When we last left off the Liveblog, we were forced into seeing the soapbox drama that was Chris-Chan's Love Quest and nothing else. It was... troubling. Between looking up on the wikia to find out just what in the hell was the context behind the sub-episodes and reading through the Wall Of Texts and thinly-veiled Anime references, I just wanted to be done with the issue so I can move onto the actual Sonichu story and not some guy fighting the law and winning. Okay, the villain is based off someone from Christian's life, but she's written into a normal enough villain. Let's dive into...
So we open up with a wedding between Nicole and William, played by Jack’s Knight from Yu-Gi-Oh... No, not even kidding. The comic says that Jack’s Knight is guest starring. Anyways, the wedding is kicking off, Weslichu is going all “If I Can't Have You…”, and Chris-Chan is sort of seeing the wedding in spirit... Why? Did Nicole give him a restraining order? Some may find this creepy, since Chris-Chan is stalking Nicole, but I’m more curious as to how he got to the wedding in the first place.
Did he just aim for a random church in Ruckersville? Did he just search for “wedding being held here?” When you ask questions like that, stalking usually comes with the answer. Then I guess that’s why he’s trying to hide in this wedding: to prevent Nicole for calling him out for stalking her and pretty much acting like a clingy jealous guy much like Walter.
It doesn’t really affect Chris-Chan, however, since he found his lucky girl. Complete with stupid Yu-Gi-Oh metaphors and some of the most forced metaphors you’ll ever find in a romance novel... Okay, maybe not Fifty Shades of Grey. So... anyway... There’s a wedding... and there’s an attack where the bride gets kidnapped... and they talk about how their happiness is ruined...
Am I reading a comic adaptation of “There Go The Brides”? How is that possible? This was made so long ago! So... Oh god... Did Chris-Chan use future sight to not just see Nicole being kidnapped, but also see that episode and decided to adapt that to his comic series? Hilarious in Hindsight to the max!
Chris-Chan: Time to play a CWC Spell!
Yes. That was a pun on the term “Quick Spell”... Yeah, unless you figured out that Christian pronounces his initials as “quick”, you probably wouldn’t get this. Anyways, Chris-Chan tries to stop Walter from attacking (note: he uses the Flame Sniper attack from Sailor Moon. Thought it was an interesting note) and transforms into Chrischu after being asked who he is. Wait... Did he just reference Cutie Honey? Huh... That... Okay, I’ll give him credit. And...
PFFFT HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh... I... I can’t believe this! Look at the card description for Chrischu! It says “Virgin With Rage” on it! Oh my! I... I thought only the CWCiki called him that... That’s actually a term he uses? Wow... {ceases laughing} Oh… there’s also this note. Whenever Chrischu is summoned, Weslichu loses 500 attack points, while Chrischu gains 500 attack points. You know, say all you want about Kasumi: The Last Signer, but at least Kasumi won some of the duels with the luck of the draw rather than broken rules. Anyways, despite the Yu-Gi-Oh rules apparently placed in play, Weslichu kicks Chrischu’s ass and does a badass pose.
Okay, there’s something you might have noticed. Look at the priest and look at the word “Nicole”. Yeah, there’s something I should have told you guys. Nicole is really named Sarah, and Walter is really named Wes. I guess I should explain myself in what the hell is going on. Remember in my first Pooh’s Adventures review where I snarked on the fact that Miyamoto was smart enough to disapprove of Sonichu, yet apparently Disney allows Pooh’s Adventures to happen? Yeah. That actually happened. The wikia calls it the “Miyamoto Saga” and it was a really stunning turn of events of a guy who decided to play as Shigeru Miyamoto himself and trick Christian into making an utter fool of himself. During this event, following the advice of Jay Z himself (Okay, it’s James Zylberstien), Christian changed the names of any real people in the comic, since they could get sued if they make a game out of the deal with the fake Miyamoto. The different font in the text bubble makes it obvious that it is changed in post.
And so Weslichu goes and kidnaps Nicole. Y’know, what the hell is going on with Nicole? I mean, she has the means to defend herself and she can prove that she can hand Weslichu’s ass on a silver platter any day of the week. Huh, maybe it’s the fact that she’s a woman and it’s that time of the month where she becomes the dumbass in distress. And then Chris-Chan is tasked to save Nicole ala Dragons Lair 2. Okay, I’ll admit, the fighting with Yugioh cards is a pretty good idea. Mind you, it’d be better executed in something other than Sonichu, but it’s a cool concept. Weslichu’s captured damsel is taken by Chris-Chan’s card that allows them to exchange whatever they hold. Weslichu tries to roast the two to a crisp (So... We have a Yandere? I didn’t expect Christian to write such a character) then Chris-Chan gets saved by a Sailor Scout and some... punk skunk? Okay, at this pace, we’re going to have Loads And Loads Of Characters, and I’m not sure if I’ll handle these newly introduced characters. I’m glad we’re not actually doing any drinking or I would have been dead!
Anyways, Weslichu gets his ass handed to by one last spell card, and after all that, Nicole gives him that bouquet the brides always throw as a sign of good luck and thanked him for the childhood she had with him. Daaaaaw... Yeah, I know women only get the bouquet and all that, but still, it feels like a good send off for Nicole. Yes. She’s never appearing in this comic again. BYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEE! Wait... Did I just daw at Sonichu? Hey, wait, speaking of, where the FUCK is Sonichu? Oh, he’s in the next episode. YAAAAAAAAAAY!
Wait... Virginia is for virgins? Whaaaaaa? Fuck it. Moving on. So yeah, Slaweel is enforcing a sort of 1984-style ban on love, there’s a Lemony Narrator who I swear is either the Powerpuff Girls narrator or the narrator from Sheep In The Big City, and Chris-Chan is kicking back and relaxing in his own mall that the author notes that he designed himself as a capstone for a degree. Wait, if he has his own mall, why is he going to other malls and beating up cops there? Anyways, he talks about... JESUS HC HAMMER! WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THIS!? THIS IS NOT A COMIC BOOK NOW! THIS IS JUMBLED TEXT WITH TWO HEADS! BY BUILDING HIS Wall of Text, HE CHALLENGED MY STRENGTH! WELL, I’M HERE TO PLAY HIS GAME!
So Chris-Chan moans on how, even though he and Meg-Chan are total lovers and all, she isn’t returning her feelings. And then this guy who is giving me serious Jet Set Radio vibes (blame the dystopian setting and the fact he’s a DJ) says that Jerkops are attacking the city and Sonichu and Chris-Chan go off to fight. Riiiight after telling his people of how Blue and Black uniformed cops are okay, yet other colored uniformed cops are evil. Er... You do realize this will just result in the Jerkops wearing the good colors just to throw people off, right? Anyways, Chris-Chan summons the other Sonichus and his sister (surprisingly not Meg-Chan and her skunk friend or even Darkbind Sonichu) and they have a badass... horizontal spread that I have to turn on its side pose. It’s badass though. Slaweel meanwhile sets up a trap for Chris-Chan so that when he is on a marked spot, he will be trapped in a dark mirror.
Slaweel summons a bald Chef from South Park and... Oh god... He represents a teacher in that CADD class Christian mentioned before, isn’t he? Damn it man, you’re supposed to escape reality when writing stories, not absorb it into some warped reality. One day, I have to find that game designer Peter Parker from One More Day and give him props. At least he knows about escapism! Okay, maybe in a stupid “You Suck” approach, but still! Not to mention this Chef is offensively Mexican.
Anyways, Meg-Chan comes back to save the day and- Hey wait a minute! Isn’t it supposed to be the man that jumps in and saves the Sailor Scout’s ass? Huh... Role Reversal at its finest, peeps. And... Okay, is this practically the same pose just traced over? I’ll give the author props if this isn’t a tracing or some copy/paste thing... Anyways, they Marble Screw the CADD Chef to death and Chris-Chan tries to defeat Slaweel.
However, the trap is sprung and Chris-Chan is submerged in... To quote Square: “DARKNESS!” and then Silver gets a heart attack and then some random asspulled exposition comes in and says... Oh God. You’re telling me that stupid as hell Sdrawkcab Name was a plot point? FUCK IT! HE IS NOW CALLED HOLLOW CHRIS! Anyways, Slaweel wishes for Chris-Chan’s suffering and decides to make it so that the girls are plunged instead. Uh, what? DUDE! You were about to take out your archenemy! Plus they’d be pulled in anyways as Chris-Chan indicates! GGGGGRRRRRAAAAAAAAH! STUPID! YOU ARE MADE OF STUPID!
Crystal pulls off a Heroic Sacrifice and gets plunged into the darkness instead of Chris-Chan. Meg-Chan is depressed because she couldn’t save her and all, but Chris-Chan says it’s okay and that they’ll save her.
And then Slaweel comes and is all like “Nya-nya-nya, I got your sister!”, Rosechu is shipteasing Chris-Chan x Megan, and we end it there. Shit. A cliffhanger? That’s... Alrighty, this definitely made up for last issue’s bullshit. Yes, there’s some bullshit here, but at least we’re getting somewhere. We’re having conflict. This issue was a little interesting and strange at the same time. It’s not as much as a soapbox as Issue 4, but not as much of an epic Sonichu tale as Issue 2. It’s sort of like Issue 3 at best. Mind you, there’s still some stupid moments in there, but for the most part, I didn’t really mind this issue.
Tune in next time to see if Chris will try to save his inner sister.
