You thought fiction was weird? Think of all of the bizarre things we, as humans, have actually done!
The Alphabet: A series of strange symbols used regularly, but rarely acknowledged beyond the very early years of human life and in basic education & business (under certain circumstances). If said symbols are arranged in a certain matter, they form the identification of various objects, subjects, and the connections between the two. The incorrect arrangement of these is detested by many; so much so that programs in computing are designed to point out said incorrect arrangement. However, a single object/subject/connection can have many different arrangement of these symbols, though the meaning is the same, as long as one understands the different symbol arrangements in the object/subject/connection. Many societies have different forms/arrangements of these symbols, often leading to confusion when these two societies meet.
Ancient Rome: A bunch of hick farmers build a small hamlet and manage to become Shrouded in Myth by killing everyone else. They also discover how to build giant bureaucracies. Then various BarbarianTribes subject them to a mixture of Rape, Pillage, and Burn and peaceful entry. At roughly the same time an obscure cleric sets up shop here and gives orders to all the other clerics. Two thousand years later, another cleric uses this place gives orders to Russia. Poland is pleased about this turn of events.
Roman Army: A bunch of farmers dress in exotic clothes so that they can kill people, work on roads, and star in movie productions.
An Appetite: A compelling force that possesses every living thing, including you, that makes you want to greedily consume the flesh of other living beings with no regard for creatures that may need this flesh to satiate this urge as well.
Apple Macintosh: An expensive computer that runs less software than its main competitors.
iPod: An underpowered computer with a tiny screen and limited input options, which can only play music.
iPhone: An expensive phone that wastes its battery power by doing things that computers are supposed to do.
iPad: Similar to the aforementioned phone, but larger, and it doesn't work as a phone.
Braces: A painful, years-long method of skeletal readjustment and sometimes bone removal, resulting in permanent disfiguration, to which children are subjected against their will. This is, for some, necessary to be considered attractive.
Breathing: The constant repetition of an act that intakes what could be made a deadly and addictive poison by consuming in excess, can cause internal bleeding and hemorrhage if done improperly, and significantly increases the carbon footprint of every person who does it. The completion of any attempt to stop results in painful and invariably fatal withdrawal.
Oxygen: A gas that, when inhaled, makes one feel better than when they weren't. After a short period of time any completed attempt to abstain from this gas will kill slowly and painfully. Often force fed to old people and hospital patients. When combined with many substances, results in their deterioration and destruction.
Cars: A metal cage, usually with four wheels arranged in a rectangular pattern, which travels on flat surfaces unless you have a model designed for use on rough terrain. Owning an expensive, rare and/or old one will cause people to envy you while simultaneously praising your supposedly good taste.
Concept Cars: Models of the four-wheeled cages which are either a) produced in exceedingly small numbers, b) are unique, or c) only exist as a digital or artistic representation. These vehicles are designed with varying degrees of "futuristic" aesthetics and features, but will inevitably look ridiculous in 50 years. Despite this, people would gladly buy the vehicles if not for the fact that they will never be sold to the public.
RVs: A cage, usually with four wheels arranged in a rectangular pattern, which travels on flat surfaces despite being associated with rough terrain. Owning one will cause people with tents to envy you, although these vehicles use so much fuel that this jealousy is quite dulled.
Trains: A chain of boxes on wheels traveling along predetermined paths.
Bicycle: A device that is so unstable it must be traveling at speed to remain upright on its own. People, especially young children, fall off them frequently; as a result, many places have laws requiring specialized safety gear to operate them.
Motorcycles: The unstable device gets motorized - and has a ridiculously low amount of safety precautions compared to the aforementioned four-wheeled cage.
Carseats: A technology designed to allow babies and other small humans to be hurtled along the ground at over a hundred feet per second before coming to an abrupt and unexpected stop.
Cheese: Solidified, pasteurized animal milk with a hint of salt. Some varieties are aged.
College: You work for years to get good grades, do tasks you wouldn't otherwise do, and then beg and plead for an institution to take vasts amount of money off of your hands. If you're really, really good, and keep giving them money, you might get a piece of paper that might help you get a job to pay off all of that money you gave them. If you'd rather, you can also gather with like-minded individuals to drink alcoholic beverages while dressed as ancient Romans.
Computer: Billions of electronic switches turn on and off billions of times per second.
Dating: Someone you don't know, whose intentions you can't predict, showing you an inordinate amount of attention.
Dihydrogen monoxide a.k.a. Water: A chemical that is the largest contributor to acid rain and fatal when inhaled in large amounts. Despite this, it can be found in almost any home and certainly any chemistry lab. No organized movement to make it illegal has ever gathered enough support to be successful.
Disney Theme Parks: You pay hundreds of dollars so you and your family can stand around in the hot sun for hours, watch severely abridged versions of a bunch of movies you've probably already seen several times, and get the autographs of professional cosplayers. The more days in a row you do it, the more that some people will envy you.
DNA: A substance that exclusively records a very difficult, unstructured, and non-imperative programming language that contains little or no comments. This programming language places a mess where modern technology would use SPARK, Erlang or a hardware description language. External factors can change code, sometimes resulting in unrecoverable malfunction in safety critical, non-stop applications.
Eastern Animation: Gray, choppy doodles flashed very fast that are not Western or Japanese in origin.
Eating: Stuffing solid and liquid matter into an orifice, grinding the solid matter up with bones that protrude from the inside of said orifice, and using internal muscles to pull the liquid and ground solid matter into a sac inside the being undertaking the whole process. Can result in death if the wrong matter is used or the matter goes the wrong way at a fork in the biological tube leading to the sac (correct direction) and an organ designed to intake gaseous matter (incorrect direction). Not doing this will eventually lead to death when an acid in the sac eats through the sac walls or the being not undertaking the action dies due to lack of energy intake.
"Bathroom Usage": The whole above process leads to the expulsion of liquid from one orifice (in a rather draining experience) and solid matter from another, both of which are considered unsanitary to come into further contact with and must be disposed of via special systems that provide clean water and dispose of dirty water. Despite the fact that "unsanitary matter" is in the dirty water, the dirty water is put through a process involving toxic chemicals and put back into the system as "clean water".
Thomas Edison: An inventor who cheated his rival out of $50,000, stole his ideas, and invented the electric chair just to mock another rival.
Election: A ritual in America to decide who is worthy to be given the power to destroy the world. This process involves several celebrities going before the public eye and giving insults to each other that would get you shot in some countries; for it is rightfully agreed that anyone willing to destroy other people's reputations with the required callousness would probably be willing to blow up the world if needed. The celebrity most successful in ruining the reputation of every other celebrity while leaving their own least harmed is thereby considered worthy to be awarded the prize of spending four years being insulted by everyone else in the entire world.
The chief argument in favor of this ritual is that it is considered superior to the ritual known as coronation see below.
coronation : The descendant of some barbaric warlord a thousand years ago comes before a cleric wearing impractical clothing no sane person would wear in other circumstances. He then spends the rest of his life devoting himself to spouting off platitudes and being adored by the public for so doing. In their gratitude at his beneficence his loyal subjects will take an absurd interest in his private life that would be considered stalking if applied to an ordinary person.
tyranny : A loud and obnoxious person convinces people that they are tired of one or both of the two above rituals. He therefore replaces them with his own personal command shedding copious amounts of blood in the process. Once this is done the practicer of this spends several dozen years bullying his subjects. May or may not attempt to attempt to subject the subjects of his neighboring rulers to mass murder and armed robbery, but will likely not be terribly competent at that as his neighbors often fight back. After a while this tyrant will grow old and his subjects grow weary of him. Whereupon either they will kill him or he will run away to an expensive villa in the Mediterranean. Actually it is even worse then it sounds.
Employment: People engage in a series of tasks, usually of a routine and often repetitive nature. Although the routine in which these tasks are undertaken varies from person to person, for many people this involves getting up very early in the morning and undertaking them for several hours at a time, usually until the day is well and truly over. Despite the fact that few people (unless they're lucky) can truly claim to enjoy this routine, those who do not undertake it are often looked down upon and are widely disadvantaged in society.
Farting: The introduction of solid and liquid matter into a being's upper frontal orifice also prompts the billions of smaller living beings residing in the tube connected to the lower back orifice to further process the introduced material, creating gas in the process. After its buildup, the gas exits the lower orifice, either silently or accompanied by a trumpeting sound. This can lead to uncontrollable laughter, embarrassment, denial, a remarkably different quality of the nearby air or the desire to hold a flame-producing artifact near the orifice during the discharge to create a bigger flame.
Fiction: People make stuff up; it's sometimes based on truth, but it's often complete make-believe. This results in the formation of vast industries, varying degrees of fame and fortune for those doing the making-up, and numerous and often intense discussions about it.
Fairy Tales: Impressionable peasant children are taught lots of horrific stuff by their loving parents in the hope that they will enjoy it. Wanderers from cities hear of this custom and write them down so that children from the city can have the same experience.
Film: A sophisticated (but not really) method of showing you a bunch of pictures that resemble one long moving picture. It was very primitive at first; it then gained color, sound, and the ability to depict the most outrageous and impossible events. It has become a very lucrative industry.
Action Movies: A body of work dedicated to the belief that the world's problems can only be solved by doing things that will get you at least life in prison.
Drama: A body of work that is either considered brilliant or a stupid bore.
Comedy: A body of work that requires timing and improvising in order for hilarity to ensue.
Romantic Comedies: A body of work dedicated to the belief that mature relationships are the result of hilarity ensuing.
Science Fiction movies: A body of work dedicated to the belief that the ridiculous, the outlandish, and the outright impossible are simply are a matter of retuning your Visual Effects programs, or a matter of some old guy in a convention costume.
Food: Items you put in your mouth even though you probably do not know where it came from and how it was handled.
Eggs: Birds defecate pods that can never fulfill their reproductive function and are used as edible foodstuffs.
Fruit: Engorged plant ovaries used as edible foodstuffs.
Vegetables: Plant parts that plant breeding or random chance make edible.
Fruit and Vegetables Underpaid migrant farm-workers in terrible conditions harvest these for your good health.
Honey: Odorous secretions designed to attract the insects so that they will facilitate plant sex regurgitated by hordes of flying insects and used as edible foodstuffs.
Yeast: Some are tiny critters that pee and belch in your food and then become part of your food; others cause human illnesses.
Leavened Bread: A block of nutrients for human consumption that requires some of the above-described tiny critters to pee and belch in it and become part of it prior to human consumption.
Flowers: Genitalia used to show affection, sympathy, or as a major ingredient to make sprays with no other purpose than to make the wearer stinky.
Mira Furlan: A girl runs away from an obscure Balkan country to play Joan of Arc Recycled IN SPACE!.
The Game: Ignorance is bliss. Stick figures claim the secret to victory.
Guinness Book of Records (aka Guinness World Records): A massive list of who/what is best or most at something.
Hair: Dead cells forced out of your body through microscopic holes. Frequent maintenance is required to keep it from getting out of control.
Dreadlocks: The result of not maintaining the aforementioned dead cells frequently enough. Often associated with dirty people and consumers of illegal substances.
Halloween Horror Nights: People pay good money to go to a crowded place, run around in the dark, look at simulated blood and gore, and have other people scream at and pretend to attack them.
Heraldry: An art of shield decoration intended to show who was greater than who.
Holidays: Days that are no different than any other except for the fact that a single circumstance in the distant past usually guarantees a day off from work and/or a big meal.
Christmas: A yearly occurrence in which we stand plants up in our houses, cover them in various objects, and wait for an ancient man to break into our house at night through the tube filled with soot and leave things scattered around the area in boxes. This event corresponds to the birth of an ancient religious leader.
Alternately: A baby saves the world after his parents are forced to take a vacation purely for bureaucratic purposes.
Easter: A yearly occurrence in which we wait for a large rodent to leave brightly-colored fowl menstruation scattered around our yards. This event corresponds to the death of an ancient religious leader who failed to stay dead.
Alternately: The very first zombie in history supposedly got revived at this date. We celebrate it with unfertilized avian ovuluses. It originated as Passover, a celebration of a genocidal deity arranging ten plagues in Egypt.
Halloween: Strangely-dressed people come to your house and threaten you with pranks unless you poison them with fat and sugar.
Labor Day: A day where people honor the people who spend their days laboring by not doing so.
Memorial Day: A day where people honor fallen warriors by eating cooked animal intestines and ground up bovine.
Martin Luther King Jr. Day: A day where people honor a hero by purchasing furniture and cars at reduced prices.
President's Day: A day where people honor their former leaders (mostly just 2 of them) by purchasing furniture and cars at reduced prices.
Valentines Day: A day where people celebrate romantic affection by giving each other dead tree slices, sweet confections, and plant genitals.
New Years Eve: People celebrate surviving a full year by slowly killing themselves.
New Years Day: People follow up the above event by waking up next to someone they may or may not know with no recollection of the events that lead up to that point.
Thanksgiving: People celebrate a group of people having a feast by spending a day with people they rarely communicate with, consuming copious amounts of cooked fowl covered in meat juice, and watching large men physically assault each other for a ball.
Black Friday: The day following the above where people go to large warehouses at ungodly hours of the morning and get into unarmed combat with each other over items they want to obtain for a different holiday.
Columbus Day: A day where people celebrate a man for proving that the world was round even though almost everyone actually knew that for a long time.
The 4th of July: People celebrate freedom by getting drunk and using pyrotechnics.
Guy Fawkes Day: People stay up late to set things on fire and watch said things exploding in the air as they are being blown sky high. They do this to celebrate the failure of a religious terrorist to blow up a building.
St. Patrick's Day: People celebrate a religious icon by wearing the colour green and turning into stereotypes. People who don't wear green are often physically assaulted.
April 20th: A day wherein people consume illegal substances in celebration of... something. Ironically, people who the above group despise also celebrate this day for a different reason.
The "If by Whiskey" speech: A politician waffles humorously.
The Internet: A medium in which computers send electronic signals to one another over a largely disorganised system. An unknown but unquestionably-large portion is comprised of pornographic content.
Israel: A small country that, despite being located in the middle of a desert, is apparently indestructible, considering that over the past 10,000 years or so, every attempt to destroy it has failed. Strangely though, it has spent a lot of time...defeated at one point or another. Took a break for a few thousand years, but reappeared in the late 40's.
Jello: Wobbly substance made from the stock of sickly horses that is often fruit-flavored.
Laughter: A series of uncontrollable high-pitched coughs, sometimes accompanied by crying, convulsions, loss of control over one's limbs, and inability to breathe. It can be transmitted via touching or communication, is extremely contagious and can, on occasion, be fatal.
LEGO: Toys that come unassembled in their packages, with the buyer having to go through the trouble of building them. As hard as they are to piece together, the products may fall apart during extensive playing sessions. Can cause pain to your fingers and feet, but not as much as to your wallet! What is more, they are immensely addictive.
BIONICLE: A Merchandise-Driven story of robots and cyborgs (whom you also have to assemble yourself — watch out for breaking parts) being wrong, told through so many forms of media that one might feel the urge to give up on trying to follow it. Nowadays AKA Ass Pull — The Rarely Updated On-Line Series.
Life: A state of being in which those who experience it go through years of slow deterioration of bodily parts and have nothing better to do than talk about random things in places like this, release fecal matter, and participate in the world's slowest and least flashy MMO.
An extremely prevalent, almost certainly lethal sexually transmitted disease.
Literature: Innocent trees are chopped up so that people can enjoy having their imaginary friends put into unpleasant situations.
Lord of the Dance: A shirtless man in tight pants stomps his feet in complicated patterns, accompanied by about 100 Irish people in funny dresses who also stomp their feet in complicated patterns and hardly ever move their upper bodies.
Riverdance: Many people in funny dresses who also stomp their feet in complicated patterns and hardly ever move their upper bodies.
Love: Staking your happiness on another person, often making you miserable, crazy and evil. It's often involuntary and not always returned.
Some forms can be partly described as a weird trick nature plays on humans to help keep the species going.
Marriage: Because of the above (and possibly the "exhausting, dangerous, messy and uncomfortable activity"), two people move in together. Many things can go wrong (including results of the "parasite generation") and lead to an end where one tries to extort as much from the other as possible. Almost always ends in either heartbreak or death (death is the "good" ending, unless one partner gets really fed up with the situation).
Marriage: A relationship that turns scandalous behavior into honored behavior through the application of ritual and mutual monopoly.
Maple syrup: Refined tree blood used as a tasty topping.
Trigonometry: Discipline that allows its practitioners to divine a great deal of information about the physical world by finding and staring at triangles. Where there are no triangles, you are encouraged to draw your own by or around the target of your divination.
Medicine An already sick or injured person is usually made to be very uncomfortable, and sometimes deliberately put in pain, at a very large cost. If done perfectly, may help the person with a malady. Only in fairly recent history has it done more good than harm. So close is it to torture that strict ethical provisions are in place to only use it if absolutely necessary and will benefit the person.
Money: A uniform substitute for all else that exists only to be traded. It is so desirable that some people are willing to harm others, either directly or indirectly, in order to obtain it. Some say that the love of it is the fundamental cause of all evil.
Moon: A large, white, rounded stone that floats in the sky.
Mountain Climbing: People with an unusual surplus of time and money on their hands expend it by suffering extreme amounts of danger and incredible discomfort in getting to the top of a large pile of dirt for the purpose of proving that said pile of dirt is in fact "there" instead of somewhere else. Those who engage in this are for some reason treated as great heroes instead of being subjected to compulsory psychological treatment, perhaps because it is believed that this activity will be of benefit to the producers and distributors of the expensive equipment required for this activity.
Music: A series of sounds which need to be heard in the right order and by the right person to be appreciated; otherwise, it's noise.
Musicals: A bunch of fruity people continuously break Willing Suspension of Disbelief by at times alternating the pitch of their voices in weird, unnatural ways.
Norse Mythology: A one-eyed jerk, some guy with a hammer and a shape-shifting asshole among others tries to stop the end of the world. In the end, everyone will eventually fight each other since You Can't Fight Fate anyway.
Egyptian Mythology: Animal-headed freaks with phenomenal powers must kill a giant serpent every day. After that, one of the animal-headed freaks starts being a jerk to everyone.
Chinese Mythology: A weird creature creates the world and then leaves it to a world-sized bureaucracy.
The Fengshen Yanyi: A king angers a powerful goddess. Said goddess sends three evil spirits to end the king's dynasty without harming anyone else. One of the spirits manages to do this by making the king even worse.
Japanese Mythology: Two lovers makes Earth and makes love. The woman eventually dies from birthing a fireball. Afterwards, the man creates three siblings who makes up the sun, the moon and the oceans who then, starts hating each other. The ocean god eventually gets kicked out of heaven and then kills a snake.
Aztec Mythology: You must sacrifice this many people to keep the world running.
Horatio Nelson: A preacher's kid is worshiped by English sailors for giving them lots of rum and plunder.
The Netherlands: A place where most of the land lies beneath the sea but is somehow not flooded.
Nuclear explosion: The process of destroying small pieces of matter in order to destroy vast amounts of matter.
Nuclear power: Someone was able to come up with a less destructive, marginally more helpful, and more gradual application of the above process.
Organized religion: People around the world argue and kill each other about various books, most of which are driving at the same point, which is to not kill people.
Organized religion: The ideal business. There is little need for customer testimonials, as most of those against whom the business reneges are conveniently dead. The business makes great claims, but insists on being paid almost entirely ahead of time. The business never has to give any scientific proof or even scholarly arrangements of any of its core claims. It can make money on many of the various literal interpretations of its ancient texts, and countless figurative interpretations are available for making even more money. Customers don't have to agree with each other to remain customers, even of the same shop.
Monothieism in Christianity isn't. There's supposedly one main guy, but in fact there is a main one-child nuclear family and countless lesser figures, some of them adopted from its rivals that for historical reasons fell toChristianity.
Jesus Christ: Celebrity who The Empire executed for supposedly "conspiring" to overthrow the government under pressure of local religious leaders.
Paintings: A piece of fabric, or possibly a thick slice of dead tree, covered in oily substances. Some people have been known to go insane while creating them or even to create them.
Pets: Creatures which eat voraciously, destroy everything they can get away with, reproduce in spades, and are incredibly difficult to train to do anything, but are kept around mostly because they're cute.
Cat: A small, cute fuzzy animal with an independent side.
A carnivore with sharp claws & teeth who sometimes play-bites as a sign of affection as a result of having their mom carry them by the back of the neck with her teeth and the males of this species have some of the stinkiest urine if not neutered.
Dog: A loyal animal that can sometimes be stinky.
An Extreme Omnivore that will sometimes goes as far as to eat its own poop, has sharp teeth, and depending on the dog can be very aggressive
Rabbit: A small, cute fuzzy animal that has been known to freeze in place when scared.
Fish: An aquatic, scaly animal that does nothing worthwhile.
Hamster: A tiny, fluffy rodent that is known for running for hours on a centrifugal-force exercise mechanism.
Philosophy: Endless debates between self-proclaimed geniuses that have been going on since the beginning of civilization.
Pizza: Flat bread covered in pureed tomatoes and shredded solidified milk. Toppings include small thin slices of meat that was stuffed in intestinal casing and then cured and spiced, acidic bulbs that grow in the ground, edible fungi, and tiny fish, the last of which that many people don't find appetizing.
Poker: A contest in which people try to determine who's the better bald-faced liar among them. The best bald-faced liar wins. In some circles, is considered VERY Serious Business.
Pregnancy / Childbirth: A parasite (or sometimes more than one) lodges itself within a woman and slowly grows over most of a year, affecting the woman physically and psychologically. Eventually the parasite(s) is ejected painfully from the body; however, it typically stays with the woman for years, and the woman may even be imprisoned if she abandons the creature. Despite the intense physical and emotional discomfort the woman is put through during this time, the growth and arrival of the creature is widely considered a beautiful and life-affirming affair.
Adoption: After its ejection from the body, the parasite is passed off to a surrogate host, who continues the process as normal.
Professional Wrestling: A bunch of half-naked men under false identities pretend to throw each other around a roped-off platform for the amusement of the masses.
Sex: An exhausting, dangerous, messy and uncomfortable (physically and emotionally) activity that can cause disease and in some extreme cases even death but which is nevertheless is widely enjoyed, greatly sought after by many (especially those who have not yet done it) and is in fact considered healthy. It is so dangerous and messy that its practitioners must use thin plastic bags to avoid killing each other with deadly viruses. Despite its widespread popularity, undertaking it in front of other people is widely disapproved of and can be embarrassing. It is the leading cause of the aforementioned parasites.
Male masturbation: the unholy alternative of the above activity, which involves the ejection of precursors of said parasites within your body. A deviant practice looked down upon by many religions. Often used as an insult towards people seen as pathetic and unattractive. Can also be very addicting and messy.
Orgasm A highly sensitive part of the body begins spasming and spurting fluid. Considered the end goal of the "exhausting, dangerous, messy and uncomfortable" activity mentioned above.
Sex (Again) & Masturbation connecting and/or touching organs that dispose of waste
Shipping: People obsess over the love lives of complete strangers who usually don't even exist.
The skeletal/muscular system: No matter how you're positioned, half of the meat in your body is going to be stretched tightly to dense mineral deposits in your body. If you move, that half relaxes, but the other half stretches. All this meat is stretched tight enough that if you were able to cut them, they'd snap.
Skydiving: Jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft.
Sneezing: Forces beyond your will seize control of your body, forcibly evacuating a complex mixture of substances required for survival en masse through your face. Muscular contortions are experienced in synchrony with this process, causing abnormal facial expressions and temporary blindness. Victims of these forced spasms, should they attempt to avert them, find themselves with virulent organic contaminants on their palms or clothing. Close bystanders may also become saturated with these dangerous particulates, yet feel compelled to wish good tiding upon the source of their own contamination.
Sleep: A state of semi-voluntary unconsciousness during which strange and occasionally disturbing visions may be experienced.
Dreams: A set of variably bizarre hallucinations happening daily if you're doing it right. They contain material which everyone can see but would be banned in anywhere on the world to show in their unchanged forms.
Slugbug: Physical violence is justified by the presence of a certain automobile.
Space, aka The Cosmos: Literally, a great, big, hulking vat of mostly nothing. Most of what is there can be categorized as one of three things: giant explosives that will kill you merely by proximity, impossibly tiny rocks that will kill you merely by proximity, and giant rocks that serve no purpose whatsoever.
Astronauts: People who go through vigorous physical training in order to be shot into said nothingness at high speeds in a metal container with just enough fuel and may put them in mortal danger if anything goes wrong, usually for purposes of boring research. Many kids aspire to be one.
Alternatively, people who attempt to throw themselves off a large rock with the help of a skyscraper made of explosives.
Space Opera: People try to escape from the violence, ethnic hatred, power politics and corruption in modern Earth by watching violence, ethnic hatred, power politics and corruption in space several hundred years in the future.
Alternately: Ambition, Sex and Violence Recycled IN SPACE!. Normally involves contact with other species who are as addicted to ambition, sex, and violence as humans.
Speech: Moving various parts of your mouth and upper respiratory system in order to make a series of sounds with an arbitrary relation to real things. Can lead to fatal choking, and depending on the real or assumed referents of said arbitrary sounds, other fatal consequences.
Spoken language: A series of sounds which need to be heard in the right order and by the right person to be understood; even then, it's often just noise.
Sports: The distillation of war into various forms for fun and profit. More fun than war, because the rules are easier to follow and far fewer people get killed. You are not considered to be a real man if you do not enjoy it and are often accused of homosexuality, despite the fact that most of these activities involve sweaty, muscular men exerting themselves, displaying their physical fitness, wearing spandex and grabbing balls.
Wrestling: A form of the above, with two half-naked men grabbing at each other.
Baseball: Hit a dude's ball with your rod and run home before his goons catch you.
Cricket: You and someone else hit a dude's ball and run until his goons catch you, a simple structure takes damage, you break a rule, or the same happens to everyone else on your side. Can go on for days.
Kickball: Kick a dude's ball as hard as you can and run home before his goons catch you.
Association Football: Men (and sometimes women) kick a ball around a field for 90 minutes. Often for longer.
Alternately: 12 men run after a leather ball, and in the end, the Germans win.
American Football: Men ramming and chasing each other in an attempt to grab a ball. Should one of the muggers bring the ball to their base they get points. Then they get to kick it.
Rugby: As above, but with less padding for the players.
Ice Hockey: People with knives on their feet try to stop their opponent by ramming them into a wall and physically assaulting them. Players may once in a while attempt to slap a small disc around an icy room in an attempt to get it in a net.
Alternatively: Twelve guys, one puck.
Or: 12 men engage in unarmed combat on a sheet of ice. Occasionally one of them attempts to get a rubber disc into a net.
Basketball: Giant, spindly men run around a room attempting to slam a ball against a board and into a hole. Causes men in suits to stop working for a month.
Marathon Running: Older Than Feudalism, this activity baffles everyone but those who do it. While most people do it when there is no alternative (i.e. there is no Travel Cool method available) some do it Just for Fun, even though the entire point is elevated heart levels, lactic acid levels so high it can cause cramps in your shoulders, and the near depletion of the body's energy supplies. Some have died doing it. Of course, for those who do it, that IS the fun.
Surfing: Swimming out into the ocean on a float, then getting back to land without swimming.
Skiing: Strapping two planks of wood to one's feet prior to hurling oneself down a mountain.
Snowboarding: As above, but with one plank rather than two. Participants also face sideways and, on occasion, backwards.
Skateboarding: As above, but the plank isn't strapped to one's feet.
Water Skiing: As above, but on water, being dragged by a speeding boat.
Ice Skating: Strapping two blades to one's feet prior to going on ice. There are competitions for people who can do it quickly, and for those who can do it prettily.
Boxing: two guys without shirts beat each other with their fists until one or both of them is near fatally injured. This is great fun.
Volleyball: People do great jumps, dives and hits with the sole intent of hitting a ball on the floor.
Competitive Eating: People who are unable to do any of the above due to lack of stamina attempt to commit suicide by giving themselves fatal heart attacks by stuffing copious amounts of meat-like substances wrapped in animal intestines down their throats in record times. There are no winners in this game.
NASCAR: White guys in cars driving in a circle for three and a half hours.
Horse Racing: Short guys ride animals in circles for hours.
Formula One Racing: Some people build a very expensive car. Some other people drive it around in a figure eight for hours.
Rodeo Bronc Riding and Bull riding: Guys hold onto very strong animals while being flung around for a few seconds, before getting flung off.
Sun: A huge continuous explosion which can vaporise anything even a half a million kilometers away from its center.
Tag: A game where a person is cursed and everyone else avoids them. Should they manage to make contact with one of the others they pass the curse to that person and they become normal. If a normal person is at a certain location they are immune until they leave, but can be forced if the cursed person utters a certain incantation, which can be countered by another one. A popular activity on playgrounds.
Ghost in the Graveyard: Humans wander around a dark area while being stalked by ghosts. If a human is caught by a ghost they become one too. If the ghosts manage to kill all the humans they gain their lives back and the game starts over.
The skeletal/muscular system: No matter how you're positioned, half of the meat in your body is going to be stretched tightly to dense mineral deposits in your body. If you move, that half relaxes, but the other half stretches. All this meat is stretched tight enough that if you were able to cut them, they'd snap.
Tea: Hot leaf water, maybe with some personal preferences like sugar and milk.
Dried leaves, boiled.
Coffee: Hot bean juice, maybe with some personal preferences like sugar and milk. Many people are unable to start their daily routine without drinking it.
J. R. R. Tolkien: A curmudgeonly English professor writes very long works telling how much he likes English farmers and how much he dislikes highly talented jewelers and goldsmiths.
TV Tropes: Literate Internet users all over the world sit around for hours trying to remember imaginary (and sometimes not so imaginary) things they either saw or heard many years ago. Although these people could conceivably all be together at a given time, it can take days, weeks, or even months for them to respond to each other, especially if the traffic is bad. Also, their fingers get really sore.
The cumulative works of people who are either procrastinating or have too much time on their hands write so that other people can procrastinate more effectively.
Vaccines: Chemicals manufactured specifically to prevent certain organisms from feeding and/or reproducing with the explicit end goal of said organisms' extinction.
Video Games: The distillation of war, but with all the physical aspects that may actually result in exercise removed.
Alternatively, a form of addictive substance that's mostly legalized and don't even have to be ingested. Just manipulate some buttons and switches.
Online Multiplayer FPS games: An activity where a group between 2 and 100 simultaneously pretend that they are engaged in heavy combat in a war, with no reason for the battle to occur, only to be gruesomely murdered repeatedly. The avatars that last longest are continuously abused for a lack of skill, but those who lack skill involved in the activity become attached to their avatar to the point where when they are assassinated they complain that they died. This cycle repeats constantly for years.
Washing machine: A heavy metallic drum filled with soapy hot water and rags spins very fast inside a box with many electric wires. It is sealed only by a glass hatch that can open suddenly and violently if not closed correctly and the machine's contents will spill all over the floor. It's in your house, if you're lucky.
World War II: Space OperaRecycled on Earth. Became a cult classic for fans decades after but was widely disliked by critics at the time. Despite this it attracted many viewers. Rated NC-17 for extreme violence.