(We cut to Japan, where Jason, the All-Stars' resident Super Sentai fanboy, is searching for anyone willing to join the quest...for lack of a better term.)
Jason: So Ryota and Alex told me that they couldn't make it, but they wished me luck, anyway. To be honest, they probably needed a bit of a break, anyway, considering all that happened.
(he nods)
But I'm not gonna give up!
(and that is where he meets up with two Sentai actors, new for this liveblog: Hiroya and someone who may very well be Jason's equal...)
Oh, my God. (smiles big as the two notice him)
Junya: Ryota told me a lot about you! You're—
Jason: You're him!
Hiroya: You guys know each other?
Jason: I've watched a lot of Gokaiger, my favorite Sentai show. I didn't think I would...
Junya: Same here! I mean...I'm actually happy to see someone who's also a Sentai fan! And he wasn't lying when he said...
Jason: That the very fan was also a Rangers actor?
...
(he shakes his head)
Sorry about that. Just got caught up in the moment. I'm here because, well...a powerful evil will take over an alternate Japan.
Hiroya: Wait, what?
Junya: Really?!
Jason: Yeah. An author avatar is said to use his powers to "influence" anyone unlucky enough...and he's also trying to drive Rika into despair.
Again.
Hiroya: How could—
Junya: Ohhhh, I know what you mean! And when that happens, we'll be in big trouble!
(he looks at Hiroya)
I've seen other works to know where this is going. (nods)
Jason: Well...let's go. The others are waiting for us.
(and the three head off)
(as several of the All-Stars and Legendary Rangers recruit their team...)
(we cut to Rika)
Rika: 52 chapters. Two down, a shitload to go. This is really gonna suck. But...I have to stay strong.
So previously, stuff happened. We get a bit of backstory of what happened to Link, we saw the Sailor Scouts for the first time, and the Scouts get their asses kicked. Only for Link to save them.
Let's continue the bullshit with...
Chapter 3: Super Sailor Scouts are Born
We open with Link, the Scouts, the cats, and Darien arriving at the temple, with the group marvelling over how super-special-awesome it is. Darien asks Link just who he is. And get this.
- "The young man turned to them all and they saw the glowing shape of triangles just like the one above the stone door on his hand. He waved his other hand gentility over the glowing triangles… and he transformed into a regular human. He was now wearing normal everyday clothes. His ears were now round instead of pointy, and all his weapons had vanished."
I'm not kidding. Link has the ability to turn from his iconic form into a human and back again. (wears an expression that reads "WTF?")
And yes, I do realize that I've been expressing my own feelings through body language. But seriously, this level of "what in the fuck?" is staggering.
Naturally, this surprises the Scouts, and Link introduces himself to the group. Oh, and the reason why he can transform into a human? To hide his real form. Yeah, I'd like to think that he's still fairly recognizable—
...wait, what did he say again?
- Link: "I am a mystical creature from, the once, planet of Legora."
(Rika facepalms)
Moving on.
The team introduce themselves to Link, and Lita goes on to say about the enemies they encountered. Of course, this means that Link has finally found what he was looking for. As Artemis asks some questions, we end up getting some more backstory.
...and wouldn't you know it, part of it is from Ocarina of Time, especially with the mentioning of the three goddesses.
...
Also. "Three sacred triangles?" Meh.
After Link goes on to explain about the ocarina and the Master Sword, he tells the group how Ganon only succeeded in getting a part of the Triforce, for it's told that it won't allow anyone who wouldn't have the three forces (Power, Courage, and Wisdom, for the non-Zelda fans out there) in balance. Also, it definitely confirms that he is not allowed to get the other two pieces of the Triforce, for he would hold infinite power.
Raye asks Link why Zelda's not there, and he tells the group of how she put him in suspended animation before Hyrule (because fuck calling the planet "Legora") went boom. The group sheds some tears...and Darien becomes a biiiiiiit out of character.
- Darien: "Man, what a bummer."
Pfft. That pretty much killed whatever kind of "DEEEEEEEEP"ness Link's backstory has.
So now that Link is revealed, it means Ganon will stop at nothing to get his Triforce of Courage. Wait a fuck, didn't Ganon say that he would not get the other two pieces of the Triforce? The group agrees, but Serena's growing impatient. Dear God, Mykan, flanderization much?
Link thenn tells the group how the Triforce sensed the magical qualities of the group, and they will need stronger powers than before to defeat the new threats. And what are the new powers, you ask?
Remember when I said to remember the idea that Link has the Sages? Well...
- Link: "If my beliefs do not deceive me… then you all are indeed the one containing the essence of the once proud sages that protected my planet."
I'm sorry, what?! In the original, the current Sailor Scouts were reincarnated after a long time. How in the hell would they be able to both be Scouts in their past lives and fucking sages...
...
(Rika exhales and slams her head against a table)
(several minutes later...)
There. I'm better now.
So the Scouts and Link stand on the medallion panels, and as they concentrate on their inner energies, we finally see their new powers. And considering that they got some light armor in the process...
That's right. He just ripped off Saint Seiya. You have got to be kidding me. And yes, I know that Sailor Moon has the former anime as part of its inspiration, but come the fuck on.
The Scouts are pretty damn happy to receive their new armor, and Link tells them what they are. Not only are they going to be the reborn Sages (yeah, I still don't get it), but they have their elemental powers. Lita will be the Sage of Forest, Raye will be the Sage of Fire, Amy will be the Sage of Water, Mina will be the Sage of Spirit, and Serena will be the Sage of Shadow.
For the record, there are a few things I want to pick out.
- Mina: "Cool."
...anyone who watched the English dub, was she always...like this? That said, when Link gave her such compliments and why she's suitable for the Sage of Spirit...yeah, I got nothing.
The same can't be said for this crap.
- "Although Serena didn't like the idea of "The Dark!" she felt honored to receive the power."
(Rika laughs)
Good Lord. I just love how unintentionally "dramatic" it was. And protip: shadows aren't necessarily the same thing as "the dark". When I think of the dark, I think pitch-black. No light at all.
Which is hella ironic for someone who, you know, fights crime by moonlight.
Oh, and as for Darien? Turns out that he did not possess the essence of a Sage, and thus won't have those shiny new powers. Man, that guy always gets shafted in almost every continuity, doesn't he? Hell, even in this shitfic, he can't catch a break.
Regardless, he still gets thrown a little bone when Link adds that he will receive new weapons that will make him strong enough to do battle. And now that I think about it...does it still mean that Link will bail their asses out every time or land every single blow?
In any event...they now have a mission. In order to be fully recognized as Sages and have the power to take down Ganon, they must go through the temples, once located in Hyrule but are more likely to be recreated elsewhere. Gee, I wonder if they'll be located somewhere in their Japan. Oh, and yes, the Scouts were also guardians of the temples once. So they will need to reawaken the power within.
...
And over the next few days, cue a very thing that happened.
TRAINING MONTAGE!
For one thing, they learned that, when they transform, they have to say their planets and their elements. No, really. And they find a wide arsenal of weapons and techniques to learn from. Oh, and Darien also has a sword. Really.
By the way, it gets dumber.
- "He was such a great teacher to them all, as well as their savior and new leader, that rather than call him by name, they referred to him as "Master." to show their respect."
...what.
- "Link liked that."
(Rika is absolutely horrified)
WHAT?! I'm sorry, but fucking what? Being dominating by the fucking group much? (And do I find it weird that the Scouts and Darien are just calling Link "Master"? It's just...)
Link tells Raye what the temples contain, as well as what their atmospheric conditions are like. Oh, and he can handle it just fine, big surprise. That said, turns out that if they are to traverse to the temples, the corresponding Scout must head with him alone.
- "The scouts were un-cool with that"
...really?
But it turns out there's a reason for it. Any other Scout who heads inside would get weakened by the incompatible climate. And even if they tried, even if the foes can't defeat them, the climate will certainly off them.
...
I still got nothing.
Oh, and as it turns out? Before he met the Scouts, Link made a karaoke cafe. No, seriously, a fucking karaoke cafe. This is not Link, this is a guy who probably beat the real Link up, stole his clothes, and posed as Link. So I'm gonna call him "Dex" from now on.
Dex also decides to give the girls and Darien jobs as waiters, waitresses...no, seriously. Oh, and if no one books the stage, they could come up and sing. By the way, he also assures the group that he placed a spell where, if you hit a note at just the right time, it will always be correct. So like Guitar Hero, only with more of a reason for musicians to say how this isn't real music.
Oh, and this gets better.
- "Not to mention he also could use another spell to give them great voices for any type of music, and no one would be able to figure it out as it was all done with magic."
And by "magic", I mean "he probably used fucking auto-tune".
So this chapter ends with the girls and Darien agreeing to the job...relatively quickly. For Darien, it's because the other cafe is closed down for now, and he's on unpaid vacation. (Really, guys?) For Amy...
- "Amy thought this would be a chance to do something nice for people while she worked her way up to doctor-school."
It's fucking medical school! Not "doctor-school"!
Oh, and the rest would agree for not just the money, but to pick up hunky guys. Um...does Mykan know that Serena does love Darien? Just what?
After Dex is happy that he's not going to be alone anymore, we get an author's note.
- "Not a bad kind of job for them eh, inspired to me from Mew-Mew Power."
Dude, about the only thing you took from Mew Mew Power was a bright and shining character being in the spotlight, warping the focus around him, and having the other characters act as backup or some shit. In all other events, you just ripped off from Saint Seiya.
He then goes on to say that the music will be like a "Sailor Says". Yeah, I just...oh, and he spoils one of the temples, kind of.
By the way, this will mark one of a handful of filler chapters, made between important things that happen. Yeah, you thought My Little Unicorn was bad with its filler? This is where it's just as noticeable.
And so, like I did in Power Rangers: Revolution, I'll take the time to summarize what happens in said filler chapters.
We open with Ganon planning to steal Dex's Triforce of Courage after all...God, this is so confusing. Anyway, Phantom asks him if it also means wiping out the Scouts. The answer: yes. And as for the latter villain, he sent the Skulltura in order to still steal people's energy for their own plans.
Hey, guys? Never recycle your schemes.
Cut to Amy and Serena heading to the Karaoke Cafe, and they end up not only wearing the waitress uniforms (...um...), but they are given a variety of tasks to do. Tasks where they do switch out throughout the day.
...it still gives Serena something to complain about, from washing dishes to serving someone a milkshake. Who turns out to be her brother, Sammy. Um...I really think Mykan just takes their personalities and ramp them all the way up to the point where they become mockeries of the very characters they're supposed to represent.
Anyway, turns out that Sammy is there to get some rub-on cream for their dad, who was bitten by a spider. By the way, he's not the only one, as we'll find out later on.
When the time reaches 6:00, the group is prepared to come home. Oh, and even the fucking cats call Dex "Master". God, it's times like these where I'm slightly glad that Sailors Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto aren't around, or Chibi-Usa, or whoever else arrived later in the story, either through the manga or anime. I'd cringe to think of all the myriad ways he would change them.
Later on, on their way home, they see someone driving straight to the ambulance. It does make sense in context, since it turns out that they, too, have been bitten. And not only that more than 50 fucking people have been affected by this, but the Skulltura watches as the energies are gathered and, later, placed into Ganon's cauldron. Again.
In Mina's home, Artemis then becomes the next victim of the spider bite, and after the others arrive, they find out that half of the hospitals are packed with people suffering from those bites. This makes most of the group suspicious, and things only get worse when they hear a scratching noise. Lita opens the door, revealing a Skullwalltura, and...
(Rika sighs)
...Dex defeats it. Dear Lord, this story's really chickifying the Inner Senshi, isn't it?
Anyway, the group realizes that the spiders are in the forest, and they head off. From there, Andrew and Rita are sharing a tender moment until those spiders fuck it up. The Scouts transform into their Sage forms...and Dex has a transformation so off-the-wall, so WTF-inducing...I can't really describe it. Just look.
- "Then it was Link's turn. He held his hand in the air as his Tri-force of Courage glowed brightly. 'I call upon the power of light and courage to become the Hero of time!' he cried. 'ECTOPHASE, ACTIVATE!'"
I am not kidding, in order to become his true form as Link, Mykan had the gall to rip off Masked Rider's transformation cry. As in, rip off one of the weakest American Tokusatsu series.
Seriously, dude? You just made Link's coolness go down so many points. This is also why I called this version "Dex", by the way.
...
By the way, even that doesn't even compass what this Link is. Therefore, in the spirit of when I found several Super Sentai villains being so OOC, I will dub this Link "LINO"—Link in Name Only.
As Amy, Mina, and Raye try to defeat the spiders in the park, Serena, LINO, and Lita head off into the forest, saving Andrew and Rita in the nick of time. The end result is Serena and LINO curb-stomping the Skullturas—actually, wait. Serena weakens them with her shadow-based attacks, then she and Lita tie the main Skulltura up (the former with her Moon Tiara Boomerang, the latter with vines), and LINO just fucking striking the final blow with his Master Sword's slash.
...
(Rika facepalms)
And so, the chapter ends with every victim restored, Ganon swearing revenge (get used to it, you'll see a lot of it), and our heroes musing over what other threats will be. Naturally, LINO's happy to see the group quickly learning about his foe.
...ugh. Sorry to summarize it all, but there's just so much I can take.
(in Japan...)
(two women are walking down a street. One is a blonde-haired young lady with her hair in a very familiar dumpling shape. The other is a blue-haired woman, looking something up on a phone)
Ami: Everything's been really quiet recently. Like there are no strange moments...
Usagi: ...hm?
Ami: Think about it. It's been about ten years. No abominations threatening us, no one threatening to take our energy or powers away...you think everything is just getting normal for us?
Usagi: Um...kinda. I've been having these weird dreams lately...
(but before Usagi can say anything, three more women show up—Minako, Rei, and Makoto)
Rei: You said something about dreams?
Usagi: Y-yeah. I've seen something scary...something dark, trying to capture us. And they said that we are their playthings...
I have no idea what they mean, but...
(she shivers)
Rei: What?! And how long have you had those?
Usagi: For a few weeks. Mamoru has been very worried about me, wondering if I'm all right.
Minako: Well, we can't really dismiss them right away! I mean, yeah, people have bad dreams all the time, but—
(then there's a dark beam striking the ground)
What the hell?!
Makoto: Just when we thought things were going great...
(she gives a small smile)
Looks like we'll need to come out of retirement.
(Usagi's eyes flash)
Usagi: Yeah! (her hand closes into a fist) We are not going to let it pass us by! We'll restore hope and peace, as we've done in the past! Sailor Scouts...you ready?
Ami: Ready.
Rei: As I'll ever be.
Minako: Oh, you know it!
Makoto: Of course.
Usagi: All right!
(and then she faces the place where the dark beam struck)
Intruders...in the name of the moon...we'll punish you!
(with that, the Sailor Scouts run to the area, their sense of justice reawakening for the first time in years!)
Just who is specifically attacking? Will the Sailor Scouts defeat the evil? And will Rika regain her strength and snark?
The light of the moon is the message of love. So find out next time on the next Rika Liveblogs Vs. Sailor Moon Legend of Zelda!
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