Inch Man
A "character" devised by Eli entirely to annoy and confuse Paul, Inch Man's only function is to appear and loudly ask if Paul would like an inch, and (regardless of the answer) yell "INCH!" at him. Sometimes repeatedly.
- Catchphrase: "INCH!".
- Flat Character: Literally the entire point of the character is to waste Paul's time by shouting "INCH!". There's nothing else to him.
Jimmy Biscuits
A police, and later private, detective, played by Paul.
Madame Lady Plops
An elderly lady played by Paul who leaves a trail of droppings behind her wherever she goes.
- Continuity Rebooter: Her wedding to Squishy Jim in episode 350 acts as a device to collect all the podcast's characters in one place, allowing for them all to be violently murdered and completely erased from the show's timeline forever.
- Toilet Humour: The entire point of the character.
Meaty Margaret
A cannibalistic butcher, played by Paul.
Precum John
A bit like the Tooth Fairy, only he leaves droplets of precum rather than money. Played by Eli.
Punstopper
Paul's "superhero", whose main activity is arriving to discourage Eli from making weak puns.
Queefhuffer
A "superhero" of debatable skill or usefulness played by Eli, whose primary tool of assisting the unfortunate is a utility belt containing various "queefs".
Richard Brandoff
An extremely wealthy man played by Eli, stated at various points to be the benefactor of the show that keeps it running, whose main traits are his domineering nature and his extreme misogyny.
- Corrupt Corporate Executive
- He-Man Woman Hater: Brandoff is violently misogynistic, and is in particular frequently abusive to his secretary, Carol. He goes as far as opening Urinevision 2020 by saying that he doesn't think women should be allowed to enter.
Squishy Jim
Played by Eli. Madam Lady Plops' companion, whose only goal in life is to squish her droppings into the floor behind her.
- Continuity Rebooter: His wedding to Madame Lady Plops in episode 350 acts as a device to collect all the podcast's characters in one place, allowing for them all to be violently murdered and completely erased from the show's timeline forever.
Street Urchin
A young orphan played by Eli who acts as a linking device into the Froth Shop segment.
Teen Yeti
A singer and rapper played by Eli, who also happens to be a yeti. Lives on Mount Grotpants.
Tumpy
A spiv in the mould of Arthur Daley, played by Eli.
Uncle Grumbly
An old man whose vocation is producing and then collecting various bodily fluids to then convert them into foodstuffs which he then sells. Played by Paul.
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Squick: The entire point of the character. - Unusual Euphemism: Has some... interesting names for his own excreta, related to his job, e.g. calling his own faecal matter "a good bit of arse-meat".
