Dammit, Carol!
Robert Hibbs
Actor(s): Robert Hibbs
The founder of the Scary Storytellers Society. The only thing greater than Hibbs' love for scary stories is his crippling loneliness and social ineptitude— he admits that a primary reason for starting the SSS was to spend more time with his friends. He's obsessed with recording everything he can on his Talkboy, ostensibly for "posterity". He seems to spend a lot of time at the local library (something the other boys often mock), making him the most book-smart of the group (not that that's saying much). He lives with his mom, who was supposedly murdered by his brother 15 years ago, along with his dad and other siblings, but no one questions it.- Bookworm: Sends a lot of time at the local library.
- Stalker without a Crush:
- Openly admits to "observing" his friends so he can "get to know [them] better". But only because he was practicing to be a PI.
- Planted "bugs" (Talkboys) in both Owens' and Jenkins' rooms to make sure they weren't making fun of him or telling scary stories without him.
- Technical Virgin: Has only done "feet stuff".
- Unstoppable Rage: Calls in a 20-man posse (on horses!) to hunt Jenkins down after he told a story about having Hibbs' name tattooed on his asshole.
Robbie Owens
Actor(s): Robbie Owens
Probably the most passably normal of the boys, showing the most signs of a social life (even if they're just parties and orgies). Normal, except for all the masturbating— or "jack attacks" as he calls him. Really, he spends most of his time bashing his trash. It's a wonder his dick skin hasn't hardened into an ostrich leather callous. It seems that he has the ability to regrow his dick in emergency situations (like when he needs to tear it out of a petrified witch vagina ). He experiences the most possession-related issues of the group, and is said to have a "glow" about him, whatever that means.- All Men Are Perverts: Uses this as justification when called out on announcing out of nowhere that he'd be willing to fuck one of the Anderson sisters.
- "Well Done, Son" Guy: Really wants his Uncle Dutch to think he's cool.
Joshua Jenkins
Actor(s): Joshua Jenkins
A complete fraud who's so desperate to fit in with his friends that he'll lie about how long he's known them. Seems to have had the most conservative upbringing of the three—his mom won't even let him drink Surge. Turns out that his family is part of a militant and extremist Christian cult run by a man he believes to be Tim McGraw.- Earth Is Young: Believes the Earth is 100 years old.
- Homeschooled Kids: His textbooks were all from McGraw-Hill... Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, that is. Or so he believes— they were actually cheap pamphlets by Pastor Tom McGraw, from the Faith Hill community center.
Uncle Dutch
Owens' mother's brother. An all-American, blue collar, double-triple-overtime working man who loves drinkin' and fuckin' and Bob Seger, but hates clowns and being pranked.- Working-Class Hero: The hero part is subjective.
Robert Mackey (Robertmackey)
Actor(s): Robert Hibbs
Was once a 26-year-old culinary student with a wife and kids, until he met Fredrico the time vampire. Three days later, he's aged 30 years, his wife's left him and taken the kids, and he now spends all his time drinking coffee and playing Crash Bandicoot just to stay awake. Currently looking for a roommate willing to help him get rid of his unwanted guest. Free room and board.- Taking the Kids: His wife abandoned him and took the kids on the first night of Fredrico's, uh, visit.
Fredrico
Actor(s): Joshua Jenkins
A time vampire from Middle Galaxy Area who drains away his victims' life force by wasting their time with inane, one-sided conversations about every stupid little thing that flits through his head. He's a real friendly guy, though. Absolutely loves gum (especially Juicy Fruit) and Hooters' spicy wings (or "wangs", as he calls them).- Bizarre Alien Senses: Has eyes that can "see years turn into light" and thousands of ears "like a lion's mane".
- Bizarre Taste in Food: He goes to Hooters for the food and swallows gum after only four chews.
- Laughably Evil: Sure, he destroys peoples' lives... but he's just so goofy.
- Reckless Gun Usage: He seems to be not entirely clear about how guns work, or more specifically, what happens to humans when they're shot with one. He also mistakes a crossbow for a "wood-holder for your wood" and a "big wooden needle shooter". For making wooden sweaters, you see.
- Silver Bullet: Subverted. Robert Mackey brings silver bullets to his showdown with Fredrico, simply assuming they'll be effective. Which they are... as much as any other bullet would be. Against human flesh. Owens also makes this leap in logic:Owens: The silver disrupts his time-sucking powers!Fredrico: It's not that! I just really hate the smell of metal and silver; reminds me of the smell of blüüd... and I hate the smell of blüüd.
- Stalker with a Crush / Stalker without a Crush: Of Robertmackey. Granted, his stalking has motive sans crush, because he really does need his time. But he also says some... suggestive things about a giant stick of Big Red gum before immediately insinuating a similar relationship with Robertmackey.
Hibbs' Timeskip Family
Actor(s): Joshua Jenkins (Morticia)
Three years after an unspecified date (but pre-9/11), Hibbs has apparently married a gorgeous Transylvanian woman and fathered two, uh, child sons who are definitely children.- Expy: Morticia is, unsurprisingly, Morticia Addams.
